30: Healing from Infidelity: Advice for Healing Rejection & Emotional Cheating in Relationships

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Written By Amanda Durocher

This episode is a follow up to Ep 29: How to Heal from Being Cheated On in Relationships

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In this episode, we continue the conversation about healing from being cheated on. We discuss is emotional cheating as bad as sexual cheating, what to do if you’re only staying with someone who’s cheated because children are involved, and how to heal from emotional and sexual rejection.

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Timestamps:

  • 0:00 Intro 

  • 3:54 Listener Question 1

  • 29:05 Listener Question 2

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    Amanda Durocher 0:00

    Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hey, there beautiful souls. My name is Amanda. And this is new View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast. And what I mean by that is that the advice I offer is healing centered. So it's not my intention to tell you what to do. It's my intention to help you to heal and help guide you back to your own heart. I believe you have all the answers you seek. And I am just here to help facilitate tough conversations, as well as offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. So this week, we are continuing our conversation from last week about healing from being cheated on. So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, Episode 29, I recommend you listen to that one first. Because I go deep into forgiveness. In that episode, I do an intro about forgiveness if you haven't listened to that yet. And I also have Episode 22, which was the first episode I did on cheating, if you want to listen to that one as well. Today, I'm going to just jump right into answering the two questions because these are two questions that are pretty jam packed. I feel like with multiple questions. So the first question is about is emotional cheating, as bad as physical cheating? And also, what if you're just staying with a cheater because of children? And the second question is about how do we heal from cheating on an individual level? How do we heal from being cheated on? And how do we heal from emotional rejection and sexual rejection? I thought this was a really interesting question and a really important question because rejection is such a big part of being cheated on feeling rejected. And those feelings can get stuck in our bodies. So we're going to talk about healing from that today. So I'm looking forward to continuing our conversation about being cheated on. And then next week, and the week after, I will be answering questions from people who have cheated in the relationship and how to heal from cheating from that perspective, in case anybody's interested in those two episodes, those will be released next week and the week after. And I'm just really grateful to continue having this conversation with all of you. As I mentioned last week, I've received so much feedback and so many questions about this topic. So that's why I decided to focus a month on this topic, because one, I don't think it's talked about enough if I'm receiving this much feedback. And I also believe that so many people are healing from this right now. So if you feel alone, or you feel embarrassed, or you feel like nobody understands, I just want to assure you that there are so many people moving through this same thing. I'm glad that we have this space to have these conversations. And if you have any follow up questions about this episode, I plan to continue the conversation about cheating on social media this month, answering questions on Instagram on Tiktok. And then if I receive more questions, I'll continue doing more episodes. And then as I've mentioned, I plan to do healing circles for people who have been cheated on and who have cheated in the month of September. So if you're interested in that, you can send me an email at newviewadvice@gmail.com. And I can add you to the waitlist for that. So I just wanted to mention that before I jump in that I hope to continue to offer resources for people working through this situation in this dynamic. So let's jump on in.

