Exploring the Toughest Parts of Healing After Being Cheated On
Healing from betrayal is hard. It has physical and emotional fallouts and is likely to bring previously undealt with traumas to the surface. The healing journey will be tough, but it will be so worth it in the end.
Self Care & Self Love Are Betrayal’s Best Friends
Cheating is a traumatic event. Sometimes we saw it coming, knew something was going on, or felt that our partner was drifting off or detaching. No matter the case, the outcome is all the same. Finding out our partner cheated and betrayed us deeply, to put it simply, sucks.
Our nervous system goes into free fall. Physically, it feels like we’ve been catapulted into the wall like some comic book action scene. Oftentimes self-worth and trust ceases to exist, almost with a feeling like they never existed at all. We wonder if this is something we’ll ever be able to truly heal from.
Well, you will. Healing from cheating is possible, but it takes time. It takes patience and allowing yourself to love. It takes self-love.
In this article, we’ll walk through different stages of the post-betrayal healing journey. A stronger you is around the corner, but it takes self-love and inner work to get there.
Feeling & Healing the Physical Response First
When we experience a traumatic event, our physical bodies fossilize the reaction. The stress response, the rapid heart rate, trembling, and loss of appetite—our bodies record all of these responses. Almost like a stenographer in a courtroom.
Post-infidelity stress disorder (PISD) is an anxiety disorder that a person may experience after finding out a partner has cheated. It shares similarities with post-traumatic stress disorder but is not an officially recorded mental disease like PTSD.
The effects of PISD generally last for about a week but can last as long as a few months. A person with PISD symptoms may experience flashbacks from the moment they were told they were cheated on. They might also replay any interactions with their partner leading up to the admission of betrayal, much like someone suffering from PTSD. It’s also common to rehash your partner's movements, analyzing memories for any inklings that would've shown your partner was being deceitful. Another symptom of PISD is self-deprecating or self-blaming thoughts.
Healing from Post Infidelity Stress Disorder
PISD can bring a flurry of symptoms, disruptions, or behavioral symptoms. Most are short-lived and take nothing more than time and self-love to work through. However, some behavioral symptoms like avoidance and trust issues could have a negative long-term effect if left unaddressed.
A common side effect of PISD is insomnia, another similarity it shares with PTSD. During the first few days of responding to betrayal, your mind will probably be racing. As a result, it might be hard to sleep at night. That’s okay. Give yourself permission to be patient with yourself. Practicing self-love is key. Your heart and trust were shattered. It’s okay, and necessary, to let your mind think everything through.
PISD can also include severe trust issues. Understandably, this is the most common outcome of PISD. Losing trust in your partner and possibly yourself is emotionally draining. It feels as if everything you thought you knew about your partner was actually a lie. Working through the trust fallout of betrayal is a healing journey in and of itself. This will take communication and patience from your partner, but most importantly, yourself.
Healing from PISD is possible and will make you stronger on the other side. Just like healing from PTSD or any other trauma response, practicing patience and self-love are the two most important processes. At the end of the day, you only have you. You are in pain. You deserve better than being your own worst enemy on your healing journey.
Healing Unresolved Trauma
After finding out you’ve been cheated on, it’s normal to question why your partner would do this. How could they do this? Feelings of self-blame and inadequacy might follow as you chase after a reason to regain control of the situation.
Cheating almost never has anything to do with the person who was cheated on. The way people behave has nothing to do with you. Most people are navigating life with unresolved trauma, and more often than not, it's usually the reason for self-sabotage in relationships.
People with unresolved trauma, such as childhood abuse or their own past relationship betrayals, naturally develop poor coping mechanisms. This isn’t always the case, but unless they’ve done the inner work to heal past traumas, they are likely still programmed with their unhealthy methods of responding to emotional stress.
These underlying traumas can lead to self-sabotage in relationships, such as cheating. A person who isn’t used to being loved correctly or feeling safe in a relationship might cheat to feel the feeling of chaos that comes naturally to them. Someone who’s unhappy and didn’t feel safe to communicate their feelings as a child might cheat because it’s easier than having an honest conversation.
There are many reasons why a person cheats, but they have nothing to do with the person who is cheated on. Having awareness of the fact that infidelity usually comes from the cheater's unresolved traumas can help you realize it’s not your fault. You were simply a reflection of your partner’s insecurities that they unfortunately didn’t have the tools to properly address.
Inner Work Healing Journey: Accepting Responsibility
The hardest phase of healing from betrayal is accepting your part in healing. It is not your fault that your partner cheated, but it is your responsibility to heal. This is controversial and by no means victim blaming, but the reality is that it takes two to tango. Cheating in relationships usually leads to both parties being triggered from unresolved trauma.
To put it bluntly, the healing journey in recovering from betrayal will probably hurt. It will take immense amounts of inner work to be able to understand these new triggers and emotional responses that your body is experiencing. The reason you are having these responses is because your partner cheated on you, yes, but solely blaming them for what happened only delays your own healing.
Certified life coach and relationship facilitator, Kate “the betrayed wife,” explains:
“Unfortunately, blame stops us from accepting and processing our triggers. It is a way of rejecting our triggers and making them someone else's problem. Blaming our partner for our triggers inhibits our healing and leads to resentment. Resentment leaves us feeling like a victim, and victims can make others responsible for the way they feel.
Accepting that triggers are a normal reaction after infidelity can begin to put us in control of our betrayal recovery instead of feeling like a victim. Acceptance helps us recognize our triggers as normal and healthy threat responses after being cheated on. When we own our emotional responses, rather than seeing them as terrible, we can use them to help us understand and recover from the pain they are protecting us from.”
Part of the inner work process is feeling all of your emotions. What is the emotion that is coming up? Where is it coming from? Does it really have to do with the thing that triggered the emotion? Usually, it does not. Dive deep into what happened in your past that is causing you to respond this way now. Ripping the trauma weeds out of your nervous system will help you to understand the triggers you are feeling now.
Accepting responsibility is only a small part of the recovery process. At the end of the day, you are not the one who cheated. Acknowledging your role in what happened is only to benefit your healing journey. Showing compassion for your partner is just as important as showing compassion for yourself.
Your Healing Journey Starts Now
Sadly, infidelity in relationships is pretty common. People heal from the trauma all the time and grow stronger from the inner work and self-care they were forced to give themselves. An easy way to start on your healing is to start journaling.
Journaling helps to purge your thoughts and emotions from your recovering mental space. It’s doing you absolutely no good to keep all that negative energy and pain in there. Writing out how you’re feeling and breaking down the entire situation step by step will show you exactly where you need to take the next step.
The Healing from Being Cheated On in Relationships Journal Prompt Workbook is a great place to start. Your new self is waiting for you on the other side on your healing journey. You owe it to yourself to get started today.
Healing your relationship with your partner after betrayal trauma is possible, but first, you have to heal the relationship with yourself. You need self-care and self-love before you can give it to anyone else. You deserve it.