82: How to Survive the Holidays as a People Pleaser or Empath: 5 Tips to Find Joy this Holiday Season

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Written By Amanda Durocher

Do you find the holidays overwhelming and stressful? Do you have a hard time setting boundaries? Do you find yourself hoping that the holidays will just get over with rather than finding ways to enjoy this time of year? In this episode, I will be answering a question from a listener who struggles with the holidays because of people pleasing tendencies and being an empath.

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I talk about what it means to be a people pleaser and where this pattern often originates from, and what it means to be an empath and why many people pleasers are also empaths. I will also be outlining 5 steps that I recommend for overcoming stress and overwhelm this holiday season. My intention for this episode is to help you to learn how to find balance this holiday season and feel joyful and excited for the holidays.

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Timestamps ⏱️

  • Introduction: 00:14

  • Question: 01:50

  • 5 Tips: 14:32

  • Outro: 40:36

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    Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:

    Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started.

    Hey, beautiful soul. My name is Amanda Durocher, and this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. Today, we are discussing how to survive the holidays as people pleasers and empaths. Do you find the holidays overwhelming and stressful? Do you have a hard time setting boundaries? Do you find yourself hoping that the holidays will just get over with rather than finding ways to enjoy this time of the year?

    In this episode, I'll be answering a question from a listener who struggles with just that. They struggle with the holidays because of people pleasing tendencies and being an empath. They feel disconnected from the holidays and stressed and overwhelmed. I'll be outlining 5 steps that I recommend for overcoming stress and overwhelm this holiday season. My intention for this episode is to help you to learn how to find balance this holiday season and feel joyful and excited for the holidays.

    Amanda Durocher [00:01:07]:

    I know that this is a question I can definitely relate to and have struggled with throughout my own life. And through these 5 steps, I've really connected back to myself and enjoy the holidays much more than I did about 10 years ago. So I am really looking forward to this episode, and I hope you find it helpful for you this holiday season. And before we jump in, I just wanted to mention that if you haven't checked Got my website. I invite you to check it out after this episode for more free resources, including journal prompts, meditations, blog posts, and podcast episodes about the healing journey. You can check that out at New Viewadvice.com, and all the show notes from today's episode will be able to be found at New Viewadvice.com/82. So with that, let's jump on in.

    Listener Question

    Dear Amanda, I am a people pleaser and often struggle with the holiday season.

    Amanda Durocher [00:01:54]:

    It's so stressful and overwhelming, and it always leaves me so drained come January 1 that I never feel motivated to start my New Year's resolutions. Any advice on how to survive this time of year? Is it just grit and get through, or is there a way to actually enjoy the holidays? I'm also an empath and find it so hard to do so much for the holidays. I don't think I've enjoyed this time of year since I was a kid. Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you so much for this question. This is such a great question. I know that I can relate to this question, and I think many, many people can relate to this question as well. So I thank you for asking it.

    Amanda Durocher [00:02:26]:

    I think the holidays can feel really overwhelming for a lot of people, and I think that many times it feels stressful, and we can feel obligated to participate in activities and events. And I feel like the holiday season is a time of year that, Like you said, many people just grit their way through. Right? They just kinda force their way through it, and they know it's gonna end, so they just kinda push forward. But the holidays are a time to enjoy. It's a time to actually slow down and to reflect on the year and to connect with ourselves and people we love. So I love this question, and today, I'm going to outline 5 steps that I have found helpful in my own life and to help you this holiday season with connecting back with yourself and finding joy this holiday season. Before I jump into the 5 steps, I did just want to talk a bit about people pleasing because I talk about people pleasing a lot in my 1 on 1 sessions. So I know that many people who listen to this Guests are also people pleasers.

    Amanda Durocher [00:03:17]:

    And I'm sure as many of you know, but being a people pleaser is being someone who puts other needs ahead of their own. This sounds good in theory, but is unsustainable through practice as I'm sure you know if you're asking this question. I too am a recovering people pleaser. Stress on recovering, not recovered because people pleasing can become really ingrained. I know it was really ingrained in me, and it's something I continue to unravel in my own life and to notice within myself when I am out of alignment. I think that people pleasing often leaves us very unbalanced because we're giving more than we're receiving. And when we're out of balance, that leads to stress and overwhelm as you mentioned in your question. People pleasing often starts in childhood and in our family structures.

    Amanda Durocher [00:03:59]:

    And 2 things I wanna note about this here is that, 1, when looking at people pleasing tendencies in In your own life, I invite you to be kind to yourself because as I mentioned, this pattern often starts in childhood, which means that it's very rooted In us, it doesn't mean we can't unroot it, but it means that what we're doing in the present is oftentimes tied to one of those childhood wounds, and that takes time to unravel. So I just invite you to kind with yourself. I also wanna mention here that because people pleasing oftentimes starts in family structures, it often comes out around the holidays when we're seeing family. Right? So these patterns and these roles we play in our family structures, which I talk about this in some of my family dynamic episodes in the holidays. So if you haven't listened to those, I'll link those in the show notes at newviaadvice.com/82. But in our families, we often play a role. So many people pleasers feel very seen within their families, within their friendships, within their relationships because they aren't allowing themselves to be seen. And that can be a hard thing for us to admit to ourselves, But when we put somebody's needs, somebody's emotions, somebody's burdens before ourselves, then we are often hiding how we feel and our own emotions and our on needs.

    Amanda Durocher [00:05:08]:

    And by hiding ourselves, somebody actually isn't able to see us fully. And a lot of times as people pleasers, we want somebody to notice all that we're giving and to give us back. But oftentimes, that's just not the case. Especially in these family structures, people get really used to you giving so much and them not having to give in return. And so it oftentimes requires the people pleaser to change the pattern, and that's what we're gonna talk about today. Because When it comes to family structures, it can be really hard to be the person who goes first and changes those family patterns. But if you want to have peace this holiday season and find joy. My guess is it's going to require you to show up a bit differently within your relationships.

    Amanda Durocher [00:05:48]:

    So many children develop people pleasing as a safety mechanism. It's really a survival mechanism for a child. So in childhood, if we have emotional parents or caregivers or if we have an unstable home environment, we can begin to try and predict how people will react and what they need in order for us to feel safe. So an example of this is, say, you had a father who yelled a lot, and you began to take notice of the things that triggered him. Say you noticed that he always felt triggered if dinner wasn't ready when he got home. So then you decided to start making dinner so that when he came home, dinner would be made. That's just one example. Or say you have a depressed mother, and you begin to notice that if you do something, she's less depressed.

    Amanda Durocher [00:06:30]:

    You know, I read about this in the Matthew Perry memoir where he talks about developing being really funny in childhood because he grew up in a very unstable environment. He understood that his mother would stop crying or stop having certain emotions if he developed this funny behavior, and then he continued that throughout his entire life being a really funny person. But a lot of times, that funniness was coming from a wounded place because when he was funny, he felt safe. And so I mentioned that because a lot of us developed this people pleasing pattern in our childhoods in order to feel safe. And when we developed those people pleasing patterns in our childhood, they often stuck because we were often rewarded for the people pleasing behavior. So with the example of making your dad dinner. Maybe you noticed he would be upset when dinner wasn't made, but when he dinner was made, you were rewarded. He would say, oh my gosh.

    Amanda Durocher [00:07:22]:

    Thank you so much. I love you. You're the best. Oh my gosh. What would I do without you? So you are rewarded for the behavior of fixing his anger, but you were likely sacrificing something in order to do that. You're the child. You're not supposed to cook for the parent, and you put his needs and spread them your own. With the Matthew Perry example, he was rewarded for that humor.

    Amanda Durocher [00:07:44]:

    Right? So throughout his whole life, he was rewarded for being funny, But he was battling a lot of inner demons around his own enoughness and his own worthiness, and it wasn't fixed by outside praise. It was something that he would have to find within himself. And so when we develop these people pleasing patterns, it's very often that they stick because we are rewarded so then we can develop the role within the family that's the fixer, the person who everybody goes to for advice, the person who keeps the balance within the family, but often sacrifices themselves. And that makes me think of a quote that I read recently that is, I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself. And this quote's by an author Rita Mae Brown. And I love this quote because it shows that when we conform, which often involves us changing ourselves. It may make us liked by others, but we don't like ourselves. And that's why people pleasing at some point stops feeling good.

    Amanda Durocher [00:08:42]:

    And this brings me to wanting to just talk a little bit about self sacrifice. So self sacrifice, which is similar to self abandonment, is a key piece to being a people pleaser. Self sacrifice is when we sacrifice our own wants and needs for someone else. Maybe once this was okay, you know, maybe when you were a child, this is something you needed to do for safety. But Over time, this becomes a pattern, and this leads to the feeling of self abandonment. The more you sacrifice yourself, the more you are going to feel as though you are abandoning yourself. And when you abandon yourself for the needs of somebody else, it does not feel good. And I think many of you can relate to how it does feel good.

    Amanda Durocher [00:09:22]:

    And I'm sure there's times that you have tried your best to put somebody's needs before yourself, and you have just not been able to do it right. I think over time, it either becomes exhausting or we realize we just are never enough for this other person. We can never change ourselves enough. We can never put ourselves in a pretzel enough to make this other person happy. And guess what? That's life because you are not responsible for their Happiness. You are responsible for your happiness, and they're responsible for their happiness. Happiness is an inside job. Joy is an inside job, And self love is an inside job.

