09: Anxiety Relief: Healing Anxious Thoughts, Social Anxiety, and the Fear of the Future
Anxiety can make it difficult to live in the present moment. In this episode, Amanda talks about why so many people suffer from constant anxiety, how to start looking at your fears and anxiety, how to start grounding and relieving your anxiety today, and how to start healing your anxious thoughts.
This post contains affiliate links to some of my favorite tools and resources. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Full terms & conditions here.
In this episode, you will learn about:
Why so many people suffer from constant anxiety
Why anxiety isn’t always a bad thing
How to start looking at your fears
Why anxiety is often linked to a fear of life and a fear of the future
Social Anxiety
Techniques for grounding yourself in the present moment
Anxiety relief
Changing our limiting beliefs
Overcoming anxiety and becoming more present
Episode References:
Anxiety Relief Techniques (Question 1)
Start jotting down your anxious thoughts so you can become aware of them
Write down your fears and start becoming curious about where they originated from
Box Breathing – Check out my TikTok
Grounding Techniques – connecting with your senses, sight, touch, smell, taste, sound
Meditation – List of Free Meditation Apps
Create a morning routine
Watch your media consumption – On my iPhone I use settings to limit the amount of time I use certain apps
EFT Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique)
Butterfly Hugs
Journal – Few Suggestions:
What thoughts do I have when I am in large groups or before going out in large groups?
What are my biggest fears when it comes to social situations? Where did these originate?
What’s the first memory I have of being socially anxious?
Am I afraid of being judged? Why?
What age do I feel like when I become overwhelmed and anxious at the thought of going out in large social groups? What does this inner child need to hear?
Create gratitude lists
Identify your limited beliefs – Intro Video
Create affirmations and mantras based on your limiting beliefs
Use your creativity
Ex: Create a story where the protagonist has the same fears as you and overcomes them in the end
Connecting with your inner child – Check out Episode 5 for suggestions on how to do that
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz
Free Resource Corner
Create a Safe Place Meditation
As I mentioned on this week’s podcast episode, a great tool for anxiety is to create a safe place through meditation to always be able to visualize when you are feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. You can listen to the end of this episode for some tips on how to do this, or check out this guided meditation by Therapy in a Nutshell:
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
5:59 Listener Question 1
23:21 Listener Question 2
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:01
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hi, beautiful soul. My name is Amanda Durocher. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a podcast where I answer listener questions about life relationships, healing, and so much more. Or today's topic, we are going to be discussing anxiety. So my belief about anxiety is that anxiety is a normal emotion. So anxiety is actually a good thing. It is our body's fear response. So, anxiety is often telling us when danger is approaching. But anxiety becomes a problem. When we have constant anxiety and we can't differentiate why we're anxious. My goal is not to get rid of your anxiety, my goal is to help you to heal what's beneath your constant anxiety and also to offer you techniques with your anxiety. Because the truth is, you might always feel anxious on the first day of school or the first day of a new job or like a first date. Because anxiety is a response to when we think there's danger. And this is often with unpredictable situations. So your first day at work, you might not know what to expect. So you might feel anxious in your stomach. So anxiety is not a bad thing. But the problem is, so many of us live with anxiety constantly. And that's because we have a constant fear of life, a constant fear of the future, a constant fear of others. It's this not trusting ourselves not trusting life, that leaves us with this constant state of anxiety. And so I'm somebody who struggled with anxiety for a very long time, I used to have constant anxiety, I used to have social anxiety, I used to be very anxious. And this was because I had a lot of childhood wounds I needed to heal from. And I found that as I healed my past, as I healed the things, the energies, the emotions, the events that were stuck in my body, this helped me to become less anxious. So that's where we're going to start this conversation from. And that's kind of my take on anxiety. As I mentioned, I used to always have anxiety, there used to always be a pit in my stomach. And it was always there because my body was always on edge. And it was always preparing for the unknown. And this is very common in adults who had childhoods that were unpredictable. So what does this mean? So this consists of an environment that a child would consider unsafe, which could be emotional abuse. So if you had parents who yelled parents who neglect to do parents who are constantly critical, this also can include physical abuse, or sexual abuse. And this can develop when you have a parent also who's emotionally immature. So this parent could cry a lot and get angry a lot. And as a child, you feel unsafe, because you don't know how mom or dad or your caregiver is going to react. So this anxiety develops because you are living in a constant state of unknown. Because if your parents aren't able to, or your caregivers aren't able to create this safe environment for you to grow up, and you start to develop coping strategies on how to remain safe. That's just how the human body works. And anxiety is one of these coping strategies, we become anxious so that we're always on edge so that we're always prepared. The idea is to always be prepared for danger. But the truth is, This just creates a lot more problems for us as people who are constantly anxious. And also, if you had a parent who was extremely anxious, this could be something you just picked up from them, like, Oh, I'm supposed to always fear the future. So I'm always going to fear the future. So I believe anxiety is curable, the constant anxiety but as I mentioned, I think anxiety is a very normal emotion. I think anxiety when it works properly in our bodies is a great communicator of what's going on in our environment. And now because I don't struggle from constant anxiety when I get anxious, I started asking myself questions, why am I anxious? What's going on? What is my body trying to communicate with me? Because the truth is, our bodies are always trying to communicate with us. And anxiety is one of those. But living with constant anxiety is so hard. It's almost debilitating, because it's hard to be calm in the present moment. So today we're going to be discussing some tools about how to get back into the present moment, and also how to start looking at why you might live with constant anxiety. So I believe that having constant anxiety having this constant sense of anxiety, and for me it was a constant dread like I constantly dread Did everything I dreaded what would happen all the time, I never thought life was good. So to me, constant anxiety is a sign that you don't trust life. You don't trust that life is here to serve you. And you don't trust that you're in control of your own life, you feel very out of control. So I want to help you have a healthy relationship with your anxiety. It's hard to know what our bodies are trying to tell us when we have constant anxiety. So today, we're going to start the conversation about anxiety. And anxiety is so common, I feel like everybody I talked to is a little anxious. I also just want to say that if you're struggling with constant anxiety, you are not alone. It is so common. I also think the past year we had was so anxiety inducing. I mean, we were living in a constant state of the unknown, living through a pandemic living through quarantine. And that was really anxiety inducing for a lot of people. So I think this is a super important topic to discuss. And let's just jump on in.