34: Break Up Advice: Should I Get Back Together with My Ex
In this episode, I answer questions from listeners who are questioning whether they should get back together with their ex after a break up. The first question is from a listener whose long-term relationship ended because of infidelity, but is now wondering whether they should take back their ex.
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The second questions is from a listener who feels torn between giving his partner another chance or letting the relationship go. Throughout the episode, I offer different perspectives and questions to ask yourself when deciding if it’s the right choice to get back together with your ex and tools for healing hard feelings.
Episode References:
Sign up for the Healing Circle: Cheating in Relationships Here.
Book Recommendations:
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
3:52 Listener Question 1
30:47 Listener Question 2
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher. And I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hey, there beautiful soul. My name is Amanda. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast. And what I mean by that is that it is my intention to guide you back to your own inner wisdom. I don't think I have all the answers. I believe that you have all the answers you seek, you just may need a little guidance along the way, as well as a new view on whatever you may be going through. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of newView advice. Today, we are talking breakups, and specifically people who have broken up with their partners, and are now wondering if they should get back together with their ex. So today, I will be answering two questions from listeners who are struggling with the question. Should I take my ex back? Should I get back together with my ex? I think this is a great topic for us to discuss because I think this is a question many people end up asking themselves during a breakup or after a breakup. And I also think that it's a complicated question, I think that the answer is going to be different for everyone. I do not believe there's a one size fits all, I don't believe the answer is always no or the answer is always yes, I think it's going to be very different on every individual basis. And I can't say I know what's best for you and your specific relationship to anybody listening who is wondering if they should get back together with their ex. But today we're going to talk about questions you can ask yourself, I'm going to give you tools you can use as well as offer different perspectives about different ways you can think about the question, my intention is to help you to get clarity. And I hope that after you listen to this episode, you will have more of an understanding about your own relationship. And if you want to get back together with your ex, or you'll at least have the tools and questions to start asking yourself to dive deeper When making this decision. Because I think that getting back together with your ex is all about intention. So it is you becoming intentional about your previous relationship and what you hope your relationship could be moving forward and intentional about what you want relationships to look like, and to become intentional about what you are looking for. So that's today's topic. I'll be answering two questions about that. And before we jump in, I just wanted to mention that I am I hosting healing circles. This September, there are six week programs, I'm hosting two healing circles. If you haven't heard this yet, I'm hosting one for people healing from being cheated on, and one for people healing from cheating in a relationship. And we'll be going through a six week healing circle. And what this means is that a healing circle is a group of people with the intention to heal from a similar experience. And so there'll be one for people who have been cheated on one for people who have cheated in a relationship. And each week will have a different theme. And we'll come together each week to discuss the theme and to discuss our experiences. And I'll also be offering guided meditations journal prompts and an activity each week. And it'll be a healing environment to work through some layers around cheating and relationships. So if this is something that interests you, please let me know, you can reach out to me via email newView advice@gmail.com. And I can send you more information. If this is something that you think you might be interested in. We're starting the week of September 19. So if you're listening to this before, then feel free to reach out. And if you're listening to this after, you can still reach out and see if this is something I'm offering in the future. And that's it for updates here at UVU advice. So let's jump on into today's questions.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 3:58
Hi, there, I just recently discovered your podcast. I love your advice and the way you answer questions. I was in a relationship for eight years. I admit I wasn't the best partner by not showing her enough attention. But she eventually cheated on me and was cheating on me for four months. How can I feel like it's worth spending that amount of time with someone else we met when we were 18. That's practically my 20s almost gone. It's been hard trying to stay positive. And oftentimes I find myself wanting to go back with her. Because I feel I may never find that type of love again. Any advice? Please? Thank you for this question. This is such a real and vulnerable question. So I thank you for asking this question and admitting how you truly feel. I think all your feelings here are really valid. And I'm sorry to hear that your eight year relationship recently ended. And we'll talk a little bit more about this throughout the question, but I think it's totally understandable that it's hard for you to stay positive. I mean, a major relationship in the past eight years of your life ended and it ended with your partner cheating for four months. So that's heartbreaking. I don't think you