43: Family Dynamics & The Holidays: How to Set Boundaries & Prioritize Yourself (Part 2)

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Nov 19

Written By Amanda Durocher

The holidays are filled with joy, but also can bring up triggers and family dynamics that want to be healed. In this episode, I discuss family dynamics and the different roles we can play in our family structures. I also answer a question about how to set boundaries around the holidays and how to prioritize yourself when you feel stressed this holiday season.

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Movie Recommendation: Encanto

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro
6:40 What are family dynamics?
15:25 Listener Question 1
31:57 Listener Question 2

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hi, beautiful souls. My name is Amanda. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer advice on the healing journey, and how to connect back to your own heart. I believe that you have all the answers you seek, you just may need a new view along the way. I believe that you have all you need inside you. And it is my intention to help guide you back to your own heart. Thank you for tuning into today's episode. Today we are doing an episode about family dynamics and the holidays. I actually did an episode on this last year as well if you want to tune in and listen to that one first. But either way, we're going to dive into how to heal from family dynamics and how to use the holiday time as a way to embrace self love healing and how to navigate those family dynamics and patterns that we have been playing out for a very long time. For many of us family is loving and can be some of the closest people in our life or the most triggering people in our life. And either way, our family is there to oftentimes offer us a chance for growth. And there's nothing like the holiday season to show us where we still are looking to grow, heal and be with our own hearts. There is something about family that can trigger us to a great extent. There's also something about family where we allow family to treat us differently than we allow other people to treat us. So it can be harder for us to set boundaries with family. And today we will be talking about how to set boundaries with family. And that is one of the questions and also a question about how to handle the stress of the holiday season and navigating all these different family relationships. I am really passionate about talking about this. If you listened to the episode last week about family and relationships, you'll know a bit about what we're going to talk about today. But I believe that relationships are one of our biggest distractions here. I talked about this a bit last week as well. And I believe that we use relationships it could be romantic partnerships, family, friends, coworkers, but we use drama in relationships and the way people trigger us and infuriate us and make us feel certain ways. It is one of the biggest distractions from ourselves. It is so easy to point the finger and to blame others for the way we feel inside. But here on this podcast, we talk about radical responsibility, which is you taking full responsibility for every aspect of your life. And why don't we talk about that because that's what our hearts are asking us to do and what I have found personally to be the most healing thing for me, but also to bring me the most peace and freedom. When you choose to stop blaming others for your problems, or blaming others for how their actions affects you and you start going with and you learn that everything you need truly is inside of you. You learn that there is nothing outside of you. That is a really tough pill to swallow in a world that is so external in a world that seeks external validation and a world of people always pointing the finger where is what you need. It is within you it is within your heart. Your heart has the answer to all your next steps. You just have to start listening. And one of the places it can be hardest to listen to ourselves is with family. We can think it's so easy to fall back into those family patterns. Families create a lot of codependency a lot of our codependency as a culture as a community. The codependency we play out in our romantic relationships started in childhood. So many of us became codependent and what I mean by codependent is changing ourselves in relationships so becoming dependent on others changing ourselves to fit other people's needs. I talked about codependency at the beginning of I think the relationship communication episode. Yes, so that'd be episode 35. I talk about codependency more but we play out these codependent patterns and many of them started in childhood. Many of the patterns we play out in our relationships also start in our family structures, or codependency started in family and many of the patterns we plan on relationships started in our family structures. And I talked about that a lot in the episodes about romantic relationships is that many of the patterns we play out started in family and started with how our parents treated us how our siblings treated us how we were raised as children how we experience the world as children. So that is why families can still be so triggering for us. And if you be so hard for us to change these family patterns, because oftentimes it takes that one person, which is often us the ones healing to change the pattern because no one else is going to change it. Because we're just playing out a pattern. And if people are unconscious, and many people are from families where everyone's unconscious, or some people are unconscious, you may be able to talk about healing and your growth and how you're changing with some people and not others. So it's going to take you changing the family dynamic in the patterns, setting those boundaries, sitting with your own heart noticing where you're getting triggered, and it's going to take you choosing to instead of react, respond differently. So we're gonna dive into family dynamics. Today. As I mentioned, I love this topic. I think that relationships are one of our greatest teachers. And I say that all the time in the romantic relationship episodes, but families woof failed with the goal of healing, filled with the piece you're looking for. Every single one of your triggers, has gold on the other end of it. And families are a mirror for us, they just show us where we still need to grow. There's like an expression, I don't know who said it, I apologize. That's like, if you think you're healed, go spend some time with your family, family will always show you where you still need to grow. And it'll also show you your growth, you'll see the same patterns played out and how you no longer react, or how you're able to respond differently, or how you don't feel triggered anymore, you'll be able to see your own growth. So family is a beautiful opportunity for healing. So I just wanted to take a few minutes to talk about some of these patterns that are very common that play out in family structures. And then we're gonna jump into two questions. So let's get started.
