108: How to Support Yourself After Sexual Assault, Rape, & Sexual Trauma

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Oct 16

In this episode, I discuss how we can support ourselves after sexual assault, rape, and sexual trauma. I share advice on how survivors can begin to feel safe in their bodies again, take their power back, and navigate the journey towards a new normal. Drawing from my own personal experiences and a listener question, I provide heartfelt guidance aimed at helping survivors feel less alone and more empowered on their healing journey.

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Timestamps ⏱️

Introduction: 0:15
Poem: 2:00
Listener Question: 3:27
Outro: 26:30

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey, beautiful soul. My name is Amanda Durocher, and this is new view advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. It's not my intention to give you all the answers. I believe you have all the answers you seek.

Amanda Durocher [00:00:25]:
You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode. Today, I'm answering a listener question about how we can support ourselves after we experience sexual assault. We will discuss how we can begin to feel safe in our bodies, how to take our power back, and why we may not ever return to normal, but that's okay. My intention for this episode is to help you to feel less alone. Sexual trauma can often feel really isolating, but I want you to know that you are not alone and healing is possible and that it really does get better. I promise. So I am deeply familiar with this trauma as a survivor of sexual trauma myself.

Amanda Durocher [00:00:59]:
And today, I wanna offer you a new view and a safe space to come as you are. Please be kind and gentle with yourself as you listen to this episode. If you don't like it, please just shut it off. There is no pressure. This is just a place for survivors by a survivor. So I honor wherever you are at on your journey. If you haven't checked out my website, I invite you to check it out after this episode for more free resources. I have a healing from sexual trauma hub on my website where you can find a bunch of different resources.

Amanda Durocher [00:01:25]:
I also have journal prompts meditations and more. So So to check that out, you can go to newviewadvice.com. And part of today's episode is about taking our power back. So I wanted to share a poem I wrote with you. I wrote this recently, and it's a little spicy. It's a little hot, but this is a way that I take my power back by telling my story by using my voice. For me a lot of times it's through writing. I feel powerful and I feel empowered on my journey.

Amanda Durocher [00:01:49]:
So I wanna share this poem with you. If you wanna skip it, check the time stamps and you can jump right to the question. Alright. Let's jump on in. I call this poem, you raped a witch. Sorry I missed your wedding. Someone must have forgot my invite. You looked like a handsome groom and your bride looked lovely and white.

Amanda Durocher [00:02:10]:
I'm not sure you heard, but as you bought a house, worked the corporate ladder, and married a beautiful spouse, I was putting myself back together, piece by piece, inch by inch, because I'm not sure you knew, but you raped a witch. And when we come back, we come back with a vengeance. You stole what wasn't yours and made me fear my independence. I locked myself in a cage. I did magic spells and drank potions. I cursed your name under the moon and felt all my emotions. I spoke to the divine mother and prayed for your head. I wanted you to suffer too.

Amanda Durocher [00:02:36]:
I honestly wanted you dead. But the dreams where I killed you and your little friends too always left me unfulfilled, and I still felt sad and blue. So I began to connect back to me and let go of you and your horrors. I learned to love myself and enjoy life in her waters. I would have stayed in hiding because I built a life of beauty, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that I had a mighty duty to come back from the dead and let you know that I know what you did that night in the woods before I could fully let you go. For you see the others you raped, they come to me at night and they whisper that I'm not alone, and together we can unite and rewrite a future history where we don't live in fear every time our daughters leave the house that someone like you will appear. So you thought we were playing checkers and that I'd always live in fear and hate, but the whole time I was playing chess and I just moved my queen to checkmate. Thanks for letting me share that.

Amanda Durocher [00:03:20]:
Came in hot. Hope you enjoyed. Let's jump on into the question. Hi, Amanda. You dropped an episode about how to support a loved one that's a sexual assault survivor. Thanks. I would love an episode about how to support yourself after sexual assault and what to do after, like how to take your power back, feel safe in your body again, and maybe about what are some things to help getting back to feeling normal again and like yourself instead of a victim. I am personally struggling with this right now and thank you from the bottom of my heart for speaking so openly about your life and struggles.

