Why It's So Important to Communicate Our Emotions to Our Partner
Communicating our emotions with our partner is a practice that many of us struggle with daily. There are so many reasons why we might hesitate to express our feelings: fear of being abandoned, judged, or misunderstood, to name a few. If we grew up with parents or caregivers who were emotionally volatile or unavailable, we probably felt safer keeping our emotions to ourselves and pretending everything was okay. We feared rocking the boat with our “inconvenient” feelings that revolted adults—or worse—went completely unnoticed.
When we take this way of coping into romantic relationships, it can wreak havoc on our chances of feeling connected to our partner. Emotional ‘walls’ that we’ve built over time can lead to resentment, disconnection, and coldness. Taking the first steps toward expressing our emotions can feel awkward, and downright wrong at times. The truth is, it takes bravery to take those initial steps. However, once you’ve flexed the emotional IQ muscle enough, it starts to feel natural and easy—liberating, even!
For the purposes of this blog, I’m going to use a personal example so that each point feels clear and connected. In this example, I had just woken up and was laying in bed with my fiancé. I turned toward him and noticed he was on his phone. I then tapped his shoulder (my way of reaching out for connection). He responded by saying he wasn’t quite ready to connect and needed some more time on his own. I felt hurt, angry, and rejected—and I immediately got out of bed, retreating to the community pool as my—misguided—way of showing that. Within ten minutes, my partner came down to the pool and asked, “Are you mad at me?”
Let’s get into some of the reasons why it was so important for me to answer his question with the truth about what I was feeling in the moment:
Expressing our emotions helps us identify and vocalize what we feel
Emotions are a powerful source of guidance and direction for us. Each feeling that we experience has a purpose for arising inside the body and mind. A lot of us learned in early childhood to suppress our emotions because they were “inappropriate” and “bad”. We were shamed so intensely for our feelings that we actually disconnected from ourselves. For some of us, that disconnection led to the inability to name what we feel at any given moment. We’re left with a general sense of numbness.
Learning to safely express our emotions can teach us to name what we feel. It might sound elementary, but being able to label our feelings is actually a huge step. Labeling our emotions helps us to make sense of what is going on in our internal world. The next step is to vocalize those feelings in a way that feels accurate and complete.
When my partner asked, “Are you mad at me?” he invited me into an internal emotional assessment. His question gave me the space to go inside and ask myself what I was feeling and why. I wasn't used to doing this with him. Normally, I would say “I’M FINE!” and leave it at that. This time, I decided to mix it up. I responded, “Yes, I am mad at you. And that’s not it. I’m also hurt because I was reaching out for connection, and I felt rejected.” It felt almost cathartic to express my emotions to him in a direct way. And it helped that I had cooled off by that point and was ready to have a discussion with less animosity.
Communicating our feelings helps us feel validated and seen
After identifying and vocalizing our emotions, we can then sense into the feeling of being seen. Emotional expression can feel vulnerable and yet so incredibly validating. If your partner can meet you in your vulnerability with compassion and acceptance, there is nothing more healing. When expressing your feelings, notice the shift in your body during and after your share. Being seen in our emotions can bring a sense of:
Lightness
Power
Connection (to self and to our partner)
Softness
After expressing to my partner that I was, in fact, angry and hurt, there was a part of me that said, “Oh no! Now he knows you’re not perfect!” There was also another part—a part that felt much more powerful. That part said, “Finally I can freely express myself and trust that everything will be OK.” And it was! My fiancé sat quietly listening to my share, validating and accepting my experience as true. In sharing my feelings, I also validated my own experience. It was a reminder to myself that I am worthy of being met in my emotions.
Sharing our emotions opens the door for connection and compassion
Only in vulnerability and truth can we find connection with ourselves and our partner. To express our emotions freely is to establish a sense of safety, compassion, and softness in our relationship. Humans inherently feel irked by secretiveness, resentment, and stoicism. We long to know each other intimately, and intimacy involves the vulnerable exchange of feelings. If we can learn to express our emotions in an environment of safety, we can go out into the world with confidence and power.
Telling my partner how I felt about his inability to connect that morning allowed us to have a much-needed conversation. I was ready to give him the silent treatment, but he wasn’t having that. His invitation for discussion gave us the opportunity to come to an understanding. He was able to see how it felt from my point of view and, likewise, to share how the situation felt in his shoes. Only then could compassion enter the story to provide reconnection and softening in our relationship.
Emotional expression gives our partner the chance to rectify the situation
Sometimes we expect our partner to read our minds. “If they really loved me, they would know how I’m feeling right now!” News flash: your partner isn’t a psychic—and that’s not a bad thing. We have to learn to express how we feel so our partners aren’t left in the dark, guessing which of the multitudes of emotions we are feeling in that moment. There’s a good chance that your partner wants to help. When you tell your partner how you feel, you give them the chance to support you through a difficult experience. And isn’t that part of why we couple up in the first place?
After sharing with my partner that I was angry and hurt by what felt like rejection, he was able to apologize for his actions. He was also given the chance to express how he experienced the situation, which helped me have compassion for him and soothe my own feelings. Although the start of our conversation felt awkward for me, coming full circle to his apology and my compassion gave me a sense of closure. I was able to move on from the situation after a short period of time and enjoy the rest of my day.
Expressing our emotions opens the door to communicating our needs
When we share how we feel with our partner, it gives us the opportunity to identify what is needed in the future around that emotion. If we feel sad because of our perception of our partner’s actions, we can make (compassionate) requests for different behavior in the future. Our emotions are powerful guides toward what we deeply desire to experience. If we can look at our emotions fearlessly, we get a glimpse into what we truly want in our relationships. So many instances of pain in romantic relationships arise from a deep desire to feel:
Seen
Desired
Safe
Adored
Respected
Once we finished our conversation about each of our feelings, my partner and I made the decision to prioritize connection in the morning. I agreed that I would give him space in the instances where he desired time to himself upon waking up. We talked about how this might look for us on any given morning. I became aware of how important feeling connected to him is in my experience of safety and love. We created a deepening in our relationship just by having this conversation (which took about twenty minutes total).
Take the First Steps Towards Emotional Expression in Your Relationship
Although emotional expression isn’t always the easiest choice, it’s the clearest path toward building a safe and connected relationship. The next time you feel angry or hurt (or anything in between) in your partnership, ask yourself if bottling up your emotions is serving the relationship. Most likely, the answer will be ‘no’. Emotional vulnerability is our best bet if we want to create deeper intimacy with our partner.
That doesn’t mean you have to go 0 to 60, expressing every single emotion you feel at every moment. Take baby steps toward revealing your inner world to your partner, and know that there are feelings you will keep to yourself. This is your power—to choose what you will share from your internal world in order to serve the highest good of your relationship.
As you take your first steps in expressing your emotions, have patience and grace for yourself. Remember that you are learning how to be vulnerable in a way that feels safe. This is a delicate process that requires time and self-compassion to unfold. Try to allow yourself to open gently like a flower, blooming slowly—without force—to display your full power.
For more information on navigating the challenges of long-term relationships, check out Love Under the Scope, a new podcast from New View Advice. In this podcast, we take a deeper look at long-term love and discuss the ups and downs we all face when we enter into partnership with another human being. Join us for weekly episodes where we look at love under the scope.
