58: Workplace Anxiety: How to Heal Imposter Syndrome & Deal with a Difficult Boss

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Apr 14

Workplace anxiety occurs when we feel anxious or stressed because of demanding jobs or confrontational coworkers and bosses. The symptoms of workplace anxiety can also have negative impacts on our family and personal lives.

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In this episode, I explain what work anxiety is, discuss the process for identifying the causes/triggers, and provide tools to help ease and heal work anxiety. I also answer a listener question from someone struggling with imposter syndrome and another person who loves their job but gets anxious around their boss.

Book Recommendation 📚

Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. by Brene Brown
The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level by Gay Hendricks

Suggested Episodes 🎙️

Podcast Suggestion 🔗

Nobody’s Doing It Right with Katerina Eleftheriou

More on Workplace Anxiety 📑

Timestamps ⏱️

Intro - 0:00
Teaching on Workplace Anxiety - 10:31
What causes Workplace Anxiety - 11:41
Question 1 - Imposter Syndrome - 19:38
Question 2 - Dealing with a Difficult Boss - 35:50

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host Amanda Durocher and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hi there beautiful souls. My name is Amanda Durocher. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek, I believe you have all the answers, you just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. Today we will be talking about workplace anxiety, and specifically what workplace anxiety is, where your workplace anxiety may originate from and things we can do to heal this or workplace anxiety. Anxiety is something that I think most people I talk to suffer from on some level. I know that anxiety is something I talk about in a lot of my one on one sessions, and is also something I've struggled with throughout my own life. Many of my friends and family members have also struggled from anxiety. So today we're talking about workplace anxiety. So this is specifically anxiety that happens in the workplace. So when we are talking about anxiety, the first thing we want to do is to start to notice what triggers our anxiety. So many people suffer from anxiety all day long. And I know what that feels like I used to suffer from anxiety all day long. And a lot of people will tell me that they don't know where their anxiety comes from that it doesn't come from anywhere. And I'm here to challenge that belief. I believe that anxiety does come from somewhere, I believe that every emotion we have stems from somewhere. And it just can take time patience and self awareness in order to recognize where this anxiety originates from. So at this point in my life, I don't suffer from constant anxiety. So when anxiety arises in my life is a indicator that I need to look at something that I need to be aware, or that there is something happening within my inner world. So oftentimes for me, I get anxious before I do something new. I think this is very common. When we do new things, or when changes happen in our life or when we meet new people, our body can become anxious because it's an indicator that fear is arising. And this fear can arise because our body, our mind, and our inner world is communicating to us that this is something new, and to our body that can feel dangerous. Because of in the past, bad things have happened when we try new things or when we meet new people, our body can hold that hold that information. And so anytime we meet new people or try new things, that anxiety can be triggered because it's our body letting us know that something scary me happen. And it doesn't mean something scary is going to happen. It's just the body communicating with you that there's fear arising. So a lot of times if I'm going to meet new people, my body can indicate fear. And so in that moment, I usually just take a moment to sit with myself and this can be five seconds, it can be five minutes, it can be an hour, but I just take a moment to be like, Hey, okay, I'm a little nervous, okay, some fears arising. And I usually just take a moment to calm myself and to reassure myself that I am safe, and I am protected in this present moment. So this is a lot easier for me now, because anxiety is not always present. So I'm able to communicate with this anxiety because it's occasional that it arises. But when I was on my healing journey, I used to have constant anxiety, I just lived with anxiety. It was something I had when I woke up in the morning. And it was something I had when I went to bed at night. And for a long time, I didn't actually know what that feeling was that I always had in my body because it was just always there. And throughout my healing journey identified it as anxiety that it was this constant state of fear I lived in. That's what it felt like for me. And that's what I knew it was is that I wasn't sure what was going to happen ever. So I lived with anxiety, which was fear. And many times anxiety is tied to fear. And as I said, it's just the body's communication system with you. So what I found throughout my healing journey, that when I had constant anxiety, it was because I was struggling with a lot of fears that were always present with me. And so it took me looking at each of these fears, one by one. And this took time, if I'm honest, it took years for me to alleviate that anxiety, and to create safety within myself. So in my life, I first lived with constant anxiety. I had it all the time. And that's really I became aware of it in my 20s I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood. A lot of them are very traumatic. So I don't really know how I felt as a child, but I know in my teenage years in my 20s I felt very anxious. That was the first step with my anxiety was just to notice and to recognize and to name it. I struggle with anxiety. And so throughout my healing journey as I peel back layers, I became my own safe space, which is what we talk a lot