93: EMDR: What I Wish Someone Told Me Before Starting EMDR
Are you curious about EMDR and wonder if it could help you on your healing journey? Have you tried it and wonder why it may not be working the way you expected? In this episode, I answer a listener question from someone who is starting EMDR and wants an honest opinion from someone who has done EMDR before.
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I talk about my own experience with EMDR and share 7 things I wish I knew before starting EMDR. My hope is that for anyone considering EMDR or currently in the process this episode will help you to better understand how EMDR can help to desensitize the really intense feelings attached to the memories of traumatic events, but also how EMDR may fall short in other areas. Full disclaimer - this episode is based on my own experiences using EMDR over the last 5 years. I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice.
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Timestamps ⏱️
Introduction: 00:14
Question 1: 02:08
Outro: 23:01
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome to newbie advice. I'm Amanda Durocher, and if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. It's not my intention to give you all the answers. I believe you have all the answers.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:26]:
You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode. Today, I'm talking about EMDR, and I am answering a listener question from someone who is starting EMDR and wants an honest opinion from someone who has done EMDR before. Full disclaimer, this episode is based on my own experiences using EMDR over the last 5 years. So I'll be discussing 7 things I've learned while doing EMDR and about EMDR. But if you wanna learn more about EMDR, which stands for eye movement desensitization reprocessing, and you wanna learn the technical skills behind it and you wanna learn where it originated and things like that, this probably isn't the episode for you and I recommend googling it. But today, I'm really gonna be talking about my own experiences with EMDR and what I've enjoyed about it and the things that I wish I had known before I started it. So this episode is really for anyone who's curious about EMDR and wonders if it may help them on their own healing journey or who's tried it and wonders why it may not be working the way they expected.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:18]:
In this episode, I'll share my own personal learnings and experiences with EMDR. It wasn't what I expected, so I wanted to share my real life experience rather than what you may find in a book about EMDR. My hope is that for anyone considering EMDR or currently in the process, this episode will help you to better understand how EMDR can help to desensitize the really intense feelings attached to the memories of traumatic events, but how EMDR also can fall short of some other parts of the healing journey. So before we jump in, I just wanted to mention that if you haven't checked out my website, I invite you to check it out for more free resources, including journal prompts, meditations, blog posts, and podcast episodes about the healing journey. You can check that out at newviaadvice.com, and today's episode show notes include some links to resources to learn more about EMDR there as well. So with that, let's jump on into talking about EMDR. Hey, Amanda. First, I would like to say thank you.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:10]:
The healing journey can feel like a really lonely one sometimes, and it's nice to find a bit of comfort through the podcast. 10 years ago, I was drugged, sexually assaulted, and left half naked on the side of a random house. It was something that I blocked out of my head until I couldn't any longer. It has been really hard to manage the last couple years: a lot of difficult sleeping nights, eating issues, irritability, and self doubt. I was doing talk therapy for a while but decided to give EMDR a try a few months ago. So far, it has helped with some less intense memories, but now we are on this very difficult one. The first session was very hard. I had such a hard time focusing and felt a lot of discomfort in my body for a few days after.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:42]:
I'm trying to trust the process, but I'm so scared that it won't work. Then I feel like I'm overthinking too much for it to work. Anyway, I'm sorry if this message is all over the place. I guess it is reflective of how I've been feeling. I was EMDR is something talked about a lot, and it's a common therapeutic technique at this point, but I don't think everybody understands what it's like to go through EMDR. And even if you read about it, I think that everybody's experience with EMDR is going to be different. So I'm just gonna note that here at the beginning that it may be different for everybody who goes through EMDR. Also, before I jump in, I just wanted to say I am so sorry that you experienced being sexually assaulted.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:21]:
I also know what it's like to block it out until you can't anymore, and I just wanna honor you for choosing to heal and to process this traumatic event. It's not easy. It is worth it. It doesn't feel like it's worth it every day, but I truly believe that through our healing, we liberate ourselves from these traumatic experiences we've had, and it's really the only ways through. So I just wanna honor you because it takes courage and strength, 2 things you obviously possess, and I don't think trauma survivors always get the credit they deserve. Like you mentioned, it can be a really lonely journey. It's one of the reasons I started this podcast is because I was incredibly lonely while healing. It's a very isolated process in a lot of ways, and we're really in our heads while we're healing.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:59]:
That's what I found. So you describing overthinking, I think, is very common. I don't know any trauma survivor who doesn't overthink or who doesn't question if they're doing it right or wrong. I think the overthinking is just a symptom of living in survival mode for so long. So you're not doing any of it wrong. You're healing and healing in all its forms, modalities, and processes is a very indirect path. It's not straight. It's a roller coaster.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:21]:
So I just wanna reassure you that I don't know much about your process, but I can promise you that you're not doing it wrong and that having the courage to heal, stepping upon the path of healing, and following your heart sounds cheesy, but it's the way forward. And like I said, it's not a linear path, so it's not gonna look straight and make sense until you look back in time. So I just wanna honor you and thank you for bringing this forward. I think so many people can relate to your question. So I just want to add to that everyone's experience and this is not a professional take on EMDR. As a fellow trauma survivor, these are just a few things that I wish I had known when I started my own journey with EMDR. So this is really me just offering an insider's point of view and if you're looking for something more than that, I think there's other resources for that. But this is really my own personal experience.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:14]:
And for anyone who is new here or doesn't know what EMDR is, I do quickly wanna explain that EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization reprocessing. It is a common therapeutic technique to assist people in processing and healing from trauma. It has been used to assist many people with PTSD because it helps us to neutralize the very strong feelings that are associated with trauma and traumatic memories. So it's it's really helpful for people who find themselves stuck on replaying a traumatic memory over and over again. It can really help us to move out of that stuck phase because I think so many trauma survivors can get stuck because there's so much pain, so many intense emotions, and EMDR can help us to desensitize some of the overwhelming feelings attached to trauma. And again, if you want a more scientific definition or more research and education about it, I'll link more about it in the show notes at noovieadvice.com. Okay. So now I wanna share 7 things I've learned since starting EMDR over 5 years ago.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:09]:
And I also wanna specify that I've done EMDR over the past 5 years. I don't do it all the time. I've used EMDR throughout the past 5 years. So when I am stuck, oftentimes a therapist I am working with will help me to process something with EMDR, but it's not a constant thing I've done for 5 years. It usually helps me through a certain memory or step or layer of my healing journey. Okay. Number 1. I found EMDR to be a really helpful tool for processing and desensitizing the very real feelings of and desensitizing the very real feelings of terror, panic, and fear that are attached to difficult memories.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:46]:
Okay. So this is my number one recommendation when it comes to EMDR is that I've found it to be so helpful in processing these type of intense emotions like terror, panic, and fear. So throughout my healing journey, there have been memories that are terrifying for me to look at and moments of my life that are terrifying or people who hurt me that I had a lot of terror attached to. And I found EMDR helped me to process that terror in a safe space, so with a therapist, in a short amount of time. So I talk about on the podcast a lot of times feeling our feelings. I find emotions like terror and panic aren't really emotions we, like, sit with and process. Those are really uncomfortable to sit with, and I don't find sitting with them necessarily moves them. You know what I mean? You just end up feeling terror.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:33]:
And I found EMDR to be really helpful with processing those type of intense emotions. Oftentimes, through EMDR, I would revisit a memory that had terror, and with a therapist, I would work through the terror. Then that terror would leave the memory, and I'm able to see the memory in a new way. That brings me to number 2, which is when I removed these intense feelings, I was able to see the memory or the image or the person in a whole new way. So that's what I think EMDR really helps us with. Is that there's these really intense feelings overlaying a memory and it makes it hard to see this memory clearly or to heal or move past it because there's such an intense emotion over it. So for example, when I was processing childhood sexual abuse through EMDR, I had so much fear and terror around the person who assaulted me. So I would go into terror just thinking about this person, and I would walk around on the street and I would think I saw this person.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:32]:
So my whole body would go into fight or flight response. And EMDR helped me to become desensitized to him and then to view him in a new way. I was able to reframe the way I viewed him. So it wasn't just through a terror lens. I was able to see I was now an adult. I was able to see that he was just a human and that he could not hurt me anymore. So this terror was almost making him like a monster who lived in my head, and I was able to see that we were humans involved in a very awful experience. This also helped me to have less terror when I was out and about.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:04]:
I would feel really triggered in my daily life and fall into this terror or panic. And EMDR helped me to remove a lot of those feelings. And so throughout my life, I wasn't as jumpy or hypervigilant anymore because I didn't have so much terror and panic within my body. I really believe these emotions live in our body until we process them. Or another example for another memory I did EMDR around, I had an experience where I was berated by a mentor in front of my peers. It was a humiliating experience and thinking about it would cause me to panic. And EMDR helped me to process the panic and then to see that this was just an experience. I was not a bad person.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:41]:
I did not deserve what happened and I also didn't have to fear this person. It helped me to remove that layer of panic over this memory. The third thing I learned in my own experience is that EMDR helped me with dissociation. So for the two examples I gave above, I disassociated from these experiences. So I left my body, but my body still experienced the trauma. So EMDR helped me to ground into the memories to see that they were real experiences and that I was safe. Through processing the intents and feelings and coming back to a neutral state, I was able to be with the memories and to see them from a new perspective. So as somebody who disassociated from a lot of the experiences I had, which to me means I left.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:22]:
I had very hard time with the memories of it. I think of the time that I was berated by the mentor, and I could feel myself dissociating. So I could feel myself, like, becoming less and less conscious while it was happening. I blacked out for most of it. I found EMDR to be really helpful on my journey of healing from dissociation. So those are my pros to EMDR, and now I wanted to share some things that I wish I had known before doing EMDR. So the 4th thing I learned since doing EMDR is that though EMDR helped me to become more neutral about the memories, it didn't take away the pain of being violated. So EMDR didn't fix my trauma.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:59]:
It helped me to heal and to begin to view my experiences in a new way, but it didn't take away my anger, my sadness, or my grief about my very real experience. I still needed to do a lot of inner work around my experiences of rape and traumas. For example, with the childhood sexual abuse, EMDR helped me to not feel terror, but it didn't take away the pain of somebody touching me in that way at a young age. There was a lot more there that needed to be processed, and I discussed it with my therapist as well. We didn't think EMDR was going to fix all that was there. But I was able to go deeper into the trauma because I didn't have those intense feelings clouding the memory. I was able to kind of take my power back is how it feels and able to see it with a new lens rather than being overcome by terror and panic, which were keeping me from seeing some truths within the experience. I don't know if I'll ever feel neutral about the traumas I've survived.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:01]:
I don't feel like they run my life. But do I feel neutral about being sexually abused as a child? Do I feel neutral about being gang raped in my teens? No. I wouldn't say I feel neutral. I don't see it in this way that I'm a victim of the world anymore. I have healed so much around it, but it's an unacceptable thing that I've had to accept about my life. So I wouldn't call that neutral about it, if that makes sense. So EMDR helped me, but there was a lot that my own mind and my own body needed to grasp around it. I also think that some of these experiences we have take time to heal and they deserve time.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:40]:
They deserve us to process them and feel them. I know that there's other techniques similar to EMDR where people say, you know, you'll heal in a day, and maybe that's true. I haven't tried all of them, but I've found that a lot of these things help me to feel better for a time. And then there's often more underneath what was just processed. I haven't found anything that fully processed my experiences of rape in a short amount of time. And I believe part of that's because there was a lot there and it all deserved its time to be witnessed and seen. So I just wanted to mention that, which leads me to number 5, EMDR is not a magic pill. I thought EMDR would solve my PTSD.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:19]:
It helped a lot, but as I mentioned already, it didn't take all my pain away. It helped me to process intense feelings, but I don't think any modality has the capability to solve everything. I've tried a lot of stuff. I've spoken to a lot of people. I don't think anything solves everything. I think the healing journey is gonna involve a lot of different modalities, a lot of different support, a lot of different techniques along the way. And there's nothing wrong with that. I wanted to share this one and word it that way because when I was first starting EMDR, I read about EMDR and the body keeps the Score and on the Internet.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:50]:
And I read all these stories of veterans and of traumatized people who were healed overnight because of EMDR. And I was like, this is what I need. Oh my god. Yes. And like I said, when I started it, I would feel better. Sometimes I'd feel worse, others. But really, I believe it's healing a layer. So even these stories I read online, I'm not sure these people were healed overnight or if for a short while or even a long while, they felt better, but then maybe there was more underneath it.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:17]:
You know, I talk to people who do ketamine treatments as well, which is another healing technique you can try. And a lot of times, they feel good for a while and then they need to go get another ketamine injection, and that's because more is coming up. You know? And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not judging that or anything. It's just that oftentimes, these experiences we survive, they just require more time, more modalities, more healing, and there's nothing wrong with any of that. You know, they're very deep wounds, so it's like stitch by stitch. We're healing ourselves back up and EMDR may put 4 stitches in, but maybe we need a 104. I share that because I thought it would be a magic pill in my life.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:52]:
I thought it would solve everything and it didn't. And I will say that when I used to do group therapy with other sexual assault survivors or a support group, they also mentioned that EMDR helped, but it didn't fix everything. And sometimes what arises during EMDR isn't what we expect. So there was one girl who was sexually assaulted and talked about when she did EMDR a lot, a lot of things around her father would come up even though she was sexually assaulted by a peer in her twenties. And I think that's very common as well is that EMDR will help us to get to some roots of some beliefs we have, and it's not always what we expect it to be. And there's nothing wrong with that. And the last thing I just wanna say about this magic pill thing is, as I say many times, the healing journey is like an onion. And with each layer, we peel back of this onion.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:34]:
We're getting closer to the core, and the core is the truth of who we are, which is the part of us that has never left us. We've just built up beliefs and we have hard feelings and we've built up walls and defenses around the truth of who we are, which is innocent, beautiful, loving, one with all life. And this peace that we have shielded from the world, it's just waiting for us. It never left. Our innocence never left us, even though it feels like somebody took it. It's all there and we just peel back the layers, oftentimes one at a time. And EMDR helps us to just peel back more of those layers, especially the ones that are hard for us to get to on our own, like terror and panic and fear. Or I could see it really helping somebody with rage.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:14]:
I think I had rage come up too while doing EMDR. It just helps us to neutralize those feelings and then more will come up and there's nothing wrong with that. Which leads me to number 6, the 6th thing I learned is that I discovered years into doing EMDR that I couldn't do it wrong, even though I had feared I was doing it wrong. So you mentioned being scared it won't work. It's already working. It's just not easy. You're going to fix everything overnight like I thought it would. You know, when I first started EMDR, I overthought it all the time because I was so confused about the images that arose, so I definitely overthought it.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:45]:
But I look back and that overthinking was just the mind coming in, but the processing was happening. And I also mentioned that you're not doing it wrong because I just understand that feeling of feeling like you're doing it wrong and being confused why maybe it's not fixing everything, or you said you left once and you felt discomfort. I think that's common as well that sometimes we feel better after leaving, sometimes we don't. I remember one time my therapist didn't have the time to fully process one of the memories with me, which is definitely one of my negatives about EMDR is that if the hour's up, the hour's up. And I definitely had a few times where I left, and I was, like, in the middle of processing something. And my therapist was like, let's put that on the shelf for next week. And I'm, like, what shelf are you talking about? You think that after opening this Pandora's box, you think I can throw this back on the shelf till next Thursday? That's one of my negatives. I didn't even have that on my list, but I'll throw that in now that the fact that you open Pandora's box and you're not always able to fully process it, That one's tough for me.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:42]:
I understand. I understand. You get an hour. But sometimes these need more than an hour and it can be tough to leave because I do remember one time I left and I had tear up, and I didn't get to fully process it. So I left, and my body, like, needed to process it. So I had, like, 3 terrorizing moments happen after leaving where I was just screaming at the top of my lungs in public at strangers, and they were like, what's happening? And I was like, oh, I'm processing. So that can definitely happen as well. I also wanna say it's so scary to revisit some of these events and emotions, but you deserve to honor your own experience.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:13]:
And we don't revisit these memories to torture ourselves. Instead, it's to honor what we've survived. As many survivors know, you're going to revisit in your mind if you want to or not. Like, the flashbacks and the nightmares are real, and EDM Doctor helps us to intentionally revisit the events we have experienced or discover what is causing that belief about ourselves in a safe environment. So I think it's a helpful tool for the healing toolbox, and you can't do it wrong. I really don't think you can do it wrong. I think as long as you're sitting with whatever wants to come up at the time, even if you're judging it, you're still doing it right. And if there's more coming up after you leave, I think that's okay.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:49]:
We're learning how to be peaceful in a body that is not at peace yet. That is going to trigger some thoughts. Not to scare you, just to be honest. So just inviting that level of compassion in, inviting you to anytime you feel like you're overthinking to just understand you survived some shit and it's just part of the process and you're not doing it wrong. You're beautiful. You're amazing. You're really strong and courageous for even diving into this and allowing it up. You're doing great.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:13]:
You are healing. Number 7. This is the last thing I wanted to share that I learned while doing EMDR is that some therapists make it difficult to do. And I think that every person should be able to dictate when they're ready and when they're not. So I've spoken to many people whose therapists are almost skittish about doing it even though they advertise that they do EMDR. And I know there were times I knew it would help and my therapist just wouldn't let me do it, and I found that odd and upsetting. And I know other people who have been like, when are we gonna start? And the therapist is like, maybe next week. Maybe next week.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:41]:
And I believe everybody should have the right to lead their own healing journey. So I'm a huge proponent of therapy and finding support for your journey, but I think it can be really easy to give our power away to therapists. And I think it's important to remember that this is your healing journey and only you know what's best for you. You know when EMDR is best and when it's not. So as you mentioned, you've been feeling some discomfort in your body. Maybe you need a week off. Maybe you need to just talk about what you're feeling, and your body needs a little bit of a break. Or maybe you need to continue doing it, but only you are truly gonna know what your body needs.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:09]:
So healing from trauma is a process of getting reconnected with your body and learning how to listen to it, speak to it, and honor the needs your body has. Because especially when we experience sexual assault and rape, when our body is used against us, when our body is victimized and other violent acts, teach us to not trust ourselves and teach us to leave our body and to dissociate from our body. So your healing journey is a journey back to yourself. And I think that therapy is great in a lot of ways, but it's also important for you to lead your own healing journey. I find one of the downfalls with therapy is that so many therapists studied from a book. They did not actually live through the things that you and I have, and I get really frustrated when somebody tries to contradict my lived experience with that of a textbook. As I said, only you know what your body is communicating with you. Healing from trauma is a personal journey.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:58]:
It's a courageous journey. But never let anybody confuse you about what is true for you or not. This journey will help you to learn to trust yourself. And I know a lot of people who have experienced the level of trauma I have, and they don't see therapists. They stop seeing therapists early along their journeys because that's how they felt as well. Is that sometimes it's hard to talk to somebody who's trying to treat you like you belong in a textbook or is trying to tell you how you should feel or how the process should be working. And no. No.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:24]:
No. No. No. No. No. No. As a fellow trauma survivor, no. Nobody can tell me what my body's communicating.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:31]:
Nobody can tell me about my lived experience. Nobody can tell me anything about my experience except for me, which is why the inner work is so important, which is why we have to validate ourselves, which is why this is such an inner journey, which is why I'm so passionate about it. It's because only you know what your body's communicating. Only you know what you went through. Only you know the beliefs that came from it. Only you know the path forward as well. That's why I start every episode with, like, I don't have the answers. I believe you do.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:55]:
I'm just here to be a guide, to reassure you that you're on your path, reassure you that your heart is leading the way, to reassure you that there's nothing wrong with you. And sometimes therapists forget that that's also their job. So just wanted to share that because I love therapy. Currently not in therapy. But it's sometimes helpful and sometimes I've found it to honestly be a hindrance to my healing journey, but that's nobody's fault or anything like that. I just have to know when it's good for me and when it's not. So, again, just another personal journey, personal choice. So those are the 7 things I've learned since starting EMDR.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:29]:
I hope that reassures you or helps you to see EMDR in a new way. If you have any additional questions, please reach out. And I am sending you so much love. Thank you so much for this question. And I just want to again honor you, your courageous soul. I am sending you so much love. The path you are on is not easy. Anyone listening knows that.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:48]:
Right? We all know what we've been through. We all know it's not easy to be human. So I just wanna honor you. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. If you have a question you'd like to hear answered on the podcast, you can submit a question at newviewadvice.com/question. I'm always looking for new questions to answer and am always open to any topic and anything that you may be wondering about the healing journey.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:19]:
Thank you again for joining me for another episode of newbie advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.
