111: Sexual Assault by a Family Member: Navigating Family Relationships After Trauma
In this episode, I answer a question from a listener who was sexually assaulted by their biological father and is looking for guidance on how to navigate this situation and get support from their family. Navigating relationships with family and friends after sexual assault often feels scary, uncomfortable, overwhelming, and uncertain. It becomes even more complicated when the perpetrator of the abuse is intertwined within the family. We discuss how to navigate hard conversations with family after sexual trauma, the importance of creating safety, and why sometimes we need to set boundaries.
This post contains affiliate links to some of my favorite tools and resources. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Full terms & conditions here.
Check out the Sexual Trauma Healing Hub 🩵
Check out the Healing from Sexual Trauma Hub for more resources for the healing journey
Recommended Episodes 🎙️
Episode 98: How to Support Survivors of Sexual Assault, Rape, & Sexual Trauma
Episode 78: Rebuilding Self-Worth After Sexual Assault & Rape
Statistics & More Information on Sexual Assault 🌹
Myths and Facts About Sexual Violence (University of Oregon)
Sexual Assaults Recorded by Law Enforcement, 2019 (Bureau of Justice Statistics)
Differences between Stranger and Known Assailant Sexual Assaults (Mass.gov)
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs - Info & Graphic (SimplyPsychology)
Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction: 0:15
Listener Question: 3:09
Outro: 31:50
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome to New View Advice. My name is Amanda Durocher. And if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:25]:
I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you for joining us for today's episode. In this episode, I am answering a question from a listener who was sexually assaulted by their biological father and is looking for help on how to navigate this situation and get support from their family. Navigating relationships with family and friends after sexual assault often feels scary, uncomfortable, uncertain. It can feel really overwhelming, and it becomes even more complicated when the perpetrator of the abuse is intertwined within the family. So in this episode, we're going to discuss how to navigate these hard conversations with family after sexual trauma, specifically when the perpetrator is within the family structure. We're also going to discuss the importance of creating safety and why sometimes we need to set boundaries with our family.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:10]:
My intention for this episode is to help you to kind to yourself and to learn to trust yourself in how to navigate this situation. Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all when it comes to sexual assault and the healing journey. So my hope with this episode is for you to feel less alone as you're navigating the situation. I talk in many episodes about how sexual trauma itself is really horrible, awful, leads to PTSD, all these things. But one of the hardest parts that many people don't discuss, especially people who haven't been through sexual assault, is the aftermath of sexual assault and the devastation it can bring to our lives and how hard it is to navigate and how there's no road map for healing and for navigating these challenging conversations. Because sexual assault, unfortunately, doesn't just impact the victim of the assault. Sexual assaults as well as other traumas to me feel like a pebble is dropped on still water, and there's this ripple effect, and it just continues to ripple out. And that is what happens with sexual assault.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:07]:
There are so many other people who are impacted as well. So today, we're gonna talk about how to navigate those relationships because this is not a burden you deserve to carry on your own. I don't believe any survivor can carry the burden of being sexually assaulted all by themselves. There needs to be outlets and support for you along your journey, so we're going to discuss more of that today. So I always like to mention at the front of the episode that if you haven't already, I invite you to check out my website after this episode for more free resources. I have a sexual trauma healing hub on my website, and I have more free resources to assist you on your healing journey from sexual assault, including journal prompts, meditations, book recommendations, and more. So if you haven't checked that out, I invite you to check that out after the episode, and you can find more information, including resources and a few websites for all links statistics that I'm gonna mention in this episode at newviewadvice.com/111. So with that, let's jump on in.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:09]:
Dear Amanda, as you may know, many if not most sexual assaults happen from people you know because they have access to you. I was sexually assaulted by my biological father post age 18 in the house I grew up in while I was studying. There were other harassing things before even in my adolescence and around my late teens. It's still a little different from child sexual abuse though because technically when the worst of it happened I was over 18. I told my oldest sister. She told me not to tell my mom who is still married to him. I wish she had helped me to tell some responsible adult, like an uncle or an aunt, who might have helped me navigate it. She thought it taboo and left me to navigate it all alone.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:49]:
My question is what are ways to navigate this situation? How do I get support from family members? It's not like a boss where I can switch jobs and never see this person again. This person is still in my life, still in the lives of the people in my life. Triggers are nonstop. It's mixed with fear of him and a confusing sense of obedience slash family obligation. The need to keep it hidden for the family's reputation is huge. I just wanted to see if you had any insights. Thank you. Thank you so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:18]:
I am so sorry that you were sexually assaulted and that you were sexually assaulted by a family member, by your biological father. I also wanna say that you are right and you're not alone with knowing the person who sexually assaulted statistics when outlining this episode, and I found that 80 to 85% of sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows. And personally, in both my cases, I also knew my perpetrators. When I was a child, I was sexually assaulted by a friend's father. And as a teenager, I went to school with the boys who raped me. And I think this is really important to mention here because there is a misconceived notion that most sexual assaults are committed by strangers. This is clearly not true if the status 80 to 85% are committed by someone the victim knows. And I think that it's important to say that up front here because this can contribute to shame for the survivor.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:06]:
I remember when I was a teenager, I never talked about what happened to me. And you can listen to my reflections episode number 2 to learn a bit more about why I never spoke about it. But I do remember I did disclose that I was raped to some people I met on a summer volunteer trip. And they were so sympathetic to hear I was raped until I told them that I knew the people who did it. I could see in their eyes that it was now different to them, that they didn't think it was as bad. It was somehow less than if it had happened to me by a stranger. And one of them even asked me if it was technically rape if I knew the person who did it. So I let out an audible sigh here because this led to so much shame for me.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:47]:
I didn't speak about it again. It took me years to speak about this again. I buried this. I didn't even look at it. Many survivors of sexual abuse, assault, rape understand that very often you cannot deal with it in the moment. You're honestly just trying to survive. You're trying to just do the motions to get through the day, and it's later on that you'll look at it again. And so I look back on my teen years, and there were some moments I did to reach out for help.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:13]:
And I was often rejected and abandoned, which we're gonna talk about throughout this episode because that can be a really scary thing about talking about this with people is the fear of being rejected and abandoned. And so I just wanted to assure you and anyone else that you are not alone if you knew the person who assaulted you. 80 to 85% of people knew their perpetrator. That does not make you weak. That does not make it not rape. Like, I had somebody ask me, that does not mean anything. It means absolutely nothing. And as you said, it's actually that these people have an easier access to you.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:42]:
So I just want to reassure you, you're not alone, and many people are assaulted by family members. I also did look up the statistics for family members. I found that in juvenile cases, 34% of assaults are by family members. I wasn't able to find one for adults. I will also say, yes, you were post age 18, but your situation does have a complex layer where it was your biological father. So you are still his child. So, actually, at any age it happens, it's a form of child abuse. Right? Because you are technically his child, and all of those family dynamics are going to be at play there.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:16]:
You likely trusted him. He likely was somebody who provided for you growing up. I don't know your situation, but it is a form of child abuse in my opinion even if you weren't technically a child. Be kind to yourself. You weren't supposed to, quote, unquote, know better. Don't think of yourself as an adult versus a child. Sounds like you were right on that verge. And so in your case, I just really wanted to reassure you that though you weren't technically a child by what a law definition, this is still likely for your healing journey very tied to feeling like a child.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:48]:
In that moment, you likely felt like a child. And now you're looking to navigate your family situation, and it's likely triggering some childhood wounds. So please be kind to yourself as you navigate this. This is a very hard situation you have experienced. I'm sending so much love out there to everybody navigating this situation because, as I mentioned, it's not easy. So please be kind to yourself. So now I wanna jump into the question. And when I read your question, to me, it sounded like you're at a point where you have to make a choice, but you're likely afraid to make a choice.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:18]:
And the truth is with most people who write in questions to my podcast, it's that they find themselves in a situation that they can no longer continue the way they are, but they don't know where to go from here. Right? And so that's how I'm interpreting your question is that you're at a point where you cannot continue navigating this situation the same way you have in the past. So for your question, I think you're at a point where you can't carry this all alone anymore. You can't carry the shame of this. It likely feels like you're keeping a secret from some of your family members, including your mother. As best selling author, Brene Brown teaches, shame lives in silence, secrecy, and judgment. And it sounds like you have been living with this by yourself for too long. And this is very common with sexual trauma.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:58]:
It feels like a burden, and it feels very shameful. And my guess is you have a lot of fear around telling your mother and other family members. It sounds like it didn't go well when you told your sister, and I'm really sorry that she was unable to support you through this because you are right. You deserved more help through this, and you deserved to find somebody who could have helped you navigate it in a different way rather than carrying it all by yourself. You know, I don't think we can navigate these types of traumatic experiences alone. I sure haven't been able to. When I tried navigating it by myself, I drank a lot. I drink a lot.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:32]:
I'm sober now. That was how I was able to cope with it by myself, but I wasn't coping in a healthy way. And I was coping in really unhealthy ways, and I was putting myself in dangerous situations until I finally was able to begin looking at all the trauma I had experienced in my life. And the more I navigate it, the more I needed support throughout the way. You know? So I think you're at a point where you can't continue to do this by yourself, and you shouldn't have to do this all by yourself. Personally, I have not had much emotional support from my family. I was fortunate to have a family who was able to financially support me through this. And for a long time, I felt like that was enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:07]:
But the truth is, it really wasn't. I was raped, and my family's inability to discuss it and to be there for me created a lot of shame for me throughout my journey. It felt like this heavy, heavy burden I was personally responsible for. And I tried to tell myself it wasn't my fault what happened, but when my family couldn't support me, it felt like it was my fault in a way. I felt responsible for all their hard feelings about it. I felt responsible to make it look like I was okay, like nothing was wrong so I wouldn't upset anybody. But the truth is I was not responsible for their feelings, and you are not responsible for how your family reacts to this. And you experienced a trauma that I wish you hadn't, and you need to be supported at this time.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:48]:
Trauma impacts us on every level. The more I heal, the more I clearly see how I was impacted for so long, and I needed a lot of support. I believe sexual trauma actually impacts us on every level. It impacts us psychologically, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. That's a lot. That's a heavy burden to carry. Of course, you need help throughout this. And for you, I see 2 options for you.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:11]:
1, you open up to your family. You begin having some hard conversations, and then you take it from there. Or 2, you set boundaries with your family and you begin to disengage. And let's talk a bit more about each of these. So the first option I see for you and the option I wanna discuss is opening up to your family. I think many survivors struggle with opening up to their families, both those assaulted by family members and those not assaulted by family members. I know I struggled to open up to my family. And unfortunately, there are still many judgments and there is still blaming the victim and misunderstandings around sexual assault.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:47]:
So it feels very challenging to open up. Right? It can feel very overwhelming. It can feel very, very scary. And for you, being assaulted by a family member adds another layer of complexity. As you mentioned, this person is intertwined in other relationships in your life. My guess is you do wanna talk to your mother about this, but you're scared. You're likely afraid she'll be upset. You're afraid she'll respond like your sister did.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:08]:
You're afraid because you don't know how she will react. And I do get it. It's an extremely hard situation that most people don't have to navigate. That's the truth with a lot of these things I've been coming to recently with healing from sexual violence is so many of these situations that we find ourselves in, most people will never have to navigate. And so, again, be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself throughout this. You are in uncharted territory. And I think if you're looking to continue a relationship with your mother, you do need to tell her, and I know that's terrifying.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:37]:
And the truth is if you tell your mom and she responds how you want, you will likely feel so much better. And if she responds poorly, that will be incredibly challenging, but you will also know the truth of the situation, and you will be able to make new decisions and move forward from there. Because it sounds to me like it's becoming too hard for you to be around your biological father. You mentioned your trigger nonstop, and you're afraid of him. You're likely feeling shame, and you're feeling silenced. And the truth is your body doesn't feel safe around him, and you likely can't begin to heal in a new way until there is distance between you and your father. I find this to be true over and over again that the body and mind will be in stress response until safety is created. And so when you are healing any parental wounds, we often need space to see the situation clearly.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:25]:
It's why we can't usually look at childhood trauma until we leave the home. It's because our inner world often needs a safe distance between us and our parents to begin looking at the situation clearly. And your father committed violence against you. Sexual assault is violence. It is sexual violence. And it a 100% makes sense that you don't feel safe around him, and that anytime he's brought up, it would feel really triggering. And so with this, there's this complex layer you mentioned of feeling this sense of obedience, and you feel like you need to keep it hidden. But this is what shame does.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:57]:
As I mentioned, shame lives in silence, secrecy, and judgment. And the shame will tell you not to say anything. But freedom comes when you use your voice. It's a way you get to take your power back. The silence and secrecy truly leaves you feeling trapped. And again, this conversation will not be easy for you to have because that shame is keeping you trapped. I view shame like a heavy blanket, and you are under this heavy blanket until you begin to free yourself of this shame by bringing this horrible thing that happened and bringing it into the light. And And so as I mentioned, this conversation will not be easy, but here are a few truths I want you to remember.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:34]:
1, what happened to you is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Your biological father sexually assaulted you. This is in no way your fault. You did not lead him on. You did not say the wrong thing. You did not ask for this. You did not mistake his actions.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:53]:
You could not have responded differently. That's another one we always tell ourselves. I should have done x, y, and z. I should have fought. I should have ran. I should have said that. No. You experienced a trauma, and it is not your fault.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:04]:
The second truth I want you to remember is that you are not responsible for the feelings and actions of others. Again, you are not responsible for what happened. It is not your fault. And you are not responsible for how your family feels about it. I used to feel responsible for how my family felt. I would change myself so they would feel better or not get upset with me. This was a coping strategy from childhood. Many people pleasers.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:26]:
I am one. I am a self recovering people pleaser. We learn to change ourselves in order to not upset people. We become people pleasers. We want to please people. But this is unhealthy and unsustainable and leads to a lot of resentment. And you may be someone who has tended to lean towards people pleasing behaviors. So maybe you don't like rocking the boat and telling this secret, telling this experience that happened might feel like rocking the boat.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:51]:
But it's important that you take up space, and you deserve to be seen and supported throughout this. The third truth I want you to remember is that you deserve support, compassion, love, and empathy. Empathy is the antidote to shame. That is another Brene Brown teaching. And she talks about how shame lives in this secrecy, and it's empathy that frees us of the shame. It's when somebody goes, oh my god, me too. Or, oh my gosh, I understand. I understand exactly what you're saying.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:17]:
That empathy frees us. And so remember that you are telling your family because you deserve to be supported through this. You are not telling them to hurt them. We often focus on the fear of hurting people, like, oh, what if they won't like my truth? What if they don't like this? But remember, you're not telling them to hurt them. You're telling them because you deserve to be supported. It's because you need love and support, and you deserve that love and support at this time. The 4th truth I want you to remember is that if they don't like your truth, remember that neither do you. I share this one because this is one I honestly tell myself all the time, especially when doing this podcast and sharing personal stories, is that people may not like my truth.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:57]:
But guess what? I actually don't like these things that have happened either. It's not about liking it. It's about healing. It's about loving ourselves. It's about doing the hard things so we can move forward rather than be stuck in a trauma loop. This is going to be a really hard conversation if you choose to have it. So please be kind to yourself, and remember that you have been through hard things. I don't know the extent of your story, but I do know you have survived hard things and that you are resilient.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:24]:
I invite you to practice self care, be gentle with yourself, maybe have a safe person who you trust come with you. If you have a friend who supports you or a loving partner, maybe ask them to be there with you while you have this conversation. And remember that it's not your fault and that you are sharing because the secrecy of this is becoming unbearable. It is becoming like a burden. And with all this, I want to talk a bit about how everything I might have just said might make sense to you, but you might still be like, but I'm terrified. And that is likely because a core trigger here is likely the fear of abandonment and or rejection. A reason this conversation is so hard is because we fear being rejected. So this would be your mom rejecting your truth, saying she doesn't believe you, or being abandoned, your mother choosing your father over you.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:10]:
Or I have had many times in my life where I experienced rejection and then abandonment, and that's a double whammy. And that could be your mom not believing you and then choosing your father. It will feel like rejection and abandonment. And those two things right there, the fear of rejection and the fear of abandonment are deep rooted human fears that every human has. No human wants to feel rejected or abandonment, especially by their family unit, which for many of us is where we feel a sense of community and belonging, and where we have created beliefs that will always belong there. We always belong with family even if that's not necessarily true. And for you, with this relationship with your mother, as the child in the relationship, you wanna believe that your mother will always be there for you no matter what. You wanna believe she unconditionally loves you, which would mean that nothing could take away that love from you.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:00]:
That this experience would not change your relationship, and that she would never abandon or reject you. So of course it's terrifying because you're likely unsure of how she's going to react because it's you and it's your biological father. It's her husband. So, of course, this conversation is terrifying because you can't control how she's going to react, and you can't control the actions that are going to follow after this conversation. So my guess is that that is partially why this is so terrifying for you. And I wanna assure you you're not alone. As I mentioned, the fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection are deep rooted human fears. Of course, this is scary.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:34]:
Okay? So please be kind to yourself. And so this leads me to option 2. If you decide you're not going to have this conversation for whatever reason or you have this conversation and it doesn't go the way you deserve and it goes a different way that your mother doesn't side with you, which I really hope that's not the case. But if that is the case, the next option or if you feel in your gut your family cannot hear this and will not respond in a mature way, which some of us have those type of families, then I think you need to practice boundaries and maybe disengage from your family altogether. And that doesn't mean you have to disengage forever, but you may need to take some time away. You know, family units are so fascinating to me. I could do episode on episodes on family dynamics. But today, we're just gonna focus on the reputation part you mentioned.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:19]:
So for many people, we're taught at a young age to protect the family unit, and the family unit is who protects us and loves us, even if this wasn't necessarily true. The truth is people make the difficult decision to separate from their families every day, and I don't think it's ever an easy choice. I think it's often very difficult. It doesn't matter if you had a parent who beat you, who sexually assaulted you, who abused you. At some point in time, you were a child who wanted love from that parent. That's just the truth of reality. When we were born into this world, we seek love from our parents. Our parents are there to provide everything from us when we are a baby.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:55]:
We are helpless in this world, and our parents are like gods to our little baby child self. So we put so much on them, but we are looking for them for unconditional love. And unfortunately, that is not always the case in many households. If you're listening to this podcast, I think you know that to be true, that life is more complicated than just being born into perfect households. I also think it's complicated because I think society is judgmental of people who separate from their families. You know, you always hear things like, why doesn't that person speak to their family? Or family comes first. Family is the most important thing. I even heard somebody say recently, you can always trust family.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:32]:
Like, it's a universal truth and truth for everyone. When in reality, not everyone has a loving family. Not everyone has a safe family. Not everyone has a trustworthy family. Many people have abusive families. Many people have emotionally, physically, psychologically, and sexually abusive family members. A lot of people have very emotionally immature family members. So when one person's abusive, nobody talks about the abuse, and that creates a lot of complexity as well.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:58]:
But what I have found from healing from rape is that one of the most important things to do is to rebuild the safety within yourself, and this starts with creating physical safety. Prioritizing your own well-being, allowing yourself the space to heal requires you to take care of yourself, and safety is the bedrock. I think of Maslov's hierarchy of needs when it comes to safety, and it's a triangle. I'll link a link to it on my website. But if you haven't heard of it, it's a triangle of our needs and, you know, it builds up. And the foundation is physical needs. The hunger, thirst, physical pain, we can't bleed out, we'll die. But the next level is safety.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:35]:
Before we can have social skills and we can have good self esteem and then self actualization, which is top of the pyramid, we have to feel safe. Safety is so important, and what you experience is a very unsafe situation. As you mentioned, the triggers are nonstop. I relate to that. I don't wanna hear anything about the people who sexually assaulted me. It will send me into a trauma response if I am unprepared to hear about one of them. In my reflections number 1 episode, I actually share a story about being on Instagram and getting triggered by finding out one of the people who raped me got engaged, and I went into this huge trauma response. I got so angry.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:12]:
And I share that because you're in a situation where you're likely, as you mentioned, being triggered all the time because you're unable to avoid even hearing about this person. And so that is going to keep you in the stress response because your body is constantly on lookout for the threat. That's what happens when we experience violence. We're looking for threat. And at this point, it sounds like this has become too much of a burden. It's become too hard to be around these triggers all the time. You're going to need to begin to create that safety within yourself, which will likely require you setting boundaries with your family. Even if you do have the tough conversation, you'll still probably need to articulate that you can't even hear about your biological father at this time.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:49]:
But with this, as you mentioned, with this obedience and this reputation thing, I think you are likely feeling guilt would be my guess. I know when I was healing from family structures and disengaging from family patterns, guilt kept arising for me. And I find that many of us feel really guilty about judging our family and holding them accountable for their actions. We've been taught to put family first from a young age, or our family taught us to ignore our feelings or to prioritize the family unit over ourselves. And in theory, it's great to learn to care for others and to learn as a child to care about your family. But our own basic needs, such as safety, need to be cared for too. And when we learn to put the family first in abusive households where we are not safe, this creates a lot of confusing beliefs, and we learn to feel guilty for our own basic needs. And with all this said, it can be really hard to see our families clearly because of all these child beliefs, and we treat our parents different than we treat other adults.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:45]:
And that's why at the beginning of this episode, I mentioned that though you were post age 18, there was likely a child self that was reacting in the moment. Because as we become adults, we have to learn to create a new relationship with our parents, but that doesn't happen overnight. And some parents are really, really resistant to allowing kids to grow up and be adults and to change. So I mentioned that here because part of healing from sexual assault and rape requires inner child work and treating yourself like the parent you deserved and you continue to deserve. I spent the summer reparenting myself after I became really honest with myself that I needed more from my family than they were able to give me. You know, I really don't discuss my trauma much with my family at this point. I had tried with some people in the past, and they tended to make it about themselves, their own feelings, their own experience with what I went through. And that was incredibly challenging.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:42]:
And I mentioned that here because as you begin to disclose to your family, if you choose that, you may find that they begin telling you about how it makes them feel, and that might pile on shame for you. I know it did for me. And so what I learned throughout my journey is it's very important to set those boundaries and to articulate that you understand that they have hard feelings about this, but you are not the person to process it with. And some people are able to hear that in my life. Some people weren't. The people who weren't, I don't talk about my trauma with them anymore. And that was really hard for me too because it's such a big part of my life. It's what I do for work.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:14]:
I talk about what I've been through with the hope that the wisdom I've gained and the experience I've been through and, honestly, a lot of the mistakes I've made along the way can help somebody feel less alone and to navigate their own situation. So as I mentioned, I spent the summer reparenting myself, and that required taking space for my family. I live in a different state than my family, so it's easy to take the space, but I wasn't really able to talk to them throughout this process. And what I realized is that they needed me to pretend I was okay. And the truth is I may never be okay. I don't know. I've healed so much, but I've experienced things most people haven't. That really changes a person.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:48]:
I think I'm a better person in a lot of ways. My heart is bigger. I'm kinder. I'm more empathetic. But sometimes I still have trauma brain. My brain doesn't always work like everyone else's. And this is something I talked about recently with a friend who's a fellow survivor. We both are like, yeah.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:03]:
Trauma brain is real. Your brain just works differently. But I still get triggered. You know, there's days I still cry because something triggered me. It still happens. And I just find the less I judge and the more I accept it, the easier it becomes. But I'm able to do all this because I have a really great support system at this time. And I have people who love me no matter where I'm at on my journey, who understand I'm not always gonna be okay, and they don't judge me for that.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:31]:
I share this because you deserved better than how your family has treated you. Your father never should have touched you. You were violated in a way that is horrific, painful, and traumatic. And then your sister wasn't able to support you through it, and it caused you not to reach out for more help, which is very common. Anytime I am vulnerable about my trauma and seeking help and I am rejected or abandoned or denied, I then personally curl in on myself, and it takes me a really long time to come out and ask for help again. I think this is very common. For me, it causes a self shame and a self blame cycle, and I think this is very common. And I think having family members who cannot be there for us throughout sexual assault is also very common.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:08]:
I think it requires an emotional maturity that, unfortunately, a lot of people do not possess. Each of us has to go on that individual journey with our own families. And as I mentioned earlier, this is one of those aftermath things people don't talk about is that oftentimes, sexual assault impacts our relationships with our families. You know, I've mentioned this before, but I watched a lot of documentaries about sexual assault this summer, and I was struck by the family members who were able to get on camera and talk about their experience. And you could tell how much it impacted these family members that their child or their sister or their brother had been sexually assaulted. And I was struck by that because my family would never do that. I don't have a family that has been able to emotionally support me through this. But for those people on screen who do have families like that, it obviously impacted their family and changed their relationship with their loved ones as well.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:56]:
So this is one of those processes that you're moving through that I think all sexual assault survivors have to navigate at some point is the conversations with families and choosing to set boundaries with your family if necessary because you, as I mentioned, deserve to feel supported. You deserve not to feel shame about this. It is not your fault. You do not deserve to be blamed. And so for some people out there, you're gonna gonna open up to your families, and they're gonna respond in a beautiful way, and your relationship is likely gonna grow. For others out there, you're gonna open up to your families, and it might be a really, really painful experience. But you're going to see that they're not able to be there for you. And I'm gonna reassure you that it means absolutely nothing about you, and it means more about them and their maturity level.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:39]:
And then you're gonna be able to move forward and find new people who are able to support you. And there are people out there who will support you. I promise. So with that, if you do decide to separate from your family, even for an indefinite amount of time, as I mentioned, it doesn't have to be forever. Sometimes you just need to gain your own footing, find yourself on stable ground, feel confident in yourself, and then you can make new decisions from there. I quickly wanna reassure you that when we set boundaries, they are not set it and forget it. They are not set it forever. We set boundaries for where we're at in the moment.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:09]:
Your boundary can always wiggle. Okay? It doesn't have to be a forever thing. So just allow yourself that. If you need a month to yourself, you need a week to yourself, you need a year to yourself, give yourself what you need and know that you can reevaluate and change later. So if you do decide to separate from your family, even for an indefinite amount of time, I want you to remember, 1, you know what's best for you. I know you do. It can be hard to suss through the mind noise, but you do know what's best for you, and you deserve to feel safe, loved, and supported. 2, it is okay to take time for yourself and to disengage from your family.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:42]:
Oftentimes, reparenting ourselves requires space from our family for us to see the situations clearly, for us to see our experience in the family structure. Number 3, your family's behavior means nothing about you. We take things so personally. We take other people's actions personally. But the truth is time and time again that somebody else's behavior, somebody else's actions, somebody else's reactions mean nothing about you, and they say everything about where they are at at that time. Okay? You're a beautiful soul. You will find your people, and maybe your people are your family, and maybe your family will surprise you throughout this process. Number 4, if you do decide to disengage, please reach out to others.
Amanda Durocher [00:31:19]:
Please reach out to friends. Please reach out to professionals for help. I I don't believe anyone can heal from sexual assault and rape all by themselves. So I invite you to continue to reach out for support throughout this process. But I just wanna wrap this episode up with no matter what you choose, it's not an easy choice, and healing from sexual assault is not easy. It's hard. I wish no one had to go on this challenging journey. But through it, I found you remember your strength, your resilience, and you see the world with clear eyes rather than rose colored glasses.
Amanda Durocher [00:31:49]:
And in a world where I see a lot of people denying a lot of truth, it's humbling, and I truly believe it's a gift to see the world clearly. You will continue to learn to love yourself. And as you heal, you become a beacon of light and hope for others because you, my love, are not alone. You're a survivor, and there are so many of us that are truly on this journey together. I hope something in this answer was helpful. I'm sending you so much love. Thank you so much for joining me for this episode of Nuvia advice and for this important conversation. This is a situation that so many of us have to learn to navigate.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:27]:
So I think it's important conversation for us to have. So thank you for being here. If you haven't already, I invite you to check out my Friday series called reflections, and these are stories from my own healing journey. I view this as my life's work. They are stories that have taken me a long time to see clearly and where I used to feel a lot of shame, and I don't feel shame anymore. And I wanna share them in case anybody can relate to these situations and maybe has found themselves feeling shame or self judgment. If you give it a listen, definitely let me know. And thank you again for joining me for another episode of New View Advice.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:55]:
As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Send you all my love. See you next time.