    Amanda Durocher 3:54

    Is online cheating? So an emotional affair just as bad? What if the only reason to stay with a cheater is because children are involved? It's been over a year, but I'm struggling to forgive? How do I cope? When and how do I know when to give up? Thank you so much for asking this question. This question encompasses a few things that we haven't covered before such as emotional cheating, and what to do when children are involved. So I just wanted to thank you for bringing this question forward so we could have this conversation. Because this is a tough conversation. This is a difficult thing that you are moving through and I just want to honor where you're at. I know that it's been over a year and you're struggling to forgive and I'm so sorry that you're still in so much pain. I want you to know that I've talked to many people over the past couple of months who have been cheated on and who have cheated and this cheating wound can last years and I want to honor that I want to honor everyone moving through this that it doesn't just heal overnight, we don't just forgive overnight. This is tough. This is a hard experience. This is heartbreaking for our human awareness for our inner children. For us as adults, this is hard. And there's so much shame around cheating. There's so much shame on both sides. And it's a conversation that we don't have enough and as a conversation with so much judgment around it. And so I just want to offer you so much compassion. And I want you to know, this is a judgment free zone, and that I'm sending you so much love as you navigate this and just be kind to yourself. I know it can be frustrating when things can take a really long time to heal. Or when we feel stuck on our healing journeys, I want you to know that your feelings are valid. And I want to help you find the tools to help you move past this, or at least moved to the next layer. Because that's what it is with cheating is there's so many layers encompassed in this one act. So by healing from cheating, we're healing from betrayal. We're healing from broken trust from broken hearts. We're healing from inner child wounds, we're healing from so much in one incident, it's a trauma, because that's what trauma is trauma is when something happens, it has a ripple effect. Cheating has a ripple effect. It's not something that's easily move past. And because of that, there can be shame involved. Because it's hard to move beyond, it's hard to learn how to forgive because so many people don't know how to forgive. So many people don't know how to rebuild trust. So I just want to honor what you're moving through. So first, I want to discuss that I do believe that emotional cheating can be just as bad as other forms of cheating. It really depends on you and your relationship, and how you feel your trust was broken through the emotional cheating, and you feel devastated. So yes, it's just as bad because you feel bad, right? So for someone who has trouble opening up in a relationship for somebody who has trouble with their feelings, having the person they trust with their feelings, go outside to somebody else, and fall in love with somebody else. It's devastating. It's devastating. honor yourself, don't judge how you feel. And if people are telling you that emotional cheating is not as bad as sexual cheating, ignore them, because you know how you feel. And love is shown in different ways, right. And we believe in monogamy, that we will get that love from one person. So if we're in a relationship with one person, if we're in a monogamous relationship, we expect that I will love you emotionally, physically, sexually, and you will love me in those ways. And we will honor each other in this romantic partnership. And it doesn't matter which one of those somebody goes off and does with somebody else. It still feels heartbreaking. Does that make sense? Of course, you're devastated. honor yourself. Don't judge it. I feel like a year later, you still questioning that I just want you to know that your feelings are valid. You know how you feel. And some people when they are physically cheated on, they will be more upset about the emotional cheating. And it adds a whole nother layer, it adds that physical and emotional piece. And cheating is complicated. It's just so complicated. There's so many layers to so many different scenarios. And if that trust was broken for you that trust was broken. I just want you to honor where you're at. Number one, too. Let's talk about your children and how you said, what if you're just staying in the relationship for the children. So as always take what resonates leave what doesn't. All right. I want to preface that with this because I feel like what I'm about to say is a hard truth. But if this isn't a truth for you, don't take it just leave it on the table. Okay, I want to preface that. I believe your children are affected if you stay in the relationship or not. Your children will see their parents relationship. So you and your partner's relationship and they will notice if you resent your partner, they will notice if it feels unloving or untrustworthy. They will notice if you bicker, they will notice if you yell they will notice if it comes off as an unloving relationship. They will notice these things. If you are staying for the children, they notice that something's off. And because of that, I believe that you have to do the tough thing and you have to do here what's best for you. And through honoring