have to stay positive. I think it's completely fine for you to have a lot of feelings about that. And we will talk about that more throughout this question. So I just wanted to honor how you're feeling. And I think that everything you're feeling is very common. And I think that when people end long term relationships, and eight years is a long time, it can be hard to imagine going through that, again, it's very human to not want to get hurt like that again. And I think for you, there's absolutely no rush to try and get into another relationship soon or to get back with your ex right away. I think that time is really healing. And I think that feeling like oh, my gosh, my 20s was wasted is also very common. I know, I felt like that all the time. I'm 30. And one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that there's really no rush, I feel like we're in such a rush in our 20s, we think we have to get so much done. We think that by 30, we want to be in a certain place. So many people want to be married, you know, on their way to having kids and having a house or already there. And I really believe now that I'm 30, that there is absolutely no rush, I look back in my 20s were exactly what they were supposed to be and what they were were time of growth, I think that so many of us enter our 20s. And there's a lot of growing to do. There's a lot of healing, there's a lot of self reflection, because especially if you do the route where you go to school, then you go to high school, then you go to college, and then you come out and you get a job, you very much been on a track that's been laid out for you. And at least here's what I found. There's what I found in my own life, there's a track you've been laid out for you. And then all of a sudden, you have to make your own choices, and people just expect you to be like an adult. And the truth is you don't have all the tools you need. So like your 20s are just filled with building the tools. And I believe that you here in this previous relationship, you got so many tools, you got so much that you will bring forward into your next relationship. I know it doesn't seem like that. But the fact that you're in your late 20s, and you've already been an eight year relationship puts you ahead of so many people, so many people in their 20s just date around, they don't take the time to be in a long term relationship. So then when they enter a long term relationship, it's very different. It's very different than just dating for a few months or even for two years. So in The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which I highly recommend everybody read if you haven't, I think it's a great starter book for couples to start creating a language for how to communicate about love languages and about needs, I found it to be really helpful in my relationship. When I found out my partner's love language was words of affirmation, I was a really critical person, I'll be honest, because I was very critical of myself. So learning that was such good information for me, I had to change the way I spoke to myself, I had to change the way I spoke to him, I had to become very conscious of when I was critical and why. So I highly recommend that. But he talks about how the first two years of a relationship are the honeymoon phase. A lot of times it's after those two years that those childhood traumas start to annoy each other that those triggers become much more obvious. And so you are an eight year relationship. So you went through that, you know the ups and downs of a long term relationship, you know what it takes to grow a relationship, it sounds like you've become really aware of how you could have been a better partner. And all of that is really great awareness. All of that is really good information. So I just want to give you grace and offer you compassion, because when relationships end, it can feel like something failed, or like we're starting from scratch. But the truth is, you're not starting from scratch, you have so much good juicy, like seeing it as like a library of books. But you have all this information that you'll be able to take with you into your next relationship. And then you'll also know what you will and will not tolerate, which is something sometimes we only learn through relationships. And now with all that said, I get it like I get why it would seem easier to get back with your ex or why you might want to get back with your ex because you guys did build this relationship together. And over those eight years, you had some really amazing times, I'm sure it wasn't all bad. You know, relationships are really up and down, up and down throughout our lives. And I think that when relationships become healthier, the downs are shorter, because you know how to handle them. And you also can see yourself going down. So you're like, oh, like let's catch this. Like, why am I triggered or you're like, Oh, we haven't spent time together. Let's plan a date night like you catch it quicker. But relationships will always go up and down. Because people go up and down. Our lives go up and down. Right though the time here on Earth is linear. We don't or we think it's linear, but we don't live a linear life. Things happen. We go up and down. So so do relationships. So I get why it can seem easier to go back with your ex and maybe that is the choice that's right for you only You're going to know that but I do want to say from your question, personally, to me, it sounds like if you were to get back with your ex, it would be out of fear, not out of love. So I talk about this a lot on the podcast. And what I mean by this is that we need to become intentional about the decisions we make. And we want to become aware if we're making decisions out of fear, or for making decisions out of love. So an example of fear would be what I feel like you wrote in this question, so you said that you feel that you may never find that kind of love again. So that is a fear. Because you fear that there is a lack of love for you out in the world, you fear that you'll never find anything, like