Amanda Durocher [00:03:53]:
It makes me and so many others feel less alone. Thank you. Thank you so much for this question. First, I wanna thank you for seeing me. I almost cried reading your question. I'm gonna be honest. I share my struggles because I wish I had heard more survivors share theirs on my darkest days. So it is extremely healing for me to be witnessed and seen by you in your heart.

Amanda Durocher [00:04:12]:
And I also just wanna say that I am so sorry that you experienced sexual assault. I am so sorry. This is a part of your healing journey. I know all too well what you are going through, and I am just so sorry. If nobody's told you recently that they're sorry for what happened to you, I just wanna be the person today to honor you and to say I'm sorry. I look back on my own journey, and I wish more people had just said, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've been thinking about that a lot recently. I have kept some people in my life who probably aren't the best for me because they provided some version of safety for me, but I'm seeing now that they don't see me.

Amanda Durocher [00:04:50]:
They don't see what I've been through. They don't honor this journey, and it's kind of a necessity for me at this point because it's so hard. And it's so healing too. I mean, I always like to mention here that healing from sexual assault has been the most transformative thing of my life, and it's been an honor to witness myself and to get to know myself so intimately through such a horrific experience. My darkest pain led to my greatest light, and that's something I'm grateful for. But with that said, it doesn't make it any easier. I mean, this is a really hard journey, and we live in a world with people who don't get it. They don't get it.

Amanda Durocher [00:05:28]:
And, honestly, I don't know if they have to get it, but I get it. And I just want you to know that I'm so sorry. And I felt so alone throughout so much of my healing journey, so I know how isolating it can be to heal from this trauma as well as other traumas. But I think there's a lot of shame around sexual trauma. At least I felt that way in my life. And when I would talk about it with other people, I could feel them shame me right back or be really, really uncomfortable by the idea of it. And I hope that's not too much of a rant, but I've just been reflecting a lot on this journey healing from sexual trauma. And I just see a need for survivors to have more safe spaces, to have more resources.

Amanda Durocher [00:06:04]:
And one of the things that drives me crazy, which is why I've leaned into really offering everything I do for free, is that how expensive it is to heal from sexual trauma, and that should not be the case. So wherever you are at, I honor you. I see you. I have been there. I've been in the ups and the downs of healing from this trauma. So thank you so much for this question. I think it's a great question. I've broken your question into 3 sections.

Amanda Durocher [00:06:28]:
I'm gonna talk about safety in our bodies, how to take our power back, and how to feel like ourselves again. So let's start with talking about how do we feel safe in our body again. So I think the foundation for healing sexual trauma is creating safety for yourself because when we experience sexual violence, our entire safety is taken in that moment, and because of that, it's very difficult to feel safe afterwards. So it's so important to build that inner safety while also cultivating a safe home, safe places to process your feelings, triggers, memories, and safe workspaces, safe relationships, really honoring yourself and your body throughout this process. I think to feel safe in your body, you have to start listening to your body. And what I mean by that is that your body will communicate to you what it needs. And so if you go in a room and you don't feel safe, part of creating safety in the body is leaving that room. It's allowing yourself to do things that may seem illogical.

Amanda Durocher [00:07:24]:
That's what I think of when I think about healing from sexual trauma is that I had to honor where I was at. So for example, in my life, I, to this day, like to sit in the aisle of auditoriums, airplanes. If I was on a bus, I'd wanna be on the aisle. I need to be able to get out. I need to be able to move. I need to be able to exit. And this can seem illogical. How does this relate to sexual trauma? It's because I was trapped when I was sexually assaulted.

Amanda Durocher [00:07:52]:
Right? I was pinned down, held. But because of this, I like to be in the aisle. And some people would think that's me being difficult, refusing to sit like in a window seat or refusing to sit in the middle. I hate it. I hate it. My whole body tenses and I think about it the whole time that I'm not sitting in the aisle. And I could either fight my body or I could listen to my body and I could sit in the aisle. And I could ask somebody to move so I could sit in the aisle.

Amanda Durocher [00:08:15]:
And sometimes it's not possible and I have to talk myself through sitting in a different chair. It's life. But I mentioned that example because I think that's an example of listening to my body. That to the outside world that may seem illogical or I've had people be like oh you should work on that trigger. You should work on that. No. Just no. I don't want to.