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 5:59
Question one, dear new view advice 2020 was a hard year for me, I have a tendency to worry and overthink, which was only exacerbated by the pandemic, not being able to see friends and family was really hard on me. And I feel like I had to handle all the stress on my own. Even though the world is getting back to normal, I find that I am still anxious all of the time. For example, normal chores or minor obstacles in my day lead to me becoming very anxious and overwhelmed. What can I do to stay sane and get back to my life? Thank you for this question. I think that you have expressed something that is very common right now. And I think a lot of people are experiencing a lot of heightened anxiety because of the world we're living in. And I think it's very true for a lot of people that even though the world is opening up, they're still finding themselves anxious and affected mentally and in their bodies by the trauma we really experienced as a collective in the last year. So thank you so much for this question. I think this is very relevant. So I just want to start with, I'm really sorry that 2020 was a hard year for you. It was a hard year for a lot of people, but I just want you to take a moment to breathe and to thank yourself for making it through 2020 for getting to this point. That was a hard year for a lot of people, a lot of people were not prepared for what we just went through and that we're going to be seeing the after effects of it. There was a toll on our mental health last year. And your question is that toll that you are thrown into a an environment where you are not prepared for how to handle, I just want to say that you're where you're at. And just thank yourself for being here today. thank yourself for surviving the year for surviving the anxiety. So I'm not sure where you're writing in from, I can only speak to the US about the reopening. I know that in most states here were reopened and it feel like it happened a little overnight. To be completely honest. I feel like everything was shut down in certain states. And then all of a sudden, brought on the world. No social distancing, no masks, and that's great. It's great that the world's reopening, but I can totally see how this could be anxiety inducing for a lot of people. So my advice for you is that you definitely need to implement some present moment techniques into your life. Because what is happening if you're unable to do your normal chores, or a little obstacles aren't getting overwhelming, it's because your anxiety is a constant loop in your head. So this is very common. And that's why it's so important for us to learn how to live more in the present moment. One of my favorite quotes is that depression is living in the past, anxiety is living in the future, we need to live in the present moment. It's something like that. And that quote is just such a great reminder about what's really going on when we are anxious. So when we are anxious, we are fearing the future. So first, we're going to talk about feeling up this anxiety and then I'm going to give you a few tips for the present moment. I found that with my anxiety, it really didn't go away until I started to look at why I was constantly anxious, and the why I was constantly anxious where my fears healing anxiety is not an overnight thing. So it's important to integrate the techniques I'm going to talk about throughout this episode and other techniques you can find online. There's so much out there about anxiety, but my take is that to heal that constant anxiety, it starts with healing your fears. So my first recommendation for you is that you should start jotting down in a notebook in a journal the fears that are arising for you. So when are you most anxious? Are you always anxious? Or do you notice your most anxious when You have to start working, or when you're go out with friends or when you're all alone, or when you have nothing to do just start noticing if there's a time that makes you more anxious than others. And if that that loop then continues to stay with you throughout your day. But I also want you to start looking at your fears and where they come from. So a lot of anxiety stems from, as I mentioned earlier, our childhoods. So for me, as somebody who was raped in their childhood, I developed a constant state of anxiety, because I had such a horrific thing happened to me that I, as a child could not process. So I feared the future all the time. Like what if something traumatic happens to me again. And the truth is a lot of trauma victims are afraid of trauma happening again. And a big part of healing from trauma is learning to trust life again. So for me, that was one reason I had constant anxiety. My second reason was, in my childhood, there was a lot of yelling, and living with someone who yells creates a constant fear that you don't know how someone's going to react, and it leaves you on the edge of your seat. So that left me also with a state of anxiety. And I think parents who yell is, unfortunately, not all that uncommon. And so many of us can develop anxiety from that. So I find that if you want to heal this, if you really want to heal this, you need to start delving into the reasons why you don't trust life, and why it's hard for you to stay in the present moment. So that is often from trauma. This question I also want to delve into real quick, the COVID aspect that a lot of us experienced in the last year. And I think a lot of us were really afraid of getting COVID. And the truth is, I want you to start asking yourself why you were so afraid in the past year. And if you're afraid of getting COVID Why were you afraid of getting COVID? Why are you afraid of getting COVID? Why are you afraid of getting sick? And then are you afraid of death, because I think a lot of us fear death, the fear of death is a big fear that along your healing journey you have to reconcile with, you have to reconcile with the fact that you don't have the next day guaranteed that you do die at some point. And that is why it is so important for you to live in the present moment. Because if we're constantly fearing death, and we're trying to prevent death, which is inevitable, we are human and death is inevitable. It is part of our life process. And it's part of what makes life so beautiful. Right? If you can start to get to the point with death, that doesn't mean you want to die. reconciling with the fact that we die does not mean you want to die. It's similar with forgiveness. It's like just when you forgive someone, and you reconcile with things that happened to you in your past, it's not condoning what happened. And it just freeing that energy up within yourself because you deserve to live with more space, lighter, happier, more grateful. And one of those things that we kind of have to forgive is the fact that we do die. And I don't want to spend too much time on that. But I do just want to say that. Like I mentioned, death makes life beautiful, because it makes every present moment matter. If we had forever, then we would take life for granted. And the beautiful thing is we don't have forever we don't even know when we die. So that makes life such a gift. So I would recommend to anybody who really fears death, to switch your thought patterns and to start thinking life every day you wake up in the morning, first thought first thing you do in the morning to start being thank you for another day. I am so grateful to be here. I will not waste today I will live today to the best of my ability because wow is today a gift. Because I know that today is not guaranteed. I know that tomorrow's not guaranteed. So every day I wake up in the morning, it means I still have a reason to be on this earth. Damn am I grateful for that. It is so important to start thinking life instead of being afraid of it. Because it really is a gift that we get to be here. It's a miracle that your body is here in human form. Don't take it for granted. And living anxiously is really fearing the future. So I just wanted to offer that for anyone that might help. So I want you to start looking at where your fears might come from where your fear of the future why you're so anxious if there was a childhood trauma that could have created this for you, like I mentioned, how my anxiety was created. And I also want you to start thinking life and waking up and switching those thoughts from anxious to gratitude. So I know that it can be really hard to do start this process. So the journal is going to be really good for you to start figuring out where the anxiety is rooted in, and what you really fear and why you have trouble trusting life. And again, like I said, it really could be a trauma response, I really think, anxiety, so often a trauma response. And if you can figure out your route anxiety, like the root of your childhood, because it could also be chronic, right, like, if you had a critical parent who's critical for 18 years of your life, you're going to be anxious, because you're going to always be on edge that somebody's going to criticize you. And so you have to start healing that relationship. So journaling is a great way to start with that. I also think for you that since you're having trouble doing chores, and minor obstacles, you're gonna want to implement some breathing techniques into your day. So as I've talked about, in the past, I'm a big proponent of box breathing. This is something that the Navy SEALs use, because they're in such high stress situations. So box breathing is breathing in for whatever account you pick, I usually pick for. So breathing in for for holding for, for breathing out for for holding for four, and then doing it again, breathing in for four, holding for, for breathing out for four, holding for four, and repeating that box breath and counting the breath. For as long as it needs to get you back into the present moment. It's a really great way to ground yourself, when you find that those thoughts in your head go crazy. I have a tick tock video where I demonstrate that my tic TOCs at newView advice if you want to see me walk you through that. But I also know that some people have trouble even getting to that point of breathing. Getting to that point of meditation because meditation is huge for anxiety. I can't stress meditation enough. But I think that another thing that if you have trouble even doing that, how to ground yourself in the present moment, your thoughts are going crazy. You're like, oh my god, I have so much to do, oh
my God, what's going to happen? Oh, my God, oh my god, you just take a moment, you start noticing the colors in the room. So the room I'm in right now it's like, that pillow is purple. The wall is yellow, that blanket is green, my computer is beige. This towel is yellow, my microphone is gray. And you'll find that just starting to notice the details of the room, I usually pick colors, we can really notice any type of details will start to ground you back into the present moment. And that's what I usually do. But you can also add in touching. So you can touch your hand. And just notice how that feels like Oh, my hands a little dry right now. Touch your legs, touch your shoulders, old yourself. And just get back into this present moment through your senses. So notice sight, notice touch. Listen, what do you hear, I hear the sound of cars outside right now. It just brings you back into this present moment to start using your senses. And what do you smell, I smell the essential oils I was using in this room beforehand. So it's just slowing down and noticing what's around you. And then after that, it might be easier for you to start taking a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. But these type of techniques, grounding techniques, breathing techniques, meditation are so important when you're anxious, because you need to learn how to slow down. That's really the key with anxiety is learning how to slow down. So as you start looking at your fears, and why you are constantly anxious, you also want to be implementing these techniques throughout your day. So you'll find that you might start noticing the colors 12 times a day when you start this. And then throughout time, it'll be eight, and then it'll be six times and then four. And then maybe you'll do it occasionally, because you'll find that you're becoming less anxious. So I also just want to quickly stress meditation. I think that for anxious people, starting your day with a meditation is a great thing. Having a morning routine is so great for people who are anxious because our mornings really set the tone for the rest of our day. So you want to start implementing a morning routine, where you do a few of these grounding practices. It doesn't have to be more than five minutes. I mean, I think people get really intimidated by like, you want me to add another thing to my day. I want you if you have that thought, I don't have time for morning routine. I want you to go on your phone and check your screen time on your cell phone. Because I will tell you people spend hours a week on their phone. I barely touched my phone and I somehow spent three and a half hours on my phone last week per day. What I mean It's bonkers how much time we spend on our phones. So I challenge you to take five to 10 of those minutes where you scroll through social media and dedicate To grounding yourself into this present moment. And the last thing I'm going to recommend for you is that since you have become very anxious throughout the past year, it is so important for you to watch the media you are consuming. Were at the other end of this pandemic, I would recommend that you don't turn on the news. Don't follow news accounts do not follow anything because our news is unfortunately, very fear mongering and it's very fear based. And that is going to create more anxiety in you, because our news barely tells us the news anymore. It's very much like trying to predict the future. So of course, it's giving people anxiety because it's giving like every worst case scenario out there. That's possible. So you need to limit your consumption of this fear based media. I also want you to look at your social media. Do certain people make you anxious? Do certain counts make you anxious? Certain people make you feel a certain way, unfollow them, I don't care if you think they're gonna be offended, unfollow them, your mental health is the most important thing right now. If you're constantly anxious, you need to prioritize your mental health, and healing this anxiety as your number one priority, because you will not be able to enjoy life with a constant sense of anxiety and a constant sense of dread. So you need to prioritize your health. So if that means you unfollow some girl from high school, or if that means that you don't follow certain celebrities, or people who make you feel bad about yourself, get it out, and do not follow fear based things. Right now, we're in a world where people will tell you who you need to follow how you need to be educated about everything. No, you don't. If your mental health isn't at 100, you do not need to know everything about everything. You will not be able to help anyone who needs your help. If your mental health is not good, if your mental health is suffering. So if the more you prioritize yourself, the more you heal yourself, the more you will be able to show up for people, the more you will be able to be compassionate, the more you'll be able to take in without internalizing it and fearing it. That is the goal here, I am able to do this podcast and I am able to offer you advice and to help listeners and to offer all this knowledge because I took the time to heal myself. And when I healed myself, what I found was the one thing I wanted to do at the end of it was to make sure other people had the tools to heal themselves as well, because there is nothing I have ever done. That is more important than this healing journey I went on. And I'm so passionate about how much I love life. Now, I didn't have it easy, but I'm still able because of my healing to be so grateful for life. And I want you to get there too. And the first step for you is starting to ask yourself questions around this anxiety and implementing grounding techniques. Mindfulness Meditation, really prioritizing your mental health because I know how amazing you are. I know how much you deserve to live a life of happiness. You're a beautiful soul. You're beautiful. And God granted you this life. God gave you this life for a reason. And if you are still here today, listening to this podcast, you have a reason to be here on this earth. And that is amazing. That is a gift. Don't take it for granted. I love you.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 23:21
Question two: New View Advice. I have social anxiety, which makes creating and maintaining friendships difficult. It is definitely hard to meet new people staying at home. My existing friendships often fade over time because I don't like to go out to bars and other large social gatherings. However, I often feel lonely when I don't join my friends when they go out. Is there a way I can overcome my anxiety? Thank you for this question. I think social anxiety is very common. I think a lot of people experience anxiety when they go out with groups and with people. There's a lot of unknown there and a lot of unpredictability. So thank you for this question. So when I think of social anxiety, which I want to start with, I used to suffer from extreme social anxiety. It was actually a reason I used to drink. It made it easier for me to be in large groups and be at bars and social gatherings. I felt like alcohol helped with my anxiety and it helped me to be less anxious, but really what it was just doing, the alcohol was disconnecting my body and my mind. So it was like shutting off the connection with my anxiety, but it was still there. Anyway, I don't recommend that. Drinking because you're anxious is not a good relationship with your body. It's not a good relationship with alcohol. And the truth is you just end up more anxious the next day. I really think that social anxiety stems from the fear of being judged by others, and the fear of not being good enough. So social anxiety is really worrying what other people think of you. So for you that is going to be your main focus for healing, why you are so anxious around other people and why you care so much what other people think of you. And when I say that, like care what other people think it's like, why are you so afraid of others? Why are you are you afraid of criticism? Are you afraid of being physically attacked? Where's your fear coming from around other people, but that's really what it is because I used to have social anxiety and the root of it was not feeling good enough, was being so worried what other people thought of me was, are people going to think I'm weird? Are people not gonna like me? Are people gonna bully me? I also had a real fear of being physically attacked. And all that made it really hard for me to leave the house. So I totally relate to this question. I had a therapist once say to me, you know, we walk into rooms, social anxious, people saying, I hope someone here likes me. I had a therapist say to me, why don't you switch that thought? To who here? Do I like, take your power back. Everybody doesn't have to like you in a room. And you also don't have to like everybody either. So start asking yourself who do I like, when you're having conversations? It's like, do I like this person? So that was one tip I got. And that really helped me with my mindset to be like, Who do I like in this room? Take the power back. It doesn't matter who likes me Who do I like? Who do I want to spend more time with the root of this is really going to be you sitting with why you care so much what other people think of you. And this is often because we don't feel good enough, or we don't feel worthy as we are. And again, this is a effect of trauma, though. So often when we as children don't feel good enough for our parents, we don't feel worthy of love. When we've experienced trauma, emotional, physical, sexual abuse, we internalize this, and then we don't feel good enough. And then we're always looking for outside validation. That's the other thing with social anxiety. We're like looking for other people to make us feel better. And the truth is, the only person who can make you feel better is you. So you need to start some self love practices, you need to start looking at your fears around being in groups and where the stems you have to find the root. Because this is a hard one, you really do have to start sitting with why you don't feel enough. Why do you don't feel like you're the equal of the people you're in the room with. Because social anxiety is often we feel like we don't belong, or we feel like people might not like us, or we can get overwhelmed. So that's my first advice to you really start sitting with the root of why you may not feel good enough, why you may not feel worthy, find the root. What is it for you. Also, a lot of people who have experienced trauma or are very introverted actually have a really hard time with all the stimulus of being at bars at being at large gatherings. My other piece of advice to you is, if you're fine with people, one on one, or in small groups, start asking people to meet you in other places. So for you, it might be really great to meet in places of nature, so to meet at the beach, meet at parks, because Mother Nature is so grounding. So sitting on the earth, while you're in a larger group, or even one on one could really help keep you grounded. Because the other problem is with anxiety is we often start leaving our bodies, we're basically in our head and up. We're not really in our bodies. So for you another thing I highly recommend is starting to implement physical practices. So if you know you're going to a bar, you know you're going to large social gathering, you should work out beforehand, you should do something in your body, because the act of physically doing things in your body. So physically using resistance, like weight training, or running intentionally running and stomping your feet on the pavement will get you in your body before you go to this event. So that could really help you. I also think you should implement EFT tapping Emotional Freedom Technique. I've talked about this in previous episodes, but EFT tapping is tapping certain meridian points on your body and saying mantras, and it's great for anxiety. I'll link a video in my show notes. And I'll link a video that really introduces it a lot better than I just did. And one specifically for anxiety. But EFT is a great way basically it helps you to ground into your body by tapping these meridian points and to whatever emotion you have up it helps to dissipate it and helps to move that emotion. So when I'm working with emotions, I always pictured them leaving my feet and heading into the earth. So EFT if you get familiar with it, you can do anywhere. So if you found yourself getting anxious, you could excuse yourself, go to the bathroom and tap in a bathroom stall. And you only have to do it for like a couple of minutes. And you'll notice that it really does help. And another easy thing to implement would be butterfly hugs. You cross your arms and an axe and then you put your hands on opposite shoulders, and you just tap and you just hold yourself. I usually just repeat I am safe in this present moment. I love myself. And I repeat that as a butterfly tap as long as they want and it's just a way to, as I mentioned in the first question, activate those senses. And I just think when social anxiety is involved, we often leave our bodies for safety. So it's really important for you to find physical practices to ground your So, so those are some grounding techniques, like I said, I really think physical touch would help you. As always meditations really important, I think you need to start sitting with your feelings around the social anxiety around yourself and implementing more self love practices. So why you love yourself making lists of how great you are. And really creating mantras could help you, I am safe in groups, I love myself, I am funny, just as I am, I am worthy just as I am. Because that social anxiety, as I mentioned, it's really the root is that you don't feel good enough to be there. So many of us are programmed from childhood to stay small, especially as women, and that we're not supposed to take up space. So being in a large gathering with loud people who take up space, who own their space, can be really intimidating. And I just want you to be kind and patient with yourself, I definitely think it's possible for you to overcome this anxiety. And I think the first step is really looking at why you don't feel like you're good enough and really healing that and much of that will stem from your childhood will stem from people either actually saying that to you, or will stem from you interpretating certain situations as if you weren't good enough. And so much of that goes back to our relationship with our parents, we had parents who were critical parents who weren't around or parents who are emotionally unavailable. Oftentimes, we internalize that as if it's our fault. And then we don't feel good enough for their love good enough to be here. And, and we take that with us into adulthood. So I just want to let you know you are good enough, you will overcome this anxiety. And for you, it's going to be really looking at those fears, it's going to be really learning how to ground yourself, and really sitting with yourself and practicing self love. Because the social anxiety is also that you're expecting other people to show up a certain way you're afraid how they're going to show up. But as long as you know that you've got your back, you will find that this social anxiety starts to dissipate. It's that you don't trust yourself right now. So you have to implement, like I said, the grounding the being in the present moment, and the self love and the looking at your fears, because that those fears of not being good enough or whatever you experienced, I don't know from this question. It could be a traumatic incident, it could be bullying, bullying creates social anxiety, for sure. So many of us were bullied, I was bullied, and it can be have lasting effects. So it's healing that because that gets stuck in the body. And the thing about trauma is two people could experience the same thing, I could be called fat and the girl next to me could be called fat. And we could both internalize it entirely differently. One person could rub it off, and another can be traumatized for life, and develop an eating disorder, we just don't know. And the key is not to judge yourself for whatever these fears that arise are, and to love yourself and to forgive yourself through that. And a way I recommend to start looking at those fears are to start sitting with your inner child, as I talked about a lot, and to see what comes up. When you think about going out in public. When you think about going out in large gatherings. What are your fears? What are the phrases that start to arise? When you get that anxious pit in your stomach? Pay attention? What
are the thoughts running through your head and write them down? And then ask yourself if it's true, right? Like, I'm afraid, I'm not gonna wear the right thing. And then read it and ask yourself it really matter what you wear. Or maybe you're afraid that somebody's going to bully you for what you are, or somebody's gonna make fun of you. And then you would ask yourself, why you have that fear? Where did that originate from? Because it's not true, right? That's a limiting belief that you could wear the wrong thing. But somebody might have once told you, you did wear the wrong thing. So then you now fear wearing the wrong thing, right? You want to fit in so many of us just want to fit in. So I hope some of this helps. This is just really a beginning talk about social anxiety. If anybody has more questions about social anxiety, I'm happy to continue this conversation because I think it's really, really common. So thank you for your question.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 34:05
Question three, dear New View Advice. Like many aspiring writers and artists, we strive to be the best of ourselves so that in turn, we can inspire those who come across our work to believe that something bigger awaits them. Nevertheless, like all higher callings we seek to accomplish and transform from dreams into something more realized. There's always some form of adversity that materializes to hold us back. For me recently, it's been dealing with a variety of health issues, not COVID A sense of detachment due to most of my friends being in various parts of the world other than Vancouver, getting laid off at work and preparing for law school in the UK, with a multitude of roadblocks emerging, coupled with a few doors that have opened that will doubtlessly lead to more roadblocks. It's left me in a place with a lack of direction In anxiety, and uncertainty, I was just wondering if you had any advice on how to handle these difficult feelings? Thank you for this question. I think this is such a beautiful question. This is so beautifully written. And I want to thank you for writing in. I think that a lot of people can relate to having fears of the future, because that's really how I interpret this question is there's a lot of unknown in your future. And you're left with, as you say, a lack of direction, anxiety and uncertainty. So the first thing I want to talk about when it comes to this question is I want to take a moment to talk about limiting beliefs. So I don't know how much I've talked about limiting beliefs so far on this podcast, but limiting beliefs are beliefs, we hold our ideas that we hold true within our minds, and those end up affecting our lives. So on our healing journey, we realized that we hold a lot of beliefs. And a great book that I would recommend for you to read would be the Four Agreements where it talks about the Four Agreements, our agreement one is Be impeccable with your word, agreement. Two is don't take anything personally. Agreement three is don't make assumptions and agreement for as always do your best. So the idea is that with these four agreements, if you live your life, with being impeccable to your word, with not taking things personally, with not making assumptions and always doing your best that you will live in a state of happiness, because you will no longer believe the lies of this world. And I'm talking about limiting beliefs. Because when I read your question, two limiting beliefs really pop out at me. And so the first limiting belief I read in your question was nevertheless like all higher callings we seek to accomplish and transform from dreams into something more realized. There is always some form of adversity that materializes to hold us back. Okay, so that's one limiting belief. And the other limiting belief is that with a multitude of roadblocks emerging, coupled with a few doors that have opened that will doubtlessly lead to more roadblocks, it's left me in a place of, you know, lack of direction, anxiety, uncertainty. So this statement that there's always some form of adversity, and that there will doubtlessly lead to more roadblocks. These are two limiting beliefs. So basically, with these statements, you are limiting what could happen, because the truth is our minds create our realities. And that's what the Four Agreements talks about. So the verb agreements really talks about how we're all living our own dreams, it's the way he puts it. So we're all seeing the world through our own perceptions of the world, through our own lenses from our own personal experiences. So the beliefs we believe are really from the way we've lived. So you believing that there's always some form of of adversity Is your own belief that is not true. And you thinking that there will be doubtlessly lead to more roadblocks. That's not true. at all, I would say that an important thing for you is to start working on changing these limiting beliefs and changing your mindset. So a few ways you can do this is one for you, I think you should start doing gratitude lists, I think it's important for you to start being grateful rather than fearing the future. Because your question to me has a lot of fear of the unknown fear of what's next. And because of that, you're not living in the present moment. So you're not allowing opportunities to come in your life. Because the other thing is, even if roadblocks emerge with your creative works, or you do hit some adversity, the key when these things happen, are to find the lesson in what you learned. Rather than see it as adversity. The key is to be like, Oh, through this experience, and through this person I met, I learned this, this is how I would handle this situation next time or so for example, with creative work, so you're sending it to someone and they're not interested in buying it or being your agent or your manager, whatever it may be. And you view this as a roadblock. A key way to switch this type of mindset would be to view this as you know, you have to feel your feelings feel like that you're bummed out that it didn't work out. But then you switch your mindset by trusting life and saying, I guess that person or that opportunity wasn't what's right for me. I trust that, that there's someone out there who will be my agent, there's someone out there will be my manager, there's somebody who will buy my piece of art, because I know that this is inevitable. Because the other thing you have to know is that because you're a creative person, as creatives is that if you have a dream, this dream can be realized. But a lot of times it's our limiting beliefs holding us back. So you believe that will doubtlessly be more roadblocks. So this might stop you from taking more actions. So I think for you, you should really start writing down these beliefs you have. So the way you can tell it's a learning belief is like is how I could see these right away and your question is that you use the word always some form of adversity and you use the word doubtlessly the tomorrow Blocks, right? These are signs of limiting beliefs, because nothing is always the case. And there's no doubtless situations, right? There's always opportunities for us. The truth is you're looking for somebody to believe in your artwork, to believe in your writing to believe in your creativity, and you need to believe in it. First, you need to be putting out the energy to the universe that I want this. I know this is possible for me. And I trust that the right opportunity will come to me at the perfect time. A great mantra for you is I am always in the right place at the right time. Say it with me, I am always in the right place at the right time. Because your question is the fear of the future, you don't know what's going on, it seems like you have a lot of different endeavors, you have a lot of different stuff going on right now. So you need to figure out what you do want, and then start focusing on it. When you feel these limiting beliefs arising like say you get rejected from an agent or say you get rejected, somebody tells you that they don't like your writing or your artwork, then it is your responsibility to sit with that, to let that move through you that might really hurt. But then to tell yourself that you love it. You'd be like, that's all right. Oh, I don't want to hurt self. Because the second part to this is along with the limiting beliefs that I want you to start writing down. And then I want you to start writing different beliefs. So for example, with your there's always some form of adversity, it materializes to hold us back, I would change this to I am always being guided to the next opportunity that serves me or I am always being guided, I trust that every step along my creative path. My creative journey is leading me to success. Or like I said before, I am always in the right place at the right time. Okay, and then the other one that will doubtlessly lead to more roadblocks, I would change this to with a multitude of roadblocks emerging coupled with a few doors that have opened that will doubtlessly lead to more roadblocks. I would change this too, with every door that closes another 10 open, or with every roadblock, I see three more paths ahead of me, you have to start trusting life. And you have to trust that you have this dream for a reason. And that this dream can be materialized. But nobody's going to do it for you. So the thing about being a creative because I know this firsthand is that you have to be your own biggest cheerleader, you have to believe in yourself more than anyone else believes in you. And as creatives we are so often looking for outside validation, we are so often looking for someone to tell us, Oh, you should keep writing or Oh, you're writing so good. Oh, you're so funny. Oh, we're looking for that. Because ours is such an internal word. Art is so internal, it's so vulnerable. And if we're not comfortable with who we are, we can find ourselves looking for outside validation. And the truth is, your validation. Your belief in yourself is the only belief that really matters. And I'm super proud of you for putting your work out there. For a lot of artists that can't even get to that step. So know that you're already killing it, you're already doing great, you are doing so well. What you really have to do is start believing in yourself. Trust me, you are worthy of everything you've ever wanted. You are worthy of your writing, being read by others, you are worthy of doors opening for you. But you need to believe in yourself first, because these limiting beliefs will hold you back, they will stop you from taking certain actions. And honestly, people can feel the energy we put out there people can feel the lack of belief in ourselves. People can feel the insecurity people can feel the desperation. So what we need to exude is authenticity, confidence and self love. Because that energy will be attached to your creative works, if that's how you feel about it. So it's really important for you to start changing your mindset. Because through this question, it's your mindset that is holding you back. It is not these roadblocks. It is not an external force. Life is on your side, life is waiting for you to work with it. If you've never heard of the law of attraction, I recommend you're looking at Esther Hicks, or Abraham Hicks, Esther Hicks channels abraham
hicks about the law of attraction. And the law of attraction is a law of the universe, that what we put out there we get back. So that's a really great person for you to look into their books, but you're worthy of everything you ever wanted. So the next thing that I would recommend for you after the limiting beliefs would be as I talked about, with most questions would be delving into why you have these beliefs. Why are so afraid of life? Why you're anxious? Why you have so much insecurity around your artwork around your creativity, why you don't believe in yourself, you, my friend, deserve to believe in yourself. You have an inner child inside of you, who's waiting for you to support them. So how you do this is you're going to start sitting in meditation and sitting with the limiting beliefs that arise, sitting with the fears that arise because the truth of the law Have creatives is we're actually more afraid of success than we are a failure. So first, if you have the fear of failure, you can sit with why you're afraid of failure. And a lot of this is we don't want other people to see us fail. And I would ask yourself, why this is a fear of yours, why it matters what other people think. But I find a lot of us are afraid of success. Because what is success really, success is more responsibility. Success is showing up more authentically, success is listening to our intuitions more success is being your own boss, especially in a creative endeavor. Success is having to show up fully in this lifetime. That terrifying for a lot of us, so I would ask yourself what you're really afraid of. But with all that said, I also want to give you some things you can practice today, because those are long term things. I want you to be patient with yourself as you work through your limiting beliefs. And so you should start implementing self love practices. I want you to start implementing gratitude lists. I mentioned this earlier in a different question. But you need to start implementing gratitude list because your mind is running crazy about how you don't have direction, how you're anxious how you're uncertain, like what is like, you start figuring out what you're grateful for right now. Because as I've said, You are not guaranteed tomorrow. So it is so important that you embrace today. And anxiety hold us in the fear of the future. And so many things that we prepare for in our mind, never happen. We spent all this time prepping for every worst case scenario. And most of our lives end up being pretty mundane, none of that stuff happens. So it's important for you to start living in the present moment, and being grateful for what you have right here right now. And for you, since you're a writer, or an artist, I would use that creativity. So sometimes when I struggle to journal art struggle connecting with these, these limiting beliefs or struggle, just journaling about it I create as a screenwriter, I create characters around these beliefs. So I'll create a really anxious character. And I'll create for different parts of my personality. I'll let these characters talk to me through the page. And they'll tell me what they're afraid of. That's more of a creative exercise for writers, but anybody can do that is using your creativity to help you through this. You talk about a higher calling, right? You have big dreams, you want to change people's lives, you want your writing to affect others. That's beautiful, because my other belief about creativity is that we are creative, because we are here to be of service. We are here to help others. Everyone is creative. By the way, this podcast is creative. So it doesn't just have to be like writing our acting, things like that. But you should use your creativity to help you heal. So write about how you feel, write a character, who is you write about your fears, put your biggest fears into a character, and then write them a story. Write them from beginning to end overcoming these fears. I talked about so many of my screenplays are therapeutic. The only stories I write are stories that my inner child needs healing from. So I really recommend that you use that creativity that you're so connected to, to help you heal this. That's a way I think you can work on this in the present moment. I think you need to connect to your inner child, you need to connect to things from your past that you might feel shame over you might feel not enough not worthy of and forgive yourself, forgive yourself for these limiting beliefs. Forgive yourself for the beliefs that you're not good enough, forgive yourself for feeling unworthy. We live in a world that teaches us that we need that external validation, which is why so many of us seek it. We're not taught from a young age, that the only opinion that matters is our own opinion of ourselves. Because the truth is the only person who you live with all day every day is you. You can't escape you. Because you're stuck with you. I'm stuck with me. So I learned I had to love me, because I wasn't able to escape me. I kept moving around moving locations thinking that a new me would appear. But no, you follow yourself everywhere you go. It looks like you're about to move to the UK, which is super exciting, congratulations. But you're going to follow you there. These limiting beliefs are going to follow you unless you change your mindset. And you have to work on loving yourself. I can't emphasize that enough. So some self love practices I've mentioned in other episodes, but I think you should implement are, as I mentioned earlier, EFT tapping. So when this anxiety emerges, tap your way out of it. And I'll link some videos, these gratitude lists. Also, since you have so many limiting beliefs, I want you to create affirmations and mantras. So these are usually I am statements, they're in the present. So like I am successful, I am worthy. I want you to write yourself at least 10 of these. And I want you to say them to yourself all day every day. Like when you've cut yourself in an anxious thought pattern. I want you to grab one of these mantras that you've written for yourself. And I want you to start working out your thoughts. I want you to start catching your thoughts because limiting beliefs are not true. They're not Not true, there are lies we tell ourselves, because these are coping strategies to protect ourselves. Because we're so afraid of being success, or we're afraid of being disappointed, or we're afraid of being rejected, that we reject ourselves first. And you don't deserve that you deserve to have everything you've ever wanted. So you have to start believing in yourself. And I promise that if you switch this mindset, when you start believing in yourself, when you start loving yourself, when you stop self blaming yourself, for all your past mistakes, that you will shift, that even if you are rejected, you will know that you're not being rejected, right? And that it's just a door closing. But as I said, one of your mantras can also be as each door closes, another 10 open. So I just want you to really start looking at these thoughts. So I think I gave you enough to think about here. If you have any follow up questions, please let me know. I really believe that everyone who has a dream, has it inside them to materialize that dream. And I just want you to know you're worthy. And I just want you to start telling yourself you're worthy. So I'm just going to say a few things that I want you to repeat after me. I am worthy. I am worthy of my heart's greatest desires. I am so lovable. My creativity is needed in this world. My creativity is here to help others. My creativity has the power to change this world. My creativity has the power to bring hope to others. I am so grateful for my creativity. Wow, what a gift. Thank you, universe, thank you life for this gift of my creativity. And with that, I want to end this question and I want to say I love you, you are worthy of all you've ever dreamed of. You just have to start believing in you.
Thank you, everyone for writing in questions about anxiety. And thank you for joining me for this conversation. So for today's free resource corner, I'm recommending that everybody start working on creating a safe place through meditation. This is a very common meditation practice. This is used in therapy. This is used in guided meditations. And I've used this in personal therapy and group therapy. And creating a safe space is that you close your eyes, you breathe, and you envision a place on this earth in your house that you've been to that you haven't been to that a figment of your imagination, or that's a real place where you feel safe. So mine is a very specific Beach, that I have never been to not yet I do trust that at some point, I'm gonna go to this beach and go, This has been my safe place for years. And each time I'm there, there's more details to it. But you start cultivating this safe place so that when you're anxious, you always have this place to go back to because the most important thing about anxiety is to start turning within and start turning into your inner world. Because anxiety would keep us out of our bodies and focus on the outside world and danger ahead. So this safe place is a great place to learn how to cultivate to turn to within you when you feel overwhelmed, anxious, scared, frightened, uncertain. I'm going to include a guided meditation I found on YouTube that guides you through creating a safe place, but you don't even need the meditation, I usually close my eyes. And I breathe, and I picture myself walking through a tropical forest that opens up to a beach. And this beach, I'm all alone. And I put my feet in the water. When you're creating the safe space really get in touch with your senses, right so I hear the sound of the ocean. I feel the sand on my feet. The wind on my face, I hear birds chirping. And I allow myself to be here until my heart rate drops down until my breathing regulates. Using our imaginations is so key for connecting with our inner world. It's just a picture of places great for you. It could be a lake, it could be your bedroom. It could be a temple, it could be the pyramids in Egypt. I mean, just trust what comes to you when you ask yourself, Where do I feel safest. And again, it doesn't have to be a place you've been before. So I hope that helps. Like I said, I'm going to include some videos in the show notes that will allow you to do this through a guided meditation if you struggled to do this on your own. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. I really appreciate everyone who listens I'm so passionate about inner work the healing journey and connect tinged with our inner world. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you have a question, I would love to hear from you. You can submit questions a few different ways. So you can email me at NewViewAdvice@gmail.com You can fill out a form on my website at www.newviewadvice.com/question. And you can also direct message me on Instagram or Tiktok @newviewadvice to submit a question as well. I also just want to say that you'll be able to access the show notes after you listen to this episode at www.newviewadvice.com/9 So thank you again, I'm so grateful to be here with you each week and to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. I love you so much. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