your feelings and what you need. You will be able to show up as you're the best mother you can because I believe that in any relationship including parenthood, and including our romantic partnerships and friendships and any relationship we need to fill our own cups first. We all need to put ourselves first and put our feet Links first and with children, that can be incredibly hard. Because children are dependent on you like What do you mean? I have to put myself first I have to put them first. Because if you're only taking care of them and you're not taking care of yourself, nobody's taking care of you. And you need to take care of you. Because, as I said, where you really show up as better versions of ourselves when our own cup is filled first, and that might be hard for some people to hear. And a book I recommend you read. So I invite you to read Untamed by Glennon Doyle. So untamed is her latest memoir. It's a book of short stories about womanhood. The book touches on her motherhood, the book touches on her divorce she was cheated on, and actually wrote memoirs about being cheated on and healing that with her husband, and then leaving her husband so she's no longer with her husband. She's in a new relationship with a woman named Abby Wambach. But Glennon Doyle's book really goes into Glen ins healing, a very similar situation to this. How complicated is when you're a mother, and you're cheated on. So I invite you to read that book, because I think that you may see yourself in her story. And you can check out her other memoirs as well. I haven't read any of her other books, so I can't recommend them, but read all the descriptions for all her books. And she went through a similar situation, I invite you to read these because I think that though people's stories are different. Other people's stories can be very healing for us. And it can be very healing, to hear somebody else's truth and to see what resonates and what doesn't. So I invite you to read untamed, and as I mentioned, your children, notice that something's off, they really do. And even if it doesn't seem like it, I'll tell you that as we continue to do inner child work, and in our adult, I observed my parents relationship, and I mimicked it at first in my relationship. So my parents would bicker. And so I would bicker, and it we pick up the habits of our parents, and our parents picked up from their parents, and so on, right, because we've all lived in a pretty unconscious society for a while and didn't value mental and emotional health. So a lot of people's parents are wounded in our children. But children notice these things. So I just want you to know that your children will be affected if you do stay, or if you don't stay. So though you're staying for your children, and no, your children truly are affected either way. And it's okay, you know, no parents are perfect. There's no perfect parents out there. It's just doesn't exist. So that's another reason why you considering yourself in this is so important. Because you will think you're doing what's best for them. But they're going to interpret it, how they're going to interpret it. And you can only control yourself. And it's so hard. Because you want what's best for your children, I can tell you're a wonderful mother, and you want what's best for them. But you also need to consider what's best for you. I see you having three options. And none of these options are going to be easy. So as I've mentioned before, cheating is just hard. It's hard, no matter what, because your three options. I think they're all difficult choices. So choice number one may be the easiest, but it's still hard and it's to do nothing. You can keep living your life exactly as you're living it and continue to not forgive continuing not to do anything different and be unhappy. But if you're writing in this question, I have a feeling that's not an option for you anymore, or it's getting very close to not being an option. Because the truth is when our inner beings, our inner children, our soul, that inner aspect of us that we have been ignoring wants to be heard, our outside world will become harder and more complicated. And those inner feelings we've been ignoring will be get bigger, because we'll just keep piling on more hard feelings until we do something different. So leads to option two and option three, option two, is to stay and do hard work, and forgive with your partner. But that's going to require a partner who's willing to work through this with you. And we'll talk about that or three. It's leaving, which is also difficult. To me, you're at a crossroads, and you have to choose a difficult path. And these paths are filled with different obstacles and different demons that you'll have to face. But if you listen to your own heart, there is a path that is brighter than the others like I'm seeing them as if like Snow White going into the woods, right? And one of these paths leads to your brightest future, but only you will know what's best for you. So you can say the same. You can not do anything and continue being unhappy. It's an option people choose all all the time. And I wouldn't blame you. Because this is hard. This is hard work, inner work isn't easy. I can get up here and tell you about doing it and tell you how it's made my life better. It has. I'm so much happier than I used to be. But I'm also going to be honest with you, and there's been a lot of days I've cried on the floor, cried in supermarkets, cried in my