Amanda Durocher [00:08:34]:
I don't have to. You survived what I survived. You wouldn't wanna feel trapped again either. So that's the other thing. What listening to your body is it's gonna be your journey with your body. I know somebody else who experienced rape and they like to sit in the back of the room. They never sit in the front. They like to be by the exit in the back of the room.

Amanda Durocher [00:08:52]:
That's just what they like, and they give themselves that. They didn't realize that was why they did it for a really long time, but when they did, they just honored themselves. And then they realized they could sit in the front of the room if they wanted, but they still choose to sit in the back. It's just like me with the aisle. I could sit anywhere, But I still like to sit in the aisle, and I don't have to make myself feel bad for it. That's another thing with healing your relationship with your body is don't make yourself feel bad for the things that you need. Healing from sexual trauma requires us to stop people pleasing and to own what we need. Because we have a lot of needs after experiencing this trauma.

Amanda Durocher [00:09:27]:
That's what I found in my life. And I spent about a decade ignoring all those needs, repressing my trauma. And when it came back up because I suffered from repressed memories, but I had to begin to learn how to take care of myself. Because as I said, a lot of your needs right now are gonna feel illogical. Maybe you need to leave a dinner, like, 20 minutes in. I've done that. Maybe you need to cry at a dinner table. Maybe you need to go be in nature rather than at a desk at work.

Amanda Durocher [00:09:52]:
Maybe you need to leave that 9 to 5 job and get a job with more flexibility. Maybe you need to work from home. I don't know what you need but I know that your body will communicate to you what you need and it's not always comfortable. So when we experience sexual trauma, I really feel like a lot of times we leave the body because it's such a traumatic experience. So that's an experience where, like, part of you leaves the body. And so what I found when healing sexual trauma is it's like a journey back into the body. It's like one step at a time. And a lot of times to get back in your body, it's gonna require you to feel a lot of feelings.

Amanda Durocher [00:10:27]:
And so those things I mentioned upfront with, like, the boundaries and knowing what you need and listening to your body into different rooms, That's often one of the first practices because once you start doing that then you're gonna notice the feelings that arise. So if you feel disconnected from the feelings a lot of times it's because you have to create that safety. So once I started listening to my body and for me my body communicated it didn't want to leave the house for like years. And I would leave the house. You know, everybody has to leave the house. You have to go to the grocery store. But, truly, my body was constantly telling me it just wanted to be at home. And so when I would go home and when I kinda isolated myself for a few years, which I'm seeing now and I've mentioned it on the podcast, but I'm really seeing how isolated I've been.

Amanda Durocher [00:11:06]:
I felt a lot of feelings. And the more I felt the feelings, the more I came back into my body. Because when we're healing sexual trauma, it's unavoidable, the difficult feelings you're gonna feel. I hope that doesn't scare you away. Because honestly feeling those feelings is part of honoring yourself, witnessing yourself, and being compassionate to yourself. Sexual violence is violence. It is violent. And violence against you or against humans does something to a person.

Amanda Durocher [00:11:33]:
It really does. I've worked with enough people who have experienced sexual trauma, domestic abuse, other forms of violence to see that violence does something to a person. And it is a process to come back into your body and to create that safety. It is possible. And I think you'll feel even safer in your body than you did before. You'll trust yourself more than you did before. You'll be more compassionate than you were before. You'll be more self loving.

Amanda Durocher [00:11:55]:
That's what the healing journey does is we get more of us. And that is the gift of healing. You know, I have a friend who I speak to a lot about sexual trauma. We've both experienced it. And we talk about how it's one of those traumas that forces you to look at the dark in the world, and through that there are many gifts. It's a hard journey. I'm not gonna bullshit you and say it's like roses. You know it's not.

Amanda Durocher [00:12:23]:
You know it's not. You know what you live with. And I believe people who survive sexual trauma live with demons at night. Took me a long time to shake the demons I lived with. They came to me in my nightmares, my meditations, my low moments, my high moments. They always liked to peek their head in. And I mention this because most people don't live with demons or not the kind of demons you and I live with. Because what I've come to understand, and I think I might have mentioned this recently on an episode, but I believe everybody's been through something.

