22: Cheating in Relationships Advice: Healing From Cheating & Being Cheated On

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Nov 24

Cheating can be traumatic for all people involved. Not only does it involve heartbreak, but it involves an extra layer of betrayal that can take time to heal.

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In this episode, I discuss the cheating wound, and I answer a question from someone who cheats and is looking to change, and also someone who is having a hard time moving on from being cheated on.

Journal Prompts

Has your partner's infidelity changed the way you view yourself? Has this experience created new negative-self talk or criticisms about yourself?
What was your relationship like with sex before the infidelity? Has it changed since the infidelity? Does it make you want to have sex more or less? Explore how this experience has affected your relationship with sex both physically and emotionally.
Do you trust that your partner has changed and is willing to work on your relationship moving forward?

Download the full list of FREE journal prompts!

Free Resources 📑

New View Advice Infidelity Hub - One-Stop-Shop for all things related to infidelity

Episode References:

Books:

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self by Dr. Nicole LePera
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

Resource Round Up

Meditation Practice
- Interested in trying Headspace? Sign up here!
Journal
Read a Self Help Book
Find a therapist
Be Kind & Patient with Yourself
Listen to Esther Perel’s Podcast: Where Should We Begin

*Listen to the episode for more specifics about each suggestion.

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro
5:12 Teaching
25:35 Listener Question 1
41:41 Listener Question 2

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NOTE: This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher (Intro) 0:00
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher. And I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hello, beautiful souls. Welcome back to New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast, where I offer advice to help you along your healing journey and doing the inner work. I believe that you have all the answers you seek, you just may need a little guidance along the way. I know that this is a space that I truly wish existed on my healing journey, there were plenty of times where I felt like I had to fumble through the dark, because I felt so alone. And like people weren't telling me that certain things were healable. And I had to figure it out on my own. So my intention is for us to do this together for us to do this as a collective. And for us to have tough conversations together that most places and most people aren't willing to have I sure know that I found that also on my healing journey that there were things I wanted to talk about, and I need to heal from that people couldn't always hear. And that included therapists. And that was really tough for me to learn along the way. So this is a safe place to talk about anything, whatever is on your mind, feel free to write in a question about any topic, no topics too small. I'm really here to have every conversation because I'm so passionate that so much healing can happen by just talking about these topics that we find so shameful. So thank you for joining me. Today we are going to be talking about cheating, and specifically cheating in relationships. I'll be answering two questions today, one from someone who cheats in relationships, and one from somebody who was cheated on and is having trouble moving forward. And I'm really excited to talk about both sides of this coin, that cheating coin, is what I'll call it today. And I'm really excited to bring a whole perspective to this and to talk about both sides. Because I think that this is a topic that can cause division and dualistic thinking. And what I mean by that is it can cause people to think somebody's right or wrong, or to view somebody as bad or good, or it can cause that division. And the truth is, we're all whole and people make mistakes. And I know there's the saying like once a cheater, always a cheater, that can be true for some people, other people could just cheat once, and somebody could cheat a lot and then change. Right? I think sometimes we don't give enough people credit that it is possible to change, it is possible to grow. It just involves becoming conscious. And so many people live on autopilot. So many people live in an unconscious way of living. They don't question their actions. They live with constant anxiety, constant fear, constant worry constant depression, and they don't start asking themselves why that is. Or they constantly pick up bad habits. And one of those bad habits could be cheating in relationships, and they don't look at it. So I think that's why the saying once a cheater, always a cheater exists because people do play out patterns. But I think we're at a point in time where we are having conversations, at least we're having them here, where we're bringing to light that things don't have to be so shameful, and that it's possible to heal. And it's possible to move forward in a new way and to make new choices. But how we do that is becoming conscious healing, and connecting back to ourselves. So I'm really excited to have today's conversation. And I hope you are too before we dive into today. So today I'm going to do a little teaching around cheating and some root causes where cheating sometimes stems from and then I'm going to answer two questions, as I mentioned. But before I jump in, I just wanted to give an update from newbie advice. So if you missed my episode on sobriety, Episode 18. So my second episode on sobriety, I'm going to be teaching a 30 day sober course in for dry January. And it's gonna be all about healing our relationships with alcohol. So this is really for people who are on their sober journeys already, people who are curious and people who may just want to do dry January. But I believe that healing our relationships with alcohol is an amazing thing. It's a gift I've given myself. And it's something that I would really love to talk more about in a more intimate setting. So that's what I'm hoping this course will be. I believe so much power happens in doing something with community. And I think that going sober, or thinking about going sober or talking about your relationship with alcohol and getting real vulnerable, is easier in a group setting than doing by yourself. So I'm hoping to create this and we're going to be looking at alcohol in the four ways that I've healed my relationship with alcohol. So that's my relationship with alcohol in my body, my relationship with alcohol and my emotions, my relationship with alcohol and my mental thoughts and also healing alcohol and spirituality and how that can have a connection as well. So it's gonna be healing on four levels. So it's gonna be a four week course. And I'm really excited for that. So if you're interested, I just want to invite you to sign up for my email list, which is www.newviewadvice.com and you can sign up for my newsletter. Are there. Okay, so that is it for updates here from New View Advice. So let's jump into today's episode on cheating.
Amanda Durocher (Teaching) 5:12
Before we dive into the questions today, I just wanted to talk about cheating from a healing perspective. I think that when people cheat, it's often because they feel like something is missing in their current relationship. And oftentimes, when we think there's something missing in our current relationship, there's something inside of us that we have not looked at and healed. So from any perspective of a cheating relationship, so this would be someone who cheats someone who has cheated on and also the person who is a third party, or the or the person who finds themselves involved in someone else's relationship or marriage. So people oftentimes use sex to fill a wound sex feels good people are happy and joyful, it increases endorphins and all those hormones that feel good in our body. And we oftentimes mistake sex and those feelings for love. So if you read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, he talks about how sex is an inherent need. So actually, that is not your love language. So if you have physical touch as a love language, it's actually asking do like hugs handling. And if you haven't heard of The Five Love Languages, it's the idea that we all have a love language. So a way we feel loved the most. And some people mistake their love language for sex, and sex is just an inherent need. So people who go outside of their relationship often are lacking something in their current relationship. And this can often lead them to feeling unloved. And Dr. Gary Chapman talks about how our love tanks. So viewing your feeling of love can be on empty. And that's when we feel like getting divorced is when we feel like leaving our partners. That's when we can cheat when our love tanks on empty. And he talks about the love languages, it's one way it's not the only way you can fill your love tank back up in your relationship because I find that so many people don't bring consciousness to their relationships. So I have an episode on conscious relationships. I think it's episode six if you want to listen to that, but I believe Relationships are hard. They're not what they look like in the movies. So many times the movies show couples getting together, or couples on the edge of breaking up. And then they go through some crazy life changing adventure. And then they end up in love again at the end. And they don't show the work of relationships. Anybody who's been in a long term relationship or a long term marriage, I can tell you that relationships have ebbs and flows, ups and downs. And they are working, they're beautiful, and they're loving, and they're filled with so much amazingness and goodness. And I wouldn't trade my relationship with the world. But my relationship has also been one of my biggest teachers, because my partner reflects back to me when I still need to heal. So oftentimes, people who get triggered by their partner, or blame their partners for things are just seeing their childhood wounds, it's oftentimes our childhood wounds, reflected back to them. And instead of taking personal responsibility, people will blame their partners, and then they will go out and cheat, or do some other version of a coping strategy. But to me, cheating is an unhealthy coping strategy. It's just like picking up a drink, when times are hard, like going out and cheating, instead of ending your relationship is a way to cope. And as a way to not deal with what is in the present moment is a way to not deal with how you are really feeling right now. So instead of looking at why your relationship isn't working, people will cheat, sometimes easier to cheat, and to have a tough conversation that you just want to end the relationship. Sometimes when people cheat, it's almost like asking that other person to end the relationship, because then the person who's cheated on may end the relationship. And then the person who cheated never has to have a conversation about why they were unhappy in the relationship. But the truth is, when you're unhappy in a relationship, it's so often is because you have a childhood wound that needs to be healed. I can't repeat that enough, because people need to start taking their own responsibility in relationships, it is not always your partner's fault. Now, you may be with someone who isn't a great partner. This isn't true for everyone. But so often times when we quote unquote fall out of love, or when we hit a breaking point, it's because we have not been looking at ourselves or our relationship. Or we've been putting all the blame on the other person. Relationships are hard because it's two people. And so you have to one learn that your partner is not an extension of you. They're entirely different person with entirely different feelings and entirely different thoughts and beliefs. And so many people can get upset when their partner expresses things that they don't understand or have different opinions. Because when we meet somebody, we almost think they're an extension of us. Like we're like, this is my person, they get me entirely but they're an entirely different person. Instead of learning how to grow in a relationship, so many people crumble in a relationship, as I mentioned, relationships, our greatest teachers, so it's important we take the opportunity to learn and grow in relationships. If we want to be in a relationship. I don't think everybody has to be in a relationship. I also don't think everybody at every point in their life is ready to be in a relationship. And I don't think we need to pressure everyone in their 20s to be in relationships and to get married because I He thinks that it takes a lot of work to meet a relationship. And it takes a lot of self awareness. A lot of learning how to communicate in a way that many of us never learned is so for communication, for learning about your childhood wounds, learning why your partner is a reflection of your childhood wounds, I recommend the book Getting the love you want. By Harville Hendricks and Helen Hunt. This book is so encompassing of how to do the work and relationship and how to create a healthy relationship with good communication skills. Because I'm talking a lot about this because I think cheating really stems from an unhealthy relationship. Now, don't get me wrong. Some people who cheat can be very narcissistic, and can be people who don't want to change. But as I mentioned, we're going to answer a question from somebody who cheats and wants to really dive into why they do that. And that's somebody who's bringing awareness to themselves. That is somebody who wants to change that is beautiful. And I invite you to have an open mindset to that people can change. And that if we start looking at ourselves, we can change our actions and the way we deal with tough times. Because sometimes it can be easier to go out and cheat on your partner than to have a tough conversation, especially if you don't know how to have tough conversations. If you are in a partnership where it lacks good communication, it can often end up in yelling, or somebody shutting down, or very passive aggressiveness or defensive actions. And it can be hard to communicate, and it can feel very hopeless. But that is why we need to learn how to communicate. And we need to learn how to look within. So one of my first practices for healing was in my relationship was when my partner really triggered me and really made me angry or sad or offended, was to remove myself from the situation. And to go journal, and to go meditate about why I was really upset. Why did his action or his reaction really bother me. And through looking at all the triggers in my relationship, I became so in tune with myself, I became so in touch with my wounded inner child. It is an amazing inner child practice to be in a relationship, but it is not for the faint of heart takes a lot of work to be in a relationship. So I offered this in the beginning of this question, because I think that we need to switch our mindsets around cheating. And to get out of this black and white mindset. He's a cheater, he's always cheater, Oh, you're such a victim you were cheated on? No, we are not victims. We are students of life. And it's time for you to take responsibility, even if you're cheated on for how that happened. I know it might sound backwards. And it might be easy to fall into the victim mindset. But if you want to heal and to move forward, and to attract a better partnership moving forward or to heal in this relationship, I don't think people always have to leave when someone cheats on them. But there is a huge growing and learning curve, and changing where you and your partner communicating. Where you and your partner are showing each other each other's love languages. Were you loving towards your partner? Was your partner loving towards you? When you met your partner, what were they like? Did they cheat on their old partner? And then with you ask yourself all the questions about why this happened, but not about them. What was in your relationship might have not been perfect. Because so often times the relationship isn't perfect when somebody goes out and cheats. There are reasons why people go and cheat. And again, I don't think it's healthy. And I think it needs to be healed. And I think that's why we need to learn how to communicate with one another. But oftentimes, it's almost like the, the end of the road. They're so unhappy. But they for some reason don't want to leave. And like I said it can be because they can't communicate. Or they're afraid to communicate. And it's easier to cheat and to have sex because that's enjoyable than to have a tough conversation. So if you've been cheated on start asking yourself these type of questions. And I do recommend listening to Esther pearls podcast, where should we begin because she talks about that too. But it's like being honest with yourself, were you being a loving partner before this person went out and cheated. And before you get defensive, really sit with it? Were you critical. And I'm not saying to put the blame on yourself. But to heal, you have to just sit with everything. So you have to sit with all your anger that your partner would go and cheat on you. Fuck that. There are so many feelings there. But then you also have to sit with yourself, and how maybe you weren't the most perfect partner. And I say that this part's important, because you don't want to repeat the same patterns in your next relationship. So that's why it's so important to take personal responsibility and to see maybe where you weren't communicating well. And again, in a partnership, it's just not all the blame can go on one person. It's a two way street baby. You got to take some of the responsibility. And that can be really hard for people here who have played victims their whole lives who have never healed themselves. have never looked at themselves and find a lot of bad things happening to them. So my therapist described this thing the other day called a trauma vortex. And it's when you have unhealed trauma. And it's almost like you have this tornado around you. And it's like bad thing after bad thing just keeps happening to you, because it's tornadoes getting bigger. And just that energy around you is trusting more of that, because you have so much unhealed stuff, that it's just attracting more for you to heal and more things to not trust, because you're throwing out into the world. I don't trust the world. So it's bringing back to you, I don't trust the world. So at some point, you need to take responsibility if you want to move forward to so everyone involved, the person who cheated, the person who cheats needs to take responsibility for how this situation could have happened. And again, taking responsibility could literally just be like, Shit, I was naive. Shit, I didn't pay any attention to the signs or shit. I was overly trusting. I gave away all my trust when it wasn't deserved. It could be as simple as that. Or it could be a harder truth like I was really critical. Or I haven't been around, I haven't been showing up for my partner. And my partner looked for that love elsewhere. Because as I mentioned, oftentimes cheating happens when that love takes empty, when we aren't feeling loved. And it can be hard to admit that we have created that for our partners. I know through my healing journey with my partner, we've both admitted that there's times in our relationships when we haven't really felt loved. It doesn't mean we didn't love each other. It didn't mean I didn't love my partner, but he didn't feel it because I wasn't showing it. And I didn't feel it because he wasn't showing it. And that can be really hard to hear. And those are those tough conversations you have to have in relationships in order to have a healthy relationship. My partner and I haven't felt like that for a while because we know how to communicate now. But it's something that neither of our parents taught us. So we had to learn on our own. And it was hard and it was a steep learning curve. I have parents who bickered so i found i because of my relationship. And my partner's love language is words of affirmation. And I can be really critical through that bickering. So that would put itself tank on empty. For me, my father worked a lot. And so I've had to heal a father abandonment wound. And my partner found himself in a job where he was never around. I never saw him, I felt single, I felt lonely. And I felt like I lived alone, because I never saw him. And so my love tank was on empty. And what our love tanks were on empty, we often had a hard time connecting. But the truth is, once we started to dive into that, once we started to be honest with each other about how are we feeling, through talking about how we were feeling instead of getting defensive with one another, and trusting the other person with our feelings that so much healing happened, again, slowly, because we had to learn to trust each other. I've had to learn to trust that my partner will hear me and he will work on changing. And I don't mean changing who he is. But sometimes he can be really critical too. And I've had to express when sometimes his critical comments hurt me, or in the past, I would just get defensive and throw a critical comment right back, which is more of that bickering. But now, I usually say, you know, it makes me feel sad when you say x. And he'll be like, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it that way. And we'll communicate. And I'll hear what he actually meant. It's usually not as critical as I took it. But that is a practice. As I say all the time on this podcast, healing and our work, communication boundaries, this is all practice. Don't expect yourself to be perfect the first time. These are things we're not taught. So many of us had parents who didn't have good relationships. So many of us had parents who got divorced. So many of us had parents who did not teach us or model to us a healthy relationship. So it's important for us to learn those skills. And I think that those are a grounding, and a foundation for a relationship that will not have cheating. And that's why I keep mentioning that and looping it back to the importance of creating a healthy and sturdy relationship. But our sturdy relationship involves good communication, boundaries, and trust, and love, and just doing things that feel loving to your partner, and not expecting anything in return. So as I mentioned, I really recommend getting the love you want. If you're in a partnership, or you're looking to be in a healthy partnership, I think it does such a great job at explaining the science of the brain about why you attract a partner who reflects your childhood wounds right back to you and why learning to communicate is so important. And it talks about your exits. And an exit is a way you check out of your relationship, which is what I also call a coping strategy. So where you check out of life, and it gives ways to check back in so that's a great book to do. My partner and I did the 12 week program in that. I also just wanted to take a minute to bring a healing perspective and a moment of awareness to the person who finds themselves as the other person in a monogamous relationship, so the person who intentionally sleeps with somebody who's in a relationship, because neither of the questions refer to this. So I just want to take a minute to talk about this. And I think sometimes this person doesn't get the same amount of attention. But I think that this person needs just as much healing as well. Because I think that there's so many reasons why somebody would be willing to be the third person or relationship, I think they can be tucked into it. You know, I think when Person A in a marriage says their marriage is really bad, they're gonna leave their wives that can be tucked into it. But I want to offer to anybody who's found themselves in that situation. In the past or recently, well, first of all, to talk to people in the past who might have shame or guilt around it, it is safe to let this go. But you're gonna have to feel your feelings about it being the third person in a relationship where you weren't invited in, right? Like I know, there are polyamorous relationships, there are three couples. And there are people who have healthy relationships with other people or invite somebody into their bedroom. And that's a totally different topic. Today, we're talking about monogamous relationships. And someone who cheats and breaks a boundary with somebody who did not, did not say that was okay to go out and sleep with someone else, somebody who expected monogamy. That's what we're talking about today. And so, when you find yourself sleeping with someone who's married, or in a committed relationship, I want you to ask yourself why you're comfortable doing this, I want you to ask yourself, if you would want somebody in your monogamous relationship, to do that, I want you to ask yourself, why you are allowing someone to talk you into doing something unhealthy, I want you to be real honest with yourself. Because oftentimes, this can happen, because at the beginning of relationships is when all that all those hormones are up when relationships feel really good, right? There's nothing like the honeymoon phase, which in The Five Love Languages he talks about actually lasts for two years, the honeymoon phase is much different than a committed partnership. So I think people can get caught up in the honeymoon phase and can get caught up in the the lust, rather than the love. And I just want to say that, I don't judge you. And don't, you don't have to feel shame about it. But you do need to ask yourself why you're comfortable doing that. And you need to ask yourself, if you'd be okay with that in your relationship, you need to ask yourself, if I think you need to ask yourself, what feelings you really have about yourself. When you sleep with somebody who's in a committed relationship? Do you talk yourself into it and leave with guilt, shame or anxiety? Or do you get off on it? Does it excite you? Because I would look at that too, because it is an unhealthy dynamic. And if you find that it brings you a lot of joy, I would ask yourself why? Because someone is going to end up hurt in the end. And it could be you it could be the other person in the relationship. But someone in this dynamic is going to end up hurt. Most likely. I'm sure somebody could write in and tell me an example where it worked out for everyone. But truly, most of the time someone gets hurt. Are you okay with that? Why do you want to be part of that. And I don't ask you that in a judgmental way. I ask you that in a real honest, get honest with yourself. Because at the end of the day,
you have to go to bed with you at the end of the night. You have to feel good about your decisions. And also, a lot of times you're playing out a childhood wound as well. So sometimes it can feel good to be to be picked over someone else. Or maybe your parents modeled a relationship with infidelity. Or maybe you're really disconnected from your feelings. Maybe you don't trust people, and you don't mind creating distrust in another relationship. Maybe your first thought is something like Oh, men can't be trusted anyway. Or, well, he's not happy. But are you happy doing this? And if you are okay, okay. But I find that the more healthy relationships we bring in our life, in all relationships, the more honor we bring to our life, the more truthfulness, the more beautiful and whole we feel inside. And often for people who struggle with depression and anxiety, they can create more situations that just elicit these feelings. But in order to stop feeling these all the time, you have to start becoming really intentional with your life, and start looking at why you feel this way and start going in, rather than looking outside for a cure. So I hope something in this intro helped. This was a lot longer than I expected. But I hope something that helped and I hope that may help you to switch your perspective about cheating, and about how it's not so black and white. And, again, sometimes to be cheated on doesn't feel fair. But if you listen to episode 17, I don't think life is fair. It's still your responsibility to heal. Somebody who cheats on you might go on and cheat in every relationship they're in but doesn't mean you have to hold on to that. You can move forward, forgive and accept and take responsibility for your role. And as I mentioned, you're Roll could be as simple as I trusted too easily. I felt too hard, I felt too quick. And just taking responsibility to forgive yourself so that you don't have to play out that relationship pattern again. And that you can move forward with acceptance and love for yourself. That's just an overview of this topic. And as I mentioned, it's such a complex topic, we could talk about this all day for weeks. In the future, maybe I'll do a whole month on it. But today, this is just a quick intro, and let's jump into two questions.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 25:35
Dear New View Advice, I have a pattern of cheating in relationships. I've cheated in every relationship I've been in, and I don't know how to stop. I find that when I'm in a relationship, everything is good at first. But over time, things start to change. And they don't feel the same as they did at the beginning. And I started to have a wandering eye. I'll go out drinking and sleep with someone. I wake up in the morning wracked with shame and guilt. And I want to stop, I just don't know how any advice on how to stop being a cheater. Thank you so much for this question. This is such an honest question. And I love how much awareness you have around cheating. I think so many times we hear from the perspective of someone who has been cheated on. And I really appreciate you writing in this vulnerable question about something in your life that you have shame and guilt over. Because I can have so much empathy for that. I feel so passionate about us bringing all our shame to the light. So it can be transmuted. And we can move forward. It's so hard when we're trapped in a shame spiral. I once heard them described a shame window. So when shame appears, it's like looking out a window. And those shutters will shut across our face of shame. So thank you so much for sharing this question with us and for bringing so much awareness to your cheating. And the first step is being aware that you have a problem. And it sounds like you're where you have a problem, because you are admitting that you cheat in every relationship, and you want to stop. So I just want to honor that. And thank you for writing in. So let's start with when you said that you have a pattern of cheating in relationships, and you've cheated in every relationship, this is a great place for you to start bringing awareness to, I think you can have a lot of healing around this because you've noticed a pattern. And our patterns are usually trying to show us something within us that needs to be healed. So we will play out a pattern over and over again. It's like a brain response, you can read the Body Keeps the Score or getting the love you want both talked about the brain aspects about why this is that we play out patterns, but you're playing out a pattern. And the first step is awareness. So you need to ask yourself why you're playing out this pattern. So there can be a few reasons you're playing out this pattern. So I'm going to offer you a few journal prompts for you to start looking at these patterns, and why you are playing out these patterns and relationships, why you are cheating. So it sounds like cheating is an exit for you. So it sounds like you cheat. When things get tough in your relationship. So you said it starts off good at first, which to me, you are describing the honeymoon phase, relationships always feel good at first. And this can last as short as weak and as long as two years. So the honeymoon phase always feels good. It's why we're immediately attracted to someone. It's like chemicals going off in the body, bing, bing, bing, I found a partner I am attracted. This can consist of lost feelings of bliss and ecstasy. And it feels really good. That is very common, that is normal for relationships, as I've mentioned, relationships or work, so they don't feel that way, the whole time you're in them, they grow and they change and they become beautiful in their own ways. And they become more trusting and you can be more vulnerable than you can at the beginning. And there's so much more love. I feel like my love for my partner grows more every day. But that takes work. And what I mean by work is it takes looking at my triggers, look at my patterns, talking to my partner and communicating when I'm upset or when he's upset or needs I have a needs he has. So it sounds like you start to exit the relationship when it becomes difficult. So there can be multiple reasons you do this. But a few journal prompts I suggest are one. What happens in a relationship? When you start to have a wandering eye? When you cheat? Is it that your partner is absent? Is it that your partner becomes critical? Is it that you're no longer having as much sex in your current relationship because that also happens? people's sex drives ebb and flow and and sometimes you need to learn to communicate about sex because it's not as forefront on the mind as it is during the honeymoon phase. So that is one question I asked you to ask yourself is what happens in the relationship when you leave? When do you start feeling that off? When does it go from feeling good? Not feeling good? start becoming really aware to start looking at your parents relationship or your caregivers. So the adults you grew up with when you were a child? Did either of your parents cheat Are your caregivers cheat? Where are you surrounded by infidelity in any way? Was there something that happened in your childhood to cause you to not trust others? Cheating? is a way we can re live a pattern of untrust? Three, what do you think cheating will give you that you don't have in your relationship? What is your driving force of cheating? Is sex what used to exit? Is it a nummer? Is it a way you check out from life? What feelings are you having before you cheat? Before that night you say you go out, drink and then cheat? What are the feelings you're having before then? Is it always that you had a fight beforehand? Are things good beforehand, and then you're self sabotaging. That's another reason people can cheat as well as is that they're so afraid of real intimacy. They're so afraid of real connection that they self sabotage, because they are so afraid of opening up. Does that sound like you? I want you to start asking yourself how you're feeling? When things don't feel so good. how you're feeling right before you cheat? It sounds like you're connected to how you feel after you cheat. But I want you to journal about your shame and guilt you feel after you cheat as well. Why do you create a pattern in your life that elicits shame and guilt. I know for me, when I used to drink, I used to feel a lot of shame and guilt, I used to feel a lot of shame. The next day, I used to feel a lot of guilt the next day. And I had to look at how that was a pattern of self hatred, how I hated myself so much that I drank because I hated myself. And then I put myself in a shame spiral the next day because I hated myself. And I had to really look at why I hated myself and why I was creating this pattern. And for everyone, that's going to be different. And it's very complicated. And for me, it had a lot of layers stem from a lot of different places. But for me, that self sabotaging pattern that I was in for 10 years, over 10 years, was out of self hatred. So that's my second thing for you is, if you feel like you have self hatred that you hate yourself, one, I want to say that's completely normal. We don't talk about it, but millions of people are walking around hating themselves. That is what starts so many people's healing journeys, is that we realize we don't like ourselves that much. We realize we have all this shame and guilt and that we are not our own best friend. So first, I want to tell you, it's okay. I've been there so many of us have been there. So many people aren't even ready to be honest with themselves about how much they hate themselves. So the day you can be honest with yourself is a beautiful day.
It's the first step. And then the question is, how do you get out of that? How do you get out of those self hating spirals. So many of us hate ourselves. I mean, we are fed media and advertisements and relationships and family dynamics that programmed us to hate ourselves. It's very common, and it's very sad. My hope is that everyone can learn to love themselves, but it's not taught, especially the older you are, it's like the less resources there were, I think there's more and more resources today. But this is a learning process. And learning to love ourselves in a world that hates themselves is a practice. So if you hate yourself, I want to offer you some self love practices. So I invite you to bring some self love into your life. And a few ways you could do this are one, to start sitting with yourself every day. So I talked about this a lot. But sitting with yourself is creating a time and a space. So this could be a morning routine, an evening routine, or a time in the day that works for you to sit with yourself, your thoughts and your feelings. So I think meditation is a great practice for everyone to start doing. Meditation has been around for 1000s of years. The benefits are endless. You can Google so many benefits. But I will tell you that on your healing journey, it is a beautiful, beautiful way to get in tune with yourself and to get out of that head of yours. So I invite you to create a self love practice because it really sounds like you really could use one. Because it is not kind it is not nice and you're hurting others with your actions. And maybe for a while you weren't even aware of this. But now you are bringing intention. And you're becoming aware that you're cheating is a problem. And you are hurting other people along the way. And it's time for you to take some responsibility. I don't think you are technically ready to be in a relationship if you find yourself cheating in every relationship. So I invite you to look at that. And I invite you to sit with yourself and as I mentioned this could be meditating and just sitting with those thoughts that come through becoming aware. What is your self talk? How self critical Are you? How many of those thoughts coming through your are loving? Do you have fears arise? Do you have judgments arise, become aware of what's in your head, but don't follow the thought. So that's like, with meditation if the thought I hate myself arises, don't attach to it, just see it and go, Hmm. So I'm telling myself, I hate myself. And if something like my partner's so selfish arises, become aware, just see it, just let it pass and just stay with your breath. And then once you feel ready, and that might take a few meditations before you feel ready, I invite you to drop in a question, why do I cheat? So that's one way to meditate. That's one way to become aware of your thoughts. I invite you to try guided meditations. First, I also invite you to do longer meditation. So allowing yourself to get into a really meditative place where you can drop in a question. But my second favorite practice, besides meditation, for getting in tune with yourself is journaling. So I offered some journal prompts, but I also invite you to pre journal, how you're going to get in tune with yourself is starting to journal about how you're feeling and what you're thinking. I really believe in stream of consciousness. So just write down all your thoughts. And they can be really self critical of you that can be critical of someone else, just write them. Just jot them down, I did a meditation the other day where I had to let some anger just flow out at someone. And I've learned that even though what I'm saying isn't very spiritual, or self loving, or loving towards others, that is held in my body, because of age of myself had that those real thoughts. So if you just allow yourself to and judgment, like detach, and just witness yourself with all these thoughts, that then it will flow into love. And the new like, Oh, I feel so much better now. What's really under that? Wow, that was a lot of anger. What is that about? Be you need to sometimes just let all those first thoughts, judgments and worries out before you can start asking yourself the question. So journaling is a great way to do that. I offered some journal prompts that I already said, and then through journaling, or meditation, I invite you to start becoming really aware of your childhood. becoming really aware of how your relationships now are reflecting a pattern from your childhood or a relationship you witnessed in your childhood that you were around. So many of us play out our parents patterns. unconsciously. That is because our inner child is looking to heal all the wounds placed upon us when we were children, which unfortunately, in this world is oftentimes a lot. Oftentimes, our parents are wounded children themselves. And when we're on our healing journey, sometimes we become more mature than our parents. And that can feel really hard and unfair. So I invite you to start becoming really curious, because you're asking, how do you stop cheating? How do you stop being a cheater, it's by learning to love yourself. It's by becoming aware of your patterns. And it's by changing your patterns. But how you're going to change your patterns is becoming aware of your triggers and working through your triggers. So for you, because it seems like a very ingrained pattern, I also invite you to look for a therapist. So I know that's not an option for everyone. But I do like to mention this every now and then. Because I think that therapy is a very safe place for us to start becoming aware of ourselves. It also is a great place for us to intentionally show up each week to do this inner work because I do the inner work every day. But I know that not everybody does. And not everybody wants to. But if you can set aside a time once a week to do it, I promise you will see changes in your life. I also invite you to look at your relationship with alcohol and cheating. Do you always drink and then cheat and then maybe become aware of how alcohol is negatively affecting your life and how you're using that also as an exit? I'm not sure but I invite you to explore that. I also just want to end this with I don't ever want anybody to feel shame and guilt. And I just want you to know that I have a lot of empathy for you. Because I think that you have an inner child who is seeking attention. But unfortunately, you are the only one who is qualified to give that inner child attention but you're looking for an elsewhere. So you're hopping from relationship to a relationship and then you're cheating in these relationships, always looking for someone to fill a hole in you that only you can fill. Oftentimes we get in relationships, or we cheat because we're looking for love. But that is because we are all not loving ourselves enough. We are all expecting other people to love us. But you are seeking more love in your life. But you need to give yourself that love. You have to learn how to love yourself and it's hard. I can tell you it's a hard journey to learn to love ourselves in a world that hates themselves. And I honor you and I honor your courage to ask this question. And I truly believe that the saying once a cheater always a cheater is not true, but how to stop being a cheater is Start loving yourself, start being aware of yourself. And if you don't know where to start, I invite you to call on a higher power, I invite you to start praying, I invite you to start asking God for help. Because sometimes we don't know where to turn and we feel so unlovable. God is source, that higher power can be that reflection for how loved we really are. You may not feel connected to God right now, you may not feel connected to source, but I want you to know that the universe, source God, whatever you want to call it, all names are welcome here is always there for you, always loves you, and is waiting for you to remember how lovable you are and is waiting for you to reach out. I used to feel a lot of self hatred, and what changed my life was connecting back with God, having faith that it was healable everything I had been through, that the damage I had cause to others was forgivable. And that I truly was lovable. So I offer you that. And I hope that you start to really look at this and become aware and self loving towards yourself, and forgiving yourself. There'll be a lot of self forgiveness on this journey. You may need to ask for forgiveness as well and offer some apologies because your actions have hurt others. But know that the most important person who needs to forgive you is you. You need to forgive yourself for the harm you've caused yourself and others. And you are worthy of that. But that's going to take time. So I invite you to start doing the work. Thank you so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher (Listener Question) 41:41
Dear New View Advice. I recently ended my relationship because I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. He said it was the only time but I'm not so sure. I'm devastated and heartbroken. I asked him why he did it. And he couldn't give me an answer. He kept saying, I don't know, I'm so sorry. How does he not know there's so much that happens before you sleep with someone? I find myself obsessing about the why I'm so angry and hurt and can't move on. Any advice? Thank you so much for this question. I'm so glad that today we get to talk about as I mentioned, both sides of the coin. And we get to talk about people who cheat and people who are cheated on because I think that the act of cheating, though forgivable, and though is a wound that needs to be looked on, it does cause so much pain to others. And what you're experiencing is very real. And you are going through the stages of grief. So I invite you to be kind and patient with yourself because you are not only grieving the end of a relationship that you were in, but you're also grieving a traumatic ending a hurtful ending. So there is an extra piece attached. This cheating wound is also on top of the breakup wound. And it's like having two cuts, rather than one that needs to heal. So I invite you to be kind and patient with yourself. Your feelings are very valid, and it is very infuriating What happened to you and you should be angry. That hurts. Someone broke your trust. So when you've trusted her you, I'm glad you're feeling that anger. I know it's so hard to feel anger. But so many of us in this society suppress our anger. Because we are taught anger is a bad emotion. There's nothing wrong with your anger. You just have to move your anger. And it sounds like you might be stuck in your anger, which can also happen as well. So thank you for this question. So I want to start with how you said you're obsessing about the why. So your mind is trying to control and figure out why this happened. And the truth is, you may never know why this happened. This person may never be able to give you a good enough answer. I found I used to listen to True Crime podcasts all the time. I used to love to listen to these stories, because I used to love hearing why people did these horrible things. But I found that I was actually never satisfied with the why the why was just never good enough to me. And it was because I was trying to, in my mind, figure out the why I was trying to like intellectually understand why people do horrible things. But what I realized is that it's not about the Y that in the end, in order to heal and move forward, the Y doesn't need to matter. And it's not necessarily important. That can be really, really hard to grapple with. But the truth is, sometimes the Y is not good enough, or sometimes the person themselves really isn't in touch with the why. So the person you were with, you said your boyfriend, your boyfriend can be very wounded. So they're why they really might not know why it could be a childhood wound. It could be a pattern they play out. It could be that they didn't feel loved and they were trying to exit it could be that they were trying to end the relationship and they didn't have the courage to have that tough conversation. It could be that they were self sabotaging as I mentioned. There's so many reasons And that person themselves might not be in touch with the why. But I think you're also obsessed with the why because you're trying to figure out how not to let this happen again. And how you're going to do that is not by obsessing about the why, but by more self love, forgiveness, forgiving yourself and looking at your part in this. So that can be really hard as victims to take any responsibility. But the truth is, you attracted this partner. So there's most likely a childhood wound that needs to be healed here. And, as I mentioned, oftentimes people cheat when they are unhappy in relationships. But it's not always, they can also be really fake and be to timing right making both relationships look perfect, but you need to look at any signs you may have missed. Any trust, you gave away too freely, any wounds that you attracted here, because oftentimes, we attract people to repeat our childhood wounds. So as I've given the example of a partner who used to work too much, he worked way too many hours. And he was never round. So he was a very obstinate partner. And he had no bandwidth to show me love. That's just how it was. And that's how it felt. It didn't mean he didn't love me. But he was never around. So there's five love languages, the amount of time he worked, he couldn't show me quality time. He couldn't show me physical touch. He couldn't show me words of affirmation you. He never showed me acts of service. And the last love language is gifts. And let's just say my partner didn't come home with gifts from work, he was too busy to go buy a gift. So I didn't feel loved. And all of this could look like I was a victim of circumstance that I was a victim that my partner worked too much. And didn't go out of his way to show me that he loved me and that he didn't put me into his schedule. I can feel like a victim. The truth is, I attracted this because that was my childhood wound. I repeated with my partner the same relationship I had with my father. I didn't even know my partner was going to end up with that job. But I swear to God, that's how it works. And my attraction senses my brain knew it. He has similar characteristics to my dad that I needed to heal. So I created the same relationship in so many ways. Now, it's not the exact relationship for anybody who's like, weirded out by this concept. But literally, we all attract our parents or caregivers. So I attracted it. So I could either just play victim that my partner was never around. Or I could look at what was going on. What was going on with me. How did I react to the fact that he works too much? Was I nice? No, I wasn't, was I understanding No, I was critical, was I able to show love when he wasn't no way I got super defensive, and I went on the offensive. So by being the victim of this circumstance, I could have just blamed him. But instead, I chose to do the work, the more I healed this inner child wound, which involves looking at my childhood, which involves looking at my current relationship, which involves looking at my relationship with myself, which were involved looking at my relationship with my father, which involved looking at all the feelings I had, around having this absentee relationship with my father and with my partner involved doing healing in the past and the present, the more love I was able to give myself, the more understanding I was of all the reactions I had, and how hurt I felt, the more I was able to be loving towards myself, the more I was able to be loving to my partner, even when he wasn't showing up. So I invite you to get real honest with yourself about what your relationship really looks like, before your boyfriend cheated on you. Again, I'm not saying get back together with him. Again, I'm not saying jump into any sort of relationship at all. Again, I'm not saying it's your fault. But I am saying that this is an opportunity for you to get honest with yourself. This is an opportunity for you to start healing your past. If you're ready. I have plenty of friends who aren't ready to look at their relationships with their parents. And I can be honest, I can see them playing out those patterns right now. But that's okay. I have so much empathy for that. I wasn't able to look at my relationship with my parents until I was ready. But the works there when you're ready. And you're going through a tough lesson right now. And I invite you to take that step towards healing, which as I said is looking at how you attracted a partner like this. Was he charismatic? Like one of your parents? Did he Meet your love language in one way and not in another, I invite you to become curious. I invite you to read couple's books. So the ones I've mentioned are the five love languages because maybe you're not even aware of your love language and I invite you to read getting the love you want. And I also invite you to read how to do the work by Dr. Nicola para, I invite you to start reading self help books, to get in tune with yourself to be start becoming aware of yourself. Because in order to heal from this, you have to allow yourself to feel all of this. But what might be happening right now, which is very common in breakups is you might be triggering a childhood wound with those breakups so breakups can feel so devastating and heartbreaking because a childhood wound is triggered. So say you have a fear of abandonment that can be triggered with every breakup because you're feeling abandoned, or trust issues can be triggered. If you have trust issues from your childhood, this cheating could trigger a trust issue now. And it's can seem like a present a problem. But it can be connecting back to a childhood wound. So relationships are amazing to do inner child work in and I talk about inner child work all the time. And I really don't believe you can completely heal everything in your life without doing any inner child work. But there are parts of us that need to be parented by us. There are parts of us that are hurt and are stuck in the past. And I want you to look at what part of you may be stuck in the past. And I hope this doesn't sound too much like tough love. But the truth is, I want you to move forward, I love you so much. I want you to be thriving, I want you to be living your best life. And I want you to be attracting a partner who treats you so fucking well. You deserve somebody who loves you, you deserve somebody who treats you like the loving being you are like the child of God that you are. And that's what I want for you. But the reason I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but the reason this might not sound like what you want it is because that's going to involve a lot of you loving you first, that's gonna involve you getting really honest with yourself first. And it's gonna involve you feeling all your feelings. So as I mentioned, you might be stuck in this anger, because this anger might not just be about this relationship. This anger could be about all relationships. You could be triggering your anger at all men. But I'm going to tell you a lot of times when we have anger at men, it goes back to that root, it goes back to that dad, that father figure caregiver, or somebody who abused you. I'll tell you my many issues came from my father, but also from the men who raped me. It took me a long ass time to start trusting men. And you know what, it was all valid how I felt. And I had to be kind and patient with myself. And I didn't rush the process. But throughout my healing journey, I have learned to trust men. But it wasn't easy. And I couldn't rush it. That's the thing with this healing stuff, we just want it done or we just want to be on the other side of heartbreak. But I want you to become really intentional with yourself because oftentimes with heartbreak, we end up just muting it, or we jump into a new relationship and we never resolve it. And I want you to fully move through this. And as I said that could involve some childhood work some inner child work so So for you, I'm gonna offer some journal prompts. So here's a few that you can start with, for cheating and connecting that cheating to your life. So one, is this the first time you were cheated on to? Was there someone in your childhood? Who cheated? Or were you ever around infidelity? Three, did you come into this relationship with trust issues? trust issues can be two things not trusting or overly trusting and giving away that trust a way to freely and not using any discernment. And this can also be a pattern from our childhood. I invite you to explore that. For what am I feeling now? Have I ever felt these feelings before? Five, when I look at my relationship before I found out my partner cheated on me, what was my relationship? Like? Were we in a good place? Was I feeling good in this relationship Was I feeling loved in this relationship? Was I loving my partner? I invite you to explore your relationship. Six, I invite you to just write about your feelings and to start letting the feelings you have out because as I mentioned, I think this could go back to your childhood but you're also going to have a lot of feelings in the present. So as I gave with the example in my relationship, it involved a lot of back and forth healing, healing, the present healing the past, healing the present, healing the past, seeing how the present was because of the past and the past was affecting the present. So I invite you to also explore any connections you see there between your present relationship or past relationship and your past. The more awareness you can bring, the more healing that will happen. But this doesn't always happen overnight. So I invite you to start journaling, start having a real journal, practice with yourself and becoming really honest with yourself, I invite you to feel your feelings, you're going to feel a lot of feelings as you go through a breakup. Don't shut down, don't numb them, feel them, allow them to move through you. And if you're feeling like you're getting stuck in one, like I said, with the anger, I think that is a sign that it's a bigger thing it's connecting to. So like a past wound, or a bigger wound than just the present day situation. I also invite you to be really loving with yourself and really kind with yourself. You experienced a trauma. So sometimes we don't always identify things we experience as trauma. And we think that what we experienced isn't that big no being cheated on is a trauma. This person inflicted a trauma on you. And you feel that trauma because you're getting stuck in a traumatic Thought Cycle. So how you're obsessing. obsessing about something we can't control is oftentimes a trauma response. So this is really traumatic for you. So be kind with yourself. As I mentioned in the last question, if you have the resources, I invite you to find a therapist, I invite you to look into finding help with this. If this is feeling overwhelming and devastating. That inner child within you, who I keep talking about is hurt. So I invite you to hold yourself as you would hold a young child whose heart was broken, don't be mean, be kind and understanding. And sometimes as adults, we feel like we have to rush through our pain and trauma, or we have to suppress it or numb it. And like it's not safe for us to feel our feelings because it might have not been safe when we were kids. But now it's time for you to take that responsibility in that time to feel and to love yourself. So I hope something in this answer helped. I'm sending you so much love and compassion. You did not deserve what happened to you. As I said, you deserve a loving partner who lifts you up and supports you and loves you unconditionally. That's what we all deserve. I love you so much. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher (Outro) 57:16
Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of New View Advice. I want to do a quick resource round up. This is where I sum up the resources I offered in today's episode. And for today, with cheating, I recommend one a meditation practice. Start getting in tune with yourself. Start getting in touch with your emotions, start looking at your thoughts, start seeing what you're telling yourself. This is good for everyone, to a journal practice for both questions, I gave specific journal prompts. Three, I recommend three books in today's episode one, getting the love you want to the five love languages, and three, how to do the work. I'm going to link those three books in my show notes on www.newviewadvice.com/22 . For I recommend therapy for anyone who feels like that's an option for them. As I've mentioned so many times before, I find it really unfortunate that it's not an option for everyone in this country because of our healthcare system here in the United States that mental health isn't always viewed as a main priority. And there's also a lot of people who still don't have health insurance. So I offer that as an option. But I really do want people who do have that as an option to consider it because I know that there can be a stigma around go to therapy, but therapy has been life changing for me. And I invite you to explore that if that's an option for you. And the last thing I recommend is to be kind impatient with yourself no matter where you're at. What I'm asking both of you to do both questions, and anybody who finds themselves in a cheating debacle is to get in touch with your inner child. Check in with your inner child. What are they trying to tell you? In all the circumstances involved with cheating, there's an inner child who's most likely asking for attention and to be heard. They can be really hurt can be really sad that can be really angry. But learning to talk to yourself like that child is a great way to connect with your inner child learning to journal to that inner child I have a inner child journaling practice on my website, I can link in the show notes. And also meditating and visualizing yourself as your younger self but your inner child is innocent and whole and deserves all your love. As do you as an adult you and as just future you all of you deserve all your love. So that is a practice and I invite you to explore healing this cheating wound no matter where you're at. So no matter what end of the spectrum. Oh another thing I recommend real quick would be if you want to hear more perspectives on cheating. Where should we begin by Esther Perel? She's an amazing therapist. One of her seasons is all about couples who are healing from cheating and it's really, really helpful. and it can be really really mirroring to hear other couples talk about the same issues that you may be facing. So thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. If you haven't already, I invite you to follow me on Instagram or Tiktok. So my accounts are at New View Advice. I'm always looking to connect with all of you in different ways. So I have found connecting with listeners through Instagram and Tiktok is so much fun and a great way for us to connect. So if you follow me on one and not the other, I invite you to follow me on both I release different content on both. So if you're looking for more New View Advice, you can find me on both those platforms Instagram and Tiktok @newviewadvice. Thank you again for joining me, Amanda Durocher for another episode of New View Advice. As always, I'm so grateful to be here with you and to offer a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time
Transcribed by https://otter.ai