Reflections started as a Youtube series, but has evolved to be a place where I share writings and stories from my own healing journey.
“What am I doing with my life?”
My therapist smiles. “You ask this question every week. It’s too big. A life is a long time. It must feel stressful always worrying about this.”
She’s right. It does feel stressful, and also daunting. But then why can’t I let it go?
After that all I could think about was what happened to me when I was a teenager. It was clear I didn’t have a choice anymore. This part of me was not going anywhere. That’s how I found myself talking to a new therapist on a farm. I had chosen equine therapy for two reasons. One, I had heard that working with animals could help me to trust people again. And two, I thought I may be able to skip right over the speaking about the horrible thing that I labeled all my fault, and just ride horses.
I was eighteen, and I would have sworn I was in love.
But, was love supposed to be inconsistent, painful, and confusing? And could I truly love someone else if I didn’t yet love myself?
I started dating my first boyfriend—let’s call him Calvin—when I was a senior in high school.
“Ma’am your bag will not fit in the overhead bins, you’ll have to check it.” Says an indifferent airline employee as I hand her my ticket to get on my flight from Los Angeles to Toronto.
“Are you sure?” I plead.
“Yes. Please step aside.” My palms are sweaty. My voice stammers. I feel a lump in my throat. My breathe becomes more and more shallow. This bag has to fit on this flight.
In the final episode of Season 1 of Reflections, I dive into the question I am most commonly asked - after everything I have survived, how do I still have faith? This story is about how leaning into faith helped me to survive my darkest days. I share the intimate story of grappling with suicidal thoughts and how an astonishing midnight miracle helped reignite my hope after the death of my close friend and sexual assault.
This week's reflection is about how I made everyone uncomfortable surviving sexual assault. The more I tried to talk about sexual violence, sexual assault, and rape, the more I felt shamed. As I reflect on my healing journey, I see clearly now how painful it was for people to be so uncomfortable with me and my story, and how I don't think that needs to be the case.
In this episode, I reflect on the bystander effect. What responsibility did the bystanders have to step in, speak up, or intervene when I was being raped? Throughout my healing journey, I have asked myself how can I trust people to do what's right after living through this experience.
This story is about betrayal by women after sexual assault. I speak of two women I felt betrayed by - one was the teenage girl who was with me the night I was raped, and the other was a spiritual leader who betrayed me when I went to her for help and healing. This story goes into the complexities and feelings of betrayal in the aftermath of sexual trauma.
This is a story about my experience survivor's guilt. I share how I suffered from survivor's guilt as I was healing from sexual violence and suicidal ideation. I share this story as an example of survivor's guilt and how I processed the intense feelings of guilt and unworthiness.
In the episode I share a poem about the healing journey, and especially my experience healing from fear. I wrote this poem when reflecting on how fear used to debilitate me, but overtime I have learned how to navigate the fears that arise.
In the episode I share a story about a time in my life when I was grappling with the horrors of sexual violence and my own near-death experience. During this time, I cross paths with another victim of sexual violence, but she was murdered at age 15. This story is in honor of Courtney Wilkes and the profound impact her life has had on me as a survivor of sexual trauma.
In this episode, I tell a story about an experience I had in high school where I was stalked and then stalked my stalker. I share this story because I judged myself and felt shame for this experience for a very long time. I now know, after years of healing, that this was a trauma response and I am not alone with feeling lost and insane in the aftermath of sexual trauma.
Welcome to Reflections, a New View Advice minisode series! Each week I read short stories from my own healing journey. This week I share a story about a time I got really really angry after finding out that one of the guys that raped me got engaged. I share this story as an inside look at what it can look like to heal from trauma and to hopefully help someone out there who may have intense feelings and not be sure if they are normal.