the love you just had. That's a fear. And an example of making the decision to get back with your ex out of love with sound like I love my ex. And I want to give her a second chance because we have communicated about our past problems, and have created a roadmap to grow together. Or another example of making a decision out of love could sound like I love myself enough to be alone right now, because I know that I will find the right person at the right time. So one is inspired by lack, like the lack of there being more love out there. And the other one is inspired by love and a trust of life, that you trust that life, the universe, God, whatever you want to call it wants you to find love knows you deserve to find love and will bring love into your life when you're ready. I mentioned this because we're discussing today if we want to get back together with our exes. So before we do this, it's so important to become intentional. So it's so important to ask ourselves, why, why why? Why do we want to get back together with our ex? And then once you come up with an answer there, why? Why do I feel that way? Right. So for you, why do I feel like I'll never find love like this again, is it because this is the only relationship I've ever had. So I just have no other experience of love, is it because I feel unworthy of love is it because I put an unrealistic expectation on my ex to be my everything, I want you to become intentional about the whys behind your decisions. And I just want to take a minute to assure you that there is someone else out there for you. I truly am a believer that there are multiple people out there for us. There are multiple people out there for us at different points in our lives, that as we change and grow the partners, we could end up with change and grow in that we all are deserving of finding love. And if a relationship doesn't work out that there is someone else out there for you. I truly, truly believe that because I know that you deserve love. And I know that you deserve someone who treats you well. And you deserve someone who's going to love you and care for you and grow with you. And if you're listening to this podcast, and you're writing into this podcast, and you're interested in growing, you're interested in being the best version of yourself, you're interested in changing, because growth and healing is just a prayer for change. You're interested in a partner, and you deserve a partner who's going to grow and change with you and take responsibility for their own actions and take responsibility for their wants and needs. And from your question. This is a very short question. So I don't know anything about your relationship, I will preface that. But this answer is for you and for other people. But I don't know if your partner's changed. I don't know if your partner took responsibility for her actions. I don't know if she's done anything to rebuild trust. So before you get back together with your ex, those are really good questions to ask yourself, because you are a person looking to change and grow and looking to better yourself. And I'm not sure your partner is that person. And she totally could be I'm not sure. But those are questions you're going to want to reflect on. And so I promise you, there's someone else out there for you, it can seem easier to get back with an accident to build something from scratch. But as I mentioned, you're not building something from scratch, you have all this new knowledge. So you're going to be starting from a different place than when you met your last partner. And though the relationship will be from scratch. So when will you meet new people, you have to build the trust, you have to build the communication techniques, you have to build that foundation together, you get to build it on your terms you get to from the start, say what you want you get from the start, you get to sit your knees you got to talk about from the start how important communication is for you or how important trust is. Or you get to bring in that knowledge of maybe some childhood patterns that you already have awareness about but you get to start from, I'm seeing it like a staircase, right? So you get to start in the middle of the staircase rather than at the bottom of the stairs where you have to get the information as you go up the stairs, you're already starting from a new spot. So I would just give yourself grace and compassion that I know it can feel hard to think of starting a new relationship and going through a whole nother eight year relationship but it's going to be different. This next one is going to be different. Or if you choose to get back with your ex it also will be different because you've taken the time to reflect to become more intentional and you can go into the relationship with your ex with new information. I also want to stress that easier isn't always better. I think as humans we have To grasp the fact that most things in life that make our lives better long term, take work and are not necessarily easy. I believe when we ask ourselves what's best for us that quiet voice within us our soul or intuition or higher self, whatever you want to call, it will often ask us to do tough things, and not the easy route. I've found that to be true in my own life, I find my inner guidance is constantly challenging me. Most things in my life are not comfortable. They're not easy. I'm constantly hitting my growth edges. But I will say with each challenge in every time I work hard, and I try new things, and I get out of my goddamn comfort zone. Because I love my comfort zone. Because I think many people do. But every time I do that, I expand, my life becomes bigger, my perspective becomes bigger, my world becomes bigger, I become a bigger and better version of myself, which is why I keep doing it. I truly feel that so many of us are here to experience the depths of life, and experience, everything life has to offer. But that requires us to get out of our small worlds requires us to get out of the predictable world, the comfortable world, the patterns, it requires us to try new things. And it can be really easy to get stuck in a rut and stuck in playing out the same pattern. But I promise you that if you connect to your heart, if you connect to that inner voice, you will get the answer. It just might not be the easy answer. And I think that can make a lot of people question their guidance. I think a lot of people think that the voice of their heart is going to lead them down this clear, easy path. But truly the voice of your heart is often just giving you the next step. And it's not going to give you the full picture. It's not going to give you 10 years from now, it's not even going to give you a month from now it's it's going to tell you what it wants to do next, because your heart wants to trust you, right. So we think we don't trust other people. But actually, a lot of times we don't even trust ourselves. And that's something we need to dive into. And a time to be single is a great time to dive into trust issues. I know I have a lot of trust issues that I'm still working through, I'll be honest, I experienced a lot of trauma. In my youth, I experienced a lot of manipulation, betrayal, which has created trust issues within me. And I was looking at those recently in Sedona, I was looking at how I have a fear of nice people, because the people who abused me and my youth, especially my teen years, were really nice to me, before they did awful things to me in my body. So I mentioned that because my heart's constantly challenging me to trust new people. But I don't always want to, but I listen to the voice. And my heart leads me to new experiences, new people leads me out of my comfort zone. But it doesn't mean it's always comfortable. I often feel resistance, but I feel like resistance. So feeling like you don't want to do something or feeling like a lot of fear come up. It's just showing us where that fear is. Because in order to grow and change, we want to look at that fear, we want to move past that fear. So I just offer you all this because I know it can be really hard to think about a new relationship. And I don't even think you have to think about a new relationship right now. I really think it's okay for you to be single for a little bit. And I know it can be so scary in a world that's like you're supposed to be married by 30. It's totally not true. I have so many single friends who are in their 30s. I don't know who made up that fantasy. And I have friends who got married in their 20s and are getting divorced already. So don't rush anything, your path may not be clear, but your path is your path. And each stepping stone really is there for you. And I just want to offer you grace that like it's okay. It's all going to be okay. All the feelings you have are really valid. And so here's where I want to mention that you don't have to stay positive. I don't think that through a breakup, especially an eight year breakup, if you decide to stay broken up with your ex, that you should be positive the whole time. I don't know how you could be positive the whole time. A part of your world shattered. And it's time for you to pick up the pieces. A relationship that you probably thought was the one because eight years is a long time maybe we're thinking about marriage. Maybe you guys aren't into marriage, but you were thinking of buying a house. Either way, you probably weren't expecting the breakup, or at least the cheating aspect of the end of this relationship. For months cheating is heartbreaking. You don't have to remain positive. When you move through a breakup. You're moving through the stages of grief and the Stages of Grief are denial, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance. And I find when we move through grief, we don't just move from one stage to the next and like check off the box the stages come and go. And so two of those stages are anger and depression. You don't have to be positive the whole time. I don't believe emotions are necessarily positive and negative. I think that they can be harder to feel and more enjoyable to feel but For this question, the positive feelings, they're going to come and go, and the harder emotions are going to come in. And that's okay. And actually, for you to move through this quicker, I don't like to say quicker because it's going to take you as long as it's going to take you and everybody's different. But it's going to require that you feel those hard feelings. It's gonna require that you allow yourself to be angry that you allow yourself to be sad, and you don't judge yourself and say, I got to stay positive. I gotta keep my head up high. I got to pretend this doesn't bother me. No, pretending allow yourself to have those real feelings through the healing journey got allow yourself feel like, Damn, that really sucked heavily that happened. Fuck, my heart hurts. I can't believe somebody I trusted did that, to me that breaks my heart. And then maybe sit with if there's an inner child in there who's triggered by that. Maybe it's not the first time your heart broke. And maybe this heartbreak is connecting to heartbreak from your youth. And that doesn't have to be a relationship heartbreak, it could be a time a parent didn't show up, or time a sibling wasn't nice, or a time a friendship ended. Because I find that's another thing that comes with heartbreak is it's like, your body kind of opens to this heartbreak because you're heartbreaks, right? So it kind of expands. And this image I'm seeing and then all the other pain is like, Oh, are you ready to feel me? Oh, good. We're gonna sit with sadness, and then all this other sadness that wants to be witness comes forward. It's like, are you ready to look at this too. So it can be multi dimensional. And what I mean by that is, it can be a journey that's not linear, right? By healing this heartbreak, you could end up healing heartbreak from your youth, heartbreak from your childhood heartbreak from your teen. So I just offer that because don't be hard on yourself about staying positive, you really don't have to. I think we live in a world where nobody's comfortable with the hard feelings. So we all think we have to stay positive. But really, you don't. You don't honor yourself. And if nobody else out there is honoring you, I honor you, I honor what you're moving through. It's tough. I'm really sorry. So allow yourself to take time, when we're grieving time really is the best thing we can offer ourselves, to not rush in anything to not rush the journey. And just to allow those feelings to arise when they arise. There's two more things I want to talk about one, this may not apply to you. But I want to say this for you and for anyone else who may relate to your question. So I just wanted to mention that I believe every relationship takes two people. And when people cheat is often complicated. The reason why, but I don't want you to blame yourself for your partner's actions. So you may have been absent or not given her the attention she desired. But I just want to clarify that it's not your fault. She cheated. I've received a few questions where I feel like people are a little confused about the two way street and the responsibility thing. So when I talk about when you're cheated on, you should look at your relationship. And you may have to hear some hard truth about yourself, you're still not responsible for that person's actions. So I just want to specify that because I don't know her side of the story, obviously, so I'm not judging her. But I do know that cheating is an immature way to deal with relationship issues. And I don't say this lightly. And I don't say that with judgment, because I think we live in a pretty immature world. So what healing doesn't, what growth does is it gives us maturity. And I don't believe that maturity just comes at age 18, that all of a sudden we're mature because we're quote unquote, adult, ah, maturity is built. Maturity takes a lot of work. And a lot of people aren't willing to take responsibility for their lives. And that's what I believe maturity is I think being mature is taking responsibility for how you feel, taking responsibility for how your actions affect others, for taking responsibility for communicating clearly for communicating your boundaries for communicating your wants and needs for clearing up any codependent actions you may have. And responsibility for tough conversations and responsibility for our lives responsibility. That's what maturity is, and to meet shootings and immature action because there are other actions you could have taken before you cheated. You could have had a tough conversation, you could have ended the relationship because your actions are going to hurt your partner. Cheating always hurts the partner. But it doesn't mean I don't understand where that comes from. And being mature can be really hard. And it's a growing practice, right? There are still areas in my life I feel like I'm immature or that I'm not an adult. I think that's where that I'm not an adult comes from that so many people feel especially in their 20s I don't feel like an adult. The truth is, most people don't feel like an adult. I'm 30 and there are times I still don't feel like an adult. But I think that I feel more like an adult when I take more responsibility. But we live in a world that's very afraid of responsibility. Not entirely sure why I have my guesses but this answer is very long. So I'll save that for another episode. So I just wanted to offer this for you or for anyone who may blame themselves for their partner's cheating, I want to make this clear because I think everyone does need to take responsibility for their roles and relationships, and how they may or may not be showing up in a good way. But I also want to stress that we are not responsible for the actions of others. And I just want to say again, it sucks, what happened. But it's great time for you to become intentional to see how you can be a better partner moving forward, and let yourself off the hook for not being the best partner, you know, I want you to take responsibility, so you can be a better partner moving forward. But also, nobody's perfect. And to me, it sounds like you've learned a lot and taking responsibility for not always being there. And seeing that in yourself is huge. That's such great awareness. And with awareness comes the opportunity for a new pattern. And in your next relationship. Or if you choose to get back with your ex, you can now be a different partner because of this awareness. And when you can begin to dive deeper and see there's a pattern about how or when you check out. So I'll just offer a quick example of a pattern being played out in my own relationship. In case you don't quite know what I'm talking about, or anybody's a little confused on pattern. So my partner and I years ago used to play out this pattern where I would feel that my partner wasn't around a lot, where I'd feel that he was absent. So I would get angry, and I'd get snippy. And I bicker with him. And then he would become more absent because of my bickering. So he would interpret this as meanness, which it was, it was me being critical of him. And his love language was words of affirmation, or is words of affirmation. And mine is quality time. And so you can see how the meaner I was, the more absent he would become because the more critical the more harsh my words were, the more he would be triggered. So he would go to his coping strategy, which was retreating. And the more he would retreat, I would go to my coping strategy, which was being mean, which was critical, which was being cruel, honestly. And so it would escalate, I would get meaner, he would become more absent, I would then get louder and meaner, and he would become more absent. And it would eventually lead to me yelling at him and him completely checking out. So we would play this pattern out over and over and over again. And I was always so frustrated. I was like, Why can't he hear me? And he was like, Why is she so angry? I can't hear her when she's angry. So it wasn't until we read The Five Love Languages, which is why I highly recommend this book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, that we were able to create a similar language. So I wasn't aware when I was being critical that his love language was words of affirmation. I didn't just know that I had no idea. And he didn't know how to articulate that until we read the book. And it was the same with me. And quality time, I didn't know how to articulate that was my love language, until we read the book. And so by creating that language, and being able to articulate to each other what our love languages are, then I was able to look at this pattern and go, shoot, I am being so mean. That's his love language ship. I was like acts of service, I'm cooking dinner, I got that one covered. Quality time, I'll hang out with him. Whenever he wants gifts, I can give him gifts. But it was words of affirmation. The hardest one for me was his love language, which, if people read this book, you will find that it's very common, if you do this exercise with your partner, that their love language is the hardest one for you, because it's the childhood wounds coming forward. So oftentimes, our love language is what we didn't get in our childhood. And our partners are similar to our parents. So oftentimes, they have a hard time giving the love the way we wish we had received it. It's a very simple explanation of that. But this answer is becoming very long. So I offer this example because this is example of a pattern, and how are my partner and I able to break the pattern? Well, one person has to choose to be the bigger person, and when they're triggered, communicated without the emotion, you're retreating right now, and it's making me upset, I don't want to yell at you. Or it's just changing it and being loving anyway. So even if my partner was becoming more absent or absent, it was me choosing to be kind anyways, and to use loving language. Because then once your partner starts to feel loved through their love language, their actions begin to change, it resets the pattern, it creates a new patterns. He goes really into this in the book. So if this interests you, again, I highly recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, because I've been talking about that a lot throughout this question. But I just wanted to offer this because awareness, which you have is a great foundation for your next adventure in love. And you're going to be able to talk more about what your triggers are. And you'll be able to look more at the way you can exit a relationship. And what I mean by that is like when you do become absent, is there something that your partner does that causes you to become more absent to be around less? Those are all great questions to reflect on. So I'm not sure how long you've been broken up. But I really advise that you take time to become clear on what you want moving forward, as we've talked about, become intentional on your why why why? I really don't think there's a rush to get back with your ex. I think if it's meant to be it'll work out in a month, a year or 10 years. If you're
Unknown Speaker 30:00
Meant to be with someone else that'll happen as well. I really believe that nothing that's meant for us will ever miss us. And the more you learn to love yourself by allowing yourself to have these feelings by becoming intentional with your decisions by sitting with your own heart and meditation, journaling, quiet moments in nature, you will become more clear and confident about what you need moving forward. I think we live in a society that's afraid to be alone for many reasons. But a key reason is that we're afraid to be with ourselves, we so often go against ourselves. And when we're alone, without distraction, we're often faced with who we've become. And sometimes we don't like who we see in the mirror. But the truth is, your heart wants you to forgive yourself. Your heart wants you to be your best self. And your heart knows that you deserve someone who loves you and respects you and treats you well. I hope something in this answer was helpful, sending you so much love as you navigate this chapter.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 30:47
Hey, Amanda, I'm writing to you because I am in an extremely tough spot. I've been listening to your podcast recently, and you're an extremely inspiring person. I am currently having some really big relationship issues with my girlfriend. We were together for four years. But the last few years we have lacked sexual connection. There were a lot of external stressors that I believe had an impact on our relationship living with roommates, we were both unhappy in our jobs, we both lacked confidence, etc. In June, she brought up that she wanted to separate because she wanted us both to work on ourselves for the relationship. But in reality, she started having feelings for our neighbor who had told her all the things she wanted to hear and convinced her to leave me for him. I know it takes two people to make that happen. But I believe he really did manipulate her, he eventually hurt her emotionally. And now she wants me back telling me that she made a huge mistake. And she didn't realize what she had. I also would like to try to salvage what we had, because in my eyes, it was really special. But I need some time to process my feelings about the situation. I'm not really sure if she really wants me back. Or if she just doesn't want to be alone. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for this question. This is such a great question. And I am so sorry that you feel as though you're in a tough spot and you're having trouble figuring out your next steps. I am happy to hear that you're taking time to process your feelings, though, about the situation I think time is very, very helpful when we don't know what we want. So many of us are in such a rush and want to know what's best for us right now. But as you said, you need some time to process your feelings. That's great. Oftentimes, when we have really strong feelings such as anger, betrayal, heartbreak, it can be hard to know what's best for us. So taking the time to just allow yourself to feel these feelings is so important. So I just wanted to start this with saying that I already think you're on the right track, you're listening to what you need. And what you need right now is time to process. So as always, I don't know what's best for you. And I don't know if your ex is afraid to be alone or really wants you back. But what I do want to do is to help you become clear on what's best for you. Because the truth is that you can only control yourself, so you can't control her motive, and why she wants to get back together with you. So here are a few questions that I advise that you or anyone else debating getting back with their ex, dive deep into before you make this decision. As always, I think journaling is a great way to connect with ourselves. So getting pen to paper is a great way to get out of our heads. I also think meditation, sitting with yourself in a quiet space, no phone, no electronics, you can put meditation music on, you can get an essential oil diffuser, get some incense going and sit with yourself. But for people who have trouble with that journaling is a great first step. So here's some questions I advise you journal or reflect on before you make this decision. One, can you trust her moving forward? Are you willing to work towards this trust? Is she willing to work towards this trust? Does your inner child want to work towards this trust? Because that's a really important question. Because your adult mind may say yeah, oh my God, I am so willing to forgive her. While your inner child is like, No way am I trusting this person again. So it's really important to really get connected with yourself and get out of the mind and into the heart. A second question you could ask yourself is what does it feel like in your body to think about getting back together, the body holds so much wisdom, that we need to start listening to what our body is telling us. So what arises when you think about getting back together with your ex fear terror? Do you feel this in your body? Do you feel some of these emotions in your gut? Do you feel your heart do you feel closed off? Do you feel open connect to your body and ask that part of your body that may be arising when you ask this question to say when you ask this question, you feel a ping in your gut connect with that ask that part of your body. What are you telling me what does this mean? And three Are you afraid to be alone? I asked this because it Interesting that you wonder if that's her fear, because I find myself wondering if that's your fear? Just a question to ponder. I also want to say that I want you to be careful of blaming this man for manipulating your ex. Now, I'm not saying he didn't manipulator he very well may have. But I find we're able to be manipulated when we are not in our own hearts. So I have been manipulated many times throughout my life, I have been manipulatable. And I have also been manipulative, I will take responsibility for both. And this is a tricky subject, because it can cause so many wounds, and it can cause us to not trust ourselves when we are manipulated. But what we will find through healing from manipulation is that we really were going against ourselves when we were manipulated. And I found it requires reconciliation with self to heal. Now, I mentioned this because if I'm blunt with you, I'm not sure how important this is that she was manipulated for you. And for you healing this and deciding if you should get back with your ex, yes, she may have been manipulated, but in the end, she broke up with you. For someone else, even if she was manipulated, she went looking outside of your relationship for something she probably was looking for from you, and that she probably needs to find within herself. So I'm going to give an example of this in case that was confusing. So as I spoke of in the above example, where my partner and I would play a pattern of triggering each other, so I would become mean because he was absent and he would become more absent because I was mean and then I'd become meaner because he'd become more absent, and then he'd become more absent and so on. But just say that one of us met someone else while we were playing out this pattern. So say I met somebody who would give me all the attention in the world, I could cheat on my partner, I could have cheated on my partner when we were playing out that loop. And I could fill this void for a while. But eventually, this other person would either stop filling that void for me, or I would find something else wrong with that person, because I was really looking for attention from myself. So I offer that because when you're making your decision, you want to be honest with yourself, it is so easy for us to see the best in people, especially those we love, I can easily do this, I can see everyone's greatest potential, I have a gift for seeing people's true selves through all the pain and trauma. But throughout my life, this has gotten me in trouble. Why? Because I ignore red flags. But what I've had to learn to do is to really see what someone is showing me right now, in the present, I can see somebody's greatest potential while also seeing that right here in the present, they're blatantly showing me that they have no plans to change anytime soon, and that they will continue to play out these painful patterns. So I mentioned this, because when you take the time to reflect, I advise that you look at the facts. And I don't know what these are. So this is for you. And for anyone else who is listening to this question, and may be able to apply your situation to a similar situation they're experiencing. So here's some more questions to reflect on to get clarity on this. Has your ex taken any ownership of her decisions and actions and how they affected you? Has your axe created a roadmap to show you how things will be different moving forward? Has your ex gotten a therapist, this is a great one for people to do if they're unsure of their patterns, but they know they want to change. So this is a great way for somebody to show that they are willing to change. Has your ex apologized for how she hurt you. Many, many people have trouble with this one. I don't know why it's so hard for people to say I'm sorry. But I have found that so many people beat around the bush of taking responsibility for their actions. A simple I'm sorry, without a follow up like, but let me explain. Or a classic, I'm sorry, you feel that way. Just as simple I'm sorry, can go so far. And it's a real sign of maturity, right? So we can make mistakes. Somebody can cheat on somebody and learn from that experience and take responsibility for it and be willing to work really hard to repair the trust that was broken. That is 100% possible. But you want to as the person who was cheated on to see if your partner or your ex is that person, if they're taking responsibility if they're clearly growing from the experience, or if they're shutting down from the experience, right? You want somebody who's willing to look at themselves, and who's able to create space for you in order for you to heal throughout this. And it sounds like in this case, she's acknowledged that this neighbor hurt her emotionally. And my question is how she acknowledged that she did the exact same thing to you. I don't know the answer to this. I don't have all the details here. Another thing I want to mention is that you are not alone in this for all the men out there. I have received many questions from men over the last couple of weeks expressing a similar situation to yours where the woman they were with either left them or told them that they needed to change and then went and cheated, and then the woman regretted it. So I want to offer grace to all the men out there that feel like they're entirely being blamed for the problems in their relationship as I always say relationships are a two way street. And they require healthy communication. I'll be doing a episode on relationship communication next week. But for now, be kind to yourself as you heal this. And if you decide to get back with your ex or not, I invite you to look into a relationship book to learn more about healthy communication. So two books I always recommend are getting the love you want. And The Five Love Languages. Those two books really helped my relationship. There are millions of books out there, spend time on Amazon, read the description, see what works best for you getting the love you want was a book I heard about on the Oprah show. So it's a classic. So that one I also think is really good. It has a great framework for communication for healthy communication. And again, as I mentioned in the previous question, it wasn't until my partner and I were able to communicate our love languages and able to communicate in a healthy way that we were able to change the patterns we were playing out. So if you reflect on all those questions, and you're still not sure, my final piece of advice is just to not rush it. Don't rush yourself to make this decision. And don't let anybody ultimatum you. I mentioned this because I tried to ultimatum my partner ones. That's a story for another day, and it just creates distrust it is very unhealthy. So don't let anybody ultimatum you. Everybody out there. ultimatums are unhealthy, and don't let anybody convince you that they're not. Because we live in a world that talks about ultimatums ultimatums, are not healthy. So take the time to decide, take the time to sit with your heart, take the time to talk with her to get a feel for where she's at. Because I also don't think it's your responsibility to be the emotional rock. Throughout this, she needs to take some personal responsibility and moving forward, she would likely need to be patient with you, because you're going to still have a lot of feelings about how this ended. I also advise you to be kind yourself. I don't think there's a wrong answer. And I think if you do get back together, you'll know quickly if this was the right choice or not, your heart will communicate that with you. So if you decide to get back with your ex or not, I really believe that you'll find someone else if you decide not to. You have so much awareness and I can feel your kind heart through this question. You deserve someone who treats you well. You deserve someone who's also working on themselves and wants to grow with you. If you decide to be single, I think single is a great time, as I mentioned, we undervalue it in our society. But being single is an amazing time to get to know ourselves and to learn and become intentional about what we want in a relationship going forward. And if you decide not to get back with your ex, it's okay to be picky moving forward. I know if my partner and I broke up, I would be incredibly picky with who I dated. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know my words, and I know what I will and will not tolerate. And a lot of people in this world behave in ways I will not tolerate. And I'll just leave that at that. I hope something in this answer was helpful. Again, your heart knows the answer, trust what it guides you to. I am sending you so much love. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher [Outro] 43:01
Thank you again for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful for everyone who listened. And I am so grateful to have these conversations each week. If you are interested in supporting the podcast, then I would ask for you to consider leaving a five star rating and a review. Ratings and Reviews really helped to bring more people to the podcast and help people to know that it is a safe space to have these tough conversations. So if you're interested in supporting the podcast, you can leave a five star rating and a review on Apple podcasts. Currently, I think it's only apple that does ratings and reviews. So if you have an iPhone, you can open the podcast app and look up new view advice and at the bottom if you scroll to the bottom of the episode page, you will see where you can leave a rating and review. Thanks again for tuning in to another episode of newView advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