about here and which is my goal for you. If you don't feel like your own safe space is I want to help you too. cultivate a relationship with yourself, I want to help you connect back to your own heart, your own inner wisdom and to create that safety that so many people in this world are looking for. And so I wrote my healing journey, I created that safe space within myself, so I didn't feel anxious with myself anymore. But if anyone else would enter the room, anxiety would arise, because I had a lot of fears around relationships, and a lot of fears around other people. And as I continued to heal, my inner circle, my closest friends and family I no longer felt anxious with. But I would still feel anxious when I left the house and when I did something new or when I entered a new social situation. And as I continued to heal as I continue to peel back the layers, I began to feel safe when I left the house. But this all took time and happened in layers. And I just wanted to mention this upfront, because so many people struggle with anxiety. And it's really about beginning to peel back the layers of your anxiety. Because what I also have found with anxiety is that oftentimes anxiety is a fear of the future, fearing something that's has not happened yet, and many times won't happen or likely won't happen. But when we live with a constant fear of anxiety, it's often tied to the past. So say you are afraid that someone's going to hurt you, every time you leave the house or someone's going to be mean to you, or you're going to get an altercation. Anytime you leave the house, that belief is oftentimes tied to something that happened in the past, it could be something your parents always said it could be something that happened to you, it could be that your body is preparing itself, because something traumatic happened once when you left the house, or social situations, right? A lot of people suffer from social anxiety. So you fear social situations because you don't know what's going to happen. And so part of the healing journey is you recognizing is this just a little anxiety? Is this just normal social anxiety? Because my body doesn't know what's going to happen? Or is this social anxiety tied in an event in the past? Is it tied from situations or relationships or events that happened in the past, the fear of the future, very, very often is tied to the past. So in one of the questions today, I'm going to give an example of this from my own life, my fear of failure, and how that's actually tied to my relationship with my parents and how they view me and their judgments of me, or what I interpreted as their judgments of me. Because oftentimes we create beliefs, and it's because of our own mind, it's not necessarily something someone else has said. So I wanted to give that intro upfront, because today we're going to be talking about anxiety from this point of view where I really believe you can heal your anxiety, I do not think you have to live with anxiety forever. I personally have healed my anxiety and have a much better relationship with my anxiety, I do not find anxiety to be a bad thing anymore. Because now when anxiety arises, it's just an indicator. It's just an emotion in my body trying to communicate something with me, your emotions and your body are never trying to punish you. They're trying to help you. They're trying to show you where you need to heal. They're trying to show you where the wounded parts of you live. They're trying to show you what you need to begin to look at, to become aware of and to heal in order to move forward in a more grounded way. I find with so many wounds we have. So say your anxiety is tied to being bullied in the past. Your anxiety today is trying to help you to heal that wound from the past because you deserve to feel safe in your body. You deserve to feel safe in relationships, you deserve to embrace the world as your authentic self. We're all looking to be our authentic selves. We're all so freakin unique in the most beautiful way. And when we can start to embrace that part of ourselves, embrace our uniqueness, embrace that part of us that is authentic, that we're able to share our gifts with the world. And we're able to share those gifts with our self with our inner child with those parts of us that didn't get to feel fully ourselves in the past. So today I'm going to do a teaching on workplace anxiety and then I'm going to answer to listener questions. And before I jump in, I do want to just mention here up front that if you have any questions, please send them my way. I love to answer listener questions. These topics are chosen based off of what you want to hear. I want to speak to what is bothering you to what you're curious about to what you're working through. This podcast is based off listener questions this podcast is based off of listener requests. So if you have a topic or if you want to discuss anxiety more, please write in you can ask a question on my website at newviewadvice.com/question. Or you can send me an email at newviewadvice@gmail.com But I love hearing from listeners and I love to answer questions. So please reach out if you have any questions. And again if you have questions about this episode, or if you have questions about another topic, I'm always looking to cover new topics. I'm always looking to recover old topics because I think we can always go deeper and that's what I love about the healing journey. We can always go deeper we can always continue to peel back those layers. Is and find that gold, which is you, you are the gold you're looking for in your healing journey. So with that, let's jump into today's episode. Today I'll be doing a teaching on workplace anxiety, what it is why it may be arising in your life and advice for healing. And I'll also be answering to listener questions. One question is about someone who suffers from imposter syndrome and never feels good enough for the position they're in. And the second is from someone who's struggling with anxiety that is arising from working with a difficult boss. So let's jump on in.