car, screamed in my basement, screamed at the beach, smashed plates, screamed at the top of my lungs, at myself and at my partner. It's not an easy journey, the inner journey. But it is a courageous journey for the willing. And I can tell you that with each layer, I heal and with each new insight I have into myself, I get to know myself better, and I get to love myself deeper. And there is nothing like it. There is no gift better that I can give myself than to love myself deeper. And the deeper I love myself, the more I get to know myself the more I forgive myself and I forgive the outside world, the better friend I am, the better partner I am the better family member I am, the better community member I am, the better I serve my community of people who listen to this podcast, the better I am, we only get one life, and you deserve to be happy. So though whichever path you choose is hard, your heart knows what will lead you to your inner happiness, your inner wholeness, your inner love, which will teach you to love your inner child, which will lead you to be the best mother that you can. So if you decide to stay in your relationship, and you decide to work towards forgiveness, the first thing I invite you to do is to have an honest conversation with your partner. I don't know how much you have talked about what happened. I don't know how much you've talked about the cheating. But I invite you to plan a time. So don't just blurt it out, say I have a serious conversation I want to have with you. Do you have some time and put a time on the calendar. You know, make sure it's time that you and your partner can be just one on one without the children. So you can have a tough conversation about your relationship. And I want you to be honest with them about what you said here, that you are having trouble forgiving, and that you're only staying for the children, if you haven't already had this conversation. Because your partner might not know how bad it is, or where you're at, they might think you're over it if you guys don't talk about it, or they might know you're angry, and they may not know what to do next, they might not want to bring it up to upset you. So you may need to open the door for this conversation. Because I find there's so much shame around cheating that we often in relationships will sweep it under the rug, tough issues that happen and just not ever talk about it. Again, you know, we might have a few conversations when it happens, and then just not talk about it again. But if the feelings or the resentments still there, it needs to continue to be talked about together. So I invite you to have that tough conversation. And I'm going to be honest with you that by opening this door, it is opening it for feedback as well. Your partner might have some things to say to you not that this is your fault. But they might say to you like I've really felt your resentment. And it's been really hard for me. So I just invite you to be prepared to have a dialogue and to communicate about your relationship with your partner. Because if you choose to stay, you two are going to have to work together to rebuild trust. So then you're going to want to create boundaries around this and the healing. So one way to do this would be to get a couples therapist if you haven't tried that already. And this would create a space once a week or once every other week for you to discuss how you're feeling in a safe environment. Couples therapy can be really helpful because by having a third party present, oftentimes there's no yelling, there's no screaming, there's no crying, it forces a couple to talk about their issues, because oftentimes we're on better behavior when a third person's present. It's just the reality. If you decide to say I also invite you to read a couple's book with your partner. I talked about it all the time. One of my favorites is getting the love you want by Harville Hendricks and Helen Hunt. This is one that helped me in my relationship. But there's so many out there. So I'll link in the show notes a list of the books I have on my website that I've found helpful. But you can also find a book with your partner that maybe resonates for the two of you if one of my suggestions doesn't work. Another book I'm reading right now is state of affairs by Esther Parral. I just started it so I can't necessarily recommend it but it's about cheating, so you may want to look up this book. But again, read the description. Read the comments, see if it's something that resonates for you because I currently can't recommend it, but I'm hoping to be able to talk about it more on a later episode. But Esther Perel also has a podcast, where should we begin, which I recommend you take a listen to, because it's couples therapy sessions. So also, if you've never been to couples therapy, it's a great way to get an insider's look into a couples therapy session, so that it can seem less intimidating. It's also really eye opening to certain relationships. And you can read the descriptions and see if there's one that resonates for you. But that could be a really good resource for you during your healing journey. So if you decide to stay and continue to work on your relationship, I also invite you to communicate with your partner that this is something you're going to have to work on together. And individually. One, I think you'll want to see if your partner wants to work on your relationship. And I think through discussions, you will get an idea for that