Amanda Durocher [00:12:54]:
So I believe we should be kind to one another. You never know what somebody's been through. But, also, some of us have just been through shit. You know? Like, the demons I live with, other people don't live with. And that's probably true for you too. You know, some of the demons I live with is that I was raped as a child, then I was gang raped as a teen by people I went to school with, and then there were people who watched it happen and did nothing and said nothing. And then I know of other people who experienced the same thing I did, and some of them are no longer with us. That kind of experience changes a person.

Amanda Durocher [00:13:31]:
That's what I've found. And the more I heal, the more angry I become that I'm not alone. For so long I felt alone, like nobody understood, and a lot of the world doesn't understand. And before I wrap up this part of the question, I want to mention again that a lot of people aren't going to understand. So when you're finding safety in your body, you want to listen to you, not to other people. Do not take advice from people who do not understand what you're going through. I have made that mistake enough. I took advice from people who don't get it.

Amanda Durocher [00:13:59]:
And that caused more harm than good. So really take advice from people who understand. I hope there's more resources. I'm going to continue putting out more resources. But, you know, other survivors really understand the experience and are great resources. And if you can find a therapist who's also a survivor, that's amazing. Because I think that when it comes to this trauma and getting back in your body and feeling safe in your body, it's going to be listening to your body. Another thing I just wanna mention is that when you are healing from this trauma, all of us are gonna have different triggers.

Amanda Durocher [00:14:28]:
So, like, for me, my experience happened in the woods in my teens. So for a long time, I would have this fear come over me when I stepped into the woods. And it wasn't until last year that I was like, alright, Amanda. You need to deal with this. You love nature. You love being in the woods. You don't want this to be something that keeps you from nature. But for a long time it did, and I was okay with that until I was ready to make peace with the woods.

Amanda Durocher [00:14:51]:
That process could not be rushed. So you coming home to your body is a process that cannot be rushed because you deserve to feel this whole experience. You deserve to honor yourself. And I'm so sorry we live in a world that still struggles to honor what you've been through because I know you've been to hell and you are making your way back up to your own heaven. And I respect that and I love that for you, but I know it's hard. So that's like a big sum up of how I feel about safety and your body. But a few practices you can try are meditation, really sitting with your body, getting familiar with your body. I found meditation to be a great way to get to know my body again, feeling where the feelings were within my body that needed to be processed.

Amanda Durocher [00:15:30]:
Meditation really helped me to slow down and be with my body. A lot of people practice breath work, yoga. Yoga will help you to be in your body, and I find easy yoga when you're healing. Right? Yoga Nidra, sound baths, but allowing yourself to do slow easy yoga, trauma focused yoga will help you because a lot of these emotions get stuck in the body, which is why we avoid our body, which is why our body doesn't feel safe because all these stuck fear, emotions, and terror are in the body. I've talked with people, and I have an episode where I talk about EMDR. I find EMDR to be a helpful tool along the journey of healing from sexual trauma. For me, it didn't heal everything, but it helped me move, like, the terror, the panic, like, some of those really hard feelings that are gonna be very difficult for you to just sit with. I found EMDR to be a really helpful tool for that.

Amanda Durocher [00:16:21]:
But finding what works for you, also, I invite you to explore your diet. For me, I ignored my diet for a really, really long time. And recently, I've used food as a way to nourish my body, respect my body, and come back home to my body. And it's been really healing for me to honor my body through what I put in it. But again, for a long time, I drank to numb the really hard feelings. And then I ate sugar for about 3 years. I baked a lot, and all I did was eat sugar cookies and ice cream. And now I still eat sugar, by the way, but I just am much more conscious of how foods feel in my body, and I understand when I'm picking them up as a coping strategy.

Amanda Durocher [00:17:02]:
But none of that happened overnight. So, again, you connecting back to your body is going to be step by step. It's gonna be a personal process. And the first step is to listen. Just begin listening to it. It is communicating with you and it takes courage to begin to listen, but it's also a journey home to yourself. The second question I wanna talk about is how do we take our power back? It's really one step at a time, and I promise that the more you heal, the more powerful you will become. But it's a journey, not a sprint.

