Why I Can’t Stop Talking About Rape
Why can’t I just let it go? This is a question I find myself pondering recently
I look back on the last seven years, and can see clearly how I lived in an endless loop of triggers, flashbacks, and challenging emotions that I had no idea how to process. I had to find a way to make sense of things that most people won’t even talk about. It was a day-by-day struggle to get to where I am. Now that I feel so much better, I look back and struggle to find the words to describe this healing journey I’ve been on.
Recently, I’ve been reflecting on my younger self and who I wanted to be when I grew up. I dreamed of being an actress, a screenwriter, an ice cream shop owner, having a t-shirt stand on a beach, and even a princess. But, never would I have ever imagined being the woman who talked about rape on the internet.
Life is funny that way.
Truthfully, there are times that I wish I could be all those other versions of myself instead of the one I am today. I wish I was able to just move on and stop speaking about rape.
But then I remember that I wouldn’t be who I am today without this journey healing from rape, and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. This journey was tough and difficult, and had me praying on my knees for help more days than I can count, but it also taught me how magnificent I am. I know, that sounds so cheesy.
As I reflect, there are days that I’m in awe of myself. Not because I am so special or different, but because I picked myself up every single time I fell. I refused to believe the narrative that I would always be broken, damaged, or stuck in the endless cycle of triggers. Instead, I chose to believe with full faith that healing was possible.
My view of healing has changed though. I am still on my healing journey, because it is a journey not a destination. But I have overcome many hardships, and I have looked at the monsters that lived in the closet of my mind. I have made peace with things I didn’t think I could ever make peace with. I feel a lightness inside that at one point I only dreamed of being possible.
I embraced my inner world and all it had to show me. It was painful, but it was also truly liberating. What a gift. But, the acknowledgement of the gifts is new for me. I’ve known that the gifts were there, but have feared saying it aloud incase that triggered someone else.
Most of my days recently are filled with happiness, wonder, and laughter. It’s new for me. I catch myself wondering when will the shoe drop, but even when things come up, I find myself able to navigate these struggles with a new found ease.
I now have the ability to dance with life. I no longer resist, run, doubt, or fight it. I tried all those, and life always won, so why not jump on the ride of life. It’s much more enjoyable this way.
I don’t think about the details of what happened to me on a daily basis anymore. I still do sometimes, but in a more curious way. But I do think about sexual violence regularly. This journey I’ve survived is engraved in my DNA.
I believe I never “should” have gone on this journey. No one should have ever violated me in unspeakable ways. But, they did. That’s the truth. Just like someone in a car crash can’t go back in time and not experience that, I can’t go back in time and not have been raped. These are the cards I’ve been dealt. The reality I live with, and that I am now hyper aware so many others live with as well.
I’m still making sense of this journey I’ve been on. Many days I still struggle to find the words. It feels like a ripple effect of rape itself. That now that I no longer live in that place daily, struggling with emotional and psychological flashbacks, now is only the time I can make sense of the insensible. I also realized I haven’t heard anyone speak about all the different layers of this experience, but I also recently realized that maybe that’s because it’s my story to tell.
I have a lot to say these days, and maybe no one cares. But as I write this, I realize that I don’t care if anyone listens to what I have to say. I worked hard to get here and I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I get to have a voice. Sexual violence steals your voice in a way I still can’t articulate, but I am done with that chapter. In this new way of being, I get to speak freely. I deserve that.
I actually find it funny that I have been afraid to speak up and share my message of hope and healing. Why am I afraid of speaking from a place of truth and love, when others are not afraid of speaking from a place of ignorance and hatred? Doesn’t the world need more of love not less?
So, in a world that is comfortable being hostile to one another, I’d like to throw my hat in the ring and offer a little hope and light in a space still filled with so much darkness. That is why I just can’t stop talking about rape.
