50: What is Self-Care & Why It's Important for the Healing Journey
Self-care is a popular “buzz word” and is often quoted in lyrics and on social media, but what does it actually mean? You may think it is treating yourself to fun activities and gifts, but in reality that is only one small aspect of self-care. I believe self-care has a broad definition and will look different for everyone. Self-care is one of the most important foundational blocks for the healing journey and should not be ignored. In this episode, I discuss what self-care is, why it's important, and I offer 3 practices to assist you in connecting with your own heart and what self-care you need today.
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Meditation 🧘♀️
Check out this Self-Care: How to Connect with Your Heart Meditation!
Timestamps ⏱️
0:00 Introduction
1:52: What is self-care
13:50 Why Self-Care is Not Selfish
15:38 Why is Self-Care Important
24:27 3 Self-Care Tips
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NOTE: This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher (Introduction) 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hi, beautiful souls. My name is Amanda and this is New View advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast. And what I mean by that is that it is my intention to offer you guidance along the healing journey. I don't believe I have all your answers. I believe you have all the answers you seek, you just may need a little guidance and a new view along the way. Thank you for joining me for today's episode, today, we will be discussing self care. And I really wanted to discuss self care, because I've noticed that a lot of people I speak to a lot of listeners, a lot of my clients and as well as a lot of people I speak to in my everyday life, are struggling with anxiety and depression. And it seems like people are struggling with this now more than ever. And I think that a foundation for the healing journey is self care. So I find this topic to be really important. I also talk about self care a lot on the podcast. So I wanted to dedicate an episode so that when I talk about self care throughout these episodes, you can understand really what I'm talking about, and how self care is more than just bubble baths, and spa days. So today, I'm going to define what I think self care is, I'm also going to talk about why self care is important. And then I'm going to give you three simple practices to help you connect to your own inner guidance, your own heart, so that you can access your own heart's wisdom, and be able to see what self care needs to be added to your life and throughout your days. So let's get started.
Amanda Durocher (What is Self-Care) 1:54
I wanted to start today with defining self care. I feel like there's a lot of information out there on the internet and social media about self care. And I think it can be hard and confusing to sift through all the noise, and to really understand what self care is. So to me, self care is learning to give yourself what you need in every present moment. And this sounds super simple. But actually most people don't do this. And most people are ignoring what they need in most moments throughout the day. And I believe that self care is a very broad concept, and that there are many different kinds of self care and that will need different self cares throughout our day. So if you start giving yourself what you need in every present moment, there's some moments that what you need is a bubble bath. And there's other moments that what you need is to have a long cry or to sit with that thought that's been playing on repeat in your head, right. So learning to take care of ourselves is the foundation of self care. And I believe that self care is the foundation to the healing journey. Because if you are not taking care of yourself, you are unable to heal. Think of it as if you sprained your ankle. And if you just continue to walk on that ankle and pretend nothing happened, that sprain would get worse. And you would be in a lot of pain. And you would continue to injure yourself further and further. I believe self care is similar. It's the foundation to the healing journey because you need to take care of yourself. And so many people are struggling emotionally and mentally. And that's the self care that we really need to dive into for the healing journey that we talked about here healing from trauma, healing, from wounding healing, from relationships, healing from broken hearts. So with that sprained ankle example, if you were to take care of that ankle, you would wrap it, you would maybe put ice on it, you would leave it lifted, you would give it a break, you wouldn't try running on it, you would give it the time it needed to heal. We need to do the same things for our mental health, and also for our emotional health as we do for our physical health. So just like you would take care of a sprained ankle, you want to take care of your mental health. So say you have anxious thoughts playing on your head on repeat. And these anxious thoughts are keeping you in fight or flight. Self Care in your life will probably look like you learning how to ground yourself, how can you get out of that anxiety cycle and get back into your body. The visual I get when I think of myself when I'm anxious is that I'm very much in my head, and my thoughts are flying around my head. And I'm not dropped into my heart and into my body. So if you're somebody who struggles with anxiety, your self care may look like finding ways to ground which could be meditation, yoga, short, grounding exercises. I know I've shared these before on Instagram and in other podcast episodes, learning how to breathe, breathing techniques can really help to ground us. So that