Amanda Durocher [00:17:30]:
Be kind to yourself. I read a poem at the beginning of this episode. That's one way I practice taking my power back. But the journey to taking your power back is the journey of being with this trauma and your own pain. The more you sit with your heart, the more you will see yourself in a new way and you will see your strength. Anyone listening to this episode, I see your strength. I know you've been to hell. That's how I view it.

Amanda Durocher [00:17:52]:
I can't describe sexual trauma as any other way than going to hell. You go to hell and you have to climb your way back up. And I honor that in you. You are a courageous warrior and I believe trauma survivors are warriors of love. And every time you choose your heart and you choose to listen to your inner guidance in your inner world, you are choosing a loving act and that's brave and I honor you and you are taking your power back every day. I think that sexual trauma really teaches us that we are extremely powerful. You know, I really believe you are already powerful. You're just remembering that through this healing journey.

Amanda Durocher [00:18:28]:
You're courageous, like I mentioned. You're brave, and wanting to heal, wanting to move past this is an act of power and self love. You know what you desire at the end of this, and you deserve to be free of this, and you will get there. And you are getting there. And I wanna say I'm so proud of you because I know what it takes, and it's humbling and also really liberating. So I just wanna honor you. And, for me, my power has come as I honestly peeled back the lies I told myself. So the lies that I'm a coward or the lies that I'm unworthy, the lies that this happened to me because I was ugly, that I was to blame.

Amanda Durocher [00:19:00]:
The more I cried, yelled, screamed, and sobbed and allowed myself to go into the darkest places within me, the more powerful I became. For me, For me personally, what held me prisoner were those lies I mentioned around the experience, the stories I told myself. All the shame and the self blame kept me a prisoner inside my own body. But, through witnessing my pain and burning away those lies and no longer running from the truth, which was that this was not my fault and it was not your fault, I have found my power. And that's how you'll find your power too. And I truly believe power lies within self compassion because so often we beat ourselves up as survivors, but your true power will come through being radically loving and kind to yourself and cutting out all the things that do not serve you and being unapologetic about it. And that's not easy. I'm still apologizing for the boundaries I need to set.

Amanda Durocher [00:19:53]:
But what I have decided is that in order for me to continue to take my power back, I have to be the change I wanna see in the world. And I mention that because for you, you know, follow what you're passionate about. For me, when I first started this podcast, it helped me to gain my power back by talking about these things and people witnessing me and seeing me. Nobody in my life was able to at the time. I didn't know how much I needed to be seen. And I kept finding therapists who made me question myself and made me feel insane again, because I felt insane healing from this trauma. So many of us don't remember every detail of it or every minute of it. And that's the body's way of protecting us, but it also makes us feel insane.

Amanda Durocher [00:20:36]:
Like, wait, did that happen? Is that real? What is that? And again, it's getting into your body. Feeling safe in your body. And then step by step, that power is going to come as you listen to your heart and what you need through healing. I feel like it's an abstract answer. But the more you listen to your heart, the more you will be guided back to safety and back to your power. So I also wanted to address your question of how do we feel like ourselves again. So I understand the question, but I also wanna say that this is a hard one for me to answer because the truth is, in some ways, I'm not sure we ever feel like ourselves again. And I'm not sure we ever are the same person again.

Amanda Durocher [00:21:15]:
And I don't say that because I don't think you'll always be a victim. You are not a victim. You are a strong person. You are a strong warrior in my opinion. You are a child of love always. You're a child of God. You are so much more than this experience, but it doesn't mean it's not difficult, and it doesn't mean we don't feel like a victim. Because in that moment, we were victims.

Amanda Durocher [00:21:36]:
Right? And what I found throughout my own healing journey was that I had to allow myself to feel all of that victimhood in in order to no longer feel like a victim because I had to process the full experience of being a victim. I was a victim. I was pinned down and brutally raped and attacked by people I knew. I was a victim. I had to allow myself to feel that whole experience. It was very excruciating. But I mention that here because you will return to normal, in a way. You'll return to your great qualities.