    if they're committed to working through this. And then I also think individually, you're going to want to either start your healing journey, or continue working on healing. Because I find with relationships, it's like an S curve, like we have to sit with ourselves and be self reflective. And then we can go talk to our partners and bring our new insights and then learn from them how they're feeling and maybe get triggered. And then we go, and we sit with ourselves. And we become self reflective. And we see if there's maybe a childhood wound triggered, or we see if there's something deeper that was triggered, right? Sometimes we tell our partners how we're feeling. And then we go sit with ourselves. And we're like, this isn't exactly how I'm feeling like how am I feeling. And it's going to be through that self time that you get deeper insights into yourself. So you're going to want to work on your own individual practice. And this could involve you getting an individual therapist, this could involve you beginning to journal. And I have some journal prompts on my website for cheating. But you'll want to journal about your feelings, because you're going to want to move these feelings because these feelings will be there until they're removed. Because if you're having trouble forgiving, my guess is that there's a lot of feelings you have and the feelings keep building. So journaling is an amazing practice for helping you move through those feelings. I also invite you to begin meditating and feeling these feelings through meditation. I also think creativity is a great way to feel feeling. So I'm a writer. So I write screenplays. And those helped me feel my feelings. And you can also do art. And that's something you invite your kids to do with you. I don't know how old they are. But you can do art projects together. And they don't even have to know that you're angry coloring or angry painting. But you can work through those feelings through art, I find art to be very therapeutic. But you'll want to work on yourself and together. And then your third option would be to leave the relationship. That is an option. Even though you have children. That is something you could do. And that again will be hard. Because through leaving the relationship, as you know, I'm sure, you're going to have to figure out a lot of logistics and a lot of hard things like day to day things on top of healing. So the leaving route would be if you really can't forgive this person, if you really don't trust this person, if they aren't interested in pursuing this relationship, if they don't seem interested in having these conversations, if they're unwilling to talk about your feelings, if this person is unwilling to talk about the cheating more if, if this person refuses to work on this with you, that may be a red flag for you, you're just going to have to reflect on that yourself. Our partners can often hear us when we're not emotional. So even though you have a lot of emotions, you're going to want to try to have this conversation in a more grounded sense. So allowing yourself to have some of your feelings maybe ahead of time, which is why the individual journey and the healing together journey go together is because our partners can't always hear us when we're very emotional. So we're gonna want to process or some of those really hard motions by ourselves and then be able to talk about it. So you're going to want to see if your partner can do this work with you. And then another question is, are you willing to do this work with your partner? That is something again, only you will know the answer to? And if the answer is no, they're not willing to do the work with you or you're not willing to do it with them, then guess you may have to leave the relationship and that will involve you figure out where you're going to live. Your finances if your finances are entangled, and what you're going to do about your children know how that will look, there'll be a lot of really hard things to do with that answer to. But it's possible, people do it all the time. It's tough though, for sure. Because then on top of that, you'll want to do your own individual healing. Because as I talked about last week with forgiveness, you still want to move through forgiveness, because forgiveness is for you. So you forgive. So you don't hold on to this resentment. So you don't hold on to this anger. And it allows you to open your heart and open yourself up to life more. And if you do choose to leave, it would allow you to, in the future, open your heart up to a new relationship. So if after listening to this, or after taking some time to reflect, you're still unsure what you want to do. I invite you for 30 days to track how you feel. So you don't even have to bring this to your partner yet, if you're not ready. As a reflector, I do 30 Day tracking of many decisions I make. And I think it could be a great exercise for anybody who wants to have clarity. Because I think that over a 30 day period, you'll see how you feel. So I would invite you to buy a journal, if you don't already have one and two log every day how you feel. So do you feel like leaving? Do you feel like staying? Are you angry, and write down the triggers? Or if something triggers this cheating wound if something reminds you of the cheating? Or is it just looking at your partner that reminds you if they're cheating, I want you to log it, I want you to get really clear on how you're feeling. And you can just write day one really angry partner said blank made me angry, I yelled at him. I feel like leaving. Day two, you can write my partner did something really nice for me today. Maybe we can make this work. And I want you to just log it for 30 days. And then in 30 days to look over your notes, if you aren't already clear, because I think if you start writing down how you feel, getting it out of your head, that also brings clarity, because I think we just keep so much in our head, which is why when we speak it out loud through therapy, or to ourselves even or to a friend, we can get more clarity because sometimes when things live in our head, we don't realize how they actually sound. And also sometimes when things live in our head, there are truths that live there that we don't admit to ourselves until we get it down on paper or out loud. So I invite you to keep a journal of how you feel and to connect back to yourself every day. And to log it. I also would invite you in this journal to write an affirmation to yourself every day like I am on a journey of forgiveness, I forgive myself or I love myself, I am committed to my own self healing, finding a phrase that you can hold on to for the 30 days and that you can continue to tell yourself as you move through this tough time. So that is my short answer to a very long and complicated question. I hope something in here helps, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on this situation. And I hope that you are able to move forward in a new way. I just want to send you so much love. I am so sorry. You're moving through this. And I just want to honor you in whatever choice you take is courageous. And I promise that even though it's really really hard, this will not last forever. And oftentimes the hardest experiences we move through help us become our best selves. And we often learn how to love ourselves through suffering. It's unfortunate and I hope one day, we can just learn to love ourselves through love. But oftentimes in the world we live in now it takes tough moments and breaking points to get us to really dive into that self love into that healing and giving ourselves the self care and the self love that we deserve. So again, I hope something was helpful and I'm sending you so much love. Thank you for this question

    Amanda Durocher 29:10

    How do couples repair from cheating on an individual level? I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. And afterward she said that she needed space. What the fuck because she cheated. I caught her. I was in serious pain. Why wouldn't she come to me? Why wouldn't she helped lift me back up, reassure me more. My guess is that this was her way to break up with me and she wasn't able to control the breakup conversation because I caught her. Additionally, her not wanting to come help repair this deep betrayal has left me with the most intense feelings of rejection, emotional rejection and above all sexual rejection. How do I heal these feelings of rejection? Thank you so much for asking this question. This is such a raw, vulnerable and honest question. I can tell how painful this experience has been for you from your question and I just want to say I'm so sorry that this happened, and that this is something you're currently moving through. It is a really painful experience. And I'm sure it was quite shocking to walk in on your girlfriend cheating. So I just want to honor that. And I just want to honor all the awareness you already have around this, you're obviously very connected to your feelings, because you're aware of how much rejection you're feeling. And though they're really difficult feelings to feel, you are in the midst of feeling them. And that's so important for healing. So I just wanted to honor that. And to thank you for asking this question. So we can have this conversation. So just like the first question we answered, this is a multiple part question. So I actually wanted to start with talking about the second part, you mentioned the rejection piece of this question, because I think that rejection is such a big part of cheating. And we haven't talked too much about that yet. So I wanted to focus on that. Because I think that you already have so much awareness that you're able to suss out that there's emotional rejection, you're feeling as well as sexual rejection. And I think it's a great realization, you've had to be able to identify how you're feeling, identify that rejection. Because when we don't identify and put words to how we're feeling that can often lead to shame. And shame is such a big part of cheating. And it's often why people can take years to heal from cheating is because of this shame and not wanting to go into these deep, gritty feelings, right, rejection is a difficult feeling. Rejection takes time to heal. It's similar to betrayal. And you mentioned betrayal as well, where there's just a lot of different feelings that can be encompassed in rejection. And there's just so many different layers. So the image I'm getting, and I mentioned a similar image last week is that there's a ball of string, but instead of it being one string, there's like 50 different strings in a ball, and they're all a different color. But to untangle this ball of string, you need to untie one piece at a time. So one colored string at a time. And that's what rejection can feel like. Because rejection can lead to anger, sadness, grief, all these other feelings mixed in with rejection, because all these feelings get piled on top of rejection, as well as sussing out the different beliefs and stories you tell yourself because of this rejection. So I invite you to start to become aware of the stories you're telling yourself about this rejection? Because I would say that even the heart of this question where you said that, because she wasn't able to come to you, your ex girlfriend, it means she was trying to break up with you. That's a story you're telling yourself unless she tells you that's true. Because what I've found with cheating, is that over the past couple of months, I've spoken to many people who have cheated on their partners. And it is often much more complicated than just wanting the relationship to end. So my guess is that she might have had a lot of hard feelings about what she did. It doesn't mean she didn't want the relationship to end. But the reason she wasn't able to comfort you and may have needed space, is possibly because she was having a lot of hard feelings, she felt a lot of shame, she felt ashamed of her actions. And if people aren't emotionally mature, then they are unable to show up for others in times of need, because they're not even able to show up for themselves. So if she's unable to process what she did, and how her actions hurt you, it's very likely she would be unable to show up for you. Does that make sense? If she's unable to process her own shame, she's not going to be able to handle yours. She may have wanted the relationship to end she may have not have wanted the relationship to end. But my guess is that your hard feelings were too much for her. And not that they are too much. They're not too much. They're very valid. And you I'm sure have a lot of hard feelings, but she just may have shut down and been unable to be there for you. This happens all the time in our live set when we're moving through tough feelings. People have a hard time being there for us. It's one of the reasons I started this podcast is because I found when I was going through my healing journey, and I was healing from a lot of really hard things. Very few people could talk about it with me. Very few people could be there for me, very few people knew what to say. But a lot of people would shut down because I know what I've survived makes people very uncomfortable. So I didn't have a lot of people I could lean on while I was healing. I'm grateful to have some but I didn't have a lot. And what you might find and what other people listening may find while healing from cheating, is that the person who was your partner, your ex partner is not able to be there for you because they're not emotionally mature enough. And I think we're we're healing with it. often need a lot of different people. But for you, that's not going to be this ex partner, it's going to be finding possibly a therapist, having friends, family you can count on, maybe you're going to healers, finding a support system who can support you because it doesn't sound like this woman is able to support you. So circling back to the rejection piece, I want you to start becoming aware of the stories you're telling yourself about this rejection, or the beliefs you have around rejection. So because of this experience, what are you telling yourself? Because you mentioned emotional rejection and sexual rejection? So are you telling yourself I'm not good enough? I wasn't a good enough partner. I wasn't good in bed, like what beliefs are you beginning to tell yourself, because you want to suss out these core beliefs, because these are what we hope to heal over time. So I'll give an example from my own life to see if this is helpful. But when I was younger, I was bullied and had trouble making friends. I feel like throughout my childhood, I had new friends every year, I couldn't seem to keep friends in my youth. And this created a lot of feelings rejection for me that these friends often left me that I would become so involved with these people, I would be so open, and then they would leave me and I'd be left heartbroken. And because of this, I created the belief that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't a good enough friend that I wasn't worthy of having friendships. And I created these stories that I hung on to and I brought into my other relationships. So even before I made other friends, I already thought I wasn't a good enough friend. It was subconscious. But I already had that already had that baggage. And as I entered my healing journey, a big part of it has been to look at these friendships, and to look at these feelings of rejection and the stories I created because of them. And the truth is, none of it was true. So I don't know why most of these people stopped being my friend. But it's not because I wasn't good enough. There's nothing inherently bad about me. There's nothing wrong with me. People don't jive all the time, people come in and out of people's lives, they could think I'm annoying, it still doesn't mean I'm actually annoying. It just means that they think I'm annoying. But I can choose I don't receive that. That's not true. I'm not annoying. I'm awesome. So it's all about how we take on the beliefs of others. And it's starting to suss out what you are telling yourself based off this experience. And I wanted to mention that this may sound a lot about the emotional rejection piece. But I think that this is tied to the sexual rejection as well, because sex is another topic that has so much shame around it, which is a reason cheating can be such a shameful topic. It's one of many reasons. But because many people have an unhealthy relationship with sex, it can lead to cheating being very complicated. So I wanted to take a minute to talk about sex, and just to talk about what is your relationship with sex. So I'm not sure I've gone too much into it on the podcast. But as a survivor of rape, I've spent a lot of time with the topic of sex. And what I've learned is that in order to have a healthy relationship with sex, we need to think about it, talk about it and discover where our root beliefs of sex have come from. So many of us have beliefs around sex that are not ours. So their ideas and beliefs we've picked up from others. So this could be from friends from movies, from magazines, from the news from our parents from religion, but oftentimes, they're not our beliefs. A lot of times we haven't even taken the time to figure out what we believe about sex, what we want sex to look like what healthy sex looks like, what sex is to us, what we want sex to look like in our lives. What are our sexual needs? What are our sexual pleasures? What is a healthy sexual relationship, like with a partner? What is sex to me? What do I want my relationship with sex to look like? Am I having sex? Because I think I have to am I having sex? Because I think it means that this person loves me. What is my belief around sex and having sex with a partner? What is my belief around having sex with myself? What is my belief around one night stance? I think so many of us haven't taken the time to suss it out, to become comfortable in our bodies and to become comfortable talking about sex. Because it's another shameful topic. It's another topic that there's so much shame around and so many people are uncomfortable talking about. So I think most of us didn't have a safe place to learn about sex when we were younger. So that's why we end up gathering this information from unhealthy sources. For example, for me, I learned a lot about sex from my peers. So during the ages when people become sexual, I gathered a lot of information from other 14 1516 year old girls, I wasn't learning about sex in a healthy way, I was learning about it from other 16 year old girls with body issues with other 16 year old girls who are learning about it from movies, from other 16 year old girls learning about it from their peers, so it wasn't healthy. So I took on a lot of beliefs that are not true, and a lot of shame around sex. Because for me, for example, I was raped in my childhood, I was raped in my teens. And then a lot of the girls I learned about sex from had a lot of shame around their bodies, too. So for me, sex equals shame. So my relationship with sex was shame for a very, very long time. And as I have undone the layers, my relationship with sex has changed. But it's taken a very long time for me to have any version of a healthy relationship with sex, because it's very complicated for me, but I think it's very complicated for a lot of people. So that's why for you with this sexual rejection, I want you to start thinking about what are your beliefs around sex, I want you to really tune into that, you know, a lot of us watch TV and movies and learned about sex from that. And you know, we learned sex is magical and sexy, and that you should be really sexual, but not too sexual. Don't be a prude, but don't be a slob. So there's a lot of contradicting beliefs that are thrown at us. And when we don't talk about a topic as a society, like sex, we just pile on beliefs. We're just looking for somebody to tell us how we're supposed to feel about this. Because we don't know. And there's nowhere to turn and there's nowhere to talk to about it. So it just becomes swept under the rug. But we're piling on beliefs all the time. So for you some questions that I think you could ask yourself, to try and start to get at the root beliefs you have are, what is my relationship with sex? What does sex mean to me? What is sex to me? Do you think that sex and sexually pleasing your partner says something about your manhood or your womanhood? Do you believe that your partner having sex with someone else being something about who you are? What are you telling yourself about this situation? What are you telling yourself about sex. And I want you to dive into this topic. Because for most of us, there's so much to unpack. And the more clearer we can become around our beliefs around sex, the freer I truly believe we will feel, I believe that sex is a topic with a lot of shame. And the more comfortable we can get talking about it with ourselves, with our partners, and with society as a whole, and not feeling shameful about it, the more free we will really feel inside. I found that to be true in my own life. So I hope something that was helpful. I also wanted to mention for these intense feelings of rejection or feeling that I wonder if a therapy like EMDR therapy, or somatic therapy could help you. So both of these are trauma therapy techniques, because I'm wondering if this was a very shocking experience on your body, and if it got stuck. So many of us have stuck feelings, memories, emotions in our body. So I think everybody could benefit from EMDR and somatic therapies. But EMDR, if you've never heard of it is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. And you could look for a therapist who offers this but it really helps to process trauma, I've found it to be very helpful in my own life. And then somatic therapy is about getting in your body and connecting to your body. Because oftentimes, when we experience something traumatic or something shocking, we leave our bodies. So one of these types of therapies may help you to process some of those really intense feelings. If you're feeling like uncovering the stories and the emotions just isn't enough, you may need an extra step, which I think a lot of us do. I think the healing journey requires a lot of different techniques, a lot of different people involved a lot of support and finding what works for us. So I just wanted to mention those. To touch on your first question. How do you heal individually? I think I talked about this a lot throughout episode 22 and episode 29. So if you haven't listened to those, I recommend you give those a listen for some tools and suggestions. But here I just wanted to stress the importance of self compassion, self forgiveness, patience and self care. You have experienced a really hard experience, and it will take time to heal. There's no overnight fix for something like this. I know we all wish there was but it requires a willingness to allow yourself to move through the tough feelings and to feel the grief of your relationship and also to grieve where you maybe thought you would be in life right now rather than where you are. And also to learn to love yourself by connecting with yourself regularly. And part of that self compassion piece to that I mentioned it is being kind to yourself, if there's a day you use a coping strategy, or if there's a week, you don't want to look at it, it's just being kind to yourself through that. Knowing that you will get back to the healing, where you will look at that again, or you will process the feelings but knowing that you don't have to do it 24/7. And being kind to yourself while you move through it. You don't have to rush this process at all. I believe that it's in your highest and best interest to move through this eventually. But you don't have to rush it. Listen to your body, listen to that inner voice take time to play take time to enjoy life, while you're moving through something really hard. Because it's so easy to get caught in the healing cycle of just like killing belief after belief after belief. And it's hard work. It's a lot on the body, it can bring us into fight or flight, it can just feel exhausting. So I just want to emphasize that part of healing is also enjoying life and learning to be kind to ourselves as we try different things. And as we take breaks from looking at hard truths or hard feelings and just learning to love ourselves in every moment. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. I hope that I was able to offer you a new view, on rejection or on what you're moving through or to offer you a technique that may help you along this journey. As always take what helps leave what doesn't. And I'm sending you so much love as you move through this. This is a tough chapter you're moving through. But I am honored to be here with you along this journey. Know that I'm cheering you on as you continue to heal, and that you're so worthy of love. You're so worthy of healing, you're so worthy of honestly all your heart's desires, and you deserve a partner who treats you well. And I just want you to know I'm sending you so much love. And I'm sending you lots of blessings. So thank you for this question.

    Amanda Durocher 47:05

    Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. I hope that this episode offered anyone moving through being cheated on some comfort, and maybe some new tools for the healing journey. I am so grateful for everyone who listens and to continue having these conversations about cheating. If you haven't already, I invite you to subscribe to the podcast so that you never miss an episode and also to leave a rating and a review. Ratings and reviews help to bring more people to the podcast and to help people feel safe listening to this show. And also to know that people find it helpful. So if you found this episode helpful, I would love it if you left a five star rating and a review. I am so grateful for everyone who listens and to continue having these conversations each week. And I love when people reach out through email and through direct message because I love hearing about where you're at in your healing journey and I'm so passionate about talking about healing. Thank you again for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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Amanda Durocher https://www.amandadurocher.com/
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