Amanda Durocher (Teaching) 6:46
So before we jump into today's questions, I just wanted to spend a little time talking about family dynamics. So what do I mean by family dynamics patterns and how to navigate them. What I mean by family dynamics is that many of us fall into a role in our family structure. So if you think of your own family, you can probably think of the different roles that were played out. For example, in my family structure, I am the youngest, I have an older brother, and I have two parents who are still together. And I can see the different patterns we played out within our family structure. So for me, I was considered the difficult one. And I can see where these difficult patterns originated from. But I was always considered difficult. So how the three members of my immediate family responded to me, were often from a lens of she's so difficult, and then I internalized being difficult. My brother, on the other hand, was always the responsible one. So I can see how being the responsible one has played out in his life, and how my parents have their own dynamics that have played out. And so by looking at these family dynamics, we can begin to bring subconscious patterning to the light. So for example, in my own life, being the difficult child, how that played out in so many different areas of my life, and how when I would go back into my family structure, how often times before I began healing, I would fall back into patterns, where people would call me difficult. And I would take that on, and that would continue playing out many times when we leave the family structure. So maybe it's leaving our hometown for the first time, maybe it's moving to a new state, maybe it's going to college, whatever that may be, it can be the first time we go back to family, which can be around the holidays, that we begin to see these patterns we were playing out we can become aware of like, Why do I only act like that at home? Or what is my mother elicit that reaction out of me but no one else does. These are those opportunities that we can become aware of patterns we're playing out. But in order to heal, we want to become aware and then go deeper with it. Because so many people I think can be aware that Oh, when my mom's around, I can fall into old patterns. But we want to transmute those patterns, we want to move past those patterns. And what the holidays do for us is oftentimes, though they're a happy time, and that we can love getting together with our family, we can fall into these patterns. And then we can end up being self critical of ourselves for falling into old patterns. But there's nothing to be critical of it's really bringing that air of curiosity, that awareness to the patterns, because it's so human to fall back into these patterns because everybody can begin playing their part. So as I mentioned, in my family structure, I was difficult. My brother was responsible. My mom was the caretaker, my father was the one who provided, right, so everybody can fall into these roles. And we can't change these patterns until we become aware of these patterns. And oftentimes everybody will continue to play their role, but it takes one person changing for the pattern to change. And it's often going to be the one who's healing so it's going to be you. And it can be incredibly difficult because other people may not want to change. But as we'll talk about in the boundaries question and by beginning to set these boundaries, people may still act in those patterns with other people, but they will change with you. Because when you stop tolerating certain behavior or when you start setting your boundaries, or when you stop showing up in a certain way, people have to change. So again, they may not change entirely, but they may change with you, for example, if you have a gossipy family, and they gossip about other family members, and you say, I no longer gossip, please don't talk about other people with me, I'm not interested, may throw somebody off. And you may need to set that boundary a few times. But that will change and they will no longer gossip with you, it does not mean your family is going to stop gossiping, but they will stop gossiping with you, which allowed you to change the pattern. And that's all that really matters for you. It's not your responsibility to change others. That's oftentimes what can happen to in family dynamics where like, If only my father did this, or only my mother did this, or if my brother would just do this, or my sister would just do that. No, you can't change others, it's the truth, we can only change ourselves. But if you change yourself within these family dynamics within these family patterns within these family roles you have taken on these relationships will begin to change. And then you will be able to be a new person within the family structure. Also, what I do want to add to this is if people in your family really can't respect your boundaries, if they really become abusive, or they have always been abusive, it's also okay to cut off family members. I am a believer that families are one of our biggest opportunities for growth. But not everybody is meant to stay in your life forever. If you have abusive family members, you know what is best for you. And the pattern you may need to set is not seeing your family for a little bit. That is going to be a decision that you and your heart make. It is not an easy decision to cut family members out. But I do want to honor anybody who has had to make that decision for their own heart or who will be making that decision this holiday season. I believe that you know what's best for you. I believe that your own heart is always guiding you. And I believe that many family members within this society within this culture within this world are abusive towards their family. And you do not need to tolerate abusive behavior. Now, many people are unconscious, and many people can change, especially if we change we give other people the opportunity to change. But if you have somebody who abuses you physically, emotionally, sexually, I just want you to know I honor whatever decision you make about your relationship with your family. Because I know it is never easy to cut out family members. I know how much abuse you must experience before you choose to cut out family members. And I