Amanda Durocher [00:22:05]:
They will come back. It will come back better than before because you'll have this new perspective about yourself, and you'll see your strength and your resilience. But I wanna also say that I'm not sure we ever go back to quote unquote normal because you experience something abnormal. Most people don't have to sit with the demons that you'll have to sit with, and I'm so sorry for that. And most people in this world, what I find is they look away from the dark, the uncomfortable, and the scary. They don't want to see it, and many of us were like that before we experienced sexual trauma. And that's why it can be hard to return to normal because our world is flipped upside down. Your world is different.

Amanda Durocher [00:22:45]:
And, I just found through my experience that it was about embracing the change, and that life was different, and every time I wanted to return to something past, I was unable to, is what I'm trying to say, because it no longer existed. But the truth is that that's life. Right? We're always changing, we're always growing, we're always learning. And there's always a new normal. And I've also embraced through this that I'm not normal. Maybe you're not either. I think every human isn't really normal. I don't really love the word normal because I think what we've created as normal in society is conformity.

Amanda Durocher [00:23:20]:
And we're each an individual spark of light. We're each a diamond in the sky, as Rihanna says. And that's not normal. That's unique and brilliant and awesome. And I found through healing from sexual trauma, I remembered all those qualities about myself. And what a gift. Was it hard to find them? You betcha, but I found my creative self, I found my funny self, I found my authentic self, through allowing myself this experience and by being kind to myself. Because that kindness is so important because when you're kind to yourself, you're also kind to others, and life becomes lighter, and you no longer blame yourself for what wasn't your fault, and for the cruel things people maybe said to you afterwards.

Amanda Durocher [00:23:58]:
I spoke to somebody just yesterday who was telling me about the way their mother responded when they were raped and how they've been living with those words of, well, you shouldn't have done that in their head for, like, a decade. Oh, breaks my heart. So I don't know if this is the answer you necessarily wanted from this question, but I really wanted to offer this new perspective that maybe life won't be normal again, but that's okay. And that life can be new. I really found that this experience of healing from sexual trauma broke my heart a 1000000 times, but it broke it open every single time. And when our heart breaks, we can either choose for it to break open and break wider and bigger, or we end up putting defenses up and closing off to the world. But if you allow yourself to be rewritten by this experience, by the heartbreak, by the grief, by the difficult experiences, your new normal will be beautiful. You'll see life with fresh eyes.

Amanda Durocher [00:24:53]:
And again, it doesn't mean there won't be things that trigger you. I currently am dealing with some anger, and it's motivating me to create more. But I also see the beauty of life, and I feel fiercely protective of life because I see how beautiful it is. And for a long time I didn't. And when I look out in the world that's not a normal perspective I now have, because I experience something, again, abnormal. This is not normal. There are more survivors than I'd like there to be of sexual trauma, but it's still not a normal experience. So when trying to quote unquote go back to normal, I invite you to reframe it.

Amanda Durocher [00:25:28]:
Maybe there's a specific thing you want to go back to, like how can I get back to my creative self? Or how can I get back to my happy self? I think that is a clearer intention for yourself than getting back to normal because your life will be different. It reminds me of kind of going through a death. Right? When somebody in our life dies, life is never exactly the same again. We've lost that physical presence. Doesn't mean their soul isn't still with us, but we've lost that person so life isn't normal. It's a new normal. And so that was the perspective I wanted to offer there. But I hope something in this answer was helpful.

Amanda Durocher [00:26:00]:
This is always a difficult topic for me to discuss. I'm gonna be honest with you. I never know if I hit the mark on it. So if nothing in this episode resonated for you, know that this is your journey and that I'm just offering you my point of view and what I've learned. But what I've found through sexual trauma is that it is an individual journey back home to self. And the more you follow your heart, the more you will be guided home to yourself and the love that you truly are. Thank you so much for this question. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of New View Advice.

Amanda Durocher [00:26:36]:
As always, I am so grateful that we are able to come here together and have these conversations. I am honoring you and your journey today and sending you so much love. If you haven't already, I invite you to visit my website, newviewadvice.com, where I have more free resources for healing from sexual trauma. Thanks again for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.