may be one step of your self care. But then another step of your self care when you start grounding into your body would be to start looking at those thought patterns. Now I believe that self care is not always just the comfortable things in order for us to embody who we want to be in order for us to embody our best selves, many difficult steps have to be taken. And it is an act of self care to take those difficult steps. If we were to return to the example of having a sprained ankle, it's not easy to take care of that ankle, but it's important. And we often prioritize our physical health, and we'll do the things we need to do, maybe you need to walk on crutches for a few weeks. Or maybe you need to stop exercising in order to care for that ankle. That's not an easy step. But it's a form of self care. Because you're taking care of your ankle and you're doing what it needs to heal, we need to learn how to do the same things for our mental health and our emotional health. So with the anxiety example, maybe the first step is that bubble bath, maybe you're taking a bubble bath, to help you become less anxious and help you to get back into your body. But then the next act of self care may be that it's time for you to start looking at your anxious thought patterns, it's time for you to start sitting with where that originated from. That's not easy work to do. And I think a lot of people think that self care is bubble baths, and these calming activities, because what happens is, we realize we need self care when things get a bit out of control. So say you're living in fight or flight. And so you realize how stressed you are. And you're like, Oh, my God, I need to add self care to my life, Oh, my God. So then you decide to take a bubble bath, you decide to unwind, you realize you've been so stressed for the past week, that's time for you to take care of you. So you start to take care of yourself, you do these soothing things. And then you get out of that fight or flight, when what's waiting for you when you're out of fight or flight is the next step. And the next step is often a difficult step. So so many people will choose to ignore that next step, which may be to look at that anxious thought pattern to finally dive into your relationship with your mother to look at that trauma you've been playing on repeat in your life, or to heal that broken heart, or to call that friend You've been avoiding, because there's some uncomfortableness between the two of you, the next step is often difficult. And so then people will ignore that step. And then they'll start to go right back into that fight or flight stress cycle, they start moving out of their bodies and into their heads, we distract ourselves with working too much. And with drama, I think relationships can be one of our biggest distractions, the drama, we play out between one another, and we get really, really stressed again. And then when we're super stressed, it finally hits us that we're super stressed, we need to relax. So the self care becomes prioritizing ourselves and coming back out of that fight or flight. Because fight or flight is not healthy for the body. It's not healthy for anybody. It's not helpful for anybody. We're irritable in fight or flight. We're absent in fight or flight, we can't be present with ourselves or others when we're in fight or flight. So we come back down into the body, we come back to the present moment. And then what happens, an uncomfortable step arises, and you can choose to do that uncomfortable step or ignore it. But when you ignore it, it will probably keep whispering at you. So that can stress us out again, right? So we go back into fight or flight, we go back into stress mode, then we get all the way up to like being really irritable and really stressed with ourselves and really angry and having all our thoughts. And then we're like, oh my God, I need a bubble bath. And then we come back down. And we play out this cycle of ignoring the difficult next step. So I believe that's why a lot of people think self care is bubble baths, spa days, massages, chocolate, whatever it may be. It's because we ignore ourselves so much that we get into a really stressful place. And we need those things to bring us back down into the body. Because I believe like I said that self care is doing what your heart is asking in every present moment. And your heart is not always asking for you to do the simple thing, or to do the feel good thing. Sometimes your hearts asking you to take difficult steps in order to feel good later, is the idea of getting out of the instant gratification cycle. We are a culture that lives off instant gratification. But many of the things we want, we need to practice delayed gratification. So it may not feel good right now. But down the road, it will feel good and for longer, because we didn't take the easy way or the instant gratification way. We decided to do the hard things in order for our life to feel better later. An example of this that I would mention in my own life would be my sober journey. So I view going sober as an act of self care. But it took a million acts of self care in order to be sober. So when I decided to go sober, that wasn't an easy choice. For me. It was a difficult choice that I struggled with for months. And when I chose to go sober. It was something my heart was asking me to do because my cycle of drinking was that I would punish myself the next day. The instant gratification was picking up the drink because it would numb the difficult feelings I was having. It was a cycle I played out for years, where I would feel really hard feelings throughout the day and I would pick up a drink to numb instant gratification. But then the next day I often woke up with a lot of guilt, shame and self hatred. And even on the days that I didn't do anything embarrassing or shameful I would still have those feelings because when I got drunk, I showed up as a different version of myself. So I would replay everything I said, I would replay everything I did. I would shame myself for drinking, I would shame myself for how drunk I got. And it was this awful cycle that took up so much energy, and it would take so much healing for me to forgive myself for the drinking. And then I would replay the cycle again. So I'd forgive myself for the drinking. And then like a day later, I'd pick up a drink because I was having a hard day I'd numb and then I start the self hatred cycle again. So when I gave up drinking, it was not easy. I did not experience instant gratification through sobriety, I did not instantly stop hating myself. Instead, I stopped numbing, and there were a lot of feelings to feel. And my self care was learning how to feel those feelings without drinking. And for me, one of the biggest feelings I had to learn how to feel through sobriety was my anger. I believe that anger and rage are normal human emotions. But so many of us are afraid of our anger and rage, because people have used their anger and rage against us. Many of us have children were yelled at many of us as children were hurt physically, emotionally, sexually. And so because of that, we are afraid of our own anger and rage. Because we may have seen how it has hurt others, we may have lashed out at others, or we are so afraid of how others have hurt us, we have bottled up that anger and rage and we refuse to even open the door to it. But I think it's a very important part of the healing journey to come into communion. And in relationship with your anger. There are many things in this world to be angry about. There is animal abuse, there is child abuse, there are hearts being broken every day, there is a lot to be angry about. Anger is not the problem. The problem is we have not learned how to be in relationship with anger. So that's something I learned through my sober journey. But feeling that anger wasn't easy, right? So it didn't feel like a bubble bath. So oftentimes, my self care throughout sobriety, especially at the beginning, was being kind to myself doing those self care things like bubble baths, and coloring. And then when an emotion arrived, it was sitting with it, it was feeling it, it was allowing myself to experience the emotions I had been numbing, not easy, not comfortable, but an act of self care. Because as I allowed myself to feel these repressed emotions, they finally left my body. So many of these emotions had been wreaking havoc on my body for years, wreaking havoc on my nervous system, on my relationships with others, the unresolved wounding of the past does not go anywhere, you just keep playing it out in the present. And so self care is learning how to decipher what you need in every present moment. Do you need that bubble bath? Or do you need to feel that hard emotion? Or do you need to take care of your body and then as you take care of your body are you triggered and then do you have to start looking at those triggers while also taking care of yourself. Self Care is a broad concept, and it has been whittled down to look like a pretty present that we give ourselves. Self Care is much broader than that self care, like I said, is giving ourselves what we need in every present moment. And it's learning to listen to the wisdom of our hearts, our hearts know the way our mind does not many of us are playing in our minds. We're doing what we think we should be doing. In a recent episode I talked about having a case of the shoulds should is one of the most dangerous words in the English language. We continually punish, criticize, and judge ourselves with telling ourselves what we should be doing. You're not being kind to yourself when you're punishing yourself with what you should be doing.
Amanda Durocher (Why Self-Care is not selfish) 13:50
Self Care is also not selfish. Many people think self care is selfish. But what is important to remember about self care is that you are only able to care for others as much as you are able to care for yourself. A common example that I think is a great visual for self care is that when you're on an airplane, you are told to put on your own oxygen mask first. Even before you put an oxygen mask on a child, you are told to put it on you first, because it's important that you are breathing in order to help others breathe as well. And that is what self care is. It's learning to care for you first. We are in a society that has taught us that that is selfish and that that's a bad thing, especially as women we have learned to take care of others and to take care of others needs before our own. But as I said you can only help fill others cups as much as your cup is filled. First, I like to view it as self care fills our cup. So like a water cup and it's filled. And when that Cup starts to overflow that overflowed water is able to go out to others in the world. But we need to take care of our own hearts first. Another way you can View self care is learning to be a parent to yourself. It's learning to care for yourself like a child like you would the needs of a child. And how self care is really that caring for yourself. A lot of times my self care is just stopping a self critical thought process and offering myself forgiveness and love and compassion in the moment. That's coming back to self care. Oh, my gosh, I'm being so critical of myself right now. Wow, why am I being so hard on myself, self reflecting on that, offering myself that forgiveness, that forgiveness that I so easily give others offering it back to myself? Those are acts of self care.
Amanda Durocher (Why is Self-Care important) 15:38
So why is self care important? I feel like I really covered this in the definition of self care. But as I mentioned, self care is the foundation for healing. Because if we're not taking care of ourselves, we cannot heal our hearts, because looking at our pain, and suffering takes immense courage, patience, and strength. And we cannot climb these stairs, so to speak, if we do not have a base foundation. So we need to know that we have our own backs that we're taking care of ourselves. And that's so important for the healing journey, because so much of the healing journey is your own consciousness, your own heart and your own body, learning that it can trust you. So many of us as children and young adults, and even older adults, but throughout our lives have shown ourselves again and again, that we do not prioritize ourselves that we do not care for ourselves. And we do not trust ourselves. So we enter the healing journey, it's a journey back home to ourselves. It's a journey back home to who we really are to our own inner wisdom, and our own uniqueness. So many of us in our youth change who we are in order to fit in because community is so important. And we're not taught by adults or by other classmates or students or teachers or friends, that where safety really lies is within our own hearts. So we seek outside of ourselves for that safety. And we create beliefs that we have to be different than who we are that we have to change ourselves. Also, many of us learn to change ourselves out of a need for safety. Many of us did not have safe childhoods, did not have safe upbringings and safe homes. So we changed who we were, in order to create safety within us in order to feel safe emotionally, mentally, and physically. We changed ourselves from who we really are. And so part of the healing journey is coming back to who you are remembering who you are remembering your own unique spark and your own unique light. And in order to do this, it's learning how to listen to the wisdom of your heart, everyone's self care is going to be different in every present moment. everyone's lives are different. Everybody's uniqueness is different. That's why it's unique. And by learning how to access your own inner wisdom, your own inner heart is an act of self care and learning to care for yourself. Because your heart knows what you need in every present moment, to become the version of yourself that you aspire to be, which is really just a version of remembering who you are. It's not changing yourself in order to meet some unrealistic external standard. The healing journey is really a journey home, it's a journey inward. So self care is the foundation for this journey back home to yourself. Self Care is the simple practice of learning how to listen to yourself, and to start giving yourself what you need in every present moment. And as I mentioned, in the beginning, many people don't give themselves what they need throughout the week. They're doing a lot of what they think they should be doing, or they're living in survival mode, and they're not even connecting back to themselves. So for you, it may be connecting back to yourself and giving yourself that self care once a week, once a day, every now and then. But what I hope for you throughout this episode is that you start to become conscious to what your heart is asking you and you start to prioritize self care in your own life. As we become adults, we take on more and more responsibilities throughout our day. And that can become overwhelming and it can take precedent over self care, all the responsibilities we pile up. But the truth is that it is so important to take care of ourselves, especially as we get more and more responsibilities. I mentioned this because I think that a lot of people use their responsibilities as an excuse for not accessing self care, but your heart knows all the responsibilities you have. So for one person their self care might be to go to a retreat and take three days to be with their feelings. Another person's might be to journal for 15 minutes about a tough feeling. It's not comparable, what the self care is. That each of us is being asked by our own hearts. But what I find the often self care cycle, for me at least is, is that it's coming out of fight or flight through an enjoyable activity such as coloring, journaling, yoga, and then my heart will bring something to my awareness that needs to be felt and witnessed. And I'll do that through meditation, journaling, through feeling hard feelings, and then I'll move into an integration cycle where more awareness comes to my mind, where I realize how much this deep rooted thing was affecting me. And then I go back into the cycle of feeling good, because I just went through a difficult healing. And so maybe I'll color maybe I'll take a bubble bath, and this cycle happens for days, right? This isn't happening within an hour, oftentimes, this is happening over a couple of days. But the cycle continues over and over again. And as I allow the cycle to continue, and I witnessed this cycle of trigger coming out of fight or flight, healing, integration, trigger coming out of fight or flight, healing, integration, I'm able to do this quicker and with more ease and less judgment. And as I mentioned, self care is so important, because it's also a practice of getting in the body. So so many people are living in their minds. And that's often where those anxious thoughts are, or the anxiety is in the body. And it's uncomfortable to sit with so many people move up into the mind, self care helps us to get back into the body, because we really have to be in the body to know what we need. Our body is always communicating with us. Our body is an intelligent system that is designed to assist us on this human journey and the healing journey. The body is always communicating with us. And sometimes we think we're being punished by the body because the feelings are uncomfortable. But really, it's just an invitation from ourselves to go within. So I mentioned that because you may be thinking to yourself, I don't know what self care I need, I don't know, like, the only thing that's on my mind right now is this anxiety, that's a great clue for where you should be focusing your self care, oftentimes the loudest part in our body. So the loudest emotion or pain point or thought is what is asking for our attention. Next, it's almost like how a child doesn't understand how to always communicate their wants and needs. So sometimes children can just get louder and louder and louder. That's also a way we treat ourselves, we allow these symptoms to get louder and louder and louder until we can't ignore them anymore. And I just want to say again, that self care will look different every day. And the more you practice it, it will look different many times throughout the day, and you're doing no one any favors by ignoring yourself in your own heart. When you ignore yourself. That's when we become resentful, irritated, angry, bitter, self care will bring you back into alignment with yourself. And again, it's not always the easy thing. Sometimes it is sometimes we need a bubble bath. Or sometimes your self care will be finally getting that therapist you've been thinking about. Sometimes your self care is going for a run when you haven't gone on a run in ages. Sometimes that self care is stretching your legs, and allowing yourself to be in your body. And I also wanted to mention that many people in life are searching for freedom. I talked to so many clients who say they do all these things to feel free. And so many people just want to feel free in this life. But the truth is, many people searching for freedom outside them are really looking to feel free inside. And self care is that first step back to freedom. Self Care is the invitation to go within and take the steps home to your own heart. The version of you you aspire to be is really just the version of yourself who you always have been. But you've forgotten. The more I do the healing journey, the more I realize how true that is, the more trauma I heal, I just realized I'm returning back to myself. It's just about returning home to who I am, I forgot for so long, how worthy and enough I was. That's what healing is it's coming home to ourselves. It's remembering that nothing can take away our worthiness. Nothing can take away our enoughness nothing can take away the love we have for ourselves. But that's a journey within. And the first step to that journey inside is self care. So I hope this was helpful for someone and was helpful in offering you a new version of self care and what self care can look like in your life. And now I want to offer three simple practices to help you connect back to yourself and what your heart may be asking for you to do in terms of self care.
Amanda Durocher (3 simple practices for Self-Care) 24:31
So here are three simple practices to help you tune into your body and your inner wisdom to help you figure out what self care practice is best for you starting today. So my first suggestion is to write a list of your heart's desires. Allow yourself to free write this list. What does your heart want? This could be big or little things. Your list could say to write a book or to go for a walk. One's a big thing. Writing a book involves a lot of steps, going for a walk, you could just jump out your door right now and go for a walk But I invite you to set a timer for 10 minutes and allow yourself to explore what your heart wants. After you have this list, pick three things you could do this week. If your list contains big items, such as writing a book, begin to break these things down into smaller steps. I believe every goal is achievable. But many people just get overwhelmed by how big some of these goals can feel. So it's important to start breaking it down into tiny steps. So spend time with this list. You can maybe do this once a week, you could do this every day. But to just start connecting back to your heart, for some people, they'll have 1000 things in 10 minutes. Other people are going to really struggle with this. Some people really struggle with connecting back to themselves and knowing what they want. And a great way to start doing this is really what are the things you have thought about for days, weeks, months, years? What are the things that keep coming up for you over and over again, this could be that you've considered getting a therapist for years, this could be that you've considered going sober for years. This could be that you've considered writing a book for years. But start to write down the things that come back to you again. And again. If you struggle with this exercise, really just start thinking about what is in your head and getting it down on paper. That exercise alone for you. If you're somebody who doesn't take what's in their head and move that energy will assist you in the process of starting to connect back to your heart. The second suggestion I have is that another way to connect with your heart. And to figure out what self care would feel good to you is to connect with your inner child to connect with your child's self. So spend some time reflecting on what you like to do as a child. Do you like to paint, play sports, dance, spend time with your child self. And you could journal this, you could think about this, you could go on a walk and think about what you enjoyed doing as a child. Again, this may be easy for some this may be more difficult for others. But connecting with that child self oftentimes has keys and clues to Raider knowings and greater understandings of yourself. And another thing that may come up as you're connecting with your child self is that you may have resentments arise, you may have anger arise, you may have memories from your past that you still need to heal arise. And that's another great sign of what your heart is asking you to do. If the first thing that happens when you think of your child's self is an resentment arises, to me, that's a ding, ding, ding, that's where you should start. And again, maybe you need to get therapist to help you unpack that. Maybe connect to that memory by beginning to journal or beginning to meditate with it. But another way to connect back to your heart is to connect with this child self. And again, you may get a fun thing to do like paint or you may get a difficult memory both are great, neither is better than the other. You could also get both at the same time. Oftentimes, these things we like to do as children help us to integrate the hard truths that we have to come to terms with, we have to heal and forgive. So the third thing I have is to meditate. I think that meditation is one of the best practices for connecting back to our hearts. Learning how to navigate our inner world is so helpful and important along the healing journey. I have found meditation to be so helpful on my own journey. And it's often the easiest and quickest way for me to access the voice of my heart. But I have to mention meditation is like going to the gym. So it's a practice. I know a lot of people find meditation difficult. I know a lot of people avoid meditation, a lot of people don't even try meditation. A lot of people do not want to sit with themselves. But that resistance to sitting with yourself, to me is a sign that maybe it's the best thing for you. I find it so interesting when people have a difficult time sitting with themselves, who is better to sit with you and witness you and see you then you What are you so afraid of? What makes it so hard for you to sit with yourself? What are you running from? What are you afraid you'll find? These are beautiful questions to contemplate if you are resistant to meditation. And for anyone new to meditation, I have created a meditation that will be on my YouTube channel to assist you with connecting with your heart's wisdom and gaining clarity on your next step and what self care may be most helpful for you. I don't think you have to just start meditating by sitting in silence. I think that there are so many guided meditations. And by starting to use guided meditations or different meditations, you'll learn what meditation practice is best for you. I often create my own guided meditations within my own inner world. And I have created this practice by meditating every day for years. So my meditation practice will look different than most people's most likely, but that's because I'm connecting back to my own inner world. So that's the beautiful thing about meditation is that you'll get to understand your own inner world. What different signs and symbols or feelings mean for you. Not everybody sees visions in their meditation some people feel in their body. Some people hear with their ears. Some people hear with their inner ears. Some people feel knowings in their heart. Meditation is a great way for you to figure out how your body and soul communicate with you. And again, this can be a difficult practice to start so be patient with yourself, it's like going to the gym. But I promise that meditation will change your life if you dedicate time to it. So those are three simple practices I have to help you connect back to your heart and to what self care would be great for you starting today, I hope you found something helpful within those suggestions.
Amanda Durocher (Outro) 30:23
Thank you again for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to have these conversations with you each week. Thank you for having this conversation about self care. I am so passionate about self care if you couldn't tell. Because self care is so important. It is one of the most important things that I need to prioritize in my own life. If I'm not taking care of myself, then my life starts to fall apart, my relationships start to fall apart, and I become very self critical self-care is a foundation to make sure that I'm able to show up as my best self every day. And that best self looks different every day. I wanted to mention that I have a website NewViewAdvice.com And you'll be able to find the show notes at NewViewAdvice.com/50. And on the show notes, I'll have a link to the YouTube video with the meditation that may interest you and I'll also have a link to a gift guide I made back in December because I made a self care gift guide. And if bubble baths or journaling is best self care for you right now I have a few suggestions of some fun bath bombs and coloring books and things like that to assist you on your self care journey. Thank you again for joining me for another episode New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
