128: Why You Can't Change Someone You Love: Letting Go of Relationships that Aren’t Good for You
In this episode, I answer a question from a listener who is navigating heartbreak after the end of relationship where they believed they could change someone, only to realize they could not. We discuss the question – how do we let go of the potential of someone and accept the truth of the relationship? Throughout the episode we discuss why we can’t change others and how we only have the power to change ourselves, the importance of recognizing your own worth, why you deserve someone who doesn’t hold you back, and how maybe you are your own soulmate.
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Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction: 0:05
Listener Question: 2:44
Outro: 27:50
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice with Amanda Durocher. Hey, beautiful soul. My name is Amanda Durocher, and welcome to New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers. I believe you have all the answers you seek. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:22]:
Today, I am answering a listener question from someone who is navigating heartbreak, and specifically the heartbreak of being in a relationship where they thought they could change someone and finding out that they could not change this person. And how do you let go of a person who you saw such potential in and who you really believed you could change? But at the end of the day, as you may know or you may not know, we do not have the power to actually change anyone. Everybody has the power to change themselves, but that is a journey that not all will go on with us. And, oh, isn't it heartbreaking when we are caught in a situation where we have to let go of a person whose potential we can see, but who is not meeting us where we need them? So my intention for this episode is to reassure you that we have all been where you have. I think most of us along the human journey, especially empathic souls, have experienced a relationship where we thought we could change someone or we thought somebody was different than they were. We were seeing who we wanted them to be rather than who they truly were. My other intention is to help you to let go of this relationship and to remind you of your own worth and why holding on to this relationship is actually not serving you, and it's not good for you or this other person. And my last intention is to offer you some ways on how to let go and also to just reassure you to be kind with yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:43]:
Heartbreak is real. We have to move through the grieving process. It's gonna take as long as it's going to take. And I believe that when we are still in grief or we're still in that process, it's because there's more to learn or more to look at, more to honor within our own human experience, and there's nothing wrong with that. So my hope is throughout this episode, you feel ready to let go of this relationship and to take the next step on your healing journey. Before I jump into today's listener question, I like to mention upfront that if you haven't already, I invite you to check out my website. Nuvia Advice is a media company for the healing journey. I offer lots of content on the healing journey, so you can check out my website.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:17]:
I have blog posts, meditations, journal prompts, more podcast episodes. I have another podcast called Reflections and another podcast called Love Under the Scope and much more on my website at NuviaAdvice.com, so I invite you to check that out after this episode. And with that, let's jump into today's listener question about how to let go of people no longer serving us and how it's not our responsibility to change anyone. Hey, Amanda. Thanks for your podcast. It has been so healing for me to listen to your episodes. I find the way you speak on things really speaks to me, so thank you. I was hoping you could help me with something.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:54]:
I recently got out of a relationship. Honestly, it came as a bit of a shock to me. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened. I was in a relationship with this guy for eight months, and I thought things were going really well. It started off slow, but over time, we really grew to love one another, or at least I thought we were on the same page. A few weeks before we broke up, I started to see red flags. I realized I was putting so much more into the relationship than him, and I think he did like me. But I don't know if he was as into me as I was into him.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:20]:
I tried to bring up how I was feeling with him and have a mature conversation. And in the moment, he seemed apologetic. But the next time I saw him, he put the whole thing on me like I was the bad guy. He then began to pull back, and I felt like I was at square one with him again. He boxed me out. He became quiet and distant. It was like he changed overnight. I knew he let me into his world and that he didn't do that with a lot of people, so I felt like we were on the same page.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:43]:
But I'm shocked how quickly he changed. I tried to have one conversation, and he ran away. I tried to broach it again, but he was distant and put all the blame on me. Since then, it has become clearer and clearer that there were many signs that I ignored along the way. I didn't know it at the time, but I think I thought I could change him. I know how that sounds. But when I saw red flags, instead of seeing them as red flags, I began thinking, oh, I could help him with that, rather than seeing the writing on the wall, so to speak. I am writing in because our relationship has fizzled.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:11]:
I stopped texting him, and he never reached out again. This relationship, I thought was perfect, is now nonexistent. I'm heartbroken and sad. But the truth is I'm most sad with myself. I really thought I knew better, and I still find myself wondering if there's something I can do to get him and our relationship back to what it was before it fell apart. Is that wishful thinking? Is there something I'm not seeing? How do I move on when I was so convinced he was my soulmate? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for this question. This is a beautiful question, and this is a question so many people can relate to.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:44]:
So I just really wanna thank you for asking this. When I read this question, I was just like, wow. Yes. You described that experience so well of what it's like to have, like, the rug pulled out from under you where you see something clearly that you weren't able to see clearly before. I also just wanna say upfront here, thank you so much for your kind words about the podcast. I'm so grateful that you found it healing on your own journey. It is really a privilege and an honor to be able to answer these questions and have people write in each week. So I am just so, so grateful for everyone who listens to each episode.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:14]:
If you enjoy this episode, I really do invite you to share it with a friend. Sharing my work is really the best way to help me and review advice. I do all this for free. So I just wanted to mention here before I jump in, thank you so much. And your support means so much to me, so thank you. Okay. So the first thing I want to say upfront here is that I'm really sorry you went through this. I think that what you described is very painful experience, especially when you are in love with somebody.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:39]:
Right? You described being in love with this person and how you felt like you two were on the same page, but you realize now that you likely weren't. That is a really painful experience to go through. Because when we fall in love and we give our trust to somebody, it's a vulnerable process. It's one of the most vulnerable things we can do. So many people go about life protecting themselves, protecting their heart, and not trusting people fully, and you allowed yourself to fall for this person. You allowed yourself to go all in and to fall in love, and there's nothing wrong with that. And I think that though you're going through heartbreak right now, I think it's beautiful and brave anytime we do allow ourselves to love. I think every time we open our heart to love, we learn something.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:23]:
And though you are navigating a painful experience, I have been there. I feel this question. I have recently gone through a friend breakup. I'm laughing because I feel like I talk about friend breakups a lot on the podcast because because I've been with Evan for fourteen years, so I don't have the romantic heartbreak. But friend breakups have broken my heart over and over again. And I recently went through a friend breakup that is similar to your question where I thought me and this person were on the same page, and we weren't. And now we are no longer friends, and it has been so painful for me. So I just wanna say I am right there with you, and I think everybody listening to this question understands what it's like to think we can change somebody that we can't.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:01]:
And so I wanna talk to that idea that you mentioned here that you realized that you were unconsciously trying to change this person. I want to honor that awareness because that is amazing awareness because I think that we talk about this idea as a society, like, wanting to change somebody, like, I can change him. But the truth is many times when we're playing out that pattern, it is unconscious. We don't understand that's what we were doing until later. And we do this in different ways. We can be controlling. We can be even judgmental of the person. Like, oh, they're living this way, but, like, I know they can live this way or whatever it is.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:38]:
But I find that many times this can stem from the idea that you can see somebody's potential, and you are inspired to help them live to that potential. But the truth is that we don't have the power to change people. That's one of the things that I preach in this podcast. I don't even like to say preach, but you know what I mean, is that I don't have the answers for you. I don't have the power to change your life. I don't have the power to heal you. Only you have that. And I have this podcast so that I can help people to remember that, and I can help people to change their perspective.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:12]:
And maybe if they back themselves into a corner, help them to see a new view, see a bigger perspective. But I don't have the power to change anybody, and neither do you. It's humbling when we realize that. We can help people. We can guide people. We can be there for one another. But, truly, the only person who has power to change their life is them, is you, is me. We possess that power within us.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:38]:
You know, I think that so often we give our power away by thinking somebody changed us, but truly it's us who can change our lives, only us. And I wanna share a story, an example of that from my own life where when I went sober, I went sober over four years ago, I had somebody tell me in a sort of abusive way, in a humiliating way, honestly, that I needed to go sober. And when I experienced this, it took me another six months to go sober. But for a long time, I credited that person for my sobriety. That person is the reason I'm sober. So I had a very complicated relationship with this, what I view as abusive experience. But it took time for me to understand that that person told me what I needed to hear, but that person did not go sober for me. That person actually had absolutely nothing to do with me after telling me I needed to go sober in an unhealthy way.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:27]:
But for so long, because they were the person who kinda shocked the lights on within me, so to speak, I credited them for something that I did. I am the one who chose to stop drinking. I am the one who actively chooses to not drink. That person just spit some truth at me that I needed to hear. And I'm grateful for that experience, and I view that as something that helped me along my journey. But that person did not do the work for me, but I gave them that power for so long. Oh my gosh. She's the reason I went sober.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:57]:
Like, that was giving my power away over and over again. And I share that because I believe in this relationship you were in. You likely did share your insights, and you likely did lift this person up, and you likely did see their greatest potential for them. But what you're seeing now is that though you saw the best in them and though you saw things that you believe could help them, they didn't take your advice. They didn't want you to be a guide for them. They didn't want you to change them. They didn't wanna change their own life. And that is so hard sometimes to accept because I know it can be hard for me to accept that some people don't wanna change.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:35]:
But the truth is, as I'm sure you know, listening to this podcast because if you're listening to this podcast, you're into self work, self improvement, looking at the hard things, change is hard. It's easier to stay the same. And some people don't wanna do the hard work. And so I truly believe we can't change anyone. And so for you, at the end of your question, you said that you were wondering if there was a way to get your relationship back. I'm gonna ask you if the relationship you thought you had is the relationship you ever had. And what I mean by that is that when we're wearing rose colored glasses and we're not seeing somebody clearly, we're seeing their potential rather than who they truly are. That person doesn't truly exist, if that makes sense.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:22]:
So for example, in the friendship I had, I viewed me and this person, this friend I used to have, as the same. Let me tell you straight up, that's already a red flag. If you're viewing somebody as the same as you, because we are all so uniquely different, it's beautiful. It's what makes humanity one of the most beautiful species, I believe, is that we all are so unique. We can have similarities, and we can have similar experiences. We are all different. So when you catch yourself thinking you are the same as somebody, begin to bring in that awareness. Is that true? That's something my partner Evan says all the time.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:56]:
That's kinda how he goes through the world, asking the question over and over again, is that true? I used to find it incredibly irritating. But the truth is the world is filled with a lot of illusions, and we also, as humans, tend to live in our own illusions or delusions is what sometimes I call them. But it's important to ask ourselves if the thoughts we have are true. And so with this relationship that you are looking back on, I invite you to really be honest with yourself. With the relationship you look back on, is it true what you told yourself about it? You even said in your question that you loved them, and you're not even sure he ever loved you. He may have in his own way, but did you put him on a pedestal? Did you view him as somebody he could be rather than who he was? I invite you to look back at the actions because I believe actions speak louder than words. And it sounds like you were putting a lot more emotionally into this relationship than he was. And it sounds like you may have seen other things and be seeing them now more clearly than you did at the time.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:56]:
You may have made excuses for different behaviors he had rather than seeing them for what they were, which my guess is immaturity. Because you mentioned that you tried to have a mature conversation with this person and that he flipped it on you and made you the bad guy. And he might have not done that in the moment, but he did that later. And the truth is it sounds like a defense mechanism. I don't blame this person for doing that. I think it's very human. I don't think people like to take responsibility, especially people who do not choose to grow and change. And I think that it sounds like in this relationship you've had, you've been carrying a lot of the emotional burden.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:28]:
How you said that you are emotionally ahead of him, he might have actually liked that, that you were so clearly into him, and he got to not give you the same amount that you were giving him. So then you had a fight with him, and it sounds like he did the same thing. He wanted you to take more responsibility than him, where I believe arguments take two people. And very often, there's two different perspectives coming at a situation and two different childhood wounds even, and it takes two people taking accountability and having an adult conversation about it to move forward. Sounds like this person wasn't able to do that with you, and I'm so sorry that you had one conversation. It sounds like you showed your needs one time. Maybe you did more, but from this question, it sounds like you tried to have this person show up for you the way you show up for them one time, and they couldn't do that. I'm so sorry.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:16]:
You deserve better. You deserve better than that. You deserve somebody who's going to bring out the best in you, not somebody who you have to carry. And unfortunately for empathetic people, many times, empathetic people try to carry those that hold them back. And I think there's a different reason for many people. In my life, I view it a bit as a form of self punishment. A way that I punish myself or I hold myself back is that I believe that I need to carry others with me. Like, I can't shine or be myself fully because it makes others uncomfortable.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:52]:
But if I drag people with me or if I make them see the light, so to speak, then we can all shine together. In a perfect world, we all can shine together, by the way. But I give that example because the truth is that I'm not helping anybody when I try to carry anybody or drag anybody with me. I'm holding us both back. Because as I said, I can't change people. You can't change people. So anytime I get stuck in a loop of trying to change somebody, I'm wasting my time and I'm wasting that person's time. Because the best thing that you can do for somebody is to let them go when they no longer serve you, because that's an invitation for them to change.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:32]:
Maybe you leaving this person will change them, maybe it won't. That's not your responsibility. But by placating and by changing yourself and by lowering your standards and by numbing yourself and muting your amazing qualities in order to help somebody else isn't helping anybody. I believe that the best way to help somebody is to hold a high standard. And what's that high standard? It's your self worth. Know your worth, and the people who also know their worth will meet you there. And the people who don't know their worth yet, we don't have to judge those people, but we also don't have to lower our own worth for them. And to me, it sounds like from your question that you were carrying this relationship.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:18]:
The fact that you were together for eight months and you thought this person was your soulmate, you have one conversation and then you don't text them and they never reach out, You deserve so much better than that. I'm sorry. I'm getting heated because I want you to know you deserve better than that. I know. I can't change you, but I can try and offer you a new view. Because maybe there's a reason that you think you deserve this kind of treatment, and that's where I would begin this healing for you from this relationship. I do think it's wishful thinking, and I don't think this person's your soulmate. Throughout my life, I, time and time again, come to the only soulmate for me is me.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:58]:
I get to meet my soul and fall more in love with my soul every day. And the more I fall in love with my soul, the more I get to meet beautiful souls like you, and the more the people in my life show me how beautiful they are. But my soulmate is me. I'm my soulmate, and I believe that for everybody. I know that's an unpopular opinion. I know many people believe in soulmates. And I believe in love, and I believe in beautiful, long lasting relationships. My partner, Evan, is the greatest gift to my life.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:28]:
He is my family. He is my person. But is he my soulmate? No. He's the person I choose to spend my life with, but I don't think it was fate that holds us together. So for you, I would ask yourself questions. Does this relationship remind you of any past relationships? I know with that friendship I mentioned that I realized I was playing out a certain pattern that I had played out in middle school. There was a certain triangle of people from middle school that really mirrored the present situation today, and fascinating how that happens. And I'm grateful for the learning experience, but, really, I was playing out a middle school pattern.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:07]:
I'm 33 years old and was playing out a middle school pattern. That's what happens. That's the healing journey. That's what's humbling about it, is it's like, yes. That's true. And And there's nothing wrong with that, and I was able to see it, and I was able to let that go. I would also invite you to ask yourself why you think you need to carry the emotional burden of this relationship. What is your relationship like with your parents? What is your relationship like with your father? What is your relationship like with your mother? Really diving into when did you take on the belief that you needed to carry emotional burdens where you were responsible for the feelings of others? Because you are not responsible for anybody's feelings.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:43]:
I'm proud of you for having the mature conversation. I'm proud of you for speaking up about how you felt because you deserve to have your feelings heard in your relationship. If you are going to be in partnership with somebody, that is a commitment to seeing somebody emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. It's a commitment to connect on all those levels, and no one person can carry those things. You can't carry the emotional burden or the physical burden or the mental burden or even the spiritual burden. It is a meeting each other and connecting on all these different things from your own unique experiences. I also want to call out here that you said he changed overnight and that it sounds like you triggered him and his own safety mechanism. This person may like to be emotionally carried.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:29]:
This person may not like to take responsibility at all. And when you set a boundary, it sounds like, you know, you were like, this is what I need. This person wasn't able to meet you there. And, again, I'm so sorry because I believe you deserve better than how you were treated in this relationship. And so that's another thing I would invite you to reflect on. Do you feel worthy of a different kind of relationship? Do you feel worthy of a man who will emotionally meet you? Do you feel worthy of a man who will take responsibility for his emotions and also expect you to take responsibility for yours? Do you feel worthy of a man who can maturely speak about his emotions? Do you feel worthy of a man who is with his emotions? Because I have found being with a man's emotions is incredibly humbling. We live in a society that tries to tell men they shouldn't have feelings, and so being with a man and his feelings is different. I didn't grow up with men showing their feelings.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:27]:
I only grew up with men who showed anger. And so learning how to be with a man and all his emotions is a beautiful thing because every human is an emotional being. We all have the full spectrum of emotions, and we all deserve to have those emotions. If we're not connected to our feelings, we're not truly connected to ourselves. So I ask you if you feel worthy of being with a man with that full emotional spectrum. Does that feel exciting? Does that feel intimidating? Is that a turn off? Be honest with yourself. Because as you extract yourself from this relationship, I invite you to begin being intentional about what you want in your next relationship. Because you said it's like you're now seeing the writing on the wall.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:09]:
Like, as I mentioned before, it's like the rose colored glasses are coming off, and you're seeing this relationship clearly. And I invite you to really become aware of why you didn't see it clearly at first and the stories you began telling yourself that became those rose colored glasses. But I mentioned that because I invite you to be with you throughout this process. You mentioned being heartbroken and sad. I understand those feelings. I've been feeling heartbroken and sad over the friend breakup I've been going through. It is heartbreaking to lose a friend, especially somebody who you loved, even love still. Love is funny like that.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:41]:
Right? I don't know if we can really turn a switch on and off. I love you. No. I don't. Maybe I'll always love this person. It doesn't mean we're meant to be friends. I can have love in my heart for more people than are in my life. I have love for many people I no longer speak to.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:55]:
And so the last thing I wanna talk about is that you ask the question, is there something you're not seeing? I truthfully think you are seeing this relationship clearly. You mentioned the red flags. You mentioned seeing the writing on the wall. You mentioned how this person made you the bad guy for having a mature conversation. You mentioned how they boxed you out. You were honest about how they stopped texting you. I think you are seeing this clearly, but I think there's a voice coming in trying to deny the truth that you are seeing. And I think so many times, we as humans use denial as a way to not feel pain and to not see truth because truth can be painful.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:37]:
Truth is one of my values. I love truth. It doesn't mean I always like to hear the truth. I always want to hear the truth. Doesn't always mean I like to hear the truth. And I love truth because I think we can only see ourselves and the world clearly when we connect back to the truth, but we use denial and we create illusions and sometimes delusions because we are trying to deny something that will hurt us or change our view of the world. Maybe for you, you're having trouble letting go of this relationship because you put a bunch of expectations on it. And what would it mean if this relationship failed? Maybe that's a question to ask yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:15]:
What would it mean if this person was not your soulmate? What would it mean if those feelings you had about this person were not soulmate feelings, but were other types of feelings? Maybe bonding over trauma. I know that was true with my friend. Or were the soulmate feelings your inner child's view of what a relationship should be rather than the truth of relationships? I know that I've had to be with beliefs I learned from Disney movies about prince charming sweeping in and scooping me off my feet. My partner, Evan, is so often my knight in shining armor, but not in the traditional sense, Not in the way my inner child wished it was. So often, I have to ask him for things, and he will give me the world if I ask for it. But I have to communicate about it. It's not like in the movies where somebody just predicts my thoughts and makes the world revolve around me. The truth is Evan and I both have unique experiences, but we've created a beautiful world together, but we also have worlds outside of this relationship.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:16]:
And I share that because the Disney movies made me believe that there would be a man where I was his whole world. I was it. That's not true, but I'm okay with that because no man is ever gonna be my whole world. I love doing a lot of other things, but I share that because that word soulmate, see that thrown around a lot. I just ask you to ask yourself, what does the word soulmate mean? What does it mean if you don't have a soulmate, but there is a man out there for you? There's a man who will cherish and love you. But what if he's not your soulmate? What does that mean? Could that be possible? Or are you like, no, Amanda. My soulmate is out there. I don't know.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:53]:
I'm just offering a different perspective and parts of this question to reflect on because I've just noticed with other people who get caught in the soulmate realm and they think they found their soulmate, they can often ignore some red flags as well like you mentioned. They can ignore those red flags because they think this person is their soulmate, so they make excuses rather than seeing the truth of the situation. And what pressure to put on somebody that they're your soulmate? There's something there about that person has to be your everything. That person has to be there forever. No one has to do anything. That's the truth. We choose to show up for one another, but as you found with this relationship, you showed up for somebody who was not able to show up for you. That does not sound like a soulmate to me.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:34]:
That sounds like somebody who came into your life for a season. I say this quote a lot on this podcast. It's something my therapist is always reminding me, but people come into our lives for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. It sounds like this person came in for a season and a reason. And I invite you to feel your feelings, grieve this process, and allow yourself to see the reasons this person came into your life. It sounds like this person had many lessons to teach you. I think anytime we feel heartbreak, we can learn from that experience. We can learn and grow.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:02]:
It's part of the human experience to experience heartbreak. Though it is painful, and there's a reason many people don't put their hearts out there anymore is because they're afraid of that heartbreak. But each time we allow our hearts to break, I really believe our hearts can break open even bigger. And what I mean by that is when we break our heart, I view it as, like, the heart breaks. But instead of it closing back up, it's almost like it's filled in with new love, and so it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger. So I wanna thank you for asking this question. I am so grateful for us to have this conversation. I hope you found something in this helpful.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:35]:
And if you take anything from this episode, I invite you to be kind with yourself. Anytime heartbreak is involved, anytime our worldview changes, it's painful, and it's hard. And it sounds like your worldview is changing right now because you believed you had a soulmate, you believed you had a partner, and you believed this person was on the same page as you, and it sounds like none of that was true. And I hope that the more you accept that those things were not true, the more you are able to move forward and to let this relationship go. Because as I've mentioned throughout this episode, I truly believe there is somebody out there for you who will see you and will lift you up, not tear you down. They will hold you to a high standard, and you will hold them to a high standard, and you both will, I'm viewing it, like, rise together rather than somebody holding you back from being the beautiful soul you are. Because you are on your healing journey, and the healing journey moves forward. We're always moving forward.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:22]:
We're always changing. But the people who are not changing will try and hold us back. We don't deserve to be held back because life is short, and we only have a certain amount of time to be able to experience all the things we came here to experience. So you deserve to keep moving forward and to be with people who encourage you to run, not stop and cater to them. So thank you so much for this question. I'm sending you all my love. Thank you for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. As always, I'm so grateful to have these conversations each week.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:55]:
I hope something in this answer was helpful for you wherever you are at on your own healing journey. If you have a question you'd like to hear answered on the podcast, I invite you to write in at newviewadvice.com/question, or you can email me at contact@newviewadvice.com. Thank you you so much for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you've been going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.