    Amanda Durocher [00:09:58]:

    So part of healing from people pleasing is remembering that is remembering that, one, we can't control others. 2, we want to learn how to stop self sacrificing. I wanna stress here that you are worthy of taking up space. Many people pleasers hide themselves. Many people pleasers shrink themselves in family situations, and they blend into the background. And they don't feel seen because they are sacrificing their own wants and needs to try and make everybody else happy, but then nobody sees them because they do not see themselves. Damn. Have I played that one out in my own family, and it is a tough pill to swallow.

    Amanda Durocher [00:10:34]:

    Honestly, in my own family, I've used to try so hard to change myself to make everybody happy while also trying so hard to be seen. And it was like, of course, nobody was gonna see me If I was showing up in the same pattern I played out my whole life, nobody was gonna see all the growth I've done. Nobody's gonna see that I've changed. If when I showed up at home, I was still changing myself to make everybody else happy. You mentioned being an empath as well, and empaths are very often people pleasers. Some people are born highly sensitive to the emotions and feelings of others and are highly sensitive people, and other people learn to be empathic as a trauma response. Because if you're able to read a room and sense how people are feeling and predict how somebody feels before they tell you how they feel, then you're able to Change that. Right? So many times in childhood, we label certain emotions as negative, such as anger or sadness.

    Amanda Durocher [00:11:26]:

    We don't want our parents, our caregivers, to feel that way because maybe we feel unsafe when our parent is angry. So we begin to predict it. We begin to sense it, Sense the anger and predict what things make them angry, and then we begin to try to people please. We begin to try to give them what they need so that they'll give us what we need, which is love and safety. But oftentimes, this isn't how it worked. You know? You may have found that you changed yourself for a parent throughout your life, and they still never showed up for you the way you needed them to. And that's a really sad reality for many people. I find people pleasers tend to be empathic.

    Amanda Durocher [00:12:04]:

    As I mentioned, empaths Us are able to sense how others feel and even feel how others feel. I am a highly sensitive person, and I know how others feel even if they don't tell me. And I consider anxiety to be a very contagious emotion. That's one of the hardest ones for me to be around really anxious people because I pick up on that anxious feeling, and it's Hard one for me to shake, and it can be also hard for me to identify if it's my anxiety or their anxiety. And so it's been important for me to find ways to keep myself grounded and to keep my energy clean, which we'll talk more about in a bit. As I mentioned, when we're children, we label certain emotions as negative, but I do want to stress here that I don't believe emotions are negative. I believe that emotions may feel challenging and unpleasant, but I do not believe that any emotion is purely negative. All emotions are trying to communicate with you about how you are feeling.

    Amanda Durocher [00:12:52]:

    And maybe you're picking up on somebody else's emotion, And that would be communicating something with you as well, but it is not a punishment. In the book, The Body Says No by author Gabor Mate. He discusses how the emotions in the body are very connected, and it's important for us to learn when our body is saying no. And I think this is a great book for people pleasers because I think saying no can be hard for a lot of empaths and people pleasers. Another book I want To mention before I dive into the 5 steps I recommend is that if anyone feels that their mother may be narcissistic or have narcissistic characteristics, A great book is Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. This book was really helpful for me on my healing journey. My mother isn't a narcissist, but she does lack empathy and always made me feel weird and abnormal for being so empathic. And this book really discusses the importance of empathy in building healthy relationships and how there's nothing wrong with being empathetic and how We can all learn to be more empathetic because it's how we really relate and connect to each other.

    Amanda Durocher [00:13:54]:

    And this book really helped me to see how so many of the things I have felt in my relationship with my mother are truly very common, and also that her lack of empathy did have a real impact on me. This book allowed me to see my empathic nature as a real gift. So for any empaths out there who struggle with their mother, I invite you to check this book out. Even if you don't identify as your mother being narcissistic, I still found This book to be really helpful in my own life because I think so many daughters feel like they're never good enough for their mothers in one way or another and just feel this Ancestral burden. So I invite you to check that out if it feels like it could resonate. And, again, I'll link that at newvia advice.com/82.

    5 Tips for People Pleasers

    Now I wanna outline the 5 things that I recommend for you to start doing today to assist you with relieving stress and overwhelm and beginning to enjoy the holidays. These 5 steps you can take are, 1, practicing self care, 2, take care of your energy, 3, set boundaries, 4, begin to notice any patterns or triggers arising throughout the holiday season.

    Amanda Durocher [00:14:51]:

    And 5, offer yourself grace and compassion. So So now I'm gonna break each of these down and talk about them each a little bit more. So my number 1 piece of advice is to practice self care. I think self care is the most important thing we can practice throughout the holidays and, honestly, throughout our entire lives. Self care is not selfish. Self care is essential. You have to make sure you are taking care of you, especially through stressful and overwhelming times. And I want to stress that you deserve to take care of yourself.

    Amanda Durocher [00:15:19]:

    And as we become adults, it is our own responsibility to take care of ourselves. Self care is so important because it is a practice of coming back to ourselves. Self care in all its forms helps us to realign and to come back to the present moment. Honestly, I think the next 4 steps are also forms of self care, but I'm going to talk about each of those individually. But self care is really the act of taking care of you. I work with so many people who are so busy that they can barely hear themselves think. We often discuss how they're looking for clarity and answers, But these answers they're looking for in the present moment, they're in the body. They're in the silence.

    Amanda Durocher [00:15:56]:

    And when we are moving too fast, which so many of us are, especially here in America. The world moves incredibly fast. It can be hard to hear ourselves think and to hear what we need, so that's why self care is so important. I feel like some days being a part of society, especially here in America, is like running on a hamster wheel, and you keep running and running and running and running, and you get absolutely nowhere. It's so crazy how in today's world, there is always somebody trying to sell you something, somebody always telling you what you're doing wrong, what you could be doing better, how you could look better, do better, be better, feel better. When throughout my own life, I have found this just creates more stress, more overwhelm, and more disconnection from myself. As a recovering people pleaser and a very empathic person, I have found self care to be a nonnegotiable in my life. I'm doing no one any favors when I do not take care of myself, And this is a lesson I have learned time and time again.

    Amanda Durocher [00:16:50]:

    And the more I connect back to myself, it is harder for me to disconnect from myself. You know, I hit burnout a lot quicker than I used to. I have to set more boundaries than I used to. I can't sacrifice myself the way I used to. I can't self abandon myself without being whacked on the other end, aka, like, 48 hours of just staying in bed. The more you learn to live in alignment, the harder it will be when you step out of alignment. And that's what you may find this holiday season is that the more you're on your healing journey, Harder it is to go back to those old patterns, and many times people pleasing is an old pattern. Or when we see our families, we fall back into old family patterns, but it gets harder and harder to Show up in that old way the more you heal.

    Amanda Durocher [00:17:33]:

    It's not impossible, but it feels like a tight jacket. So you used to wear this jacket your whole life, and then you start healing. And then this jacket starts to get tighter and tighter because you're taking up more and more space, and you can't hide or shrink yourself the same way you used to. And that's a good thing. Right? It means you're growing. It means you're healing, but it doesn't mean it's not an uncomfortable thing to have to work through. Self care can look like a small act, like taking a bath or having a cup of tea while reading a book. It can be a long spa weekend.

    Amanda Durocher [00:18:03]:

    You can make a whole weekend or a week out of your self care. It can look like journaling and connecting with your feelings. It can be meditation. It can be walks in nature. It can be yoga classes or weight lifting or running. It can be saying no when you used To say yes, it can be letting yourself sleep in one day if you're used to always waking up early, or it can be lounging in bed all day on a Sunday. It can be calling a friend and catching up. Really, self care has no bounds of what it can look like.

    Amanda Durocher [00:18:30]:

    It's what you need. It's what feels good to you. It's what fills your cup up. So as we talked about earlier, life is about balance, and it's about giving and receiving. So self care is about receiving. It's about coming back into receptive mode. What fills your cup up? And sometimes that's processing difficult feelings. Sometimes that's exactly what we need because I view it like a bottleneck, And sometimes a feeling we've been avoiding or a memory we haven't processed can be that bottleneck.

    Amanda Durocher [00:18:58]:

    And when we process it, Our energy, our body comes back into flow, but we have to release what no longer supports us. Right? So that can also be a form of self care. It can be counterintuitive to prioritize self care and rest, but I have found it to be so important on my healing journey. We are humans. We're not meant to go at a 100 miles an hour every single day. We're meant to rest. We're meant to enjoy life. And And if you're finding the holiday season stressful, it's important for you to take a step back and to ask yourself what you could do that would feel good for you.

    Amanda Durocher [00:19:31]:

    I think that a great way to implement self care is to have a morning or evening routine or both. I know that this has been really helpful in my life and in my partner's to life. I believe that having routines where you prioritize yourself helps you to rebuild trust and to recenter yourself and connect back with yourself every single day. And as you connect back to yourself every day, that trust you are building helps you to see your life, yourself, and your relationships more clearly. This morning routine can look however you want. It's what feels good for you. For me, I take an hour to meditate every single day, And I know for some people, that's gonna sound overwhelming. That's gonna sound impossible.

    Amanda Durocher [00:20:10]:

    That's gonna sound like a luxury. It is a luxury. I'm very grateful that I get to take an hour every day, but I also prioritize it. I also wake up earlier. I also make sure that I have the time for it. I used to try to do 15 to 20 minutes in the morning, and it just wasn't enough time for me. For me, I need that full hour. That's what my body requires.

    Amanda Durocher [00:20:33]:

    It's what I give it that may change over time. My partner on the other hand drinks a cup of coffee, Reads a fiction book for 15 minutes, and that's his sacred time. I'm not allowed to ask him questions or Tell him all the things we have to do. Those are 15 minutes he takes for himself every morning, and I noticed how that helps him to just Ground into the day and start the day from an even footing place. Right? His morning routine and my morning routine are very different. When I meditate for an hour, sometimes I'm processing trauma. Sometimes I'm crying. Right? It's not always easy, but it's important for me to move whatever energy wants to be moved in the morning.

    Amanda Durocher [00:21:11]:

    For my partner, it's just about centering himself to start his day. And so I invite you to do what feels good for you. So this leads me into my 2nd piece of advice, which is to take Care of your energy. If you feel overwhelmed and stressed, it's so important that you prioritize taking care of your energy. For me, my morning routine helps me to take care of my energy. I see how my partner's morning routine helps him to take care of his energy. So a morning routine could be helpful for you, but this is important part of self care. And I wanted to call it out specifically because I think that empaths really need to take care of their energy.

    Amanda Durocher [00:21:48]:

    So I thought of this visual. I hope it's helpful to help you to visualize why it's important to take care of your energy as an empath. I want you to picture a bubble of light around you. Let's say this bubble of light is pink. Okay? So you're moving around the world with this pristine bubble of energy. Dee. This energy is you. This bubble feels really good.

    Amanda Durocher [00:22:10]:

    But you go when you see a family member and say they have a blue bubble around them, and they bump their energy up against your energy. So now your pink pristine bubble has a blue stain on it. Not a big deal. But then maybe you go and you see another relative or a friend or a partner, and they rub up against you and you get a purple stain. And And if you don't clean your energy, your pristine pink bubble is just gonna get stains all over it. And then 1 person's gonna maybe grab a chunk of your pink energy because because they're like, oh, that feels good. I want some of that. So now you have missing pieces of this bubble.

    Amanda Durocher [00:22:45]:

    So it's no longer round. It's becoming misshapen, and it's got stains all over it. It's getting dirty your bubble. It's becoming a murky color. You can barely see the pink anymore because you are picking up other people's energy. That's what happens to empaths. That's what happens to highly sensitive people. There's nothing wrong with that.

    Amanda Durocher [00:23:07]:

    It's normal. It's natural. Just like you clean your body at the end or at the beginning of the day To get off the dirt from the day, you have to find practices to take care of your energy, to clean your energy field. Again, not a big deal. Just has to be something we learn to prioritize as empaths. I used to when I was in my young twenties. I would pick up all this energy all the time. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I began to understand what was happening and that all the emotions I was carrying weren't always mine.

    Amanda Durocher [00:23:38]:

    I can't tell you how many times I would have an emotion. I would be like, no. I literally don't know why I feel this way. Like, why am I anxious? I do not understand why I'm anxious. Why am I feeling uncomfortable? I shouldn't feel uncomfortable. It's because I was picking up other people's emotions and didn't know how to register that. And that is an important thing for empaths to learn how to do. It's an individual process for everybody, but learning to figure out, what emotions you are carrying that are yours, and what emotions are other people's, and learning how to clean your energy field.

    Amanda Durocher [00:24:10]:

    And so there's gonna be different practices for everybody. You know, it could be taking a shower or taking a bath. I find water really helps us to clear and clean our energy fields as well as our bodies. I think that taking a nap, taking a day to yourself, just taking one day where you don't see anybody else can be really helpful. I know when I've been on People overload. A solo day helps me to reset. You know? It helps me to just clear out what isn't mine. I know that being in nature really helps.

    Amanda Durocher [00:24:40]:

    Meditation helps me. I'll link in meditation in the show notes that I use when I'm on empathy overload, and I'm having trouble differentiating whose feelings are mine and what feelings are someone else's. But I think that it's important to find practices to help you to clear out what's not yours. That can add to stress and overwhelm. And I also wanna mention that a mantra I use, which is by Gabby Bernstein, When I feel like I may have picked up somebody else's feeling, it's just to repeat to myself guidance of the highest truth and compassion. Please help me to releasing clear any energy I may have picked up, and retrieve any energy I may have lost. That mantra has really helped me. I have also found that the more I heal, The more stable I am and the more grounded I am, the less energy I pick up of others.

    Amanda Durocher [00:25:26]:

    So my healing journey has been a journey back into my body. I disassociated for a lot of my life. I disconnected from myself because of trauma and also through drinking and drugs and things like that. And the more I ground myself, the less that I pick up others' emotions. So finding ways To ground is probably the most important thing you can do to take care of your energy because the more in your body you are, I find personally the less we pick up others. It's because we become centered, grounded, and it's like being an unmovable boulder when you're in your body. But when you're above your body, you're like pebbles, and it's easy to move pebbles. But when you're in your body, it's like being a boulder.

    Amanda Durocher [00:26:09]:

    And so clean air energy involves intention and, again, slowing down. And because when we ground, we're also slowing down as well. You know, we can ground by just connecting to the breath, breathing and feeling what it feels like in our bodies, breathing in and feeling the breath within our nose, entering our lungs, feeling our chest expand And our abdomen expand and then releasing the air, feeling our abdomen release, And the breath come back up through the body and out through the mouth, allowing yourself to feel the breath And feeling what it feels like as it enters and exits of the body is a great quick grounding exercise. I also talk about the grounding technique 54321, which is you take a moment to identify 5 things you can see, Four things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. By Using this grounding technique, you are connecting back to the senses, and you're connecting back to your body, and you are slowing down and exiting the mind and entering your body. And so I find this to be a really helpful quick grounding exercise as well. I also wanna offer something I've done to take care of my energy. That won't be for everybody, but I just can't believe how helpful it's been in my own life.

    Amanda Durocher [00:27:37]:

    So I deactivated my social media a couple weeks ago. So if you've been looking for me over there, I do apologize. I am no longer on social media for the I'm being this may change, but I cannot believe how much better I feel. I had been trying to set boundaries with social media for so long. It Kinda reminds me of when I was trying to give up alcohol. I was trying to figure out how I could drink without giving it up, but it was when I gave it up, I was like, oh, yeah. I really had to give that up. When I gave up social media, it was another like, oh, wow.

    Amanda Durocher [00:28:06]:

    I really just had to give that up. And in the future, I may be able to create boundaries with it. I hope that in the future, I can hire somebody to take over my social media accounts. That just hasn't happened yet, but that would be a dream for me because I feel so much better off social media. And I was as a highly sensitive person, as an empath, always picking up energy from social media. You're on TikTok, and you're watching something funny, And then you're watching something and you're learning, and then you're watching something funny, and then you're watching somebody scream, and you're like, wait. What? I just felt that in my body. Then you're watching somebody cry.

    Amanda Durocher [00:28:39]:

    And then you're watching somebody yell, and then you're watching something funny. And it was so unnerving for my body to have so much input all the time. And it also had me fall into comparison mode all the time. Going on social media just always made me feel like I wasn't doing enough. And And since being off social media, I'm like, oh my god. I am doing enough. I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. I'm focused on the things that I'm supposed to be doing.

    Amanda Durocher [00:29:03]:

    So many story ideas have been coming to me. I felt like I was having writer's block before exiting social media. I actually exited social media because I needed to focus on writing my memoir, But I have had so many really cool story ideas come to me, and it's because I was filling my boredom with social media because, Again, I didn't have boundaries around it, and I couldn't figure out how to. Just like drinking, I couldn't figure out how to boundaries with it. I had to give it up. That was my journey. If If you can have boundaries with these things, god bless you. That's amazing.

    Amanda Durocher [00:29:32]:

    I couldn't. So I gave it up, and, oh my god, I feel so much better. I can't tell you. I just feel so much better. And as an empath, it just feels so good for me to spend more time in my energy and less time in random people on the Internet's energy. You know? But I did wanna mention that here, 1, because it was so helpful in my own life. And 2, if you have been looking for me on social media, I do apologize for leaving it. I am always available through email.

    Amanda Durocher [00:29:53]:

    The one thing that kept me on social media was for so long is that I love speaking with the new view advice community. I would message with people, and people would tell me what they thought of the podcast and things like that. And, unfortunately, I'm an emailer girl. You wanna chat? Let's Get on email. I know for some young people, that's probably archaic, but I do just have to respect myself and set that boundary for myself that I'm not a social media girl. And I hope that I can figure out how to have this podcast without it or that I can find somebody to support me in that because, like I said, I just feel so much better. Anyways, that was a bit of a tangent, but I wanted to share it because I think that, for me, what I found through leaving social media is that the gut feeling I had that it wasn't serving me was right. But I kept having all these fears about what it would mean for my business if I left social media and that nobody would find my podcast and all these things.

    Amanda Durocher [00:30:41]:

    But, wow, do I feel better? So I had to trust that. I have to trust that people will find me without it or that I'll find somebody to support me through my social media hiatus. So, anyways, that moves me into number 3, which is to set boundaries. And it's a great segue because I had to set boundaries with social media. I had to remove it from my life, and you may have to set boundaries with a person or with a thing in your own life. And we talk a lot about setting boundaries here on the Nuvia advice podcast because I think that setting boundaries is an important part of life. It's really important to learn how to set boundaries. Many of us have I've never learned how to set boundaries, and it can be really uncomfortable and scary to set boundaries.

    Amanda Durocher [00:31:14]:

    So that's the reason we talk about it a lot here on the podcast. And I want you to begin viewing When you are setting boundaries this holiday season, I want you to view it as you are protecting your energy rather than trying to keep out somebody else's energy. I think as people pleasers, we can feel bad setting boundaries. So often I hear, but I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings, or what if they get mad at me, or it feels really scary. And when setting boundaries, we're doing it out of love for ourselves. Trust yourself. You may not be able to put into words how someone or something makes you feel, But if you feel like it's not serving you, then you need to set a boundary. And it's not set it and forget it.

    Amanda Durocher [00:31:55]:

    You can set it and change it later, or you may need to rearticulate or reexamine this boundary. It's not a boundary is a forever thing. It's that right now In the present moment, you need to set a boundary, and you're allowed to change it anytime you want. For me in my life, so many times it takes me setting a boundary for me to begin to See clearly. A lot of times, I need to disengage from someone or something such as social media in order for me to see how much it wasn't serving me. When we become enmeshed, which is when you see that pink bubble you got and you see a different color bubble, I'm gonna give social media like a rainbow bubble, When they become intertwined, so my bubble overlaps, and I lose my pink bubble. And it's like the pinky murkiness is combined with the rainbow ness, and I lose myself in it. To me, that's what being enmeshed looks like.

    Amanda Durocher [00:32:43]:

    And so sometimes we have to fully disengage from something or someone in order to just get our own bearings, our sense of self again, and to see what needs to change within that relationship or with that thing and if we want to bring it back into our life. I love this quote by author Brene Brown that is daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. The way other people react to us setting boundaries tells us some truth about the relationship. If someone leaves you or gets mad at you for setting a boundary, that doesn't make you wrong for setting it. It tells you you were right. I've had friends leave my life after trying to set boundaries that were never meant to end friendships. And through that experience, it hurts, but I get to see the reality of the situation that the relationship really wasn't serving me. Because if the relationship cannot exist without that boundary that I need to protect myself, that I need to love myself, and that relationship really isn't serving me.

    Amanda Durocher [00:33:37]:

    You know, I think I've talked about this Example before, but I had a friend last year who we used to voice message, and I found it really unhelpful for me. I found that they complained a lot through these voice messages, And there's something about voice messages rather than text messages that are just really difficult for my energy. And so I said, hey. Like, I I can talk on the phone. I can see you in person. I can text. I just can't voice message anymore. I never heard from this person again.

    Amanda Durocher [00:33:58]:

    We never spoke again. And that was so hard for me because I was never trying to end the relationship, But what I see now is that person just used me to dump their feelings. They just wanted somebody to complain to and somebody to throw kind of burdens on, And for so long, I played that role. I would respond all kind and honoring their feelings, and I would rarely share about myself because I wasn't comfortable sharing through voice messages. And the relationship was way too much of me giving and receiving none. And when I set the boundary, I realized the person didn't want to give and receive. They just wanted to receive. And, again, it was heartbreaking, but it showed me the reality of the situation rather than the denial I had been living in that we were equals.

    Amanda Durocher [00:34:39]:

    We weren't equals. I was putting this person above myself, above my own needs by people pleasing. So when setting boundaries, I want you to practice saying no to things you don't wanna do and also saying yes to things you do want to do. If there's something you love to do around the holidays, do it even if you have to do it alone. Set boundaries around your joy. We wanna view boundaries as protecting ourselves and protecting our joy this holiday season. If you want to feel joy this holiday season, that is up to you to figure out what would allow you to feel joyful and happy and to set boundaries around that and protect it. Your energy is precious.

    Amanda Durocher [00:35:16]:

    It deserves to be protected. I had this mantra come to me a few months ago that's coming to mind, which is Life is a gift. It deserves to be protected. Alright? I think a lot of people forget this. Your happiness, your life, your energy, these are gifts. Your human experience is a gift. It may not always feel like it. Damn do I know that.

    Amanda Durocher [00:35:38]:

    But it is. It's a gift. It's a gift to be here. It's a gift to get to know yourself. It's a gift to love yourself in human form. If we wanna get big perspective here, I I believe that we're souls having a human experience. And when we come to Earth, we forget that. We forget how powerful we are, how loved we are, how connected to the divine we are.

    Amanda Durocher [00:36:01]:

    And it's the journey through human form to remember that, to find our ways back to love through suffering. And the more we connect back, it doesn't have to be through suffering. I hope some people are just able to remember that connection. But for so many of us, it's through the trauma, through the healing journey, that we remember our power, our happiness, and our divinity, our sovereignty, our freedom. And all of that, As you cultivate that, as you come back to yourself, deserves to be protected by you. If you're listening to this episode, my guess is that the people pleasing isn't working the way it used too. You're not able to shove yourself down the way you used to. Amazing.

    Amanda Durocher [00:36:36]:

    That means you're growing. That means you're changing. That means that you see your worth. That means that you see how valuable your time and your energy is. And because of this, because you are seeing your worth and you're changing and you're growing, it's important to protect Your energy and protect this and protect yourself throughout the holiday season. You know, we don't have endless energy. If we did, we'd be able to do everything, but we can't. So I view it as a glass.

    Amanda Durocher [00:36:59]:

    View it as a glass of water. Some days, that glass is overflowing. Other days, that glass is empty, and it's our job through self care, taking care of our energy and taking care of ourselves to fill that glass up. And when it's overflowing, we can give more to others. But when it's on empty, it's our responsibility to fill it back up and and to prioritize ourselves. So it's really important for you to continue to take care of you this holiday season. And this leads me into number 4. Number 4 is to notice any patterns that arise or times you find yourself becoming overwhelmed throughout the holiday season.

    Amanda Durocher [00:37:28]:

    So I invite you to begin noticing your energy and your emotions this holiday season. Right? So you're not gonna get it all purposed. You're never gonna not be triggered by anything. You're never going to never feel overwhelmed or stressed. It's about beginning to notice those moments you feel overwhelmed and stressed. Oh, I'm feeling stressed here. Can I take back, or what's going on? Oh, I'm feeling overwhelmed here. Can I Say no to something, or do I feel like I have to push through this? Why do I feel like I have to push through this? What is triggering me? What do I struggle to say no to? Who challenges my boundaries this year? You know? It's about beginning to bring that awareness to yourself and the patterns you're playing within your relationships and also to just begin to notice that energy.

    Amanda Durocher [00:38:07]:

    Right? So that cup I mentioned, you may not even know what it feels like when it's full, when it's half full, and when it's empty. That's a practice to begin to understand what a full cup feels like and what an empty cup feels like and what it feels like when you are Getting depleted. Right? Many times, we don't wanna have a fully empty cup, so it's important for us to begin connecting to our bodies and connecting to ourselves. So through awareness, you'll begin to notice yourself this holiday season. And my last piece of advice is, number 5, is to offer yourself grace and compassion this holiday season. As I said, you're not going to be perfect. We never are, and it's important to be kind to yourself. The holidays is a season of grace.

    Amanda Durocher [00:38:49]:

    Remember to focus on what the holidays mean to you and how you wanna feel, which is likely loved, filled with grace, to beauty and, as you mentioned, joy. Remember that as we wrap up the end of the year, it's important to slow down and become intentional. Winter is a season of reflection, and a big part of reflection is kindness. We wanna be honest with ourselves, but kind as we do it. People pleasing is so often rooted in childhood beliefs and experiences, And we do not heal from being people pleasers overnight. It takes time. This has come up for me time and time again and continues to come up for me. Big part of prioritizing myself is being kind to myself.

    Amanda Durocher [00:39:24]:

    I am never going to stop people pleasing if I'm beating myself up. I am never going to put myself first if I'm meaner to myself than to everyone else. I have to be my own best friend. I have to be my inner mother, my inner Father, I have to be the most loving person to myself in order to recover from people pleasing because I have to remember my worth and my enoughness, and that requires being kind to myself. I can't beat it into myself. I can't punish myself enough that all of a sudden I'm worthy. It's through releasing myself of the punishments. It's through the releasing myself of the self hatred.

    Amanda Durocher [00:40:02]:

    It's by being kind to myself that I remember my own worth. So often, what gets me back to the present is this self compassion, being kind to myself for getting lost, and then that helps me come back to my center. So I hope something here was helpful. I am wishing you a beautiful and joyful holiday season. Or if you're listening to this outside the holiday season, I still think there's a lot of great information Jen here, and I am wishing you a beautiful day. May you give yourself the gift of you and your own self love this holiday season? Thank you so much for this question. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. Today, we talked about how to survive the holiday season as a people pleaser and empath.

    Amanda Durocher [00:40:44]:

    My suggestions are to practice self care, take care of your energy, set boundaries, begin to notice patterns, and Offer yourself grace and compassion. I also wanna mention here that if you'd like some additional support throughout the holiday season or throughout your life, I I offer 1 on 1 sessions and would love to assist you on your healing journey. I love connecting with different members of the new VA advice community and creating safe spaces where we get to dive deep together on your healing journey. For everyone who has booked a session, it's been an honor to be part of your healing journey. It is very much a privilege and an honor for me to witness you in your healing. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of new view advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love.

    Amanda Durocher [00:41:22]:

    See you next time.

    and empaths. Do you find the holidays overwhelming and stressful? Do you have a hard time setting boundaries? Do you find yourself hoping that the holidays will just get over with rather than finding ways to enjoy this time of the year? In In this episode, I'll be answering a question from a listener who struggles with just that. They struggle with the holidays because of people pleasing tendencies and being an empath. They feel disconnected from the holidays and stressed and overwhelmed. I'll be outlining 5 steps that I recommend for overcoming stress and overwhelm this holiday season. My intention for this episode is to help you to learn how to find balance this holiday season and feel joyful and excited for the holidays.

    Amanda Durocher [00:01:07]:

    I know that this is a question I I can definitely relate to and have struggled with throughout my own life. And through these 5 steps, I've really connected back to myself and enjoy the holidays much more than I did about 10 years ago. So I am really looking forward to this episode, and I hope you find it helpful for you this holiday season. And before we jump in, I just wanted to mention that if you haven't checked Got my website. I invite you to check it out after this episode for more free resources, including journal prompts, meditations, blog posts, and podcast episodes about the healing journey. You You can check that out at New Viewadvice.com, and all the show notes from today's episode will be able to be found at New Viewadvice.com/82. So with that, let's jump on in. Dear Amanda, I am a people pleaser and often struggle with the holiday season.

    Amanda Durocher [00:01:54]:

    It's so stressful and overwhelming, and it always leaves me so drained come January 1 that I never feel motivated to start my New Year's resolutions. Any advice on how to survive this time of year? Is it just grit and get through, or is there a way to actually enjoy the holidays? I'm also an empath and find it so hard to do so much for the holidays. I don't think I've enjoyed this time of year since I was a kid. Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you so much for this question. This is such a great question. I know that I can relate to this question, and I think many, many people can relate to this question as well. So I thank you for asking it.

    Amanda Durocher [00:02:26]:

    I think the holidays can feel really overwhelming for a lot of people, and I think that many times it feels stressful, and we can feel obligated to participate in activities and events. And I feel like the holiday season is a time of year that, Like you said, many people just grit their way through. Right? They just kinda force their way through it, and they know it's gonna end, so they just kinda push forward. But the holidays are a time to enjoy. It's a time to actually slow down and to reflect on the year and to connect with ourselves and people we love. So I love this question, and today, I'm going to outline 5 steps that I have found helpful in my own life and to help you this holiday season with connecting back with yourself and finding joy this holiday season. Before I jump into the 5 steps, I did just want to talk a bit about people pleasing because I talk about people pleasing a lot in my 1 on 1 sessions. So I know that many people who listen to this Guests are also people pleasers.

    Amanda Durocher [00:03:17]:

    And I'm sure as many of you know, but being a people pleaser is being someone who puts other needs ahead of their own. This sounds good in theory, but is unsustainable through practice as I'm sure you know if you're asking this question. I too am a recovering people pleaser. Stress on recovering, not recovered because people pleasing can become really ingrained. I know it was really ingrained in me, and it's something I continue to unravel in my own life and to notice within myself when I am out of alignment. I think that people pleasing often leaves us very unbalanced because we're giving more than we're receiving. And when we're out of balance, that leads to stress and overwhelm as you mentioned in your question. People pleasing often starts in childhood and in our family structures.

    Amanda Durocher [00:03:59]:

    And 2 things I wanna note about this here is that, 1, when looking at people pleasing tendencies in In your own life, I invite you to be kind to yourself because as I mentioned, this pattern often starts in childhood, which means that it's very rooted In us, it doesn't mean we can't unroot it, but it means that what we're doing in the present is oftentimes tied to one of those childhood wounds, and that takes time to unravel. So I just invite you to kind with yourself. I also wanna mention here that because people pleasing oftentimes starts in family structures, it often comes out around the holidays when we're seeing family. Right? So these patterns and these roles we play in our family structures, which I talk about this in some of my family dynamic episodes in the holidays. So if you haven't listened to those, I'll link those in the show notes at newviaadvice.com/82. But in our families, we often play a role. So many people pleasers feel very seen within their families, within their friendships, within their relationships because they aren't allowing themselves to be seen. And that can be a hard thing for us to admit to ourselves, But when we put somebody's needs, somebody's emotions, somebody's burdens before ourselves, then we are often hiding how we feel and our own emotions and our on needs.

    Amanda Durocher [00:05:08]:

    And by hiding ourselves, somebody actually isn't able to see us fully. And a lot of times as people pleasers, we want somebody to notice all that we're giving and to give us back. But oftentimes, that's just not the case. Especially in these family structures, people get really used to you giving so much and them not having to give in return. And so it oftentimes requires the people pleaser to change the pattern, and that's what we're gonna talk about today. Because When it comes to family structures, it can be really hard to be the person who goes first and changes those family patterns. But if you want to have peace this holiday season and find joy. My guess is it's going to require you to show up a bit differently within your relationships.

    Amanda Durocher [00:05:48]:

    So many children develop people pleasing as a safety mechanism. It's really a survival mechanism for a child. So in childhood, if we have emotional parents or caregivers or if we have an unstable home environment, we can begin to try and predict how people will react and what they need in order for us to feel safe. So an example of this is, say, you had a father who yelled a lot, and you began to take notice of the things that triggered him. Say you noticed that he always felt triggered if dinner wasn't ready when he got home. So then you decided to start making dinner so that when he came home, dinner would be made. That's just one example. Or say you have a depressed mother, and you begin to notice that if you do something, she's less depressed.

    Amanda Durocher [00:06:30]:

    You know, I read about this in the Matthew Perry memoir where he talks about developing being really funny in childhood because he grew up in a very unstable environment. He understood that his mother would stop crying or stop having certain emotions if he developed this funny behavior, and then he continued that throughout his entire life being a really funny person. But a lot of times, that funniness was coming from a wounded place because when he was funny, he felt safe. And so I mentioned that because a lot of us developed this people pleasing pattern in our childhoods in order to feel safe. And when we developed those people pleasing patterns in our childhood, they often stuck because we were often rewarded for the people pleasing behavior. So with the example of making your dad dinner. Maybe you noticed he would be upset when dinner wasn't made, but when he dinner was made, you were rewarded. He would say, oh my gosh.

    Amanda Durocher [00:07:22]:

    Thank you so much. I love you. You're the best. Oh my gosh. What would I do without you? So you are rewarded for the behavior of fixing his anger, but you were likely sacrificing something in order to do that. You're the child. You're not supposed to cook for the parent, and you put his needs and spread them your own. With the Matthew Perry example, he was rewarded for that humor.

    Amanda Durocher [00:07:44]:

    Right? So throughout his whole life, he was rewarded for being funny, But he was battling a lot of inner demons around his own enoughness and his own worthiness, and it wasn't fixed by outside praise. It was something that he would have to find within himself. And so when we develop these people pleasing patterns, it's very often that they stick because we are rewarded so then we can develop the role within the family that's the fixer, the person who everybody goes to for advice, the person who keeps the balance within the family, but often sacrifices themselves. And that makes me think of a quote that I read recently that is, I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself. And this quote's by an author Rita Mae Brown. And I love this quote because it shows that when we conform, which often involves us changing ourselves. It may make us liked by others, but we don't like ourselves. And that's why people pleasing at some point stops feeling good.

    Amanda Durocher [00:08:42]:

    And this brings me to wanting to just talk a little bit about self sacrifice. So self sacrifice, which is similar to self abandonment, is a key piece to being a people pleaser. Self sacrifice is when we sacrifice our own wants and needs for someone else. Maybe once this was okay, you know, maybe when you were a child, this is something you needed to do for safety. But Over time, this becomes a pattern, and this leads to the feeling of self abandonment. The more you sacrifice yourself, the more you are going to feel as though you are abandoning yourself. And when you abandon yourself for the needs of somebody else, it does not feel good. And I think many of you can relate to how it does feel good.

    Amanda Durocher [00:09:22]:

    And I'm sure there's times that you have tried your best to put somebody's needs before yourself, and you have just not been able to do it right. I think over time, it either becomes exhausting or we realize we just are never enough for this other person. We can never change ourselves enough. We can never put ourselves in a pretzel enough to make this other person happy. And guess what? That's life because you are not responsible for their Happiness. You are responsible for your happiness, and they're responsible for their happiness. Happiness is an inside job. Joy is an inside job, And self love is an inside job.

    Amanda Durocher [00:09:58]:

    So part of healing from people pleasing is remembering that is remembering that, one, we can't control others. 2, we want to learn how to stop self sacrificing. I wanna stress here that you are worthy of taking up space. Many people pleasers hide themselves. Many people pleasers shrink themselves in family situations, and they blend into the background. And they don't feel seen because they are sacrificing their own wants and needs to try and make everybody else happy, but then nobody sees them because they do not see themselves. Damn. Have I played that one out in my own family, and it is a tough pill to swallow.