Amanda Durocher [teaching] 10:31
So the first thing we want to look at when looking at workplace anxiety is that we want to identify if it's workplace anxiety, or if it's general anxiety. So as I mentioned in the intro, workplace anxiety is something that you can pinpoint to work. So you are aware that you are anxious about work or when thinking about work, but work is the trigger for your anxiety. So as I mentioned in the intro, we want to become aware of what makes us anxious. I believe that anxiety is always rooted in something. And there could be many, many routes to this anxiety, which is why I think a lot of people think they just have anxiety, where I believe there's always a route. And you may not always even be thinking about that route, in order for your anxiety to be triggered. But the more we become aware, the more we begin to sit with ourselves, the more we begin to journal, the more we begin to become aware of our inner worlds, the more we will see seeing them as like roads like the roads that lead us back to where the anxiety originated from.
Amanda Durocher [what can cause workplace anxiety] 11:40
So what can cause workplace anxiety. So workplace anxiety can be caused by many different things. Some examples include having conflict with coworkers and bosses, you may work in a competitive environment or a confrontational environment or a hostile environment. And that can create anxiety. Another reason could be the inability to control your work life. So it may feel so out of control are out of your hands, or unpredictable. And that can create anxiety, I find unpredictable environments can really trigger anxiety because it really triggers those fears of the unknown. So that is something that may be happening for you. Another thing that can trigger anxiety is working non stop, the inability to shut off your work could trigger a lack of control. Or that can trigger I find with people who never stopped working can trigger your inner child that they never get to feel seen or heard through actions such as Play joy, or doing what they want to do. So a part of you can start to act out. And that can create anxiety, a few more examples of what can cause workplace anxiety, our lack of job security, imposter syndrome, fast paced and unrealistic deadlines, not enough guidance from superiors or not feeling seen by your superiors, and there are many more causes of workplace anxiety. And if this is something you suffer with, I want to say that it's very common. I saw on very well mine.com That 40% of people report having stress and workplace anxiety. Whenever I read statistics, I'm always thinking these are only the people who report it. Because I think so many people are afraid to report things that are vulnerable. So I think those numbers can be even higher as well. So if this is something you're struggling with, you're not alone. So now I want to talk about what can we do to help your workplace anxiety. So if possible, you may want to talk to a superior. I saw this as the number one recommendation online. And I think that if you have a superior, you can talk to you about your workplace anxiety. That's awesome. And you should, and you should start a dialogue about it. But I also understand that for a lot of people that's not realistic, and that doesn't feel safe. And the workplace is not always a place to be vulnerable. side tangent, I highly recommend if you're a manager or your boss or you work with people under you, I highly recommend reading dare to lead by Brene Brown, where she talks about the importance of vulnerability in the workplace. I think that if we want to create safe environments for people, learning how to cultivate safe environments and vulnerable spaces at work is very, very important. And I think that vulnerability and accountability and responsibility are characteristics of a great leader. So if you do find that you manage people, I highly recommend that book as I mentioned that because not everybody is a safe place. Not everybody has read dare to lead. Not everybody is a brainy brown fan. So this may not be possible for you to talk to a superior about what you're feeling at work. So if this is the case, as I mentioned in the intro, one of the first things you can start doing is identifying the specific triggers for your anxiety and becoming aware of when they arise why they arise and when they started, and if there was a triggering incident. So say you have a boss who yells, but there was a specific incident where this boss really yelled at you and you've had anxiety ever since. You're going I want to start exploring that incident and exploring the feelings that are likely unprocessed from that incident. And you can do that through journaling through meditation or with a professional. So you may want to find a therapist or coach or I offer one on one sessions, but finding somebody to talk about this workplace anxiety with. And I also invite you to explore ways to calm and relax your nervous system. I think for a lot of people who work in corporate America work in a fast paced environments, and this can be really disruptive to your body's nervous system. So you're going to want to start finding ways to calm yourself and relax your nervous system. So I invite you to begin exploring different techniques to assist you with your anxiety. These can include meditation, breathwork, yoga, grounding techniques, EFT, tapping, these are all great tools to try and for everyone is going to be different, what works best and resonates with you. So it's important to try lots of different practices to see what's most helpful for you. You may be somebody who needs an hour after work to decompress, or you may be somebody who needs to find different techniques that you can do in five minutes in the bathroom, in the break room, wherever it is at work. I'm somebody who needs all of it. So I need to spend an hour in the morning meditating and journaling. And I also use these practices throughout the day, in order to help calm my nervous system. Nature is also really calming. So can you walk through nature during your lunch, or can you spend time in nature after work or before work, but nature will help ground you and connect you back to your body. Because when we become anxious, I view it as we begin spiraling out of our bodies. And so we want to find ways that we can come back into our body that we can ground into the