just want to honor that experience here in this space as well. This is safe space for everybody. In every experience, there is no judgement here. Today, we will be talking about working through these family dynamics. But I just wanted to take a moment to honor that not everybody has that choice. And that is not the best choice for everyone. So I just wanted to take a minute with that here in this space. So that's a bit about family dynamics. A few common dynamics are being the responsible one being the rebellious one being the difficult one, being the overachiever being the High Achiever being the perfect one. If you've seen the movie in Kanto on Disney, it goes into family structures, I believe in family dynamics, each child had a role they played in the family structure and how those patterns in those roles and those expectations they took on were extremely difficult for them to hold. So then the whole family structure had to change. If you watch that movie, it really can show you family dynamics in a very Disney way. But yeah, there's just so many different dynamics you can take on the peacemaker is very common one, that one can lead to a lot of codependency because you're the one who was always taught to make the piece you're always changing yourself within the family structure to be the easygoing one, the athletic one, the masculine one, they're really feminine one, the emotional one. Oh, that is a huge common role. And families I know I was that one in my family. And I've talked to a lot of women who have played out that one as well being the emotional one and how everybody looked down on being the emotional one within the family structure, a lot of us empaths can be punished and ridiculed and even abused for being the emotional one. Oh, being the baby is another role. And that one can can be continued to play out which can be really unhealthy the role of being the baby within the family structure, even into adulthood. So there's so many different roles, it's going to be up to you to look at your own family structure. Maybe this is a journaling exercise where you can kind of write down everybody's name and your family and write down the role. You see them playing judgment free here. It's really just beginning to see the roles that were within your family structure. Because these are often tied to our core wounds, bring awareness there's no judgment here of being the baby or being the rebellious one or being the difficult one or being the overly responsible when there's no judgement here. It's all about becoming aware. You can't change anything if you're not aware of it. And what you'll notice when you start to dive into your family structure is that really people do have roles and And many times everybody reacts the same to everybody within the family structure, no matter how old everybody yet and part of the healing journey is to become conscious of this. And then you can change your role within the family structure by changing how you show up, looking at your triggers and setting those boundaries you need to set within your family structure. But I hope that this was a helpful intro into family dynamics and family roles.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 15:29
How do I begin setting boundaries with my family and not saying yes to all my parents expectations? Thank you for this question. This is a question I received on Instagram. So it's a shorter question without a lot of backstory. But I think that this is a great question. And I absolutely love it. And I think is a great question for us to talk today, especially around the holiday season. Because I think that setting boundaries with our families around the holidays can be really difficult for a lot of us. And I also love that this question talks about expectations, because this is something I was moving through this year as well. I talked about it in my 10 lessons I learned in my 30th year episode. But living up to our family's expectations or living with our families expectations is a real thing. And learning to let these go can be difficult. But it's also important for our healing journey. So I just want to say thank you for this question. And I think so many people can relate to this question. Okay, so my first piece of advice for you is to talk about the importance of prioritizing yourself. Because I think that with both parts of this question, how do you begin setting boundaries? And how do you not say yes to all your parents expectations, fall under not prioritizing yourself, you are most likely prioritizing your parents first, or you're most likely trying to make them happy. And so you need to start prioritizing your own happiness. Many of us prioritize other's happiness outside of us. This is a pattern that starts in childhood. This is also linked to codependency. But we prioritize the happiness of others as a way to remain safe. It is a coping strategy, it is a defense mechanism. And we develop the pattern of prioritizing others wants needs and their expectations above our own as a way to feel safe. So say we grew up in a household where there was a lot of yelling, we may start to prioritize other's needs to try to mitigate this yelling, say we grew up in a household with divorced parents, we may try to become smaller and easygoing and peaceful within the family structure because there is so much chaos within the family structure. Divorce is another topic that I plan to discuss in December. So if you have any questions about being a child of divorce, or going through a divorce, please send those in. Because this is an episode I will be discussing soon as well. But right now, I just want to mention that if you're from a divorced household, this can create a lot of unsafety within the home and a lot of patterns can be created. And people with divorced parents can feel torn between both their parents. And that can be really tough around the holiday season. We want to find ways to prioritize you because you deserve to be happy around the holiday season as well. You deserve to set the boundaries, you deserve to have your own needs met many of these needs that you need to meet for yourself now are likely needs that you did not have met as a child, that can be really hard and family structures to start creating that for yourself. Because many of us can still be looking for our parents to fill this void that they are not going to fill or to fill this role that they're not going to fill some of us, me included can have parents who do change my relationship with both my parents has very much evolved since my childhood, it can often be hard for me to actually remember what my childhood was like, because my relationship with my parents is very different. I'm very grateful for that. But it doesn't change what I experienced in my childhood and how that affected me. I've still needed to heal that even though my parents have changed, it hasn't changed the wounds that were created there. And many of us who have trouble setting boundaries and have trouble saying no to our parents and their expectations. It's from childhood wounding. So I invite you to be really kind with yourself throughout this process. And I invite you to work on this this holiday season because you deserve to prioritize yourself. Prioritizing yourself is so important for you. And as we become adults, it's so important for us to start prioritizing ourselves in our old family structures and our new family structures in work in friendships, it's so important for you to start prioritizing you. My guess is that you don't really prioritize yourself. My guess is that you often put other people's needs first as I mentioned. So a way to start setting boundaries is to become really clear about these boundaries ahead of time and communicating them ahead of time and holding yourself to them. So say one of your boundaries is that you always feel like Thanksgiving feels too long, I invite you this year to set a boundary with it. How many hours feels good to you to be there? Does a full day actually feel good to you? Or do you need to spend half the day with yourself and half the day with your family, it's okay, if you can't spend 12 hours with your family. That is okay. Many of us travel for the holidays. So we feel forced to spend the whole day with our families, or we go back home and we live in our parents houses for the holidays. So it creates these patterns we're not used to a lot of us are used to a lot more alone time and a lot more space. And we can be thrown right back into these family roles in the family dynamics when we spend the night with our family when we're in the same household. So if that's the case for you, that I invite you to create those boundaries. If it's a time boundary with creating spaces in the day for just yourself, spending that time in the morning, in your room by yourself going out to breakfast, going on walks by yourself, prioritizing yourself, if you're somebody who exercises, getting that exercise instill, it can be so hard to not do our normal routine when holiday time comes. But I invite you to continue to do that self care. And if you aren't really into self care, I invite you to start exploring self care. Self Care is giving ourselves what we need at every given moment. So it's in the moment, knowing what you need. And sometimes it's helpful to plan self care, especially if self care is hard for us because it takes time to know exactly what you need in the moment. Because that's a real connection with self. And so many of us are disconnected from self. So you want to prioritize self care, that's gonna help you. So that's an example of a way you could start setting time boundaries is to plan them ahead of time. So maybe another boundary you have to set is that your family gives you unsolicited advice, and you need to set a boundary that you're not looking for advice on your life. This is very common. I've noticed this recently in my own life, that I'm just looking for people to listen to me, and everybody just keeps offering me advice. And I always find it funny that I'm somebody with an advice podcast. But I really don't like unsolicited advice. I don't agree with it. I think it's a bad pattern we're in as people to always try and fix one another. It's really never my intention here to fix you. It's my intention to connect you back with you. So say that's a situation you're going through, then you're going to want to become clear about how you can voice these boundaries, and thinking about them ahead of time thinking about what may arise on the day of because it may be a pattern that it's happened multiple holidays, or multiple times you see your family, what may arise and how you can communicate clearly because boundaries are most effective when we can communicate them clearly. And when we stick to them ourselves, people outside of us may challenge our boundaries, we said they want to see if they can push our boundary. So it's up to us to really hold firm in our boundaries. And that's also a lesson to self it shows ourselves that we can trust ourselves. If we don't get wishy washy with our boundaries. It's important that when we set boundaries to hold those boundaries, because it's a form of self love, it's a form of self care. So many family structures are filled with those codependent patterns and filled with those family roles that I talked about that aren't always healthy, especially in adulthood. So it's important to create boundaries, because your family doesn't deserve access to every part of you. They shouldn't necessarily be giving you advice. So many of us learn when we become adults that our parents don't have the answers for everything and that what we're navigating right now are things that they didn't always navigate. I know that I've talked to a lot of younger people, I guess you would say Gen Zers, who are navigating a lot that a lot of other people didn't have to navigate with social media with what's going on in school systems with how divisive this country is for those of us listening in America. And you can't always go to your parents for advice on everything. But so many parents are going to continue to offer advice. So you want to become clear on what you're looking for advice. Part of setting boundaries is really respecting yourself and respecting your own energy, respecting your time and respecting your own heart wishes. So sometimes our boundaries are harsher than other times, sometimes our boundaries will change. But sometimes we need to set really harsh boundaries are what appear harsh to other people really non negotiable boundaries, because our own heart needs that. So on the healing journey, I have found that sometimes at the beginning, our boundaries need to be really harsh because we really need to protect our energy while we're healing. And especially when we're moving through vulnerable stages. It's okay to set boundaries and change them later. You just have to give yourself what you need in each moment. setting boundaries is a way to let your heart know and your body know that you're safe. Because oftentimes in family dynamics, those childhood wounds are triggered. And those wounds are often connected to not feeling safe in our childhood. And by setting boundaries you are creating safety within yourself to move through the healing that is arising and that bound dribble lasts as long as it needs to last, it could be forever, it could be a short amount of time. But you need to allow yourself what you need. And it's okay. It's okay. If you need to set a boundary with your time with your energy. It's okay, if this year you can't go home for the holidays, or you need to spend Thanksgiving with just your partner. It's okay, you know what's best for you. And you know what you can handle this year. And sometimes we feel an obligation towards family, there's been this obligation created throughout history, I feel like this has lasted for a very long time. And the truth is, you do not need to give anyone your time and energy who does not respect you, who does not honor you and where it's on an equal energetic exchange. But sometimes as we're healing, especially when we're healing, we're becoming very aware of our childhood wounds, and we're becoming very aware of what we experienced. And sometimes it's too hard to see our families and it can be okay to set that boundary and have it be a shorter amount of time, or have it be a longer amount of time. But it's all about respecting yourself, because you are worthy of your needs. And you're worthy of being in a room of people who respect you a room of people who see you. Because sometimes with families, we aren't seen for who we are today, we're seen as that child's self are seen as that role we played in the family structure. So it can be really hard to be around because we're being asked to fall back in old patterns. And if we don't set those boundaries, then we're not usually able to be seen in a new way if we just fall back into old patterns. So by beginning to set boundaries, you're inviting people to see you in a new way. I honestly believe that setting boundaries is a love for yourself, and also a love for others. Because other people who especially aren't on the healing journey aren't going to change unless we invite them to change with us. So you're giving them an opportunity to see you in a new light and to see your healing in your growth. By setting boundaries. I invite you to really sit with yourself this holiday season. And what are the triggers that usually happen around the holidays? Why do you feel obligated to say yes to all your parents expectations? I invite you to journal and reflect on if you're prioritizing yourself this holiday season, do you find the holidays to be an enjoyable time with your family? Or are they a stressful time with your family, I invite you to dive into what it feels like to be with your family, what these expectations are, that you feel like are being put on you and how you can communicate that these are not working for you. Those are boundaries, it would be a boundary to say no to your family and to communicate that No. So I have an episode about relationship communication. And I think this episode when I go into the communication can also help with communicating with family but communicating the I feel statements, communicating calmly. So if you have a lot of feelings, when you talk to say your mother, if she brings out an anger or frustration you spend time feeling those feelings ahead of time so that you can communicate clearly, because people really can't hear us when we fall into too many emotions. It's very unfortunate. But it takes somebody who's done a lot of healing work and South their own feelings to be able to sit with others who have a lot of feelings. And unfortunately, that's not most of humanity. So I invite you to become clear about what you're trying to communicate and to let yourself off the hook this holiday season, prioritize yourself, take care of yourself, sit with yourself, and give your heart what it's asking for us. So this holiday season, it may be one boundary, it may be five boundaries, it may be 10 boundaries, but really become clear on what you need in order to enjoy the holiday season. Because the holiday season isn't something we're just supposed to get through or time with families and something we're just supposed to get through or something we're just supposed to have to do is that obligation thing that I don't think obligation is healthy. I think that we want to do things from a heart centered place, we want to do things because we want to we want to do things because we love our family not because we have to. And for you, it may be just switching the mindset of I get to do this, I choose to do this. Rather than feeling like a victim, I have to do this. Or it might be recognizing that you're doing too much. Or you're doing things you don't like, or you're doing things that are expected of you, but are not what your heart is asking. And if that's the case, it's yes, communicating these boundaries, setting clear boundaries with your family. And this has been a long answer. But my advice for setting clear boundaries is one to get really clear on the boundaries you're setting to to communicate these boundaries clearly and effectively. How you're going to do that is allowing yourself to feel these feelings first to use I statements so bringing it back to yourself. You don't want somebody to feel like you're attacking them. You always make me do this. You want to say I feel like I have too much on my plate right now. Rather than you're always asking me to do too much bringing it back to the if statement. People can hear those a lot better. Coming from that clear, concise space and also holding your boundaries. So after you articulate your boundary, hold yourself to that boundary. And if you have trouble with that this holiday season, be kind to yourself and be like wow, I went back on my own boundary and just bringing that up Energy of awareness to your boundary, that energy of love for yourself compassion, oh, wow, I'm triggered right now and allowing yourself to be with yourself. And I invite everyone out there to really become curious about when they are triggered this holiday season, the patterns that come up within your family structures, but I invite you to become really curious about yourself this holiday season, because beginning to set boundaries isn't easy. And that leads me to, if you set these boundaries, and they come out messy, and they come out wrong, and somebody's offended, be kind to yourself, setting boundaries, and beginning to setting boundaries is a process, it's not always pretty at first, I found that in my life, I wasn't always able to articulate them in the most concise way. So they would come out messy and unclear. And I just had to be kind with myself as I was learning to set boundaries, that it's not the easiest process, we're not taught to do it. And especially if you're in a family that doesn't set boundaries with one another, it may not look clean and clear right away. But being kind yourself. And the more you do it, the easier it will become. And you'll find that it makes your life easier. And it allows your heart to expand and that when we set boundaries, we're actually able to be more present and loving with our loved ones because we're meeting our own needs. So a lot of times those that resentment can build in family structures, because we're not prioritizing ourselves. But when you begin prioritizing yourself, you'll actually find you enjoy spending time with your family more, because you're including yourself in the equation, because you are worthy of including yourself in the equation. And a lot of times our families are an opportunity for growth. So it may take you seeing yourself first, in order for your family to see the new you I know that was true in my life that I had to start seeing the change within me and then allowing other people to see the change. People didn't just see the changes that I was making. I had to articulate those changes, but also had to see those changes within myself first and then allow others to see them. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. I am sending you so much love. Thank you so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 32:01
I find the holidays to be the most stressful time of year for me, I feel pulled in a million different directions. And I always dread going home for the holidays. I love my family. But I'm always so happy to leave by the end of the week. I never feel like I get to do anything I want. Any advice on how to prioritize myself during this time. Thank you so much for this question. I think that this is a very common experience. I think a lot of us can enjoy spending time with our families, and then can be so happy when we're leaving from that family time. Because these patterns and these roles that we've been talking about appear when we go home for the holidays. I think that this is a great question. And for you it's very similar to the last question, I think it's seeing where you need to set boundaries. And learning to prioritize yourself is learning to prioritize yourself in all aspects of your life, I think that family can be the most challenging. So learning to prioritize yourself before the holiday season or starting to prioritize yourself will really help you this holiday season. So I would invite you to start exploring now ways you can prioritize yourself because I also think that sometimes it can be hard to do it in the moment. So pre preparing. So as I mentioned in the previous question, becoming clear about how you feel and things that you need to incorporate into your holiday season. So it's not like creating a long to do list about things you must do. But say you never get time to yourself, I would invite you to figure out sometimes you could schedule time for yourself now. Can you have late mornings? Or can you go to bed early, finding those small moments where you can have time for yourself? Can you go for runs, can you go for walks during the holiday season, finding those times to prioritize yourself. And it's also going to require those boundaries because people might test you when you're trying to prioritize yourself. And you're going to have to hold firm on your own self care practices. It can be so easy to just put off the self care during the holiday season. But it's actually the most important time to do it because it can be some of the most triggering times for us. Because as I mentioned, families can be really triggering because they trigger those core wounds, they trigger those childhood wounds, those childhood patterns, which oftentimes triggers a sense of unsafety a sense of feeling unseen a sense of feeling unloved, a sense of feeling unworthy a sense of feeling like you're not good enough a sense of feeling compared to your other siblings, or torn between parents, or it can trigger that unsafety if you have parents who argue or if you're in a household where your parents are divorced, feeling torn between those parents still can trigger those childhood wounds if we haven't sat with our own hearts. So how I invite you to prioritize yourself this holiday season is what it sounds like you're very stressed. So I invite you to find some ways to do some stress relief. And I invite you to not add more things to your to do list. But to find ways in your everyday life now that can become more intentional. One thing I talked about in my healing circle recently was incorporating grounding practices. So when we become stressed we often start to leave our Our bodies, we aren't grounded within our body, our energy starts to go up is the visual I'm seeing. And we kind of can rest above the top of our head, and in the top half of our body in the mind of our body rather than in the body. And some ways you can ground are really to connect with nature, you don't even have to do it for that long recently, I've been going to a mountain nearby for 10 to 15 minutes a day, I just go walk near it, I'm trying to add it to my everyday life. Rather than making it another thing I have to do, I'm just throwing it into my day, when I'm driving home and I drive past it, I just pull in, I spend some time in nature, and then I go home, I'm not making it a thing. So that's one way you could do it. Another way would be to incorporate breathing into your life. And again, I think breathwork classes are amazing if you have time for it, or you can start finding breath work near you. But even just in your everyday life starting to do a breathing exercise like box breathing, which is one I found really helpful in my own life where it's where you breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for four, hold for four, you're creating a box with your breath. And this can help you to ground. But if you're really stressed, you're going to want to find ways to become less stressed. Because you're going to get clarity, when you de stress, you're not going to get any of the clarity from that stressed place. Because that's your body's way of communicating too much is going on. So to me, the first step for you will be finding ways to de stress this holiday season. And if you find the holiday season to be really stressful, I invite you to prioritize the self care, prioritize taking baths, prioritize doing yoga, prioritize watching holiday movies, prioritize whatever is good for you, whatever feels relaxing for you, it could be naps, it could be taking more off your plate. If you have too much on your plate, you may need to communicate to your family that you can't do as much this year. I'm not sure what it is about this year that pulls you in a million different directions. But it's really getting clear on what can you take off your plate because you deserve to be relaxed, you deserve not to feel pulled in a million directions. And another way you're going to do this is by setting those boundaries. It's not always easiest, especially for people who always keep busy or always take more and more on their plate or who do a lot, you're going to want to start doing less. And you're going to have to set the boundaries about what you can and can't do. And this may surprise people. If you're somebody who's never set boundaries before, they may be like what but you always do this, you're just going to have to communicate what you can and can't do. And how you're going to get clear on that is by connecting back to yourself by sitting with your own heart by meditating, by journaling, by in the car talking to yourself, turn off the music, sit in that silence and talk to yourself. What is your heart trying to tell you your heart knows exactly what you can and can't do, what you should keep on your plate where you should take off what you need. And so in order to prioritize yourself, you're gonna want to prioritize connecting to your heart. And when we're stressed, it can be really hard to hear our hearts, the mind is a lot louder, because we're not really in our bodies, as I mentioned. So finding ways to ground nature breathing, noticing your surroundings is a great grounding practice. What does it feel like in the chair I'm in?
What colors do I see right now? What do I hear? What can I smell? What can I taste. And the more you do that, the more you'll drop into your body, your energy will shift. And you'll be able to become more clear on what you need right now. And I also want to voice in this episode that you're allowed to change your mind. So you may agree to something that you can't do later. Or you may be at Christmas or Hanukkah or Thanksgiving. And you may realize you need to set a boundary in that moment. Allow yourself that you may have to change your mind. It's okay to change your mind. We're in a society that teaches us we're not allowed to change our minds, you are allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to change your mind. If you feel one way one minute and you feel different than next. That's okay. That's okay. You're gonna have to be the one to speak up for yourself though. So how do you prioritize yourself? It's really it's starting with self care, prioritizing yourself. It's making the time it's looking at that to do list and putting number one, what do I need today, putting yourself on that list every day, if it's 1015 minutes a day, it's putting yourself first is how you're going to prioritize yourself. It's making sure that every day you're doing something for you because the more you include yourself in your to do list or in your schedule or in your own life, the more prioritize you will feel and the more clear you will come be about everything else you can do because what I also truly believe is that we can only give to others as much as we give to ourselves. And if we don't do that, then resentment starts to build. So the more you give to yourself, the more you'll actually be able to give to others. For example, I'm only able to do this podcast because I prioritize myself to a a extreme extent, I am always my number one priority, I really protect my energy. I am very conscious about who I allow in to my space, and who needs to leave. I'm very conscious of my time. I'm very conscious of my life, and I'm very intentional with my time. And that's a way you begin to prioritize yourself as becoming intentional. About where is your time going, where's your energy going? So many people just move through the motions all the time, they're not living with intention, a way you can begin to prioritize yourself is by bringing intention into your life, becoming intentional with each moment, becoming intentional about what you need, say you spend a lot of time in the car, how can you become intentional with that time? Is there a self help book you can listen to? Can you talk to yourself? Is there someone you can call who feel good every time you guys catch up spending that time intentionally, rather than maybe just playing your regular thoughts in your head, or whatever it is, it's becoming intentional using that time you can care for yourself on that drive home from work, you become clear about what you need, you can decompress, you can breathe, you can connect back to your breath. But it's finding I find small ways throughout your day at first to start prioritizing yourself. Because self care isn't just taking baths, I suggested all the time, because I love taking baths. And I think it's a great way to unwind because I just find that it's a way to just be with ourselves. But I don't think that's the only thing self care is I think self care is becoming intentional with your time and prioritizing yourself and giving yourself what you need in every given moment. Which is why it's okay, if you change your mind. Self Care has become this thing that we talk about. But the reason self care is so important is because I believe it's a foundation for connecting back with yourself. If you're not taking care of yourself, how can you look at your patterns, triggers and family dynamics, you need to take care of yourself first, how are you going to heal from past trauma or heal your patterns or heal your relationship, if you're not even taking care of you, you have to get the foundation built before you can build a house. That's to me what self care is, you need to arrange your life so you are a priority. Before you can do the other work we talk about here on this podcast and people talk about through the healing journey, you need to take care of yourself first. And so many of us are disconnected from ourselves, or we prioritize others or we're constantly checking out that we don't even have that foundation down. And that's also why sometimes we think other people outside of us should be healing. But so many people outside of us aren't taking care of themselves either. So take the pressure off them and take the pressure off you to do like deep healing work. If you're not even prioritizing yourself, that's the first step you need to take the time to be with you. And at first, this is going to be for you because you're very stressed ways to de stress. Diving into your trauma or your childhood triggers could just be more stressful for you. How can you find time for yourself, I always recommend therapy for people because I think it's a dedicated time to you. So finding a space may be helpful for you. If you're very stressed, and you don't prioritize yourself, I understand therapy costs money, I understand it's not an option for everybody. But I do like to mention that finding a support group, or finding therapy or finding a place maybe you can go once a week, having a hobby or getting a group of friends who meet once a week, having a time to yourself, if you don't already have that could be really, really helpful for you. So I mentioned all that because it's going to require you starting prioritize yourself now, before you'll be able to do it within your family structure. So that's why I want you to start thinking about it. Now before you go home for the holidays, before you spend that week with your family, as you mentioned, is starting to prioritize yourself now we'll help you to do it then. Because oftentimes, it's in those moments that are the hardest, we expect ourselves to do the self care. But truly, it's building the pattern now. And building that priority for yourself now will help you in the tough moments, to be able to pull on that tool that you've already built. Oftentimes, in the tough moments, say like a family holiday that stressful, we're looking for something to make us feel better. And we end up picking up an unhealthy coping strategy because we haven't built the toolbox of healthy coping strategies. So say you never meditate you never journal. And then you expect when you're home to meditate or journal. But instead you find you pick up a drink or you drink a little bit more when you're with your family. That's okay, because you didn't build those self care practices beforehand, because you don't have anything in your toolbox. So it's important to start prioritizing yourself ahead of time, so you can help prioritize yourself then. I also think that as I mentioned, becoming clear about times you can prioritize yourself throughout the week and scheduling them ahead of time could be really helpful for you. I think spending those mornings or those evenings with yourself could be really helpful for you And also just beginning to notice those triggers will be helpful for you because you can't change anything you're unconscious of. So again, I invite everybody this holiday season to become aware of their triggers their patterns and ways their family might be bothering them stressing them out or bringing up a past wound or the thoughts that are flying through your head, jot them down in your phone in a journal, but become aware because again, family is a great time to begin healing. And I also invite you if you have trouble prioritizing yourself notice if your family prioritizes themselves. Is that something you ever witnessed? As a child? Did you witness a family that prioritize yourselves or no, that's another thing that can be helpful on the healing journey. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. But I invite you to really prioritize yourself. You deserve to prioritize yourself, you deserve to put yourself first this holiday season because you're the only one who's gonna put you first. It's true for all of us, we all have to put ourselves first. It doesn't mean that doesn't include anybody else ever in the picture. But if you prioritize your happiness, then you will be able to spend more time with your family and be happier with your family because you have put yourself first and as I mentioned, the more you fill your own cup, the more you can overflow, and bless all those around you. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. Thank you so much for this question. I am sending you so much love.
Amanda Durocher (Outro) 46:20
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to have these conversations with you each week. If you haven't already, I invite you to leave a rating and review for the podcast if you found it to be helpful along your own healing journey. Leaving a rating and review is a great way to support the podcast as well as let others know that this is a safe space to have vulnerable conversations and to ask their most vulnerable questions. So if you have an iPhone, I invite you to open the apple podcast app. And to look up the New View Advice page scroll to the bottom leave a five star rating and a review. As always, I am so grateful for everyone who leaves reviews. It really is so helpful for the podcast. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful for everyone who tunes into each and every episode. I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through sending you all my love. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai