64: Unrequited Love & Limerence: What’s Unrequited Love & How to Heal from Unrequited Love & Limerence

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May 24

Unrequited love occurs when one person “loves” someone who does not love them back. Unrequited love feels difficult so difficult to heal because there are real feelings of rejection and heartbreak.

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In this episode, I explore the underlying root causes of unrequited love and explain how to heal these hard feelings so that you can embrace the potential for real love in the future. I also answer a listener question from someone who loves a coworker who does not love them back.

Free Resources 📑

Unrequited Love Journal Prompts

Recommended Hypnosis / Meditation (Not Affiliated)

Unrequited Love Mark Tyrrell - Guided meditation

Recommended Episodes 🎙️

Book Recommendation 📚

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self by Dr. Nicole LePera

Learn More about Unrequited Love 🔗

Learn More about Limerence 🔗

Timestamps ⏱️

Introduction 0:00
What is Unrequited Love? 2:49
How to Heal from Unrequited Love? 20:39
Listener Question 28:11

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Speaker A [00:00:00]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hi, beautiful souls, and welcome to New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. Today's topic is unrequited love. And according to Google, unrequited love occurs when one person yearns for unconditional love from another individual who doesn't feel the same way. So essentially, unrequited love is one sided love. And I think that this is a pattern that many people play out. And maybe you've found you've played it out once in your life, maybe you find it's a pattern in your life. But I think that a lot of people have experienced unrequited love. And in today's episode, I decided to cover this topic because I received a listener question from somebody who's in love with a coworker, but this coworker does not love them back, and this coworker is actually in a long term relationship with someone else. And this listener is wondering what to do about the situation. So today I am going to talk about what is unrequited love. I'm going to give examples of unrequited love. I'm going to talk about why many people play out this pattern as well as how to heal. And then I'm going to answer the listener question that we discussed. And I think that this is a great topic because I think that unrequited love is something that we see played out in movies, TV shows and in books. And it's often glamorized, I think, where unrequited love is actually often really painful. And that person that we are pining for or we want to love us back so desperately never ends up loving us back, never ends up seeing us. And so it can be a very painful cycle to play out. And so if you're here listening to this episode, we're going to be talking about how to heal from unrequited love so that we can open ourselves up to real love in real relationships. I just also want to say that there's nothing wrong with you if you play out unrequited love. I think this is a very common pattern. I know that I've played it out. I know many people in my own life who have played this out. And I think that it is really so often a strategy of the mind to keep us safe. And we're going to talk more about that in today's episode. So before we jump in, I just want to mention that all the resources mentioned in today's episode, as well as journal prompts I've written to help you heal from unrequited love. And links to all the articles that I referenced throughout this episode will be on my website@newviewadvice.com 64. So with that, let's jump on into talking about unrequited love. So what is unrequited love? As I mentioned in the introduction, unrequited love is essentially onesided love. It's when one person feels as though they're in love with somebody who does not love them back. Unrequited love often consists of fantasizing about this other person and can feel really obsessive and all consuming. And it can be a really painful cycle to play out because it can be filled with heartache, rejection, feeling unseen, and it can create a lot of insecurities to play out this pattern of unrequited love.
Amanda Durocher [teaching] [00:03:27]:
And I think that there's an important distinction between real love and unrequited love. And unrequited love is more like a longing and an infatuation. It's not actually real love because real love requires a connection between two people. A great quote I found by Alicia Immuniz, who is a couple's therapist and was quoted for an article for Mindbodygreen.com Is. Real love is about facing hard truths about ourselves and others with compassion, cultivating connection and overcoming challenges as a team. Real love involves risk, vulnerability and courage. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is a way of controlling the narrative by avoiding the unpredictability of real love and the maturity real love requires. I thought this was a great way to explain real love versus unrequited love.
Speaker A [00:04:17]:
And again, that unrequited love, it's really more like a longing for somebody than actually loving somebody. And I think that an important word to discuss when talking about unrequited love is limerance. So if you've never heard of limerance, limerance is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. So limerance is really when we are more infatuated with the idea of somebody. So this story we've created in our minds rather than who the actual person is. So limerce is really when we play out a fantasy of somebody and when we've put somebody on a pedestal in our minds. And limerance goes hand in hand really with this unrequited love. Because limerance is prioritizing this fantasy of somebody over who they really are. It's not real connection, it's not real love, it's actually unkind to the other person because you're not viewing them as a real person, you're viewing them as a fantasy version. So you're holding them to this high standard that they probably can't even meet because no human is perfect. Every human has faults, every human makes mistakes, every human has good days and bad days and every human is really just doing the best they can. But oftentimes we play out unrequited love or limerance. We put somebody on a high pedestal, say that you think somebody is so attractive and so you put them on this high pedestal of attractiveness and you think that if they accept you and they want to be with you, that would make you attractive too. So this is one of those reasons we play out unrequited love because we think that if this person who we're pining for, who we're longing for, loves us, it would mean something about us. But that's often a fictional story we're telling ourselves. I think it's important to note that we can't form real connections with somebody when we have limerance around them. Because with limerance you're really playing out that fantasy of somebody and you're not really seeing them for who they are. So you're not able to form a real connection with somebody because you're fantasizing about them and you're in love with a fantasy. You're not in love with the actual person. So some examples of unrequited love would be loving someone who does not return those feelings, pining for someone who's not available. So this could be someone in a relationship or somebody you don't know. This could also include a celebrity or somebody famous. This also includes developing romantic feelings for a friend while their feelings remain platonic. Unrequited love can also look like a desire for an ex after a relationship has ended. Unrequited love can also happen in casual dating if your feelings become serious but the other persons never deepen. And I also want to note here that most people when they talk about unrequited love are talking about romantic partnerships. But I actually think we can play out unrequited love in any type of relationship. So this can also happen in family dynamics, so with a parent and we'll talk more about that throughout the episode. It can also happen in friendships or can happen with people we look up to, such as leaders, bosses and celebrities. I know this was true in my case that I used to really play out this unrequited love pattern with friendships. So I used to really want to be friends with certain people and they would come in and out of my life and I would constantly tell myself that they were a really good friend even though this person was not reflecting back to me being a good friend. And I thought it was easier at the time to tell myself stories and that this person would come back and that this friendship was real instead of seeing the red flags because I was so afraid of that feeling of rejection. What it would mean if that person was never coming back into my life. What it would mean if that person didn't really love me. So that wasn't actually real love. Those weren't real friendships. That was me playing out unrequited love and a longing for friendships. So I also wanted to list some signs of unrequited love. So here are some questions you could ask yourself if you're trying to decide if the relationship you are in is indeed unrequited love. So are you the only one who reaches out to connect? Are you the only one who wants physical contact? Do you put this person on a pedestal? For example, do you hold them to a high standard? Do you view them as better than you? Do you overlook their faults or do you overlook the facts you have about this person? Have you created a narrative about this person? Think about how you think about this person and ask yourself if that's true. Are these things you're telling yourself? Are these true stories or did you make this up? Did you create a fantasy in your head? Other questions you could ask are do they try to get to know you or is the emotional connection one sided? A sign of unrequited love and limerance would be do you struggle to get them off your mind? Are you constantly checking their social media platforms? Are you checking your phone to see if they texted or called you? Are you checking up on them? Can you not stop talking about them? Or you talk about them a lot even though there's nothing new between the two of you. I've seen some of my friends play this out where they just talk so much about this person who they don't actually have a real relationship with. Other signs would be do they express romantic feelings for others but not for you? And do you feel safe with them? Or are you constantly on edge and dealing with mixed feelings and mixed signals? Because real love creates that safety and that trust and it doesn't mean every moment of a relationship, you trust the other person, things happen. But real love is a building of that safety, is a building of that trust, is a building of that vulnerability. And if you're just playing out a cycle of oh my God, do they like me? Oh my God, what's going on? And you find yourself in these thought patterns that you never get to that next stage where you're connected, that would be a sign of unrequited love. So what are some reasons for unrequited love and why we may play this pattern out in our own lives? I think this is the most important section of this and many times with unrequited love and limerance, it stems from a wounded place. There are often some other deep rooted issues, beliefs or traumas that are causing this situation. So there is often a part of us that feels incomplete and we believe that this person, this relationship will fix us or will fill that hole or will be that missing piece. So we often create stories that if this person who's attractive or wealthy or wise or successful or talented loves us, then we will feel like we're enough, like we're worthy, like we're attractive, like we're wise, like we're successful. And in order to start healing, it's important to explore and identify the underlying causes and unconscious core beliefs that you may be playing out and why you may be playing out this pattern. And so I think it can be helpful to begin to look at the stories you're creating and tracking them. So what are you telling yourself about this person? What are you telling yourself about what it would mean if they liked you? If this person finally returned your love, what would it mean to you? What belief are you holding on to? And these beliefs such as if he loved me, it would mean I was beautiful, is a sign that you are longing for you to view you as beautiful, not someone else. So oftentimes we're looking for somebody to heal us. And as we discuss many times on this podcast, only you can heal you. And so often we are looking for ourselves to love us, not someone externally, even though we think somebody externally will fill that hole. But that hole is you looking for you to witness yourself, you looking for you to love you. Because the truth is you can only love somebody as much as you love yourself. So if you find yourself playing out this unrequited love pattern, I really think it's time for you to look in the mirror and see what beliefs you're creating here. And so I think a big reason why people play out unrequited love is safety. Unrequited love can feel less vulnerable. It can feel safer to pine for somebody who is unavailable and who we have idealized than letting someone in and letting somebody really get to know you. This is a way to prevent yourself from getting hurt. And also, though unrequited love can feel like we are being rejected, it's also a way so that we never feel fully rejected. Because if you allow yourself to continue to believe that there is a chance with you and this person, then you're never allowing yourself to fully move through that grief, fully accept the death of this relationship, for lack of a better word, and fully feel that rejection. Because rejection is so painful, it's actually been studied and proven and I'll link the article in the show notes that rejection feels just as painful as physical harm. So the same part of the brain is activated when we experience rejection as if we were punched. So it makes sense why we would create a scenario to never actually feel that rejection. We're trying to keep ourselves safe. And I think that for people who have experienced rejection in the past, it can feel really scary to experience that rejection again, or it could feel really scary to put yourself out there again. So you can find yourself playing out an unrequited love situation, because it's easier than allowing yourself to fully put yourself out there or to fully feel that rejection. Another reason many people play out this pattern of unrequited love is that living in a fantasy is a coping strategy. And for my dreamers out there and my visionaries, who are always envisioning a life for yourselves and are really into manifestation. It's not a bad thing to envision your future, it's not a bad thing to dream about the future. It becomes a problem when you become addicted to this fantasy. It becomes a problem when you are living more in the fantasy than the present moment. And I think that this is a very strong coping strategy for people who used fantasy in their childhood to deal with trauma, to deal with emotionally unavailable parents, to deal with unsafe situations. But creating this tendency to live in a fantasy, to live in your imagination, is a coping strategy, like I said, to deal with the world. So if you're experiencing unrequited love right now, I would ask you to be really honest with yourself about what does your life look like right now. Because I think that this fantasy pattern can come out when life's not looking so good. So when there's a lot of bleak situations happening at the same time, I know that's true in my life. So normally I begin to live in fantasy around work. That's a place where I can really cope and I envision what I want for new view advice or for my writing, or where I want to be financially. And I envision that for myself and that's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to envision my future, to see what I want, to set goals for myself. That's not a bad thing. But it becomes a problem when I'm spending more time in that fantasy than in the present. So this has happened to me many times throughout my life. Fantasy is one of my coping strategies. As somebody who survived trauma in my youth, I have often lived in fantasy as a way to cope with the present moment because it can feel so freaking hard. Here for example, I found myself over the past couple of months using this fantasy and playing out different work scenarios in my head because I was dealing with health issues, because I was living somewhere I wasn't in love with, because I wasn't feeling creative and life wasn't really great. There were a lot of hard things going on and where I felt happiest was in my fantasy was in this fantasy I created. And it took me a little bit to admit this to myself, but when I did, it was like, damn, I really got to come back down to earth. Because the only way I'm going to create those things I'm envisioning for myself is being present, is taking those hard steps is dealing with the difficulties in my life right now, because they're not going to go away on their own. And so I mentioned this because it's not wrong to use fantasy as a coping strategy, but you really want to become aware of if it is keeping you from the present moment. And also another thing to look at would be are you allowing this unrequited love or this fantasy of somebody to be more important to you or to be more present in your mind than your actual relationships. Because I've seen this one happen with people where they are so obsessed with somebody and it's an unrequited love situation and it's all they talk about and they're allowing that unrequited love, which is an infatuation, it's not real love, to overpower their actual relationships. They start hurting, for lack of a better word, the relationships they have because they're so obsessed with this fantasy. So that's a reason it's important to bring awareness, to start healing and to be honest with yourself. Because I really think unrequited love can be an addiction. The more research I did into this topic, the more I really saw a similarity between playing out this fantasy in your head with addiction patterns. So like for me, I used to have a drinking problem. I've been sober for two and a half years. And I mentioned this because I could see how it would be easy to pick up a fantasy of somebody else just like it was easy for me to pick up a drink, that picking up a drink was often to numb difficult feelings. And I think that living in this fantasy world can also be a way to numb difficult feelings. It can feel so good to envision yourself in love with somebody and to live in that fantasy and to feel those feelings of longing and infatuation with somebody. It can be addictive. And so I think that one of the first steps to healing is to bring awareness to this pattern if it is something you are playing out in your life. And so another thing I wanted to mention here is that so many times we attract partners who can help us heal childhood wounds. So this is true in relationships. And so if you're attracting somebody who does not love you back, I would invite you to explore if that's a childhood wound, is that something you experienced in your childhood? Did you have an emotionally unavailable parent or were you always pining for one of your parents to give you attention and to love you? Because that could be a reason you're playing out this pattern as well. And I also think another reason you could be playing out this pattern is that you're addicted to drama, for lack of a better word. So this would be being addicted to those highs and lows, which is being addicted to that fight or flight and being addicted to high stress. This is true for so many people that being unconsciously addicted to that fight or flight response because it can feel safer for our body to stay there than to feel peace. Because the more we heal, the more we allow ourselves to feel that peace, to feel that relaxation, to feel calm. But for somebody who's lived out a trauma cycle, for somebody who has been on fight or flight, their whole life because they've experienced situations that feel like life or death. It's extremely difficult to get yourself out of fight or flight. So we create situations throughout our life that keeps us in that stress cycle because then we're always on high alert and it becomes an addictive cycle for the body because it's also a bodily and a hormone response. So it's important for you to become aware of how often are you in fight or flight? Are you constantly stressed? Are you constantly playing out these highs and these lows? Or do you allow yourself to regulate your nervous system to come back to the present and to be peaceful? Because I think a lot of people, like I said, who play out drama in relationships or a dramatic situation like Unrequited Love may spend most of their life in that stress response. And so it creates an addictive cycle. And a book where this is mentioned and you can learn more about this is how to do the Work by Dr. Nicole LaPara. She talks about this emotional addictive cycle. There another thing I wanted to mention here for why people play out this pattern is that when I was doing my research, people mentioned that many people who play out unrequited love fall under the anxious attachment or the fearful avoidant attachment types. We're not going to dive deep into attachment types today, but I wanted to share those in case you identify with attachment types or in case you're interested in learning more. There's a ton of information on the Internet about attachment types and attachment styles, but a great book, if you're looking for a book on this topic, would be attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. And this book dives deep into the attachment styles and also has a test so you can see which attachment style you are. But I just wanted to mention that here in case that was something that somebody found helpful. So now how do we heal from unrequited love? The first step is to identify, yes, I have a problem.
Amanda Durocher [how to heal from unrequited love?] [00:20:45]:
Anytime we play out an addictive cycle or a coping strategy that's no longer serving us, it's important for us to identify that this is what's happening. We cannot change anything unless we are aware it is happening. So it would be first to admit that, yes, this is unrequited love. And also maybe identifying if you're playing out limerance and if that's something that has appeared throughout your life. My second recommendation for healing from Unrequited Love would be to set boundaries. After identifying that this situation is unrequited love, I invite you to set those boundaries and to continually disengage from this person so boundaries could look like blocking them on social media. Following them on social media, deleting their number from your phone, taking time away from this person if it's somebody you see a lot but begin to create space between you and them. This step is so important because the more you begin to create that distance between you and this person, the more you will begin to see things more clearly. So oftentimes when we're caught up in a cycle or in a pattern, we can't start to witness it and to see it clearly. We have to disengage from it in order to start to see the pattern, in order to start to see the beliefs we created, in order to start to see the red flags we may have missed, in order to start to see why we played this out. Why did we allow ourselves to stay in this pattern for so long? Or why do we keep playing out this pattern? Or to even see like, oh my gosh, this is a pattern. I've played out this situation of unrequited love so many times before. It takes that distance, and that's what boundaries are going to give you. They're going to allow you to start disengaging from this person and start breaking that stress cycle or that addictive pattern you've been playing out. My third suggestion is to allow yourself to grieve. Though unrequited love was never reciprocated, likely in your case, it doesn't mean you're not going to have to feel that heartache. It's still going to feel like heartbreak, and it may feel like rejection. And you're going to have a lot of feelings as you disengage from this person, as you allow yourself to heal and you allow your heart to grieve this relationship. Because oftentimes with unrequited love, even if it's not a real relationship and we've created a fantasy of this relationship, we still have to grieve it, because we did create that relationship. And maybe it was a person that we used to gravitate towards in our mind, right? So say we were having a tough day and we started thinking about this person, and we started to think about how nice it would be for them to hold us or to give us a hug. We have to grieve that as we let this go, because we no longer want to gravitate towards that person, we want to find something else to fill those moments that we used to grab. That right. That's why this feels like an addiction sometimes is because I think that unrequited love is so often when we're trying to fill a void. So say you're having a really tough day at work, and so you find yourself fantasizing about somebody that's filling that void of looking at that tough day at work and looking at why you're having a tough day at work and looking at, do you have a tough day at work every day? It's keeping you from looking at the roots of your present day situation. So you're going to want to allow yourself to feel your feelings, to feel heartbreak, to grieve this relationship. And when we grieve the relationship, we really begin to accept that this is indeed unrequited love. It is never going to be the fantasy so many of us have created in our minds. And that's why it's so important to grieve this relationship. Because as you grieve too, it will help you to release that hold you had on somebody. It will help you to free yourself of that pain cycle you've been playing out. So even though feeling our feelings is not easy, it will help you to get to the other side of this situation. My fourth suggestion is to bring awareness to your patterns. And we've talked about this a lot throughout this teaching, but I think it's so important for us to look at why we created this situation and why it may have gotten out of hand. Because I don't think that unrequited love is always a bad thing. I think that sometimes we do fall in love with somebody who doesn't love us back, and that's okay. But it's are we creating a narrative around it? Are we creating a story? And really, is it affecting our well being? Because maybe you are in love with somebody and they're in love with somebody else and you're just like, that's fine. I love them, but I'm happy for them. I think that's a very rare occasion because so many of us want to be loved back. But I do think that unrequited love doesn't always have to be bad. But the question you would really ask yourself is, are you okay with them never loving you back? Is that okay with you? Or does that create difficult feelings? So when you begin to bring awareness to your unrequited love situation, to the situation you've been playing out, some questions you can ask yourself is, is this the first time this has happened? What triggered these intense feelings? Did you put this person on a pedestal? Maybe you dive into your attachment style, but it's looking at this pattern and does it connect to childhood wounds? And are there any lessons you can take from this experience? The more you can see if there's a lesson or what you were playing out and why, the less likely you are to play out this pattern. Again, my fifth suggestion is to embrace self care. As you are grieving relationships, as you are healing internal wounds, as you are looking at patterns, it is always important to embrace self care, and it's important to focus on you and loving you and being compassionate with yourself and giving yourself what you need. Because again, even though you may have never actually been with this person, you are experiencing real heartache, you are experiencing real heartbreak. And it's important for you to be kind with yourself and to give yourself what you need. Because likely who was triggered throughout this experience was your inner child. And as you take away that coping strategy, a part of you is probably going to be triggered, it's going to be upset. So it's important for you to be kind to yourself and to give yourself what. You need and start to create healthy coping strategies and things to gravitate towards when you want to go back into this pattern of fantasizing about somebody who does not love you back. And my 6th suggestion would be, if you're still having trouble with this and healing, I invite you to find somebody to help you with this. So that could be therapy, that could be a one on one session. I offer one on one sessions, but it's finding somebody who can help you to heal. It's finding somebody where you feel safe talking about this. It's finding somebody to assist you in looking at your patterns and maybe looking at any underlying wounds and helping you to heal and preparing for a real loving relationship in the future. Because you deserve love and you deserve somebody who accepts all of you. And a great quote I heard while doing this research was that you will never find the right person if you keep holding on to the wrong one. So that's why I am sending you so much love and it's so important to heal this, because you deserve that love. You deserve to find somebody who accepts every part of you and who loves all the quirky parts of you, the beautiful parts of you, the less positive parts of you, for lack of a better phrase. I hope for you that you're able to find somebody who accepts all of you. And how you will find somebody who can accept all of you is by you accepting all of you first, or accepting those parts of you that you are having a hard time with right now. Because we're never perfect and we're always healing. But the more you love you, the more you really will bring somebody in your life who loves you just as much as you love you. So with that, let's dive into our listener question for today.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 28:11
I'm hoping you may be able to help me with a tough situation I found myself in. I'm a 24 year old woman and I am in love with one of my coworkers. We've worked together for a little over two years, and what started off as a small crush has turned into full blown love. I think about this guy all the time. I think about him when I wake up and when I go to bed. He's the reason I'm excited to go to this job. He's kind, funny and smart. The problem is, I don't think he likes me the way I like him. He's been in a relationship since I met him, and I don't think he's ever going to leave his girlfriend. What do I do? I'm a hopeless romantic. Thank you so much for this question. I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation where you are obsessing over somebody who is not in love with you. Though you don't mention the question, I would assume that that has created some painful feelings and maybe some confusion along the way as well. So thank you so much for this question. I think this is a great question for the topic of unrequited love. I know you don't mention unrequited love in your question, but I think there's a few signs here that point me towards this being unrequited love. One, you say your crush turned into full blown love. I think this is a sign that it could be limericks, especially because you say that you think about him all the time when you wake up and when you go to bed. And I think that for your crush to turn a full blown love, but for this person never to reciprocate those feelings, then this is more likely infatuation longing for this person than it is for actual love, as we discussed earlier in the episode. So as I mentioned earlier, real love is grounded, real love feels vulnerable. And I think that what you're doing here is unfortunately more of an obsession than it is actual love. A second sign to me that this is unrequited love is that you don't think he likes you the same way. So this sounds one sided to me. And the third thing I noticed in your question was that he's in a long term relationship and you don't see any sign of the two of you being together in the future. So to me, this is another indication that this is unrequited love. And so I think the first step for you is to decide what you are going to do. I think you either need to shoot your shot, for lack of a better word, and you need to express your feelings to this person and tell them how you feel and see if they return the feelings. I think that this is an option and I think that maybe that's something you need to do. That is the decision only you can make. But if you decide not to do that, then I think that it's a time for you to let go of this person and I think it's time for you to heal and to look at maybe why this situation was created and to begin setting some boundaries. So I think if you decide not to tell this person how you feel because they're in a relationship, because they don't feel the same way you do, or because you have decided that it's never going to work, whatever it may be, I think it's important for you to set boundaries. So it may be hard to set boundaries with this person because you work with this person, but I think you're going to have to find a way to begin setting those boundaries and creating space and distance between the two of you. So I don't know how much you guys work together. I don't know if you just work in the same office or if you guys work closely on team projects. I'm not sure, but I think it's important for you to start disengaging because I think that the only way for you to begin healing and grieving this relationship will be to create that distance between the two of you. Because honestly, it sounds a bit like you're addicted to this person. You said they're the only reason you like going to work and that you think about them when you wake up and when you go to bed. Those are all signs that this has become like that limerance we've discussed. And you are likely playing out a fantasy of who this person is in your head. You're likely not seeing all of this person, especially if you're only seeing one side of them. So maybe his successful, his funny work self, but you're not seeing all of him, which would include the negatives, then you're not really in love with him. You're in love with a fantasy version of him. So for example, maybe you do know him and he confides in you. But the question I'd start asking myself if I were you is does he hold space for you? Is he always complaining to you about his girlfriend, but he never lets you complain about things? I think that can happen a lot in these unrequited love situations is that we see a glimmer of connection, but it's actually really only one sided connection. And I would ask myself, if I were you, are you able to be vulnerable with him? Are you your true self with him? Or are you only a certain version of yourself? Are you just your work version of yourself? Are you showing him your faults, your insecurities, the mistakes you make? Because real relationships require people showing up as all versions of themselves and real love is incredibly scary. I think that's why people can play out this unrequited love pattern is because it can feel less scary than showing someone, all of us. I think that romantic partnerships can be one of the most vulnerable experiences we experience here on Earth. Because real love is incredibly scary. Real love can feel messy. Real love involves a lot of courage because it's not natural for us as humans to show anybody, all of us, so many of us as adults have learned to have defenses, have learned to show people. Only certain versions of us have learned to not fully trust people. Real love involves putting those defenses down. It involves letting those walls down that you've built up for the rest of the world and letting somebody see you. And it involves being there for somebody when they're not at their best. It's incredibly scary and vulnerable and intimate to see somebody at their worst and to love them through that rather than only fantasizing about somebody and viewing them as this perfect person who will complete you. Because nobody's going to complete you. You complete you. That's what we talk about here on this podcast. So my next piece of advice for you would be to begin to identify your wound. And I invite you to explore how this crush may have gotten out of hand, because you said that it went from a crush to full blown love. So that to me, is saying that this has been going on for a while. You said it was two years, and so you've been playing out this pattern of unrequited love for quite some time. And I think that as you create boundaries, you're going to be able to really begin to look at what pattern or belief or wound you are playing out with this situation. So I think that when limerance is involved with unrequited love, it's often a coping strategy, as we talked about earlier. And what I mean by that is that it's often used to keep you from real difficult feelings. And the problem with this is that since it's not a real connection, it creates more uncomfortable feelings. So this is another reason why unrequited love often feels like an addiction to me, is that you're using it because it can feel good, but it can also feel bad. Just like when I used to drink, it would feel good when I had a drink, but then I'd go into this cycle of self hatred, and then it would feel good to drink because I'd numb all my hard feelings. And then I'd go into this cycle of self hatred. So it was fixing a problem, but not in the best way, because it would still create difficult feelings, right? So these feelings of unrequited love feel really good as you fantasize. And then maybe in real life, when you're with this person, it can create negative feelings because they're not meeting that fantasy that you created of them. Like, maybe you think they're the funniest person on earth and one day they're having a bad day and you're like, why aren't you funny today? Why are you annoying to be around? This isn't the person I'm in love with. So it creates this cycle of, oh my gosh, I love this person. Oh my God, does this person like me? It can just create all these negative feelings as well. So I think that that's another reason why it's important to heal from unrequited love, because it creates this cycle of highs and lows as we've talked about. So to identify the wound, I think it's important for you to really dive into the beliefs you've created. Many times when we have obsessions or fantasies, it's filling a need within us. So this need could be I am loved. And maybe you're playing that out with this, but it's starting to dive into why was this situation created? What are the beliefs you've created? What do you think it would mean if this person was in love with you and really diving into this pattern you've created? And one thing I really want to emphasize is that I want you to explore your relationship with your parents or caregivers here and see if there's a parent whose love you could never get and who felt emotionally unavailable or possibly you felt abandoned by. But I think for people who experience having a parent who they're always trying to get to love them, they can end up playing out this unrequited love pattern. So I think that if you're curious about where maybe this pattern began, that would be a great place for you to explore first. Another place where I think this wound can begin is to explore your first romantic relationship. And so if you were rejected by your first boyfriend or by your first crush, or by your first love, that can create a trauma response within the body that you feel like it's not safe to love anybody. And so you create this unrequited love cycle where you never are fully rejected because you never fully put yourself out there. So these are examples of where maybe this pattern began. But that's the work I want you to start doing because that awareness will help you to heal. Because if you can see why this situation was created and the beliefs you put on this person and why you created this probably fantasy of this person, it will help you to let this person go. Because you'll begin to see the real them. You'll begin to see, oh, this person's not perfect, or this person's human. I can't believe I thought they were perfect. I can't believe I put them on a pedestal. The more you allow yourself to see why you may have put on rose colored glasses, the more it will help you to heal. And as I mentioned, many people create these fantasies when their life is less than ideal. So I invite you to also, as you're beginning to bring awareness to this situation, look at your life. Do you have trouble living in the present moment? If so, why? Are there certain things that need to change in your life, but you've been avoiding changing them? So instead you're just playing out these fantasies and you're not really living here on Earth. It's what many of us do who play out the fantasies. We're not really here on Earth, we're living up in the clouds. And it's important to come back down every once in a while because the only way your life will change externally is for you to take those steps forward. So I wanted to give an example from my own life. I know. For me, I used to play out this unrequited love pattern in my teen years. Though that was a long time ago. I've actually had to spend a lot of time healing this wound over the past year because over the past year I've mentioned on some other podcast episodes I've really been looking at my teenage years. And how much pain was there? And one of the things I have looked at and became aware of, even while outlining this episode was this pattern of unrequited love in my teen years. And for me, my first romantic feelings, because they were never relationships, were those feelings of unrequited love. I would develop very strong feelings for boys. They weren't men at the time. They were like in their teens, so I'll call them boys, and they never liked me back. And I had such a hard time fully seeing that. So I actually ended up putting myself in not so great situations, right? I ended up being used by these guys because they knew that I was kind of obsessed with them and so they knew they could use me. And that created some really horrible narratives about myself. I know that I would tell myself, oh, if only I was prettier he would like me, or if only I was more popular, or if only I was cooler, or if only I was funnier. And I created so much negative self talk by playing out these patterns of unrequited love. And it was so painful. And I mentioned this because I've been carrying that around for like 15 years. So I know how deep this unrequited love wounds can go and how painful it can be. And I know for me, in my teen years, a reason I played this out was because if I allowed myself to fully be rejected, it felt so much worse than telling myself that there were things I could change that would make this person love me. Because I would have to accept they didn't like me when they got another girlfriend. And it was always devastating. And the belief I had was, I'm not enough. Anytime they chose somebody over me, I just was devastated. I was like, I'm not enough. I'm an awful person. No one's ever going to love me. And there were these really hard feelings because I felt so unworthy. In my teenage years, I had experienced a lot of trauma, which I'm not going to go into today, but you can listen to other episodes to learn more about that. But I mentioned it because of this trauma. I was so desperate to be loved. And I was looking for it in all the wrong places. And I was looking for it in these boys who I put these unrealistic standards on. Because the movies and the TV shows I was watching at the time were telling me that the popular boy would fall in love with the quote, unquote loser. The girl who didn't know she was pretty the whole time but was actually beautiful. And I believed this untrue narrative that I would be noticed that one day these boys would see me and I would be enough. But what was I doing there? I was putting that enoughness outside of myself. I was giving my power away. I was telling myself that if somebody outside of me told me I was enough, that I would feel that way. And I have been healing for about a decade now from some immense shit, for lack of a better phrase. And I can tell you that the only person who has ever been able to make me feel like I'm enough is myself. The only person who can make me feel worthy is me. And also the only person who can make me feel