    Amanda Durocher [00:10:34]:

    Honestly, in my own family, I've used to try so hard to change myself to make everybody happy while also trying so hard to be seen. And it was like, of course, nobody was gonna see me If I was showing up in the same pattern I played out my whole life, nobody was gonna see all the growth I've done. Nobody's gonna see that I've changed. If when I showed up at home, I was still changing myself to make everybody else happy. You mentioned being an empath as well, and empaths are very often people pleasers. Some people are born highly sensitive to the emotions and feelings of others and are highly sensitive people, and other people learn to be empathic as a trauma response. Because if you're able to read a room and sense how people are feeling and predict how somebody feels before they tell you how they feel, then you're able to Change that. Right? So many times in childhood, we label certain emotions as negative, such as anger or sadness.

    Amanda Durocher [00:11:26]:

    We don't want our parents, our caregivers, to feel that way because maybe we feel unsafe when our parent is angry. So we begin to predict it. We begin to sense it, Sense the anger and predict what things make them angry, and then we begin to try to people please. We begin to try to give them what they need so that they'll give us what we need, which is love and safety. But oftentimes, this isn't how it worked. You know? You may have found that you changed yourself for a parent throughout your life, and they still never showed up for you the way you needed them to. And that's a really sad reality for many people. I find people pleasers tend to be empathic.

    Amanda Durocher [00:12:04]:

    As I mentioned, empaths Us are able to sense how others feel and even feel how others feel. I am a highly sensitive person, and I know how others feel even if they don't tell me. And I consider anxiety to be a very contagious emotion. That's one of the hardest ones for me to be around really anxious people because I pick up on that anxious feeling, and it's Hard one for me to shake, and it can be also hard for me to identify if it's my anxiety or their anxiety. And so it's been important for me to find ways to keep myself grounded and to keep my energy clean, which we'll talk more about in a bit. As I mentioned, when we're children, we label certain emotions as negative, but I do want to stress here that I don't believe emotions are negative. I believe that emotions may feel challenging and unpleasant, but I do not believe that any emotion is purely negative. All emotions are trying to communicate with you about how you are feeling.

    Amanda Durocher [00:12:52]:

    And maybe you're picking up on somebody else's emotion, And that would be communicating something with you as well, but it is not a punishment. In the book, The Body Says No by author Gabor Mate. He discusses how the emotions in the body are very connected, and it's important for us to learn when our body is saying no. And I think this is a great book for people pleasers because I think saying no can be hard for a lot of empaths and people pleasers. Another book I want To mention before I dive into the 5 steps I recommend is that if anyone feels that their mother may be narcissistic or have narcissistic characteristics, A great book is Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. This book was really helpful for me on my healing journey. My mother isn't a narcissist, but she does lack empathy and always made me feel weird and abnormal for being so empathic. And this book really discusses the importance of empathy in building healthy relationships and how there's nothing wrong with being empathetic and how We can all learn to be more empathetic because it's how we really relate and connect to each other.

    Amanda Durocher [00:13:54]:

    And this book really helped me to see how so many of the things I have felt in my relationship with my mother are truly very common, and also that her lack of empathy did have a real impact on me. This book allowed me to see my empathic nature as a real gift. So for any empaths out there who struggle with their mother, I invite you to check this book out. Even if you don't identify as your mother being narcissistic, I still found This book to be really helpful in my own life because I think so many daughters feel like they're never good enough for their mothers in one way or another and just feel this Ancestral burden. So I invite you to check that out if it feels like it could resonate. And, again, I'll link that at newvia advice.com/82. Now I wanna outline the 5 things that I recommend for you to start doing today to assist you with relieving stress and overwhelm and beginning to enjoy the holidays. These 5 steps you can take are, 1, practicing self care, 2, take care of your energy, 3, set boundaries, 4, begin to notice any patterns or triggers arising throughout the holiday season.

    Amanda Durocher [00:14:51]:

    And 5, offer yourself grace and compassion. So So now I'm gonna break each of these down and talk about them each a little bit more. So my number 1 piece of advice is to practice self care. I think self care is the most important thing we can practice throughout the holidays and, honestly, throughout our entire lives. Self care is not selfish. Self care is essential. You have to make sure you are taking care of you, especially through stressful and overwhelming times. And I want to stress that you deserve to take care of yourself.

    Amanda Durocher [00:15:19]:

    And as we become adults, it is our own responsibility to take care of ourselves. Self care is so important because it is a practice of coming back to ourselves. Self care in all its forms helps us to realign and to come back to the present moment. Honestly, I think the next 4 steps are also forms of self care, but I'm going to talk about each of those individually. But self care is really the act of taking care of you. I work with so many people who are so busy that they can barely hear themselves think. We often discuss how they're looking for clarity and answers, But these answers they're looking for in the present moment, they're in the body. They're in the silence.

    Amanda Durocher [00:15:56]:

    And when we are moving too fast, which so many of us are, especially here in America. The world moves incredibly fast. It can be hard to hear ourselves think and to hear what we need, so that's why self care is so important. I feel like some days being a part of society, especially here in America, is like running on a hamster wheel, and you keep running and running and running and running, and you get absolutely nowhere. It's so crazy how in today's world, there is always somebody trying to sell you something, somebody always telling you what you're doing wrong, what you could be doing better, how you could look better, do better, be better, feel better. When throughout my own life, I have found this just creates more stress, more overwhelm, and more disconnection from myself. As a recovering people pleaser and a very empathic person, I have found self care to be a nonnegotiable in my life. I'm doing no one any favors when I do not take care of myself, And this is a lesson I have learned time and time again.

    Amanda Durocher [00:16:50]:

    And the more I connect back to myself, it is harder for me to disconnect from myself. You know, I hit burnout a lot quicker than I used to. I have to set more boundaries than I used to. I can't sacrifice myself the way I used to. I can't self abandon myself without being whacked on the other end, aka, like, 48 hours of just staying in bed. The more you learn to live in alignment, the harder it will be when you step out of alignment. And that's what you may find this holiday season is that the more you're on your healing journey, Harder it is to go back to those old patterns, and many times people pleasing is an old pattern. Or when we see our families, we fall back into old family patterns, but it gets harder and harder to Show up in that old way the more you heal.

    Amanda Durocher [00:17:33]:

    It's not impossible, but it feels like a tight jacket. So you used to wear this jacket your whole life, and then you start healing. And then this jacket starts to get tighter and tighter because you're taking up more and more space, and you can't hide or shrink yourself the same way you used to. And that's a good thing. Right? It means you're growing. It means you're healing, but it doesn't mean it's not an uncomfortable thing to have to work through. Self care can look like a small act, like taking a bath or having a cup of tea while reading a book. It can be a long spa weekend.

    Amanda Durocher [00:18:03]:

    You can make a whole weekend or a week out of your self care. It can look like journaling and connecting with your feelings. It can be meditation. It can be walks in nature. It can be yoga classes or weight lifting or running. It can be saying no when you used To say yes, it can be letting yourself sleep in one day if you're used to always waking up early, or it can be lounging in bed all day on a Sunday. It can be calling a friend and catching up. Really, self care has no bounds of what it can look like.

    Amanda Durocher [00:18:30]:

    It's what you need. It's what feels good to you. It's what fills your cup up. So as we talked about earlier, life is about balance, and it's about giving and receiving. So self care is about receiving. It's about coming back into receptive mode. What fills your cup up? And sometimes that's processing difficult feelings. Sometimes that's exactly what we need because I view it like a bottleneck, And sometimes a feeling we've been avoiding or a memory we haven't processed can be that bottleneck.

    Amanda Durocher [00:18:58]:

    And when we process it, Our energy, our body comes back into flow, but we have to release what no longer supports us. Right? So that can also be a form of self care. It can be counterintuitive to prioritize self care and rest, but I have found it to be so important on my healing journey. We are humans. We're not meant to go at a 100 miles an hour every single day. We're meant to rest. We're meant to enjoy life. And And if you're finding the holiday season stressful, it's important for you to take a step back and to ask yourself what you could do that would feel good for you.

    Amanda Durocher [00:19:31]:

    I think that a great way to implement self care is to have a morning or evening routine or both. I know that this has been really helpful in my life and in my partner's to life. I believe that having routines where you prioritize yourself helps you to rebuild trust and to recenter yourself and connect back with yourself every single day. And as you connect back to yourself every day, that trust you are building helps you to see your life, yourself, and your relationships more clearly. This morning routine can look however you want. It's what feels good for you. For me, I take an hour to meditate every single day, And I know for some people, that's gonna sound overwhelming. That's gonna sound impossible.

    Amanda Durocher [00:20:10]:

    That's gonna sound like a luxury. It is a luxury. I'm very grateful that I get to take an hour every day, but I also prioritize it. I also wake up earlier. I also make sure that I have the time for it. I used to try to do 15 to 20 minutes in the morning, and it just wasn't enough time for me. For me, I need that full hour. That's what my body requires.

    Amanda Durocher [00:20:33]:

    It's what I give it that may change over time. My partner on the other hand drinks a cup of coffee, Reads a fiction book for 15 minutes, and that's his sacred time. I'm not allowed to ask him questions or Tell him all the things we have to do. Those are 15 minutes he takes for himself every morning, and I noticed how that helps him to just Ground into the day and start the day from an even footing place. Right? His morning routine and my morning routine are very different. When I meditate for an hour, sometimes I'm processing trauma. Sometimes I'm crying. Right? It's not always easy, but it's important for me to move whatever energy wants to be moved in the morning.

    Amanda Durocher [00:21:11]:

    For my partner, it's just about centering himself to start his day. And so I invite you to do what feels good for you. So this leads me into my 2nd piece of advice, which is to take Care of your energy. If you feel overwhelmed and stressed, it's so important that you prioritize taking care of your energy. For me, my morning routine helps me to take care of my energy. I see how my partner's morning routine helps him to take care of his energy. So a morning routine could be helpful for you, but this is important part of self care. And I wanted to call it out specifically because I think that empaths really need to take care of their energy.

    Amanda Durocher [00:21:48]:

    So I thought of this visual. I hope it's helpful to help you to visualize why it's important to take care of your energy as an empath. I want you to picture a bubble of light around you. Let's say this bubble of light is pink. Okay? So you're moving around the world with this pristine bubble of energy. Dee. This energy is you. This bubble feels really good.

    Amanda Durocher [00:22:10]:

    But you go when you see a family member and say they have a blue bubble around them, and they bump their energy up against your energy. So now your pink pristine bubble has a blue stain on it. Not a big deal. But then maybe you go and you see another relative or a friend or a partner, and they rub up against you and you get a purple stain. And And if you don't clean your energy, your pristine pink bubble is just gonna get stains all over it. And then 1 person's gonna maybe grab a chunk of your pink energy because because they're like, oh, that feels good. I want some of that. So now you have missing pieces of this bubble.

    Amanda Durocher [00:22:45]:

    So it's no longer round. It's becoming misshapen, and it's got stains all over it. It's getting dirty your bubble. It's becoming a murky color. You can barely see the pink anymore because you are picking up other people's energy. That's what happens to empaths. That's what happens to highly sensitive people. There's nothing wrong with that.

    Amanda Durocher [00:23:07]:

    It's normal. It's natural. Just like you clean your body at the end or at the beginning of the day To get off the dirt from the day, you have to find practices to take care of your energy, to clean your energy field. Again, not a big deal. Just has to be something we learn to prioritize as empaths. I used to when I was in my young twenties. I would pick up all this energy all the time. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I began to understand what was happening and that all the emotions I was carrying weren't always mine.

    Amanda Durocher [00:23:38]:

    I can't tell you how many times I would have an emotion. I would be like, no. I literally don't know why I feel this way. Like, why am I anxious? I do not understand why I'm anxious. Why am I feeling uncomfortable? I shouldn't feel uncomfortable. It's because I was picking up other people's emotions and didn't know how to register that. And that is an important thing for empaths to learn how to do. It's an individual process for everybody, but learning to figure out, what emotions you are carrying that are yours, and what emotions are other people's, and learning how to clean your energy field.

    Amanda Durocher [00:24:10]:

    And so there's gonna be different practices for everybody. You know, it could be taking a shower or taking a bath. I find water really helps us to clear and clean our energy fields as well as our bodies. I think that taking a nap, taking a day to yourself, just taking one day where you don't see anybody else can be really helpful. I know when I've been on People overload. A solo day helps me to reset. You know? It helps me to just clear out what isn't mine. I know that being in nature really helps.

    Amanda Durocher [00:24:40]:

    Meditation helps me. I'll link in meditation in the show notes that I use when I'm on empathy overload, and I'm having trouble differentiating whose feelings are mine and what feelings are someone else's. But I think that it's important to find practices to help you to clear out what's not yours. That can add to stress and overwhelm. And I also wanna mention that a mantra I use, which is by Gabby Bernstein, When I feel like I may have picked up somebody else's feeling, it's just to repeat to myself guidance of the highest truth and compassion. Please help me to releasing clear any energy I may have picked up, and retrieve any energy I may have lost. That mantra has really helped me. I have also found that the more I heal, The more stable I am and the more grounded I am, the less energy I pick up of others.

    Amanda Durocher [00:25:26]:

    So my healing journey has been a journey back into my body. I disassociated for a lot of my life. I disconnected from myself because of trauma and also through drinking and drugs and things like that. And the more I ground myself, the less that I pick up others' emotions. So finding ways To ground is probably the most important thing you can do to take care of your energy because the more in your body you are, I find personally the less we pick up others. It's because we become centered, grounded, and it's like being an unmovable boulder when you're in your body. But when you're above your body, you're like pebbles, and it's easy to move pebbles. But when you're in your body, it's like being a boulder.

    Amanda Durocher [00:26:09]:

    And so clean air energy involves intention and, again, slowing down. And because when we ground, we're also slowing down as well. You know, we can ground by just connecting to the breath, breathing and feeling what it feels like in our bodies, breathing in and feeling the breath within our nose, entering our lungs, feeling our chest expand And our abdomen expand and then releasing the air, feeling our abdomen release, And the breath come back up through the body and out through the mouth, allowing yourself to feel the breath And feeling what it feels like as it enters and exits of the body is a great quick grounding exercise. I also talk about the grounding technique 54321, which is you take a moment to identify 5 things you can see, Four things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. By Using this grounding technique, you are connecting back to the senses, and you're connecting back to your body, and you are slowing down and exiting the mind and entering your body. And so I find this to be a really helpful quick grounding exercise as well. I also wanna offer something I've done to take care of my energy. That won't be for everybody, but I just can't believe how helpful it's been in my own life.

    Amanda Durocher [00:27:37]:

    So I deactivated my social media a couple weeks ago. So if you've been looking for me over there, I do apologize. I am no longer on social media for the I'm being this may change, but I cannot believe how much better I feel. I had been trying to set boundaries with social media for so long. It Kinda reminds me of when I was trying to give up alcohol. I was trying to figure out how I could drink without giving it up, but it was when I gave it up, I was like, oh, yeah. I really had to give that up. When I gave up social media, it was another like, oh, wow.

    Amanda Durocher [00:28:06]:

    I really just had to give that up. And in the future, I may be able to create boundaries with it. I hope that in the future, I can hire somebody to take over my social media accounts. That just hasn't happened yet, but that would be a dream for me because I feel so much better off social media. And I was as a highly sensitive person, as an empath, always picking up energy from social media. You're on TikTok, and you're watching something funny, And then you're watching something and you're learning, and then you're watching something funny, and then you're watching somebody scream, and you're like, wait. What? I just felt that in my body. Then you're watching somebody cry.

    Amanda Durocher [00:28:39]:

    And then you're watching somebody yell, and then you're watching something funny. And it was so unnerving for my body to have so much input all the time. And it also had me fall into comparison mode all the time. Going on social media just always made me feel like I wasn't doing enough. And And since being off social media, I'm like, oh my god. I am doing enough. I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. I'm focused on the things that I'm supposed to be doing.

    Amanda Durocher [00:29:03]:

    So many story ideas have been coming to me. I felt like I was having writer's block before exiting social media. I actually exited social media because I needed to focus on writing my memoir, But I have had so many really cool story ideas come to me, and it's because I was filling my boredom with social media because, Again, I didn't have boundaries around it, and I couldn't figure out how to. Just like drinking, I couldn't figure out how to boundaries with it. I had to give it up. That was my journey. If If you can have boundaries with these things, god bless you. That's amazing.

    Amanda Durocher [00:29:32]:

    I couldn't. So I gave it up, and, oh my god, I feel so much better. I can't tell you. I just feel so much better. And as an empath, it just feels so good for me to spend more time in my energy and less time in random people on the Internet's energy. You know? But I did wanna mention that here, 1, because it was so helpful in my own life. And 2, if you have been looking for me on social media, I do apologize for leaving it. I am always available through email.

    Amanda Durocher [00:29:53]:

    The one thing that kept me on social media was for so long is that I love speaking with the new view advice community. I would message with people, and people would tell me what they thought of the podcast and things like that. And, unfortunately, I'm an emailer girl. You wanna chat? Let's Get on email. I know for some young people, that's probably archaic, but I do just have to respect myself and set that boundary for myself that I'm not a social media girl. And I hope that I can figure out how to have this podcast without it or that I can find somebody to support me in that because, like I said, I just feel so much better. Anyways, that was a bit of a tangent, but I wanted to share it because I think that, for me, what I found through leaving social media is that the gut feeling I had that it wasn't serving me was right. But I kept having all these fears about what it would mean for my business if I left social media and that nobody would find my podcast and all these things.

    Amanda Durocher [00:30:41]:

    But, wow, do I feel better? So I had to trust that. I have to trust that people will find me without it or that I'll find somebody to support me through my social media hiatus. So, anyways, that moves me into number 3, which is to set boundaries. And it's a great segue because I had to set boundaries with social media. I had to remove it from my life, and you may have to set boundaries with a person or with a thing in your own life. And we talk a lot about setting boundaries here on the Nuvia advice podcast because I think that setting boundaries is an important part of life. It's really important to learn how to set boundaries. Many of us have I've never learned how to set boundaries, and it can be really uncomfortable and scary to set boundaries.

    Amanda Durocher [00:31:14]:

    So that's the reason we talk about it a lot here on the podcast. And I want you to begin viewing When you are setting boundaries this holiday season, I want you to view it as you are protecting your energy rather than trying to keep out somebody else's energy. I think as people pleasers, we can feel bad setting boundaries. So often I hear, but I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings, or what if they get mad at me, or it feels really scary. And when setting boundaries, we're doing it out of love for ourselves. Trust yourself. You may not be able to put into words how someone or something makes you feel, But if you feel like it's not serving you, then you need to set a boundary. And it's not set it and forget it.

    Amanda Durocher [00:31:55]:

    You can set it and change it later, or you may need to rearticulate or reexamine this boundary. It's not a boundary is a forever thing. It's that right now In the present moment, you need to set a boundary, and you're allowed to change it anytime you want. For me in my life, so many times it takes me setting a boundary for me to begin to See clearly. A lot of times, I need to disengage from someone or something such as social media in order for me to see how much it wasn't serving me. When we become enmeshed, which is when you see that pink bubble you got and you see a different color bubble, I'm gonna give social media like a rainbow bubble, When they become intertwined, so my bubble overlaps, and I lose my pink bubble. And it's like the pinky murkiness is combined with the rainbow ness, and I lose myself in it. To me, that's what being enmeshed looks like.

    Amanda Durocher [00:32:43]:

    And so sometimes we have to fully disengage from something or someone in order to just get our own bearings, our sense of self again, and to see what needs to change within that relationship or with that thing and if we want to bring it back into our life. I love this quote by author Brene Brown that is daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. The way other people react to us setting boundaries tells us some truth about the relationship. If someone leaves you or gets mad at you for setting a boundary, that doesn't make you wrong for setting it. It tells you you were right. I've had friends leave my life after trying to set boundaries that were never meant to end friendships. And through that experience, it hurts, but I get to see the reality of the situation that the relationship really wasn't serving me. Because if the relationship cannot exist without that boundary that I need to protect myself, that I need to love myself, and that relationship really isn't serving me.

    Amanda Durocher [00:33:37]:

    You know, I think I've talked about this Example before, but I had a friend last year who we used to voice message, and I found it really unhelpful for me. I found that they complained a lot through these voice messages, And there's something about voice messages rather than text messages that are just really difficult for my energy. And so I said, hey. Like, I I can talk on the phone. I can see you in person. I can text. I just can't voice message anymore. I never heard from this person again.

    Amanda Durocher [00:33:58]:

    We never spoke again. And that was so hard for me because I was never trying to end the relationship, But what I see now is that person just used me to dump their feelings. They just wanted somebody to complain to and somebody to throw kind of burdens on, And for so long, I played that role. I would respond all kind and honoring their feelings, and I would rarely share about myself because I wasn't comfortable sharing through voice messages. And the relationship was way too much of me giving and receiving none. And when I set the boundary, I realized the person didn't want to give and receive. They just wanted to receive. And, again, it was heartbreaking, but it showed me the reality of the situation rather than the denial I had been living in that we were equals.

    Amanda Durocher [00:34:39]:

    We weren't equals. I was putting this person above myself, above my own needs by people pleasing. So when setting boundaries, I want you to practice saying no to things you don't wanna do and also saying yes to things you do want to do. If there's something you love to do around the holidays, do it even if you have to do it alone. Set boundaries around your joy. We wanna view boundaries as protecting ourselves and protecting our joy this holiday season. If you want to feel joy this holiday season, that is up to you to figure out what would allow you to feel joyful and happy and to set boundaries around that and protect it. Your energy is precious.

    Amanda Durocher [00:35:16]:

    It deserves to be protected. I had this mantra come to me a few months ago that's coming to mind, which is Life is a gift. It deserves to be protected. Alright? I think a lot of people forget this. Your happiness, your life, your energy, these are gifts. Your human experience is a gift. It may not always feel like it. Damn do I know that.

    Amanda Durocher [00:35:38]:

    But it is. It's a gift. It's a gift to be here. It's a gift to get to know yourself. It's a gift to love yourself in human form. If we wanna get big perspective here, I I believe that we're souls having a human experience. And when we come to Earth, we forget that. We forget how powerful we are, how loved we are, how connected to the divine we are.

    Amanda Durocher [00:36:01]:

    And it's the journey through human form to remember that, to find our ways back to love through suffering. And the more we connect back, it doesn't have to be through suffering. I hope some people are just able to remember that connection. But for so many of us, it's through the trauma, through the healing journey, that we remember our power, our happiness, and our divinity, our sovereignty, our freedom. And all of that, As you cultivate that, as you come back to yourself, deserves to be protected by you. If you're listening to this episode, my guess is that the people pleasing isn't working the way it used too. You're not able to shove yourself down the way you used to. Amazing.

    Amanda Durocher [00:36:36]:

    That means you're growing. That means you're changing. That means that you see your worth. That means that you see how valuable your time and your energy is. And because of this, because you are seeing your worth and you're changing and you're growing, it's important to protect Your energy and protect this and protect yourself throughout the holiday season. You know, we don't have endless energy. If we did, we'd be able to do everything, but we can't. So I view it as a glass.

    Amanda Durocher [00:36:59]:

    View it as a glass of water. Some days, that glass is overflowing. Other days, that glass is empty, and it's our job through self care, taking care of our energy and taking care of ourselves to fill that glass up. And when it's overflowing, we can give more to others. But when it's on empty, it's our responsibility to fill it back up and and to prioritize ourselves. So it's really important for you to continue to take care of you this holiday season. And this leads me into number 4. Number 4 is to notice any patterns that arise or times you find yourself becoming overwhelmed throughout the holiday season.

    Amanda Durocher [00:37:28]:

    So I invite you to begin noticing your energy and your emotions this holiday season. Right? So you're not gonna get it all purposed. You're never gonna not be triggered by anything. You're never going to never feel overwhelmed or stressed. It's about beginning to notice those moments you feel overwhelmed and stressed. Oh, I'm feeling stressed here. Can I take back, or what's going on? Oh, I'm feeling overwhelmed here. Can I Say no to something, or do I feel like I have to push through this? Why do I feel like I have to push through this? What is triggering me? What do I struggle to say no to? Who challenges my boundaries this year? You know? It's about beginning to bring that awareness to yourself and the patterns you're playing within your relationships and also to just begin to notice that energy.

    Amanda Durocher [00:38:07]:

    Right? So that cup I mentioned, you may not even know what it feels like when it's full, when it's half full, and when it's empty. That's a practice to begin to understand what a full cup feels like and what an empty cup feels like and what it feels like when you are Getting depleted. Right? Many times, we don't wanna have a fully empty cup, so it's important for us to begin connecting to our bodies and connecting to ourselves. So through awareness, you'll begin to notice yourself this holiday season. And my last piece of advice is, number 5, is to offer yourself grace and compassion this holiday season. As I said, you're not going to be perfect. We never are, and it's important to be kind to yourself. The holidays is a season of grace.

    Amanda Durocher [00:38:49]:

    Remember to focus on what the holidays mean to you and how you wanna feel, which is likely loved, filled with grace, to beauty and, as you mentioned, joy. Remember that as we wrap up the end of the year, it's important to slow down and become intentional. Winter is a season of reflection, and a big part of reflection is kindness. We wanna be honest with ourselves, but kind as we do it. People pleasing is so often rooted in childhood beliefs and experiences, And we do not heal from being people pleasers overnight. It takes time. This has come up for me time and time again and continues to come up for me. Big part of prioritizing myself is being kind to myself.

    Amanda Durocher [00:39:24]:

    I am never going to stop people pleasing if I'm beating myself up. I am never going to put myself first if I'm meaner to myself than to everyone else. I have to be my own best friend. I have to be my inner mother, my inner Father, I have to be the most loving person to myself in order to recover from people pleasing because I have to remember my worth and my enoughness, and that requires being kind to myself. I can't beat it into myself. I can't punish myself enough that all of a sudden I'm worthy. It's through releasing myself of the punishments. It's through the releasing myself of the self hatred.

    Amanda Durocher [00:40:02]:

    It's by being kind to myself that I remember my own worth. So often, what gets me back to the present is this self compassion, being kind to myself for getting lost, and then that helps me come back to my center. So I hope something here was helpful. I am wishing you a beautiful and joyful holiday season. Or if you're listening to this outside the holiday season, I still think there's a lot of great information here, and I am wishing you a beautiful day. May you give yourself the gift of you and your own self love this holiday season? Thank you so much for this question. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. Today, we talked about how to survive the holiday season as a people pleaser and empath.

    Amanda Durocher [00:40:44]:

    My suggestions are to practice self care, take care of your energy, set boundaries, begin to notice patterns, and Offer yourself grace and compassion.

    I also wanna mention here that if you'd like some additional support throughout the holiday season or throughout your life, I I offer 1 on 1 sessions and would love to assist you on your healing journey. I love connecting with different members of the New View Advice community and creating safe spaces where we get to dive deep together on your healing journey. For everyone who has booked a session, it's been an honor to be part of your healing journey. It is very much a privilege and an honor for me to witness you in your healing. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of new view advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love.

    See you next time.

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