present moment, when we begin to feel unsafe, we begin to leave our body, our energy, our consciousness begins to spiral upward. And we want to come back down into the body, I find that a lot of people who struggle with workplace anxiety, if they don't deal with it, it can lead to burnout. And if you find that you're burnt out at work, you may want to see if it's because you're very anxious at work or because you've been having a lot of feelings that you haven't dealt with at work, and what you can do about that, because for some people, you may need to quit your job. And that's just a reality. And I think that when we're talking about work, we need to become empowered again and understand that it is a choice. And it may take time to find a new job. So you may not be able to leave your job immediately. But I want us all to come back into the Empowered stance that our life is a choice and the way we live, it is a choice. So the job you're in is a choice, the relationships you're in are a choice. And if you don't feel like it's a choice, if it feels like you have to do this, or you have to be in this relationship, or you have to do this, I invite you to begin to approach these things that you feel like you have to do, or you feel like a victim and I invite you to begin exploring why you feel like a victim. And if you can begin to feel empowered in your life, part of the healing journey is taking responsibility for our life and where we're at. And if we don't like it, instead of numbing out checking out or escaping our life, finding ways to process, finding ways to enjoy our life and take responsibility for where we are many times in my life, I have felt like I was at rock bottom. It has not just been once. And in those moments, I have to ask myself, How did I get here? And what can I do to get out of this situation. And we live in a society that likes instant gratification, we want something to change overnight. In order to feel empowered, a lot of times the things that will empower you will take time. So you may need to find a new job, but you may not be able to quit your job today. So how can you become grateful and empowered for the life you're living now in order to begin to create the life that you dream about? So I wanted to mention that here and workplace anxiety because I think that sometimes when we feel burnt out or when we feel anxious, it's because we feel like we have no choice. We feel like a victim. We feel like the world is out to get us I have felt like that many times throughout my life. I have felt like why is this happening to me? And instead, I have chosen to live a life where in those moments, I changed my perspective and I say okay, God, why is this happening for me? And from that perspective, I learn a lot more from life and I feel supported by life and I have learned to trust life even in the tough situations. So I hope something in there was helpful for you. And now we're going to jump into the first question where we're discussing workplace anxiety and impostor syndrome.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 19:38
Dear New View Advice first, I want to say thank you for your podcast. Your podcast has such helpful advice and has helped me to feel understood throughout my own journey. I'm very grateful to have found your podcast. My question for you is about workplace anxiety. I have been struggling with anxiety at work for quite some time. I grew I joined a college last year and got my first real job almost a year ago. I think I'm good at what I do. But it's hard to know I work in a fast paced corporate setting. I didn't have much training when I started. But for when people say I seem to be doing well, and I received positive feedback in my first formal review, the problem is that I feel like I never know what I'm doing. I feel like an imposter and I struggle with anxiety. I'm constantly given more responsibility, and it makes me really anxious. I'm finding that the anxiety has gotten worse and worse over the past few months. I'm less anxious on the weekends. But I found that the anxiety starts creeping in on Sundays. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to handle my anxiety at work? Thank you so much for this question. And thank you so much for your kind words about the podcast, I am so grateful that you have found this podcast to be helpful on your healing journey. It is my hearts prayer for this podcast to be helpful for those who are looking for help and for this podcast to bless all those who listen. So thank you so much for your kind words, I really, really take those in. And as Elise Myers says, one of my favorite Tiktok stars, I receive that. So thank you. And I also want to say thank you so much for this question. I think this is such a relatable question. Imposter syndrome. Let's talk about it. I think that so many people struggle from imposter syndrome. I know I've struggled with imposter syndrome, I still struggle with impostor syndrome. So I just want to say thank you for your honesty for your vulnerability and asking this question. First. I want to say you're not alone. So many people suffer from impostor syndrome. I've heard people in my own life say this. I have heard celebrities say this. And as I mentioned, I feel this way sometimes. So you're definitely not alone. I think the first step is to honor your feelings, honor your anxiety, honor yourself and this experience you're having, there's no need to judge yourself. You want to start bringing curiosity to why you feel like an imposter, especially because it sounds like you're getting positive feedback. So the definition of impostor syndrome is the persistent in ability to believe that one success is deserved, or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own effort or skills. So I believe that this is something that you're currently struggling with. That's what it sounds like to me, because it sounds like you're unable to accept that you're good at your job. Because it sounds like you're getting positive feedback. It sounds like your managers, your boss is giving you positive feedback and is telling you, you're good at what you do. But you are unable to accept that you are looking for something to be wrong with your performance. And my guess is that stems from the fact that you feel like you don't know what you're doing. So you're telling yourself you couldn't possibly be good at what you're doing. And I just want to debunk for anybody out there who doesn't know this. Most people out there don't know what they're doing. In the past. I had Caterina Elif, there you on the podcast, and she has a podcast called nobody's doing it right. And she talks about this, that nobody's doing it right. Nobody knows what they're doing. Most people are just taking it step by step. And I think most people feel like they don't know what they're doing. Because whenever we're doing something new, we tend to tell ourselves, we don't know what we're doing. But the truth is that in order to learn new skills, in order to do new things, we have to do things we haven't done before, and then we'll get good at it. But I think that coming from a schooling system that was graded, and we were given a lot of direction, it can be really hard to switch the mind from school mind to work mind, because at work you are you're just given responsibilities. And depending on what job you do, you just have to show up for the tasks you're being given or at school, there's a lot of hand holding. So I think a lot of people can suffer with this imposter syndrome. And I think a lot of high achievers suffer from this imposter syndrome. And a lot of people who need a lot of positive feedback or positive affirmation can struggle from imposter syndrome, because people who are looking for somebody to tell them they're doing good all the time can struggle with impostor syndrome, because you're not always gonna get that at work, I find that it's hard to find a manager who's gonna give you that positive affirmation all the time. So I just wanted to offer that to anybody struggling with impostor syndrome, that it's very common, and that what do you want to start to do is to one, be honest, be honest, when you don't know what you're doing? And you can ask for help. I think that the impostor syndrome and the anxiety can build if you feel like you have to, quote unquote, pretend that you know what you're doing. So I just want to say that I think when it comes to impostor syndrome, you want to want to honor your feelings under that anxiety, you're feeling honor, those fears are rising, to reassure yourself, you're doing great, you are good at what you do, and you deserve to be there. And then for I want you to start becoming aware of what are the stories you're telling yourself that is creating that impostor syndrome? And where did these maybe originate from? Say, you say I don't deserve this position? I don't deserve this promotion. I don't deserve this raise. Why? Start to dig deep start to figure out why do you tell yourself things like that, why are you craving outside validation. Because in life, the person who can always give you the validation you're looking for is yourself. Internal validation will get you much further in life than external validation. You can reassure yourself in any moment, external validation isn't always going to come around because that's on them that's not on you. Some people say nice things all the time, some people don't. So if somebody you work with doesn't need so much external validation, they're less likely to give it because they don't understand that somebody else may need it. So what you can do is to begin to assure yourself that you're exactly where you're supposed to be. And to be honest with yourself, right? I think that imposter syndrome comes from that pretending and that fear that you're going to be caught in a position that you're not ready for, or that you're not worthy of. I think when it comes to impostor syndrome, we want to look at those worthiness wounds, where we may be telling ourselves, we're not enough, we're not worthy. I think that is the root of many of these impostor wounds. Because most people have a wound of feeling unworthy, feeling unlovable feeling, not enough, a great book to read, if you're looking for a book that talks about those limiting beliefs, and the core limiting beliefs that most humanity talks about, is the big leap. I think it's a great read, for anybody looking to overcome those really ingrained limiting beliefs and seeing how those limiting beliefs may be playing out in your life and affecting your present day. The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks is a great, great read. So I'll give you an example. In my own life, I have struggled with impostor syndrome with this podcast, who was a manager Rocher to start on and vice podcast, who am I, why did I do this? Am I worthy of all the positive feedback I get? Am I worthy of having this platform? And I would have impostor things come up? Am I worthy enough? Did I do enough work in order to have this? And one of my fears would be I'm not a therapist, you know, I'm not a therapist. I am very vocal about that. So anybody out there, I am not a therapist. And because of that, I've come across people in my own life who have reflected that back to me, you're not a therapist, why do you get to give advice? Why should people listen to you? And for a while, I felt like an impostor, like, Oh, my God, can I really do this? And people would give me positive feedback. And I'd be like, well, do they know me? Or why would they say that? Or is that true? Are they lying to me, and there were multiple routes to this imposter syndrome. But a main layer of this was that I took on beliefs from my parents, that what I do isn't work. And that what I do isn't enough. And I felt like a failure at this podcast because I'm not making X amount of money. I've actually chosen to do this podcast for free because this is what my heart is asking me. But I've had parents and other people say to me, when are you going to get a real job? Like what I do isn't a real job because my life doesn't look the same as others. And I felt like an imposter. I felt like who am I to do this? Who am I to view this as work? Who am I to view this as a business? I'm an impostor. And it took me recognizing that I felt like an impostor because I was taking on the beliefs of others. Other people think I need to be a therapist to do this. I know that's not true. I know that I do the work. I know that I'm in the trenches with you. I know that the shit I have healed from most of humanity would tell you that I never had to heal from I know that I have lived a life that if I decided to live in victim mode, and I decided that I didn't want to heal it, most people would say I was justified, I have forgiven things that people can't even speak about. So if that's not qualified enough for you, there are millions of other podcasts out there. That's the other thing is that with this, what I had to realize is that my people find me and those who don't like me, it doesn't mean I'm not good at what I do. It just means they're not my people. That's okay. That's why so many different people give advice. That's why there's so many different coaches and therapists and people talking about doing the work, because people need to hear it in different ways. No one person is for everyone. And that's okay. So I share that story because it took me seeing that a lot of my beliefs around not being good enough and feeling like an impostor, were because I was taking on the beliefs of others. Other people had told me what success looks like, what is success to me, I call it the three F's. Am I having fun? Do I feel fulfilled? And am I free doing what I do? That is success to me. That is what I strive for every day. And sometimes in order to feel that freedom. I have to feel really hard feelings that are holding me back from that freedom. So some days aren't fun, but I'm working towards that freedom, or some days are more fun than others, and I get to live in the creation. And then I hit a limiting belief. And then I got to lean into what would make me feel fulfilled here, what would make me feel free, what is holding me back. So I hope that made sense. I give that example because that's how you start to look at the layers. That's how you start to, I'm seeing it as like intertwined. Like a lot of beliefs are intertwined. And you want to start pulling it each thread, it's like thread, right, like a spool of thread, and you want to start pulling in each thread individually, to see where it originated from. And as I mentioned, for me, a lot of my imposter syndrome came from what other people told me success looks like. So the more I embody my own definition of success, the more I believe in myself, the less I feel like an imposter. So for you, I believe that there's likely a deeper rooted reason why you don't feel like you're good enough at your job. Because I believe people are giving you more responsibility because they trust you. They believe in you. It sounds like you're receiving positive feedback at work. And I don't think they're lying to you, I think you're receiving more responsibility and this positive feedback, because you're good at what you do. And people are impressed with your work. And they're like, Great, this person can take on more responsibility. Awesome, they can help me, right, that's how work works is it's like, I need to give you more responsibility. So I can take on more responsibility. So that person could take on more responsibility. And it's like, it's a flowing place where everybody plays a part in helping the whole work. So I want you to start reflecting on why you don't believe you're good enough at what you do. Just like I felt like I was less than because of things my parents had said to me or things society had said to me, you may not feel good enough, because the things of someone else has said to you, or an experience that you had in the past, or a belief of what you thought being where you would would feel like I find that happens with imposter syndrome, we think when x happens, we'll feel a certain way, it's very likely that that won't be the case. So for example, I thought if I hit 10,000 followers, I would feel a certain way, I have 10,000 followers on Tiktok. And I didn't feel any different. I felt so unworthy about that. And I felt like an impostor. And I felt like that shouldn't have happened. I didn't all of a sudden feel worthy because I had a following. I felt unworthy. It triggered all my deepest wounds, it reflected back to me all the unworthiness I felt. So I share that because that's also something that happens with impostor syndrome is we oftentimes think when I get the promotion, I'll feel worthy. That's not the case worthiness is an inside job. This also happens with age, a lot of us think we should feel a certain way, when we turn 2125 3035 4050, we think we'll feel a certain way, that's often not the case. And then we're left with all these feelings because we had an expectation that isn't met. So I actually have an episode episode, I think 48. And it is on releasing expectations. Because I think that this is a very common phenomenon, where we create expectations for the future. And when we don't meet those expectations, we're left with a lot of unresolved feelings. So for you, my advice is for you to dive deeper into the beliefs you have about your job and really exploring where these originated from, I find that work is a great place to reflect back to us the wounds from throughout our lives are put in triggering situations, and we can choose to suffer or to learn from these experiences. I also invite you to explore meditation, I think meditation could really help you. Maybe try meditations with positive affirmations. But it sounds like you're extremely hard on yourself and learning to spend time with yourself and allow your heart to speak to you, I really believe will be a great practice for you. Because you likely will find that your heart has Kinder things to say to you than your mind than your head does. And meditation will also give you a chance to explore these beliefs you have. And it also sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself, especially since this anxiety is work based and goes away on the weekend. At least it sounds like part of the weekend. And so I invite you to find ways to relieve this stress throughout the week. It sounds like you may get a lot of stress and then you're able to unwind but then it starts coming right back up on Sundays. So what can you add to your life into your schedule that will help you to relax and remember that you're doing great, that life is okay that you're growing and changing. And that's all part of life. I think we think that we should feel confident in every situation. And oftentimes we don't oftentimes, a lot of our fears are triggered throughout the day, which is why the inner work is so important because that inner work will help to create that stability for you. Because it sounds like you feel like you're on uneven footing at work with that impostor syndrome. And so by creating that inner confidence, that inner belief in yourself that inner worthiness, you'll be on even footing at work rather than rocky footing, if that makes sense. And so a reminder that how you're feeling is very valid. I invite you to have all your feelings about it. And I invite you to be compassionate with yourself. We live in a world that forgets the importance of compassion. But compassion is so often what everyone is looking for. We're just looking for that kindness for that love and to know that we're human and that it's okay if we make mistakes. And I am happy to be the one to tell you that you are doing great. If you make a mistake. It's okay. You are safe. You are learning you're human. Humans make mistakes is part of the journey. If we were perfect, there'd be nothing to learn here. And how boring would that be, we wouldn't be challenged. The challenging moments is what shows us our potential, which is what shows us what we're made of. It shows us our resilience, it shows us that worthiness. So thank you so much for this question I'm sending you so much love.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 35:50
Dear Amanda, I'm struggling with my relationship with my boss. My boss has high standards, but isn't a great communicator, she's prone to yelling, and many people have quit before because of her volatile behavior. She's known around the office to be difficult to work with, but she's good at her job. So no one says anything to her, I find working for her makes me really anxious. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. And I'm constantly afraid of her yelling at me. I never considered myself an anxious person until this job. And now I see this anxiety leaking into other areas of my life. I like my job. I love my coworkers. So I don't want to quit. But I'm having trouble with a boss who leaves me feeling anxious and insecure. Any advice on how to handle this situation? Thank you so much for this question. I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this relationship with your boss. I have also had difficult managers in the past, and know how hard it can be to work with someone who is a poor communicator and who can be volatile. One of the things about working in corporate America is that you will often run into all different personalities, I found the working world to be challenging, but also a great teacher on my healing journey. Corporate America was one of the first places I began to explore healing. So learning how to be around different personalities and to not take offense to what people in the working world say when they're mean or rude was a great teacher. For me. I think the situation you're currently navigating is all too common. And I think unfortunately, at so many work environments, if someone's good at their job, then their bad behavior is ignored. I think that performance and the bottom line often comes above human interactions. So if somebody is rude to people at work, but it doesn't affect their performance, then I think that the rudeness, or the meanness or the yelling can be ignored. This is something that I've always found fascinating. I think that yelling is a very immature behavior or yelling at others that is projecting your anger onto someone else, instead of learning how to healthily deal with it. And in so many places in the world, we allow people to yell at one another. And this just creates more suffering and more pain for the person who does the yelling, and also for the person who's yelled at. So I just want to honor you, I think it's so difficult to work with somebody who yells. And I just want to say that I think it's really normal to be anxious and that type of environment. Nobody likes to be around volatile people. It often triggers feelings of unsafety within us. And it can be really terrifying and triggering to be around somebody who does not know how to process their feelings in a healthy way. And I find that this can often trigger childhood wounds, because for people, which is a majority of people, if you grew up with a parent who was volatile, or parents who are emotionally immature, or parents who did not know how to process their anger, and you haven't spent time with that yet being around somebody else who yells and creates that unsafe environment by throwing their feelings rather than processing their feelings can be very, very triggering for you and your inner child. So I just want to honor that. And I'm sorry that you feel like you're walking on eggshells, because that's a very uncomfortable feeling. So from how I see it, you have three options. So one is to not do anything, and to continue being anxious and uncomfortable working where you work. This is an option people take every day. But since you're writing into this podcast, I assume you will take option two or three. The second option would be to begin looking for a new job. I think that there's definitely a place out there where you will not feel like this and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable at work. You spend so much of your week at work, so it's important for you to feel comfortable there. The third option would be to begin viewing the situation from a learning perspective. How would you feel about becoming curious about this relationship? You can also do this while you possibly look for a new job, but I have found that we're always going to come across difficult people. So if you love this job, you could really begin to take this opportunity as a learning opportunity. This isn't easy, but I don't think anybody ever said the inner work is supposed to be easy. So you can begin to ask yourself questions like why does the yelling trigger you to do grew up around someone who yelled a lot? Do you feel Tongue Tied when somebody else are you afraid? Anxious, scared, frozen. Does your body go into fight or flight? Or do you freeze? Begin to become aware of this relationship? Does it mirror or another way to say does it reflect? Or does it mimic any other relationships from your life? Do you find yourself noticing similarities with this boss and someone from your life? Many times our bosses and co workers can mirror relationships from our past, specifically childhood, as I mentioned. And I know that when I worked at corporate America, I had a boss who was unpredictable. And this was terrifying for me, they were volatile. And I used to love predictability. And that was where I felt really safe, which is so interesting, because side tangent, I'm a Human Design reflector. So I'm supposed to live in the unknown. And I'm supposed to allow the universe to surprise me. But I used to hate surprises, I used to want everything to be predictable. So I was living really out of alignment. And I found myself working in a place with a boss who was really unpredictable, and was always changing up my work day was never allowing me to just like have my normal schedule, I would always try to schedule my time. And this boss was always unpredictable, and was a very strong personality, they were very harsh, and could be very rude. And when I had this boss was when I first started therapy, and I decided to use this relationship as a learning opportunity and to continually look at why this woman triggered me. And it led me back to my relationship with my father, and how this relationship with my boss was recreating many of the same fears and insecurities I had not resolved from childhood, many of those same feelings I had from living with a parent who was unpredictable to me, and could be volatile and angry and could yell. So I was able to begin to process both these experiences at the same time, because the present day experience was really just triggering past me. And as I resolved the feelings from my youth, this boss who was unpredictable, stopped bothering me so much, I stopped taking it personally. That's the thing with so many people, we take it personally, when somebody's rude, we take it personally, when somebody is mean, we take it personally when somebody else. And the more you heal, the more you can really just witness that person in the moment and be like, that really has nothing to do with me. Even if they're yelling at you, it still has nothing to do with you. It's their unprocessed feelings, it's their wounding. And that can be really hard for us to see at the beginning of the healing journey. So with this newfound awareness that I developed, I was able to approach this boss differently and see that her yelling, as I said, had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her own immaturity. I also invite you to lean into self care healing and doing the inner work is not easy. It's not for the faint of heart. It takes time, energy and effort. And self care is so important. And so your self care might be allowing yourself to cry after a really hard day at work, or it could be yoga, it could be a bath, it could be cooking yourself a really healthy meal. And allowing yourself that time because I know some people when they work a lot, don't leave time for that healthy, nutritious food, we can go for what's easiest. But learning to create that time to carve out for yourself. prioritizing your own body, heart and mind will be really helpful for you when working in an environment that can feel unsafe or volatile. And since so many of us feel as though we can't prioritize ourselves at work, it's important for you to find ways to prioritize yourself at home before work after work and finding ways at work. As I mentioned earlier, we want to begin to feel empowered in our lives and take responsibility for our lives. So it's important for you to start embracing that and finding where throughout your day, you can take that empowered stance and take that self care and take those moments for yourself. So you can feel like you come first because it's your responsibility to take care of you. First, it's everybody's responsibility to take care of themselves. First, a very common example used is like on an airplane, where you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can put an oxygen mask on someone else. And especially corporate America really perpetuates this belief that self care is selfish. But no, no, no, no. self care is very important. It is how you will stay sane. And it is how you will show up best for that job that you're currently in. And also, as I mentioned earlier, you may do this awareness work and realize you still need to leave this job. I recently spoke with somebody who switched jobs, it was so surprised how much better they felt now that they didn't work around such toxic people who really triggered them. This person was so surprised by how unsafe they felt at that old job. And they're only able to process it now that they left that environment. Because that's another thing that can happen is that when we are in unsafe environments, it may feel too unsafe to our body to process it. So I find that this happens a lot with children and teenagers. So you live at home and you're aware that your parents do some things that bother you. But it's not until you will leave the home that you're actually fully able to process your relationship with your parents. When you're living at home, it can be too hard for your consciousness because it would bring up too much. And it would create too much on safety. And you're just on survival mode, that it's not until you take yourself out of that environment, that you're able to fully see the whole picture. So sometimes we really just need to remove ourselves from these difficult situations in order to see it clearly. So I hope something in this answer helped. And I am sending you so much love. It is never easy to work with difficult people. It's never easy to be around difficult people. So I invite you to take care of yourself and I am sending you so much love. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher [outro] 45:41
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of New View Advice. As always, I loved having this conversation with you. I hope you enjoyed having this conversation with me. If you haven't already, I invite you to leave a five star rating and review for the podcast, you can leave a rating on Apple podcasts or on Spotify and ratings and reviews really helped to bring more people to the podcast and help people to know that this is a safe space to have difficult conversations. And I appreciate everyone who takes the time to leave a rating and review they really helped to grow the podcast and it means so much to me. I read every review and I am just so grateful to everyone who has found newView advice to be helpful on their own healing journey. It's really a gift for me to be on this journey with you. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be working through. Send you all my love. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai