73: How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship after Trust is Broken: Healing After Hurting Loved Ones and How to Forgive Yourself
How do we forgive ourselves when we betray someone else's trust? How do we heal the feelings of anger, resentment, and self-judgement? How do we learn to trust ourselves again?
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In this episode, I answer two questions about how to rebuild trust in relationships and also with ourselves. I also discuss the importance of self-care when we are healing from hurting loved ones and why it is important to become self-aware regarding our actions. I also give a life-update at the beginning of the episode for anyone interested in what I've been up to between seasons 2 and 3.
Recommended Episode 🎙️
Timestamps ⏱️
Intro: 00:15
Life Update: 2:27
Question One: 13:52
Question Two: 33:07
Outro: 45:48
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hi, beautiful souls. This is Amanda Durocher, and welcome back to New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. It is not my intention to give you all the answers. It's my intention to guide you back to your own heart, and to offer a new view on whatever you may be going through.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:32]:
Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode. Today, we are discussing trust. And many times, we talk about how to rebuild trust after someone has hurt us. But what do we do, and how do we heal if we are the ones who broke the trust and hurt someone we loved? So today, I'll be answering 2 questions from listeners who are looking for advice on rebuilding their relationship after they were the ones who broke the trust in their relationships. I'll be offering advice on how to heal from broken trust, as well as how to forgive ourselves after we hurt someone we loved. If you haven't listened already, episode 67 is a great place to start for this conversation about trust. In episode 67, I really dive into what trust is and how we build trust. So I'm going to be working off that episode.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:21]:
So if you haven't listened, I recommend you listen to episode 67 after this episode, or you can put this 1 on pause and go check out that episode first. But in that episode, I really focus on 2 questions from listeners who had their trust broken. And as I mentioned, today, we're gonna be focusing on What do we do when we broke the trust, and how do we forgive ourselves? So my intention for today's episode is to help you to understand trust better, to offer advice on how to connect back to yourself and forgive yourself if you find yourself in a situation where you broke somebody's trust and where you may have hurt somebody and also to offer you compassion and grace for wherever you are at on your healing journey because we are human, And we are not perfect, and life is about learning lessons and learning how to bring consciousness and awareness into our everyday lives. And so many of us live unconsciously and on a program of childhood patterns, so many of the mistakes we make, we're not actually sure why we made these mistakes. So it's important for us to heal and to look at ourselves and to offer ourselves forgiveness. So my intention is to help you with that. Before we jump into today's episode, I just wanted to talk a bit about the break between season 2 and season 3 and what I've been up to and some healings I had in my own life. And if you're not interested in my life update, no worries.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:39]:
Check the description below, and you can check the time stamps and fast forward to when I start answering question 1. But I took a break from the podcast. So whenever in time you're listening to this, you may be listening to this when this episode first comes out or in the future. But I took about a 2 month break from the podcast. And I took this break because I was feeling super burnt out, and I was doing a lot of my own inner healing. The truth is over the past year so from September 2022 to September 2023, it was probably one of the hardest years of my life. I looked at some things in my life that I'm not gonna really dive into today, but I will in future episodes. But I looked at the hardest things that have ever happened to me.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:20]:
I looked at the most disturbing, the most heinous things that I've experienced, and it was a really hard year. Before this year, I had come to terms with things I had survived, but I hadn't sat with everything. And I, over this past year, really allowed it all to come up. Truth is it didn't really feel like a choice. It kind of was haunting me over this past year. I mention This is because I've spoken with a lot of people in 1 on 1 sessions who just feel like, oh my god. Like, what's happening this year? I seem to just be Hitting obstacle after obstacle or I've been having all these memories come back, and I can't put them down. And I can't shut them down the way I used to.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:00]:
So I personally think that there's something collectively going on where there's a lot coming up that's been buried for a while, and this is happening for a lot of people actively. So if you've been experiencing something similar, you are not alone. But over the past 2 months, I spent 1 month in Colorado driving around different national parks and connecting back to nature. And it was so healing for my heart to spend time in nature, And the message nature just kept giving me was that life is about love. My podcast and all my creations are my active love and that everything is alright. And over this past year, it really didn't feel like everything was alright. It felt like everything was not okay, And I had to allow myself to feel that everything wasn't okay for as long as I needed to feel that everything wasn't okay. And with that not okay feeling, memories would arise, feelings would arise, situations, triggers.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:59]:
And I would sit with them, and I would journal about them, and I would talk about them in therapy, and I would process them through all the tools I talk about on this podcast. It was all a lot of inner work. It was all very isolating. I did a lot of this work on my own. I didn't really connect with people over the past year because this year was about me. It was about Amanda connecting with Amanda and embodying what it is like to be my own best friend. And at the end of my trip, I had this big Insight that one of my core wounds was that I was holding on to this feeling, and I felt it in my solar plexus.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:35]:
I always ask people on the podcast to connect to where they feel these beliefs in their body. Mine was in my solar plexus, which is below the heart space and above the belly button. This belief that I am wrong. And since that, it has felt so freeing to See how this belief I am wrong has put this filter over my entire life and how I have internalized this feeling of wrongness in so many areas of my life. Am I doing my podcast wrong? Is my body wrong? Is My creativity wrong? Am I wrong for not having a classic 9 to 5 job? Am I wrong in my relationship? Am I wrong in my friendships? Am I wrong? This belief of wrongness has plagued me for my entire life, and this was a very deep rooted belief that I picked up at a very young age. And I share that because I feel like so many people carry around this feeling of wrongness, this feeling that I am wrong. And I think that goes hand in hand with I am not enough, and I am unworthy, this feeling of just being wrong. And I just want to tell you that you are not wrong, and Nothing you have ever done is wrong, and I think that's really pertinent for this episode because that's the perspective I'm gonna be taking with these questions.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:59]:
It doesn't mean we don't need to take responsibility for our actions, but it doesn't make you wrong. You know, one of the places I was deeply holding this wrongness was that I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for about 15 years, and I felt so wrong for that. It felt like there was something wrong with me. And anytime I tried to talk about it, I was hit with other people's beliefs that that was wrong. And I've come to a point in my life where Because of the trauma I survived, those thoughts were a symptom of that. They were a symptom. And the less I judge them, The more I was able to offer them love and grace, the more I was able to see that when those thoughts arise, I needed to drop everything and give myself a lot of self care. I needed to understand that those were real feelings I had because of the trauma I survived, specifically in my teen years, which was a group sexual assault and rape for anybody who's new here.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:59]:
But there was nothing wrong with me for those thoughts. Nothing wrong. Just a symptom of what I survived, and there's nothing wrong with me now. There was nothing wrong with me then. I didn't do anything to create that experience. I didn't ask for it in any way. And from that experience and from other experiences and from my childhood and from Beliefs instilled in me by my parents, I have acted in ways that I do not act anymore. I'd say ways I regret, but I don't really live with regrets at this point.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:30]:
I just understand that every action I make, it's from where I am in that moment and the beliefs I'm carrying in that moment and the pain I'm carrying in that moment and that I'm not wrong for any of it. And you're not wrong for the choices you've made either. That's one area in my life I saw this wrongness. I also saw where I was playing out this wrong pattern in some relationships and where I was so debilitating and so self critical and so self doubting that I let some people walk all over me. And At this point in my life, that was humbling to see that I was still playing out that pattern, that I was still playing small, that I was still shrinking myself and changing myself to make other people comfortable. And it was really healing for me to see that, and it was healing for me to see that that came from I was afraid of being wrong in that relationship, and I was afraid that being my full authentic self was wrong because that was a belief I carried from a very young age. That if I was to be my Amanda, authentic self who loves to be creative, who loves to share insights, who loves to just dance with life, Like, that is what I have come to is that I am happiest when I am dancing with life. I'm a human design reflector.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:48]:
If you're not into human design, that will mean nothing to you. But if you're into human design, I'm a reflector, which means a very small percentage of the population, but I thrive when I'm surprised, which really to me is when I'm dancing with life, when I allow life to surprise me, when I allow my curiosity to move me, and life shows me how wonderful it is. And I was really disconnected from that over the past year because the only surprises I got were things I had to process that were really, really difficult. And it's been such a joy, and it was such a privilege and an honor to myself to take the time off I did to really allow myself to go within and give myself what I needed and to give myself the space to allow These really big insights to come up. So I share all that because that will be the perspective I'm taking this season with the podcast that we're not wrong, And we're always enough, and we're always worthy. And I'm super excited, and it's just such an honor to be here. And for anybody who's new here, Welcome. And for the longtime listeners who have been with me for months or years, thank you.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:59]:
Thank you for witnessing me throughout this journey. Thank you for being patient with me as I figure out how to Show up to this in a consistent way. Thank you for your support. Thank you for everyone who has ever written me an email, A direct message or booked a 1 on 1 session and told me how this podcast has impacted you and helped you along your healing journey, It is impossible for me to put into words how much your support has helped me support you. It's like this infinity loop of support where Your support of me allowed me to show up for you during some of my darkest times, and it's just such an honor to be on this journey with you. I am so grateful for everyone who reaches out because for a long time, it was so hard for me to believe all the kind words people said. And, gosh, it's just I feel like I'm gonna cry. I just wanna say thank you.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:54]:
Thank you to anybody who listens and anybody who's here with me right now. And I will continue to unpack the many insights I had over the last year with you throughout this season. I'm still unpacking them myself. Many times when we begin healing, when we allow memories up, When we process our feelings, there's an integration stage, and there's a period of time where we just Have to allow this new way of being to be, and that's where I am right now. I am learning what this new Amanda is like, And she's happy for, like, the first time in a long time and doesn't feel bad about it, and it's pretty cool. So I'm just really excited to bring this new self to you because the work is hard. The inner work is hard. It's grueling at times.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:48]:
It is like an uphill climb, but it is worth it. Because what you will find And what I'm sure you have found, especially if you've been doing this for a while, which is why you keep coming back and keep doing it and Keep diving deeper into your soul is that what you are finding within yourself is inner freedom and liberation. Freedom from your negative thinking. Freedom from the beliefs of someone else. Freedom of the patterns and the programming of our families. Freedom from the layers of you that were never you. That is what healing does. It brings us back to ourselves and to the authenticity of us and the uniqueness of us.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:33]:
And that's really freaking cool. So, anyways, I just wanted to share a bit of that with anyone who is interested, But let's jump on into question 1 and diving deep into trust and how to forgive ourselves when we break someone's trust.
QUESTION 1
The worst possible scenario happened a week ago. I am active duty, and my wife is active duty as well. We are part because of the military, and she'll be where I am in September. I I made a huge mistake. I was feeling frisky 1 night and was scrolling on Reddit and came across a subreddit that was intriguing. All I wanted was to get a release through photos.
The stranger on the other end asked for my WhatsApp information so they could send me photos. I ended up sending an inappropriate picture for a rating. It ended up being a blackmail, and the recipient took screenshots and threatened to send them to my wife. Obviously, I didn't want that to happen, so I sent money. But I ran out of funds, and she Still sent a screenshot to my wife. I told my wife first thing that I messed up really bad. I feel so angry and resentful towards myself, and I'm in therapy now working through my issues. I know I had an unhealthy relationship with porn already, and I should have seeked out for help before I ended up sending an inappropriate photo to some stranger on Reddit.
My wife knew I watched porn, and she was okay with that. I love my wife so much, and I don't want it to end over 1 penis picture sent to a random person. I didn't want any conversation or anything with this stranger. I guess my question is, why did I do this? I'm trying to understand and forgive myself. I just feel so much anger towards myself. What can I be doing to earn my wife's trust back?
Thank you so much for this question. I am so sorry for the hard time you are currently navigating and that you feel like the worst possible scenario has happened. I know this was a hard experience, and I'm so sorry that this happened and that All of this culminated in this one really hard experience.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:27]:
Unfortunately, I think sometimes that's what happens for a lot of us is that we're going down a path that is not in alignment with who we are, and it feels like we get whacked by the universe. It's like, oh my gosh. This is the worst thing ever. Why did this happen? But I want to assure you that nothing happens that is not for us. So beginning to view this situation as why did this happen for me, not why did this happen to me, is a very empowering way to begin viewing our lives. And I also believe that sometimes the hardest things that happen onto our life have the opportunity for the most expansion and transformation. And this is a really hard lesson, but I believe that there are lessons in there and that as you continue to dive deeper into yourself, you will come out the other end of this really difficult experience as a new version of yourself who doesn't have this anger and resentment towards yourself because those are two really hard feelings to feel at anyone, including ourselves. I also wanna thank you for writing this question because I think there's a lot of people who can relate to similar experiences.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:32]:
And I know that you're not the only one to experience something like this, so I thank you for allowing us the chance to discuss this here. So first, I wanna talk about the anger and resentment you feel towards yourself. And I'm happy to hear that you're in therapy, and I hope that this is helpful for you along your healing journey and that you're able to process this because I have a feeling there's a lot to unpack here. It's not just 1 belief or 1 pattern. My guess is there's a lot to be unpacked here. And I think that feeling anger and resentment towards oneself is very normal when we make mistakes, and it sounds to me like you're disappointed in yourself and the situation. And I think that when we experience disappointment, anger and resentment are very normal feelings to arise. My guess is that you're angry and resentful at yourself, but you're also angry at the person who sent your wife photos.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:19]:
You're angry at the situation. You may be feeling that this is unfair. Why is this happening? You may even feel as though you're being punished or that the world is ending. I mentioned all this because your feelings are valid. I think you're angry and resentful with yourself because this Fearances is not how you see yourself as a person. It is not aligned with you and who you aspire to be and how you see yourself. So for example, you mentioned having a porn problem and that you should have sought help sooner. This could definitely Sit anger with yourself because you are likely saying to yourself something like, I knew I had a problem.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:55]:
I shoulda gotten help sooner, or I should have known better. And the problem with this kind of thinking is that we can't change the past and we can't control the future. We can only take each moment from where we are, And I invite you to be kind with yourself because kindness and compassion create safety within ourselves, which allows us to see the truth of the situation. Jin. So as I mentioned in the intro, if you listen to it, that I have been looking at the wrongness I have felt, and I feel that in this question too. Like, I am wrong for this situation. I did something wrong. And the truth is as you continue to heal, it doesn't mean you didn't make a mistake.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:33]:
It doesn't mean you can't take Responsibility. But you will see that you weren't wrong for your actions because your actions had a root. Your Actions were likely a coping strategy for deeper rooted pain and beliefs. And so you're not wrong for the way you act. Doesn't mean we don't have to take responsibility. There are just cause and effect and consequences for our actions. It doesn't make us wrong. Right? That's also a shame teaching.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:01]:
So shame is when we internalize that we are bad, that we are wrong. Right? Instead of I did something wrong, it's saying I am wrong. That is shame. And so I invite you to be kind with yourself throughout this healing process because my guess is there's an inner child within you who's been carrying a lot of pain for a very long time and deserves to have that witnessed and has likely felt ashamed, wrong, not enough, whatever beliefs you tell yourself for a very long time. And when we begin to allow our inner children up so that part of our consciousness that is still carrying the wounding of our childhood, It's a process where, 1, we have to be kind to ourselves, 2, create safety within us, and that kindness will help you to create safety within yourself, And 3, be patient with ourselves. So many people wanna rush the healing journey. They're like, oh my god. Why am I still playing out these patterns in my relationship? Why am I still in this job I hate? Why am I still unhappy? We have to understand that We are healing from often decades of pain that is not healed overnight.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:18]:
It is decades of pain, and sometimes the pain we're carrying is to ancestral pain, and that means that there are patterns that have been passed down through our family structures. And so a belief you carry, your mother may carry, and her mother may have carried and so on. And that takes time. We are healing our past, and it takes It's time, and we deserve the time and patience with ourselves. I just wanna say that because you're feeling that anger and resentment. And the more you create that safety within yourself, the easier this process will be for you. So my 1st piece of advice is to bring awareness to yourself. And you asked, Why did you do this? And I don't know the answer to that.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:58]:
Only you do. And the answer to that question will be different for everyone in your situation or a similar situation. So I invite you to become really curious with yourself. Questions you can begin asking yourself are when did you start watching porn? Has porn been a part of all your relationships? How do you feel about yourself before you watch porn? How do you feel about yourself after you watch porn? What triggers you to watch porn or engage in seeking release through photos? Many times it can be stress or negative thinking, hard days, feeling rejected, feeling overwhelmed, feeling criticized. Allow yourself to become really curious with why you do this. Not judgmental, curious. Curiosity has that compassion with it. It's more neutral.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:39]:
It's objective. Judgment would be attaching in a belief to whatever you discover. Curiosity will allow you to just continue to ask yourself questions to get to know yourself better. It sounds like you want to know the answers to these questions, but my guess is you're beating yourself up and being judgmental, which, like I said, makes it hard for you to understand why you did this. I truly believe curiosity is the key to self awareness. When we are curious with ourselves, we invite Understanding compassion and self love and telling yourself it's okay, but you want to heal and change will help you to release the judgments that are likely keeping you stuck in a negative thought cycle. And I also have episode 56, how to overcome a negative thought cycle, which may be helpful for you as well. It's a very short episode.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:24]:
I think it's about 10 minutes. Okay. So next, I want to talk about self forgiveness. So you mentioned trying to understand and forgive yourself, and forgiveness comes with time and letting go of the past. So how do we do this when we did something we regret? We offer ourselves compassion, and we begin to understand why we did what we did. When we get to the why, when we get to the root, we are able to release the judgments we are holding on to because we Stand why we acted that way. Many times, we are so ashamed that we don't look at why we did the things we did because we're afraid of what we'll find. Because many of the roots of why we do the behaviors that we can regret are very difficult to look at.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:14]:
As I mentioned in the intro, I spent the past year looking at the hardest things I've ever survived, and that was really, really difficult. It's true. It was so hard for me to look at what I lived through, the beliefs I created from it. It was so hard for me to look at what I went through as a teenager. So for me, I experienced group rape. And from that instant so that was one moment in time. It had this Devastating ripple effect on my entire teenage years. So I ended up in an abusive relationship.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:46]:
I didn't feel safe in any relationships. I was bullied by girls. I played out really harmful patterns with other boys, and I Created a very, very scary world for my teenage self. And through that one experience, a very scary and traumatic world was created where trauma after trauma after trauma happened from a ripple effect of this experience I had. And I share that because as I looked at that over the past year, as I peeled back the layers, I began to understand myself so freaking deeply. And as I mentioned in the intro too, I realized that I'm not wrong for any of my actions or the way I've acted. It's just been an effect of what I've survived. It's just been an effect of not having understood the roots and not understanding why I lived with certain thought patterns, certain beliefs, certain coping strategies.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:42]:
And so forgiveness happens naturally when we are able to release ourselves of the chains that the past is holding us to. And I wish that we could just say, oh, I forgive the past, and it was done. But the truth is that you deserve to have all your pain witnessed. You deserve to see yourself fully. That's the human journey is to see yourself. So many of us are dying for other people to see us. We get in these relationships, and we are triggered by our partners not seeing us. We're in friendships, and we become desperate to be seen.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:19]:
Or some people take up the whole room being like, look at me. Look at me, and don't make room to see other people because they secretly do not feel seen themselves. The healing journey is a journey home to self, connecting with yourself, and seeing yourself fully with the eyes of love. And it's all about understanding yourself better, and we keep ourselves from that out of fear that what we'll find, we won't be able to forgive. But I encourage you to go to those dark places because what you will find is that there's nothing you can do to you that is unforgivable to you. It is painful, but the more you get to know yourself, the freer you will become. And I think the truth is we all think we're looking for something, but what we're really looking for is freedom. We're looking to feel free.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:11]:
Free in our bodies, free in our minds, free in our hearts, free to be who we wanna be, and free to say what we wanna say and free. We're looking for freedom. And so Though this work is hard, though self forgiveness can feel impossible, it is not. As somebody who has carried so much self guilt, So much self criticism and so much self doubt. I can tell you it is possible to forgive yourself. And if the word forgiveness doesn't feel good to you, consider it release. It's possible to release yourself of the past. It's possible to release.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:44]:
It's possible to let go and to free yourself. Right? I consider freeing ourselves the same thing as forgiveness. I consider letting go of the past the same thing as forgiveness. Choose the language that feels good to you. If the word forgiveness doesn't jive with you, all good. Figure out what you're looking for. And if that's freedom, ask yourself what you need to see, what you need to become aware of, what you need to look at in order to free yourself. I hope that makes sense.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:12]:
So as I mentioned, in order to forgive ourselves, we Offer ourselves compassion. We remind ourselves that we are not perfect and that life can be really hard, and we're doing the best we can. And oftentimes, that's really messy looking. And as I mentioned, self forgiveness comes when we understand many of our beliefs are rooted in the past. So be kind to yourself and begin to become curious about your childhood, about your teen years, about when you first joined the military. Begin asking yourself when you developed beliefs around sex, what is your belief around sex, around intimacy, around your body? I think all of that is going to be rooted in this. So I don't know what the pain is that you're, in my mind, running from, and this experience is gonna bring you head on with fit. That's what these hard experiences often do.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:01]:
That's why they can be the most transformative is that oftentimes we were running from ourselves, and these really hard Experiences, boom, bring you face to face with yourself. You have to look yourself in the mirror and ask, how did I get here? And not with judgment, with honesty. How did I get here? I feel so out of alignment. I'm feeling angry. What is this anger telling me? It's telling me that I have been out of alignment for a long time. Self, what do I need to see? And We do that through journaling, through meditating, through time in nature, through however you can quiet your mind and connect back to yourself. So I feel like that might have been a lot, but I hope something in there was helpful. For the last piece of your question, what can you do to earn your wife's trust back? I recommend episode 67 if you haven't already listened because in this episode, I talk a lot about how trust c 7 if you haven't already listened because in this episode, I talk a lot about how trust is built over time.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:56]:
And so I think when rebuilding trust in a relationship, it's important to communicate clearly, To understand that rebuilding trust takes time, so be patient with yourself and your partner and continue working on yourself. I think that often when rebuilding trust, Actions speak louder than words. So we live in a world filled with false promises, outright lies, and deceit. I think that so many people lie to themselves, so they're comfortable lying to others. You know, I've come to understand that I like truth. I like honesty. I like people to be as truthful as possible, So I consider small lies a lie. For example, I had this conversation with my partner the other day where we go to the gym and sometimes we'll go to lunch after.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:39]:
So We'll shower at the gym. And every time I come out of the locker room, he's waiting for me, and I'm like, have you been waiting a while? And he's like, no. I just got here. That happens every time that I was finally like, alright. Be honest with me. How long do you sit out here? And he's like, yeah. It's usually, like, 15, 20 minutes. And I was like, you need to be honest with me.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:58]:
I don't hurry up because I'm trusting that you have been just getting there, And you need to be honest with me. It's a small lie. He was just saying it so that I wouldn't feel bad. But for me, at this point in my life, I'm like, I need you to be honest. I may still take 15 to 20 minutes, but I want honesty here. I can't change my actions or how long it takes me in the locker room if you're not honest with me. And if you're being dishonest with me here to make me feel better, what other times throughout a relationship are you being dishonest in hopes that it'll make me feel better? That doesn't feel good to me. So we talked about it, and now he's very honest about how long he's been waiting for me when I'm in the locker room.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:38]:
And it's a small example, but I think that this version of lying is very common. We are a little deceitful here and there in order to manage situations, in order to make somebody feel better, or in order to keep them from feeling bad, or in order to maybe keep ourselves comfortable. And so when rebuilding trust, it's really important to just be honest, to reset these patterns where we can fall into small lies. Because my partner was like, that's not lying to you. He didn't view that as lying. But to me, it felt like lies because it was dishonest. And so I think that when rebuilding trust, transparency, and honesty are really important. And that's why actions speak louder than words too because when we're leading up to a point in a relationship where trust is broken, oftentimes, a lot of false promises were made.
Amanda Durocher [00:31:28]:
And so your actions moving forward will speak louder than your words because, like I said, people are deceitful. People aren't always fully honest. Actions don't lie. Actions speak the truth. And so the more your actions can speak for yourself, I think, really helps with rebuilding trust. So if you make a promise keeping that promise and if you're not able to keep that promise, apologizing, taking responsibility, and moving forward. I also think when rebuilding trust, taking responsibility is so important. Do not shift blame.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:00]:
Do not shame yourself. Do not shame your partner. Take responsibility. It can be really vulnerable. It can be really hard to admit our mistakes, but taking responsibility alleviates tension in situations. So often, we're shifting blame back and forth in relationships. And when somebody just takes responsibility and apologizes, All that tension can just dissipate because that tension can be building because both people don't wanna be blamed for the pain or shamed for the pain. And so just taking responsibility helps to to create safety, which will help you to rebuild trust.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:32]:
Before I wrap up this question, I just wanna say I honor you. I honor your journey. I thank you for your commitment to yourself. Healing isn't easy. If it was, everyone would do it, and the world would look really different. Our commitment to ourselves is the most important commitment we can make, and the more we love ourselves, the more capacity we have to love others. So if you wanna repair your relationship with your partner, I invite you to focus on repairing the relationship with yourself. I really hope something in this answer was helpful. Thank you so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher [00:33:00]:
Question 2
Hi. This would be a really weird question to ask, but I really need help. I recently broke up with my partner because I broke his trust, and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for breaking his trust, which I promised to him and to myself I would never do. I admit that I am not okay and healthy mentally as of the moment, and when I did this mistake, I was not thinking, but I was making decisions out of impulse and emotions. We found out that I am not okay during this relationship, and he tried his best to help me heal. I was not in a good place to really be in a relationship, but we still tried, and I ended up hurting him. My regret is that I already have done wrong just before I realized it.
The damage has been done already. If you're the one who broke someone's trust, how do you forgive yourself and gain and build the trust back of that person? I am truly committed on my healing journey, and I know now that before I enter a new relationship, I should be whole first.
Thank you so much for this question. 1st, I wanna say that this is definitely not a weird question. I think this is a great question. I think there's a lot here we can discuss. And I am so sorry you're going through a challenging time and that you're struggling with your mental health. The first thing I wanna talk about here is the importance of self care.
Amanda Durocher [00:34:19]:
So self care to me is the foundation of the healing journey and the foundation for full and whole body health. When we do not feel good physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, the first thing we wanna remember is to prioritize self care. Many people believe self care is selfish. It is not. It is self loving and self respecting, and self care is so important because giving ourselves what we need is the act of prioritizing ourselves and is the act of nourishing ourselves. And the more we give ourselves self care, the more we give others permission to give themselves self care. And I say this in many episodes, but we can only fill our cup. So our inner cup, I view it as like a chalice in the center of your heart.
Amanda Durocher [00:34:58]:
We can only fill that cup up for others as much as we fill up our own cup first. So I view it as a chalice in the heart, and We fill our own cup up with self care, self love, healing, and spending time with ourselves and giving ourselves what we need. And as that cup fills, it starts to overflow. And as it overflows, it goes out and helps to fill other people's cups. Self care is really important for you because I invite you to make yourself your number one priority right now. You are worthy of your own love and respect, and you deserve your own love and respect. You are such The full soul, you're going through a hard time. I can hear the self judgment in your question and the trying to make it right because I feel like in this question, You felt wrong for what you did.
Amanda Durocher [00:35:42]:
You even used the word wrong in it. And as I keep saying, I think so many of us are carrying that belief of I am wrong. So when situations happen that are challenging, we internalize, I'm wrong. So when we do something that we label as wrong, we identify with that wrongness. You are not wrong. You are beautiful. You are loving. You are enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:36:07]:
You are worthy of love from others and from yourself. And in order to feel that love from others, it will require you feeling it from yourself first. It's just how it works, my friends. And it's important for you to start loving yourself. And the self care is really important because it's going to help you start to build that love with self, that trust with self, and that Forgiveness with self, because you're asking a question about your relationship and how to rebuild and regain trust. And self care is really important because you're gonna be a more loving partner when you're more loving towards yourself. And you loving you will help you to love your partner in a more deep way. So the number one thing I want you to prioritize is self care, and self care can really be anything.
Amanda Durocher [00:36:50]:
It is really what you need, But some suggestions I have are meditation, journaling, exercising, yoga, creating a morning routine, spending time in nature, walking in nature, going for a walk around the block. Maybe you live in a city, and it's harder to get in nature. Just going for a walk, getting outside, taking a bath, getting your nails done, playing a game, going to therapy. If you do not have help on your journey, I invite you to look into someone who could help you during this time. I think especially when we're at the beginning and we're learning how to process our emotions, we're beginning to look at our past, when we're beginning to look at why we do through the things we do, it is really, really helpful to have somebody to help guide us within, guide us back to ourselves. This could be a healer, a coach. I offer 1 on 1 sessions, but I think that finding somebody who feels good to you will be really helpful for you. You do not need to go through this alone, And many times, our partners are not able to give us the support we need during challenging mental health periods.
Amanda Durocher [00:37:51]:
Many of our partners do not have the tools, and it's really hard for them also when we're having hard mental health periods. I know that when I'm struggling mentally. It's hard on my partner. And when he's struggling mentally, it's hard on me. So it's important for us to have people outside of our relationship to assist us through these periods. It's so important for you to feel supported at this time, and I just wanna emphasize for anybody out there, it does not make you weak To ask for help, it makes you strong. We do not know what we do not know, and having someone to talk to will likely assist you greatly at this time. It is a strength to ask for help.
Amanda Durocher [00:38:30]:
It is a strength to ask for what you need. For anyone out there who is taught asking or needing help was a weakness, I am so Sorry. Because we are not meant to go at this world alone. We are meant to be loved and supported and to depend on one another. We cannot be alone and do everything ourselves. We cannot carry the burdens of this world. We have to work in community. We have to support one another.
Amanda Durocher [00:38:55]:
We have to be in service of one another, and we are able to do that when we are able to support ourselves. So sometimes You may not be able to support anybody, and you may need to be lifted up by a few people in your life. But after you start getting even footing, you'll be able to be of service and to support others. So it's a give and take here, and there's no judgment. And it is not weak for you to ask for help. It is strength. You are worthy of support. You are worth supporting.
Amanda Durocher [00:39:22]:
You deserve everything you need to help you throughout this period. So now that I really talked about self care and the importance of self care, I wanna talk about your question. How do you forgive yourself and rebuild the trust back with this person. So as I talked about in the previous question, we rebuild trust through small moments. Trust is something built over time. And And when we break someone's trust, it's our responsibility to rebuild that trust. So I invite you to be compassionate and patient with yourself. Take responsibility for your actions, apologize for your mistakes, and then allow yourself to move forward.
Amanda Durocher [00:39:56]:
Allow yourself to see what you need to see in order to move forward. The more you connect to yourself and understand why you did what you did, it will help you to forgive yourself and heal. And as I talked about previously, I really believe that as you begin to Heal. You will begin to forgive yourself as you begin to understand why you did what you did and release the past and release your limiting beliefs and release the false stories you may be telling yourself, the forgiveness will come naturally. And so self care, practicing rebuilding trust through those small moments. And for you, I wanna emphasize rebuilding trust with yourself. Those small moments I talk about in building trust with others, I really wanna emphasize that's how we build trust with ourselves as well. Right? So how I talked about earlier how actions speak louder than words, That's true with ourselves as well.
Amanda Durocher [00:40:46]:
Many of us lie to ourselves. Right? Are you somebody who's telling yourself, I'm gonna go to the gym 7 days a week and you don't go at all? That's a lie you're telling yourself. How can you reframe that wording so that you're not breaking trust with yourself? You want to create small patterns to help build trust with yourself. And so being honest with yourself, how much can you take on? What do you need right now? And giving yourselves those things you need will help to build trust with yourself. And the more you trust yourself, the more you will show up in relationships as a trustworthy person. So I want you to focus on that self care and that self trust, and that will help to create care in your relationship and trust within your relationship. And before I wrap up this question, I just wanna say, beautiful soul, you're human. You made a mistake.
Amanda Durocher [00:41:32]:
This mistake does not define you, and it will not be your last mistake. You are capable of change. You are worthy of change, and you are worthy of love and support throughout your human journey. I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. I'm so sorry you're struggling mentally. I'm so sorry you're struggling with forgiving yourself. It sounds like you made this mistake when you were in a really hard place, and I invite you to honor that. Be with that.
Amanda Durocher [00:42:00]:
Sit with that. If things haven't been going great for you for a while, what is one thing you can commit to? Be with that. Sit with that. This life can be really hard, And when we don't take the time to look at the hardness and honor it, we often just end up creating more of it. And so I invite you to go slow. Take some time with yourself and be with you. Be with the one hurting within you. As I mentioned in the previous question, it can be really scary to be with that version of ourselves.
Amanda Durocher [00:42:32]:
I know for me over the past year, I spent a lot of time with my teenage self. And when I started that journey, I started going to horse therapy because I knew I needed support, and I find horses to be really grounding. And Being with my teen self was very ungrounding. I would kinda check out any time I thought about my teen years. So I started to go to horse therapy to help me ground. And I remember my 1st session, my therapist asked, why is this so hard for you? And I remember saying, she's just so difficult, and that was my key into myself. I had been telling myself for 15 years that I was difficult. And as I began to sit with that, Where did that come from? Why did I feel that way? People told me I was difficult.
Amanda Durocher [00:43:23]:
Dang. That's hard. Why did they tell me I was difficult? Well, I was an emotional teenager. I did act out. I was rebellious. But why did I do those things? Well, when I was 14, I was raped by a group of 4 boys. Yeah. That would create a rebellious teen.
Amanda Durocher [00:43:42]:
That would create a really hurt teenager who would then act out, who then chose some coping strategies that weren't healthy, but had No regard for her life because she experienced an experience, or a group of her peers didn't have a regard for her life and nearly killed her. So, yeah, she was a little difficult, but it all came from a very real place. And it was all very much a response to a real experience. So all the ways I acted out in my teen years and that was labeled by difficult, by family members, by my parents, by teachers was all because I experienced a very difficult experience, and I didn't have the tools to heal from that. There was nobody at that time who I trusted and who was trustworthy, who would help me through it. So I went at life the best I could with the tools I had. I look at my teen years, and I learned most of my actions from television and movies. It's a little terrifying if I'm honest.
Amanda Durocher [00:44:47]:
But I give that example because From that place, I was rebellious. I made a lot of mistakes. I wasn't the best person to be around, but I had a lot of pain. I had a lot of pain to sit with. I had a lot of pain that needed to be healed. I just say that because for you, I believe that there are reasons you have done what you have done. They are all forgivable, and they're all rooted in very real painful experiences. And that it's safe for you to begin diving into those.
Amanda Durocher [00:45:19]:
It's safe for you to begin looking at those, and it's safe for you to come home to yourself. And I invite you to offer yourself kindness, patience, and compassion throughout this time. Because through patience, kindness, and compassion, you will begin building that trust with yourself, which will help you not only through this journey, but throughout the rest of your life. Thank you so much for this question. I am sending you so much Thank you so much for listening to this episode of newbie advice. As always, I am so grateful to be able to have these conversations with you and to be able to guide you throughout the human journey. Thank you for having this conversation about trust. I think it is so relevant in present day.
Amanda Durocher [00:46:02]:
So thank you again. If you haven't already, I invite you to follow the podcast wherever you listen to podcasts so you never miss an episode. There are some exciting episodes coming out this season, and I don't want you to miss a thing. So thank you again for joining me for another episode of new view advice. I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Send you all my love. See you next time.