unworthy is me. The only person who can truly make me feel like not enough is me. Because it's the stories I'm telling myself. And I share this because I think that some of us play out this unrequited love because we are so desperate to be loved. But the love that you are looking for, and that I was looking for throughout that decade was my own love, was your love. Because as I've said so many times throughout this episode, you can only love somebody as much as you love yourself. And I think for a lot of people playing out this pattern, there is a little kid inside you, or there's a teenager, but there is a part of you desperate to be seen and looking to be seen by you and witnessed by you. And I find with inner child work that we often play out these wounds of the past because it's a part of us actually saying we're playing this pattern out again. Do you see me now? Do you want to look at this yet? Or are we just going to keep playing out this pattern? It's a part of us trying to get our attention. It wants to heal. And so I invite you to really sit with yourself throughout this process. I invite you to be kind to yourself throughout this process. I invite you to use this situation of unrequited love as an exercise in self compassion. Because I know that even as I researched this episode, I was reminded of my teen years, and I had some difficult feelings to feel about it, why I allowed myself to be used, why I really played out this pattern of unrequited love. Another thing I noticed was that a lot of these guys that I pined for, they were pining for someone else who didn't like them, right? So they were experiencing unrequited love, and then they would use me to fill that void, but they never actually wanted to be with me because they weren't into me. And what I've also learned is if somebody's not into you, it means nothing about you. All right? It doesn't mean you're not enough. It doesn't mean you're not worthy of love. It means nothing. It just means that you two are in a match and you're going to find somebody else. There is somebody out there for you. There is somebody out there for everybody. And the more you love yourself, the more you're going to really attract that partner you've been longing for.And you deserve somebody who loves you and sees all of you. And you deserve to be seen, heard and loved. And I know that when you take the time to heal this, that it will open up a door for that next relationship and for that next step for you in your healing journey. And as I was reliving some of these teen experiences, I was also reminded of the importance of self forgiveness. So it's important for you, as you're healing this, to not judge yourself. As I mentioned, use it as an exercise for self compassion. And I really invite you to forgive yourself because when we play out these patterns that aren't the best for us or create pain for ourselves, it's often from a wounded place. And I think that it's so important for us to forgive ourselves because it's a way of keeping us safe, it's a way of getting our attention.
Whatever it may be, it's important for us to forgive ourselves, and it's much easier to forgive ourselves when we can see why we do what we do. So I hope something in this answer was helpful. I just want to give a quick recap. I think that you should either decide that you want to pursue this person and let them know how you feel, or I think it's time for you to disengage. How you're going to disengage is with those boundaries that we've discussed. I also invite you to start bringing awareness to this pattern and why this is playing out in your life and if this has been a pattern. Have you experienced these feelings of infatuation and longing multiple times in your life and really starting to dig deep to the roots of where these beliefs and these patterns began? And I also invite you to journal. I'm going to have journal prompts on my website at newviewadvice.com/64, to assist you in this process. So I know when we're beginning to bring awareness to patterns, we may not know where to start. So I'm going to have some journal prompts that will help you connect to your inner child, think back on these root systems and also to help you to forgive yourself and to heal. So I find journaling to be a great practice, and if that's something that resonates with you, I'll have that resource on my website for free. And another thing I'll have on my website there@newviewadvice.com/64 is a hypnosis. I have a friend who's currently healing from unrequited love and she recommended this hypnosis. It's not mine, it's just a YouTube video. It's about 20 minutes, but she said it was really helpful in her healing journey. So I wanted to offer that to you as well. And I also invite you to dive into self care, be kind to yourself, give yourself what you need. As I mentioned earlier, it will feel like healing from heartbreak. It will feel like the end of a real relationship because you did create a relationship and you do know this person too, and there are real feelings there, right? So those real feelings that are between you and this person. And even if they're not reciprocating them, you have real feelings for this person, and letting them go will be a grieving process, and that will be a real process that you'll have to move through. So I invite you to be kind with yourself and to give yourself what you need throughout this and to be gentle with yourself. Thank you for this question. I hope something in this answer was helpful. I am sending you so much love as you continue to heal, and I just want to remind you that there is somebody out there who will love you just as much as you love them, and there is a relationship in your future that will be filled with love, vulnerability and connection. Thank you again for this question. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful for everyone who tunes in and listens to these episodes. If you enjoyed this episode, I invite you to leave a five star rating and review. You can leave a rating on Apple podcasts or on Spotify. Ratings and reviews help to bring more people to the podcast. I'm so grateful to everyone who leaves ratings and reviews. It really warms my heart, and I'm just so grateful for the community here and for everyone who enjoys these episodes.
Amanda Durocher [outro] [00:47:43]:
Thank you again for tuning into another episode of New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.