06: Conscious Relationship Advice: How to Let Go of Control & Codependency in Relationships
Relationships can be challenging, and also very rewarding. In this episode, Amanda offers advice on how to become more conscious in your relationship.
This post contains affiliate links to some of my favorite tools and resources. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Full terms & conditions here.
In this episode, you will learn about:
What is a conscious relationship?
How to let go of controlling your partner
How to heal from codependency
Why so many couples are codependent
How to practice self-love while in a partnership
What to do when you’ve been in an on-and-off again relationship
How being single and being in a relationship both offer growth and healing opportunities
What to do when your partner doesn’t support the changes you’re making in your life
Episode References:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
This book also has a great companion workbook that is a great to do with your partner to grow and become more conscious in your relationship. My partner and I read this book together and did the workbook, and I highly recommend! Find the workbook HERE.
Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Dr. Joe Dispenza
The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman
Free Resource Corner
Check out my Conscious Relationship Guide.
This is a resource to help you bring more consciousness and awareness into your relationship.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
5:08 Listener Question 1
26:34 Listener Question 2
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:01
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher. And I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started.
Amanda Durocher 0:26
Hi, my name is Amanda Durocher. And this is New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a podcast where I answer listener questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. So for today's episode, I want to talk about romantic partnerships and how I think that they're such an amazing place for us to see where we still need to heal. So I think for anyone who thinks I don't have a trauma to heal from a great place to look first, for in our healing journeys are at our relationships with our romantic partners, because our partners reflect back to us the places we need to heal. So when we get angry at our partners, mad, frustrated, resentful, these are things we still need to heal within ourselves. So I'm a big believer in always going inward and our partnerships and really, partnerships take work. So I think a lot of people leave when it gets hard. And I'm not saying that there aren't partnerships, you should leave, there definitely are. But I think that we need to go inward a lot of times before we leave, and we need to ask ourselves if leaving is the correct answer, or we have to figure out what the root cause of our pain and suffering is within that relationship. So I think relationships are so beautiful. I think that having a partner to live with is such a great learning experience. I think that partnerships, relationships, marriage, really teaches us a lot about ourselves if we're willing to be present with the feelings that arise throughout these partnerships. Because truly our partners become mirrors of ourselves. I think so many people go through relationships on autopilot. And they think that relationships are supposed to be like love songs or like the movies, or that our partners are supposed to act a certain way. And the truth is, in a relationship, the only thing you can control is yourself. So I think a couple of these questions really go into the control aspect that so many people face in the relationships that we try to control our partners. So many people try to do this, it is so common. I call that codependency and I'll go more into that throughout these questions. But I think that bringing awareness to our relationships can change our lives. I think relationships bring so much joy, support and love into our lives. And I think that the conversations around relationships lack the depth that relationships really bring to our lives. I'm a big believer in conscious partnerships. So to me, this really just means bringing awareness to your relationship, and committing to grow together. Because if you're in it for the long haul, so if you're getting married, or if you choose not to get married, but you're with your partner, you found your person forever, you're going to be growing together. That's just how it works. We evolve over time. Things happen. We have families, we have children, and we change. So both people in our relationship need to be committed to growing. So when I first met my partner, I was 19. So we've been together for a while. And I had no idea about any of this. I definitely wasn't intentional when we first started dating. And this is something we learned over time. And it's honestly something I wish I had learned sooner, I really don't think it was too like started to go to therapy where I really started to become conscious about my relationship. And I started to see patterns within it. So in our relationships, we play out our childhood patterns, we play out our childhood wounds to be healed. So a lot of times the things I got angry at my partner about were really reflections of my childhood were really reflections of my wounds. So they were stories I was telling myself, they weren't necessarily what was actually happening in the relationship. For example, I have a partner who has a pretty demanding job, I had a father who had a pretty demanding job. So for me, I would get angry at my partner for not being home for dinner or for all these things around his job. And it really wasn't him I was mad at it was my dad. So there was healing there that had to happen. But I wouldn't have seen that without being in a relationship. So I think our relationships are just such great teachers, we attract a partner who can help us heal that route. And sometimes when we're dating, we can heal up wounds and then move on. But when we're in long term relationships, the goal is to heal up our old patterns, heal up our childhood wounds together and to continue to grow together and to expand and to love each other in new ways and to just continue supporting each other on this endless journey of healing. And I'm really excited to dive into this topic. I have so much to say about relationships. And if you have any questions after this episode, please let me know. And let's get started
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 5:13
Dear New View Advice. I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. I'm a 28 year old woman. And we've been together for two years and moved in together about a year ago, I find myself constantly frustrated with him. I feel like he hasn't grown up at all. We met in our early 20s. And I feel like he still does all the same things and has no interest in growing up. I do all the cooking, cleaning and housework and he doesn't even appreciate me. He spends his weekends drinking with his friends. And though I like to go out, I find myself frustrated that all our weekends are him drunk or hungover. I've started to resent him because he doesn't appreciate anything I do. I love him. But we fight all the time. I feel like we're always on the verge of breaking up. Do you think it's time for me to end it? Thank you for this question. I think there's so much here. And I think there's so much people can relate to in different parts of this question. So thank you so much for asking it. I love this question, because what I think you're describing is codependency. I think that we live in a society that is rampant. In codependency we live in a society where we are constantly trying to control one another. And we are constantly looking for external validation. We are putting all of our time and attention on each other. What does this person think what does this person need? What does this person want, when all that time and attention really needs to go inward? So of course, when we're in a partnership, we need to worry about each other's wants and needs. But we first need to show up for ourselves. And I really think that this is something that needs to be discussed because I think that we have created a society that is very codependent on one another and is always looking for outside validation is always looking to make someone else happy instead of themselves. We give so much of our happiness and power away to others by not listening to ourselves and by trying to control and manage other people. So to me with this question, because it sounds like you're putting your happiness on this relationship, you're putting this happiness on him and the things he's doing. It sounds very codependent to me. So I think that if you want to learn more about codependency, which I recommend you do, I recommend the book codependent no more by Melody Beatty. I've mentioned it many times before. But this is a great introduction to codependency. And it's a great book where you can one see if you're codependent and to see that most people you know, are codependent in some way from the way she describes it. Because again, it's really the revolving your world, your happiness, your life around someone else. So I think you need to start going within and start figuring out what you want and need. So for the question, should you stay together or not? I can't answer that question. Only you can answer that question. So I'm just here to offer you some guidance. And to hopefully offer you a new view, that will give you some clarity on what you need to do to change the situation because we are all in control of our own lives. And so many of us keep repeating the same patterns over and over again, wondering why our lives aren't changing. And a big person who talks about this is Joe Dispenza. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, nothing will change. So if you're unhappy in your relationship, you need to do something to change your relationship. So that is why self love is so important because we can't love anyone outside of ourselves. If we don't love ourselves. First, let me repeat that. We cannot love anyone outside of ourselves, if we don't love ourselves first. So if you're putting all your time and attention on what you think your partner needs, then you are not giving yourself what you need. And it sounds like you're frustrated that he hasn't changed. You're frustrated that he doesn't do any housework. And you're frustrated that he spends his weekends drunk or hungover. So I want you to communicate that you feel resentful that you don't want to do all the housework and you need to communicate it in a grounded way. Because if you're yelling your needs very common that your partner won't be able to hear you. When emotions become high after our partners become triggered because the emotions we play in our in our partnerships are often the same emotions like the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the crying, if those are common patterns played out, it's often from your childhood. So you need to learn how to communicate what you want in a calm manner before you call it quits. Because maybe your partner just doesn't know that. And if you're with somebody who's like, too bad you have to do it anyway. That doesn't sound like an equal partnership at all. I think more often than not, if you clearly communicate your needs, like I feel taken for granted. And I don't have time to work out, because I'm doing all the housework I need help be able to do it calmly, your partner will be able to hear that and it doesn't mean they're gonna want it to start doing the housework that they haven't been doing. But if they love you, they'll hear you. And this will start a dialogue about the changes that need to happen. So maybe you order takeout, a few nights a week, if your partner doesn't want to start cooking. Or maybe you think of some really easy recipes, maybe you start doing meal prep together. Or maybe you cook your own meals, and you leave it up to this guy, your boyfriend to fend for himself. It is not your responsibility to cook for him, you are not his mother, he's an adult, he can cook for himself. He can order his own food, if he doesn't want to help you. You can each be responsible for your own housework. Those are just some ideas I have about the housework piece. But I really think you need to communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, clearly, effectively and calmly, be grounded. So if you find yourself getting really frustrated and really angry, just remove yourself from the situation, go for a walk, if you need to get out of the house, lock yourself in a room and journal. Because once I get out the feelings because as I say, the feelings will pass, the feeling does pass, then you can usually get to the root. So for you the root, it sounds like is you don't feel appreciated. So for you, I would say not being appreciated is probably a childhood wound of yours, you probably didn't feel appreciated in your childhood, because our partners reflect back to us our childhood wounds, so they reflect back to us what needs to be healed from our childhood. And many people had parents who weren't emotionally evolved, who weren't conscious who were traumatized children and adult bodies. I want you to get real honest with yourself about why you're doing all the housework, and why you're trying to maybe control his drinking. I'm not totally sure if you're trying to control it. But it sounds like you're frustrated by it. You're trying to change it, which to me is you are trying to control it. And it's really not your thing to control. The truth is in this question, you're frustrated by his drinking and his hangovers. So again, have you communicated that to, I think you need to start taking a little bit more control of your life. So I really want you to spend more time thinking about you and your needs and not his needs. He's an adult, and he is responsible for his life. And I'm going to be honest with you, you are getting angry and frustrated. Because you are ignoring your wants and needs. You are actually more angry with yourself than you are with him. But you are taking this anger out on him. So you need to start getting really honest with yourself. So if you're angry, because he's not doing housework, you're it's really because you're angry that you haven't communicated. What you need. And you need support and you need more time for yourself is what it sounds like to me. And you haven't communicated with that. So the anger is really at you for not communicating it. And the truth is we expect our partners to read our minds. Everyone, your partner cannot read your mind, you literally need to tell them what you need. It's so basic, but so many people don't do it. So many people expect their partners to read their minds or have the same thought patterns as them. So of course, they'd understand what I need. Of course, he should know that I want him to do the housework. Honestly, he might not. He might have had a mother who did all the housework. And then he lived with you and you just started doing it. And he's like, cool, this is how it is. He may need to learn these things. And that's okay. You can be patient and loving through it, while also communicating your boundaries. You need to communicate, and then you need to start worrying about your own wants and needs. So it's often easier for us as people to focus on what others need are trying to fix others than it is for us to focus on our own wants and needs, especially if we have been ignoring ourselves for a really long time. So control with trying to control somebody's wants and needs, or focusing your attention outside of yourself is a form of control is a coping strategy. Because truly, the more we heal, the more we become aligned with the flow of life. And the less we need to control and we also learn that everything outside of us is outside of our control. So like I've mentioned, your boyfriend is his own person. And you need to start worrying about yourself, you need to start asking yourself why am I trying to control this relationship? What am I so afraid of? What am I not looking at what's inside myself? What am I afraid of if I stop doing all the housework? So so many of us look outside of ourselves because we have lost touch with ourselves. It's easier for us to focus on controlling others than it is for us to take responsibility for our own lives. Because the truth is when we realize that our life and our happiness, and our fulfillment is our own responsibility. We realize that the life we are living, if we are unhappy, that only we can change it. And that can feel really overwhelming depending on how much you need to heal, and where you are in your life. So many times we focus outside of ourselves, and we focus on our partners because we can, quote unquote, see what they need to change. And that's easier for us to see. But the truth is, that is not our work to do. It's not our responsibility to make sure our partner gets the job of their dreams are make sure that they're not that they don't drink too much, or to make sure that they eat well, or that they exercise, we can support each other. But it's not our responsibility to make sure our partner has clean underwear. It's not. If you decide to do that, that's great. And then you're making that choice. So that's the other part of this. If you choose to do the housework, then choose to do it. You're responsible for your choices. So I'm a huge believer. And if I have committed to something, then I've chosen it, and I have to accept it. Because there's plenty of times where I'm like, Oh, I wish I didn't agree to that. But then I take that thought away. And I'm like, No, but I agreed to do it. And I honor my word. And this is what I chose to do. So right now I'm pregnant with this. And right now I'm doing this. So if that's cooking dinner one night, and I decide I don't want to cook, I can either order dinner, or I just say you know what I'm cooking tonight, I'm going to own it, I'm going to relax into it. You have to take responsibility for your choices. If you choose to do the housework you choose to do the housework. So if you are ignoring your own wants and needs to make someone else happy, that's not good. So you try to control your partner. This often stems from our childhoods. And I obviously know nothing about your childhood. But I want you to ask yourself if there was someone in your life, probably a parent, but could be another caregiver, who you revolve your life around to remain safe. Was there a person who created a volatile environment that everyone had to tiptoe around? This could be an emotionally immature parent, an alcoholic parent, an absent parent and anxious parent, or did you have an overly controlling parent was your behavior you are acting out model to you. Because that is what you are doing, you are trying to control your partner and you're most likely playing out something from your childhood. So so many of us develop the coping strategy of control because we lived in environments when we were children that were out of our control. So we try to control others or control environments to remain safe. Because as children if we live in unsafe environment, basically, if it feels unsafe, we go straight into survival mode. And if you are able to get to the root of this and heal this, your relationship will transform without your partner doing a damn thing. Because you'll find that the more you heal within yourself, the less you are triggered outside of you, and the people outside of you will just no longer trigger you or they will actually change. And I also want to say I'm not condoning his actions, I don't know him. I don't know how much you have communicated what you need. But from this question, I'm guessing you haven't communicated your wants and needs. And then you expect him to read your mind. And as I already said, people cannot read your mind, we get this idea about relationships that our partner should think the same as us, they should act the same as us, they should be able to read our minds. Our partners are completely different people outside of ourselves. That's the fascinating thing about partnerships. That's what I'm so passionate about, is you're learning to co create and to live with somebody entirely different than you, you learn so much from your partner, you get this loving support, it gets you out of the I'm right mentality and just learning that there are different perspectives, people are different, people aren't going to do things the same way. And your partner isn't exempt from that they're different than you. And so it's your responsibility to learn how to support your partner in the way that's best for you and to love Him for who He is. And so that's really the question you have to ask yourself. If your partner never changes, can you stay with him? Can you love Him just as He is if he never changes, because you can only change yourself and you need to stop trying to change him. Another part of conscious partnerships is really loving your partner exactly where they're at. So I want you to learn how to love him exactly where he's at. And that's going to involve you looking at your triggers, looking at the things that bother you about him and ask yourself if any of this is a reflection of your childhood. So some actions I want you to take are action one, I want you to choose one area where you can stop being so controlling. So pick one thing about him that bothers you and start going inward. So the way you're going to stop being controlling is to constantly ask yourself why this really bothers you and how it is a reflection of a past pattern, a past relationship or a past, something with your family and your childhood. Okay? And then also how you'll get to the root of this is what is the feeling. So for example, for you feeling underappreciated, start jotting down every single time you have felt underappreciated, until you can get to the root. And if you can't quite get to the root start, look at all the times you have felt under appreciate it. Is this a theme in your life? Is this something you've been playing out for a while is this something you've played out in other relationships, start looking at it, and start forgiving yourself. But I really want you to start communicating. So a great book for communication is getting the love you want. It outlines the imago dialogue, which is a dialogue for communicating. So it's basically communicating your feelings. And why you feel that way, your partner mirrors it back to you, and asks, Did I hear you correctly, she would say like, I'm feeling frustrated, and your partner would say, if I hear you correctly, you're feeling frustrated. And then you'd say, Yes, you heard me correctly, and then your partner would mirror back, that they can see why you feel that way. And they can understand why you're frustrated. So they mirror back the thing and the feeling. And this can really relieve tension, because the thing that also happens in relationships is because we don't communicate, we don't feel heard. So then we get really frustrated that our partner doesn't hear us, but we're not communicating. So it's just communication is so key. And it's not something we're taught, and it's often not something that was mirrored in our parents relationships. So many of our parents didn't communicate in healthy ways. So we picked up their communication skills. So this could include bickering, resentment, yelling, steamrolling over someone not letting somebody speak. Or we could have divorced parents or a parent who has died or was raised by a single parent. So we don't even learn how to communicate with a partner because we never had anything mirrored to us. Truthfully, we learn how to function in the world by imitating others. So then when we're adults, we have to form new habits based on what we want, because we weren't always taught healthy ways to live. So one, I want you to choose one area to stop being so controlling, too, I want you to implement self love practices, this will help you to not be so controlling. So for you, I think you need to journal and get to the root of this. So I gave some things that I think you can journal about, really just always coming back to why am I so angry? Why am I frustrated. And also just allow yourself to vent on that page, allow yourself to just get really angry on the page, because oftentimes, I'll journal for like, one to three pages, and it'll be anger. And then that will start to shift into sadness, or a different emotion will start to arise. But I let that anger habits word. So many of us are afraid of our anger. But anger shows us is that something needs to change an anchor wants us to take action. So our anchor is showing us a place in our life that needs to change and that we need to take action on. So when we suppress our anger, it just gets bigger and bigger. But really, our anger is an ally. It's showing us often where a boundary has been crossed, or a boundary needs to be placed. That's awesome for us to know, that is intel from us, that is our body communicating us what we mean, so many of us are like, I don't know what I need, I don't know my want, look at where you get angry, and you'll know exactly what you want to need. So journaling would be great for you. gratitude list, meditation, you just need to start getting in touch with your wants and needs. So I want you to make a list of five things you can do for yourself this week. So is that working out is that going for a walk is that calling a friend you haven't talked to in a while is that getting a manicure? Is that going to the beach is that getting in touch with nature is that going to a movie set getting an ice cream, figure out what you can do for yourself this week and do it, I want you to do five things. And that sounds like a lot. So if that's too hard for you, I would pick one. But if you can't even think of one thing to do for yourself, that's showing you an area of your life you have a problem in so the third action I think you can take is that I think what would be really great for you is to start creating a conscious relationship. And a great way to start that is to read a book about relationships. So on my website, I have a book recommendations and the books I recommend for couples are for you. I think codependent Omoro would be amazing for you. So I think you should dive into that. I also think the five love languages can be good for you because the being under appreciated. I'm a little curious if acts of service is your love language. So you do all these acts of service and then you get mad because he doesn't do any. So oftentimes with the love languages, we do our love language, but it's not our partner's love language. So for example, mine is quality time. And I found that I would always try to have quality time with my partner. But his is words of affirmation. So I'd be really critical when he wouldn't want to have quality time with me. So basically, I was doing the exact all percent of his love language, and I was trying to give him my love language. And for him, he would give me a lot of compliments, which is not my love language. So it's like we were missing each other. Our intention was there, but we didn't know each other's love language. So we didn't know how to really fill up as Gary Chapman calls it the love tank. So it's like a lot of us have our tank on E when we get really mad because we're not getting the love we're seeking in the way that responds best to us. And our love language is often based off a childhood wound. So I think it'd be really good for you to look at if you haven't thought about your relationship in the terms of your childhood wounds. So those are my recommendations, I want you to stop controlling and one area I want you to implement self love, and I want you to read a couple's book. So just want to end this with, we all need to realize we weren't taught a lot of the skills that we actually need every day. And one of those is how to be in a romantic partnership. We were not taught those skills. And a lot of us, like I said, didn't have parents who mirrored healthy relationships. So we need to learn how to have those skills on our own. And how do you do that you read books you practice. Also be patient with yourself, be patient with your partner, things are not going to change overnight. But I promise if you start communicating, and if you start setting boundaries and respecting your own boundaries, if you start diving into your childhood, and why you are triggered by certain things, I promise you your relationship will transform. And if it doesn't, you will know when it's time to leave. I hope some of that helps. Please let me know if you have any more questions. Thanks so much for writing in.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 26:39
Question two Dear New View Advice, I have a dilemma. I'm almost 30. And it's really made me think about my next 10 years. I want to get married and have a family and there's a guy in my life who may be the one. But the thing is we've been on and off for 10 years. We met in college and dated. We broke up after college. But we live in the same city now. And we've been on and off for the past decade. I've dated other men, but it always comes back to him. Now that I'm almost 30 I feel like he may be the one or am I trying to force it because I want a family and I'm ready to really settle down. What a great question. Thank you so much for readiness in. All right. So you need to decide 10 years is a really long time to be on and off with someone. And I do believe we can break out with people and get back together. But you two need to decide, are you committed to each other or not? Because if not, it is time to let this guy go. I'm going to offer you a new view on the situation. You need to figure out what you're doing. You need to take responsibility for your life. It is time for you to decide, are you fully committed to this guy? And is he fully committed to you? Or is it time for you to move on and to grieve and to because that's what it is when we break up with people, we have to go through a grieving process, we lose someone in our lives, who we became very close with who we shared so much with so much vulnerability with that involves a grieving process. So you either need to fully let go of this relationship, or you need to try it out. So that's the first thing you need to do. And 10 years is long enough, you are ready to make the choice. You need to commit to each other or not. Especially like you mentioned, you're looking to start a family, you need commitment, then you need a guy who's going to be there through thick and thin. You want a partner who is fully committed to you and your family. So before you make your decision, I want you to really reflect on why neither of you has fully committed to this relationship. Does one of you tend to leave when things get tough. Do both of you back out? Is it when things get tough? Is it when another person comes in the picture? Do you guys get triggered over the same thing? My guess is that it's when things get tough. One of you decides to leave. So my guess is when one of your childhood patterns is really triggered. One of you leaves, I'm guessing that also because you have this on and off thing. You kind of like to leave before the other one can leave you because out of the fear of getting hurt. And I just want to emphasize, relationships are tough to be with someone for forever. It's a commitment and it takes work. They're worth it but they can be challenging and your partner will always show you where you need to grow. We have to get rid of this idea that relationships are just fun and sexy all the time. They're also angry, frustrating, challenging, and that's okay. That's the beauty. And we just need to learn to grow together. It's like out not every day at work is glamorous. Not every day in your relationship is glamorous. We do not need to leave them. When things get tough. Really. That's when we need to show up more for each other. So many of us are just seeking to be heard, seen and supported. And that's what's so beautiful about relationships is that once we can get over ourselves, and get over our triggers and heal, that unconditional love and support is what we're looking for and is what we can offer each other. But you can only offer unconditional love and support when you offer that to yourself first. So for you and this guy, it might also be good for you to take a break and do a lot of self love, commit to a certain amount of time on your own, not dating, not talking to this guy. And after like six months, a real inner work. Because I believe that if you are committed for six months to a year of just loving you, your life will change. And you're in a non enough relationship. So you have that opportunity, I really think we have to grow in relationships. But also think being single gives us an opportunity to learn how to love ourselves, learn our own wants and needs. So I think that that could be a really great idea for you too, but I don't know what's best for you. So, like I mentioned, you either need to choose to be with this guy or not be with this guy. And if you choose to be with him, instead of the single route I just recommended, you can also choose to be with him. And I think relationships offer accelerated growth. They teach us so many things, including compassion, empathy, how to be there for someone really, during hard times, how to co create, they're so beautiful, and they can be difficult. And they really teach us how to lean into self love more and more. And the more we live into self love, the more we can love our partners, I feel with my partner for 10 years and some days, months years are better than others. But it has been a blessing for me to grow with him. So another thing that I wanted to mention is that I think that by relationships that don't remain together and continually are on and off, you miss a great chance for growth. I think relationships teach us so much about ourselves and so much about interacting with other people. I think they teach us how to be selfless. They teach us how to compromise. They teach us how the world doesn't revolve around us. And I think that by your relationship being on and off for the past 10 years, you have, you have not allowed yourself to grow in all the ways that you could. So I think that when you're making this decision, one of the questions you should ask yourself is if this guy is somebody you'd like to grow with forever, and if you think he has the possibility of growth, or if you think he's interested in growing as well. But in partnerships, we learned how to coexist with others, we learn things. So our partners teach us things about other people, and they really teach us maturity, responsibility, and that the world doesn't revolve around us. And they teach us how to show up for others. I think that by you being so on and off, you're missing a chance to really grow. I think relationships are an amazing way to grow. And they teach us so much. And even when things get hard, it's not a bad thing, when things are a little bit tough in your relationship or even really tough in your relationship. That's part of relationships. If you talk to a couple who has been together for 1020 3040 50 years, you'll find that things were never always perfect. Things definitely get easier if you're committed to growing together. Because you really work through those childhood patterns that you're playing out. You work through different things and you grow and you change, but new challenges arise. And they're such an amazing place to grow. And I think that for you, you need to decide if this is the person you want to grow with for the rest of your life, or if it's time for you to let this relationship go. So I also just want to say that leaving somebody on and off to me is honestly one the fear of getting hurt into a control strategy, because you're afraid of getting hurt or because you're afraid of them leaving you or because you're so upset, you're trying to control. So you're using a coping strategy, where are you instead of working through whatever is up, or instead of fully leaving and committing to leaving, you've put yourself in this wishy washy relationship, and it's not healthy. So in order to heal through that you really need to look at why you are in this situation. Just start looking at why are you in this? Does this mirror other relationships or does this mirror a pattern from your childhood? Does this mirror something your parents played out? Or was your parents marriage or lack of marriage could have that affected you? I think that I have mentioned therapy all the time. And I just think that talking to so somebody about this could really help you. But you're playing out a wound that needs to be healed. And the question is that once this wound is healed, are you to a better match? Are you no longer in need of being each other's mirror of this wound? Here's an example that's coming to mind. So I can share the childhood wound thing with you say you had a father who was in and out of your life, say your parents were divorced, and you primarily lived with your mother and your father would come every couple of weekends, or you didn't even see him that much. So then you attract a guy who's in and out of your life. So this guy is not always there for you. So you're attracting a partner who does not fully support you, who's not fully there for you who doesn't fully show up in the way that a loving partner should, or a loving father should have. So you're playing out this because what you need to do is you need to start showing up for yourself. So really, what it comes down to when we play out childhood wounds, is we're looking to parent ourselves. So I talked about parenting ourselves and our inner child and the last episode, but just a little bit about this is that you are looking for that support, or for that person to fully show up, you're looking for that to be you, you're looking to be the father and the mother that weren't perfect. That is so important for humans to understand and for our growing journeys, is that we need to as adults start parenting ourselves. So for you, you want someone to commit to you. So you either want it to be this guy, and you want to start a family or you want somebody else to commit to you, you're done with this, back and forth, is what I think if you're asking this question, and what you're really looking for, is for you to commit to yourself, for you to show up for yourself, for you to love yourself, for you to find that worthiness within yourself. Because the more you feel that you are truly worthy of love, the more you love yourself, and the more you show up for yourself, and you don't put up with shit, like a guy walks in and out of your life, you're looking for you to say enough to say I choose me. Or if you're the one walking in and out of this relationship, then I would say that you're looking for yourself to feel worthy enough of that love. But you're looking for you to commit to you and commit to your own loving journey. If you want to have a Family Start loving yourself first, we are only able to be amazing parents, amazing spouses, amazing husbands amazing wives, when we treat ourselves right first, if not, we just end up projecting on to others, or we end up traumatizing our children, wounding our children. So that is why this self love Journey, the self help journey that I am so freaking passionate about is so important. Because it's time for us to take responsibility for our own lives. If you are unhappy in your relationship, if you are looking for more, it is up to you to do something different. So I want you to start thinking about why you've been playing this out and is this guy really the one you want to do this for the rest of your life with. So I know I threw a lot at you here. But I just wanted to give you a few actions that I think you can take right now to start becoming more aware of what you're really looking for what you really need and what these patterns you're playing out are. So first action is you need to decide what you want. Do you want to try and make this work? And if it doesn't, you're done for good? Or do you want to spend some time alone and disengaged from this guy you've been playing out this pattern with for the past 10 years. So I think you could make a pros and cons list. I think pros and cons lists are great, because I think a lot of times when we start to write them down, we can see more clearly what we want. Because you might write down a million cons and like one Pro, and you're like oh shit, or it could be reversed. So I would recommend writing down a pros and cons list about committing a pros and cons list about ending it for good. So a second action I'd love for you to take is I want you to journal I want you to start journaling if you don't journal. And I want you to allow yourself to free right? So stream of consciousness, right, which is you ask yourself a question. And you start writing the answer and you do not pick up the pen. So you just keep writing and just keep writing whatever comes to mind. You can't even write I hate doing this exercise. I don't know what's happening. Why can't anything come into my mind. Just keep writing whatever is in your mind. And soon it'll flow. So soon you're gonna get into a groove. This can be meditative. So this is an easier exercise for people who have trouble meditating. And you just allow your pen to write and write about your feelings, your anger, and just write until you get out everything journaling is so helpful because we start a dialogue with ourselves. And so many of us are walking around ignoring ourselves and not listening to our inner guidance. So this is a great way for you to start communicating with yourself. So some journal questions that I have for you are to journal about, why do you or he leave the relationship? Why have you broken up so many times? Why do you keep coming back together, I also want you to journal about patterns between this relationship and your childhood. And if you don't feel like this relationship mirrors anything from your childhood, get to the feelings. So if you're constantly frustrated, or if you're constantly resentful, or if you're constantly filling out a control journal about times from your childhood, where you felt that way, it's always helpful to go back to the feelings. Another question I think you should journal is what do I really want? And it could be a family and kids, and then write wise, and just get to the root, right? Why do you really want a family? What are you looking for? Because if you want a family and kids, that's not a bad thing at all. But until you're in a great relationship with yourself, you could be looking for something outside of yourself, like if your answers, I want to feel loved, that's a cue for you to start loving yourself. I also want you to turn about why am I putting so much pressure on 30 There are so many societal pressures around turning 30. And I think that's a real thing. But everybody has a different reason why that's triggering. So for you, it could be I'm not where I thought I was, or I'm feeling lost, or I'm done with the way my life is. But get in touch with why you have all this pressure on the age of 30. Because the truth is a day before you are 30. And when you're 30 there is no difference. So you could start right now making changes you want at 30 Nothing's gonna happen overnight. So you really have to start becoming intentional with your life now. I wouldn't wait till 30 I'd start right now. So those are some questions I thought of, I hope some of that was helpful. I also think a couple's book for you that can be really helpful is getting the love you want. Because this book goes into why we attract the people we do. And it's a great tool for learning to communicate, because it sounds like maybe you too, don't communicate great because you keep breaking up. So I just think it could be a great tool for you. And it could give you real insight into why you're playing out these patterns. So I hope some of those help. Thank you for this question.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 42:25
Dear New View Advice over the past year, I have started my own healing journey. And I started to make changes to my life. I'm exercising, eating better. And finally looking at why I am the way I am and trying to heal. Problem is my husband doesn't support me. I love him. But he doesn't seem to like the new me. He's always trying to push me into old habits, and he doesn't want to change the way we eat. Any advice on how to get my husband on board with these changes? This is such a great question. Thank you so much for asking this. I think this is something so many people struggle with. And I can relate to this, too. So thank you for this question. And I'm going to throw out some suggestions. I don't know what you've really done, to try and communicate. So I'm going to throw some stuff out there, take what fits, ignore what you've already done, or what doesn't fit. As always, this is a podcast where I give suggestions, and I offer a new view on your situation. But if something doesn't resonate for you just ignore it. This is really about me helping you connect with you. I can totally feel through your question that you really love your husband, and you're not looking to leave your husband, you're looking for a way to be the better you the best you within this marriage. And I think that's beautiful. And I also want to congratulate you on taking control of your life, I'm so happy for you. I really am I'm so happy to hear that you've made changes to your life and that you're eating food that makes your body feel good that you're exercising, and that you're really looking at your patterns, and really looking at ways to become a better version of yourself to become your best self. And that's what we're all about here. That's my passion. I just want to help people get in touch with themselves. So I am so happy to hear that you're on that journey. And so this is a great question. Because this is something when we're on our healing journeys, we are all going to come across, we are all going to come across people who do not necessarily like the changes we are making. So a lot of people are used to the old versions of ourselves. But when we start healing and growing, you will find that you start to evolve. And sometimes there are little changes. But a lot of little changes will lead to like a big change. But I like to call it a quantum leap. So you become a new version of yourself. And you'll find people who fully support it and you'll find people who don't. So for example, going sober this past year. It's been an interesting journey with seeing the people who are really supportive of me and the decision I've made to live a sober life and the people who are really triggered by it, and the people who I can tell aren't supportive of it and that's been really hard to come across. So I want to offer you some tools to come indicate with your partner. But I just want to say that what you're going through is normal. And there really will always be people who support you and people who might fall away. But you obviously don't want your husband to fall away. So here are some suggestions I have. The first is I want you to clearly think about and reflect on how clearly have you communicated these changes you're trying to make, I find that a lot of us who make changes in our lives can come up against old programming of worthiness. So we don't actually know how worthy we are of being our best selves. So we attract people in our lives to almost test us. And we can often break our own boundaries about our new selves, because we do not feel worthy of being our best self. So we attract people who reflect back to us that we aren't worthy of being that version of ourselves. And I know I've done this so many times. So for me with my self help journey, I have been working on myself for so many years. But a reason I had to give up alcohol this year is because I found that when I would drink, I would fall into being an old version of myself with people, because I didn't fully feel worthy of being my best self. I didn't want to rock the boat. So I was always like, why don't people see that I've changed, but the truth is, I was showing up as an old version of myself. So of course, they didn't see that I changed. So the verses I want you to reflect on how are you communicating these changes? For example, you mentioned the diet, so let's just use that as an example. So with food, are you saying these are foods I'm not eating anymore? And communicating that boundary? Or are you saying, I'd like to eat this? And if your husband says, Well, I don't want to eat that? Do you break your own boundary? Are you quick to be like, fine, we can eat pizza, even though I wanted to have grilled chicken and vegetable? Are you quickly breaking your own boundary? Or are you actually communicating? I am trying to feel better in my body. So I'm currently trying to eat healthier. And I would really like you to support that I would really like for us to implement healthier meals into our diet, and less junk food, less fast food, whatever it is that you're trying to eat less of less processed foods. And are you really communicating that? Or are you breaking your own boundary, because like I said, so many of us break our own boundaries, and then we get mad at others. So I want you to reflect on how much about these changes you're actually communicating to, which goes along with communication, you need to set boundaries, and then you need to stick to your boundaries. So your husband might not like these boundaries at first. But the longer you stick to them, the more he'll respect them, people will push up against our newly made boundaries, because they're like, I don't like that. So you have to love yourself enough. Love yourself enough through this because this is hard. But love yourself enough through it to stick to your boundaries. So if you want to eat a certain way, stick to it set your boundary, you know, you don't have to eat all the same meals. And that becomes difficult. And maybe he'll realize he doesn't like cooking his own meals all the time. Or he doesn't like eating alone. So he'll give into your healthy eating. Because we want to have partners who support us. So I think here, you're asking yourself, to show up for yourself and to fully show up for yourself and to support yourself. And the more you do that, the more I really think he will change. But you have to show up for yourself first and you have to set those boundaries. So how you're going to do that is through self love, you're going to love yourself through this process. It sounds like you guys might have been a little codependent for a while. So you might have been doing the same things, eating the same things not exercising, having these bad habits together. And you disengage from that, because you chose yourself and not this codependent pattern. And so he's rubbing up against this because you're making changes that he may not be ready to make. And the truth is he doesn't have to change. So that's why it's bringing up that codependent thing is that he doesn't have to change. And what I've found is the more I change, my partner either changes with me, or the things that I wanted him to change don't bother me anymore. My partner, he doesn't do a lot of the things I do. He doesn't delve into the self help but to the extent I do so I think that codependent pattern is you wanting him to change too. And the truth is you can't change him. So the question you have to ask yourself, which I said in question one I think is can you love him if he doesn't change? And can you love yourself enough to stick to what you need? So for example, when I first went sober, I really wanted my partner to give up alcohol too. That was like me being codependent and I wanted somebody to be able to lean on, but he didn't he still drinks and I've realized that I actually really liked that because I liked that we're both doing what we want to do. So what you want to do is make these changes and love yourself through it. Love your part partner through it and not need him to change, but to communicate that you need him to support you and your changes. So that's really what you're looking for what you need is to communicate that you need him to support you throughout your changes. The truth is, he doesn't have to change for you to be able to change. Because I just, I really find that when we really embrace our new lives, our new selves, our new patterns, our new self love practices, we really own it. And we feel worthy of it, we feel worthy of the love we're bringing into our lives, because we're bringing more love into our lives, because we're loving ourselves more. Because we're happy with ourselves, we don't feel ashamed anymore. We don't feel embarrassed by ourselves, we don't have that self hatred. And we don't have those negative thought patterns. When you get rid of those by changing your life. And by embracing the things you think you should be doing, and you really own it, and you do not sway. That's when people start to see how good you're doing. And that is what inspires change. So really, what you want to do with your partner is you want to exemplify what your best self looks like. And hopefully that will inspire him to change. But you have to exemplify that first, because we do not have the ability to control others, even the people closest to us, especially the people closest to us. So those are the people we're always trying to change. To get him on board with some changes, I think that you just need to communicate the changes you're making and ask for him to support you in that. And then also tell him, I really think you should tell him you're not asking for him to change, you're not, you're asking for him to support you and changing and I think that he'll be more responsive to that. I think that often, when we change, we expect our partners to change and they don't want to change. So then they make it harder for you to change, when really all you want is for him to support your changes. And I truly think that when he sees the happier you, the more fulfilled you are, the more joyful you are the more abundant, prosperous, healthy you that that will inspire him to change. Now, if you have a partner who's saying, Fu, I don't want you to change. I mean, that's completely different. I'm not getting the impression, that's necessarily what this question is. But if that is the case, I recommend couples therapy, because one of the pillars of a successful relationship is the ability to support each other in our independent journeys. So having a partner who supports you doing what you need to do, even if that looks completely different than what they're doing. So that's why I think you need to communicate what you need, but not expect him to change. So I hope that helps the actions, I recommend our communication, setting boundaries. And a third thing you could do, I mean, because you could see if he's open to change, you could invite him into the meal plans you're making. If you want him to change his diet, give him I have helped the options and let him choose which one he'd like to eat, or with exercise. See if you'd like to go on a walk with you see if you'd like to do a challenge with you. And with the self growth. What I have found through my relationship is that you really can't force someone to look at themselves. But the more we go in and the more we change, and the more we become happy because we look at the way we are. We look at why we're the way we are. We look at our childhoods we look at our trauma, the more it really does inspire others to change, the more it really inspires others to wonder why they're so anxious, why they're so depressed, if they see you able to move through those things. So really leaning into self love through this will really help you and just boundaries and communication, our forms of self love. And it's not swaying in the wind like a feather. It is being that rock and doing exactly what we want. And rocks are unapologetic. So I hope this helps. Thanks for writing in.
Amanda Durocher [outro] 54:01
I hope that these questions were helpful. I would love to hear from anyone listening about if they have more questions about these if they have questions about their own relationships, they have questions about anything I talked about, I would love to hear from you. So for this week's free resource corner, I've put together a guide that you can find on my website for conscious relationships. So it has some tips on communicating. It has some journal prompts, and it just has some basic communication tips and ideas for you moving forward in your relationship. And I think so many relationships aren't bringing awareness to their relationships. So this is just a guide on how to start that process. And you might not like everything on the guide, take what feels good for you take what resonates and feel free to transform some of the questions and just use it as a resource and what could be best for you. I think it's so important for us to bring consciousness and awareness into our relationships. So I put this guide together for you to help you with that. Thank you again for joining me for another episode. If you enjoyed today's episode, I would love to ask you to rate and review the podcast. Reviews really helped to bring others to this podcast and allow me to bring you more content and allow us to continue exploring the healing journey. So I would really appreciate that you can do that through any app you're on, but especially through Apple podcasts, you just scroll to the end of the list of episodes and you can click five star review. I'd really appreciate that. Thank you. So thank you again for joining me, Amanda Durocher for another episode of New VIew Advice. As always, I'm so grateful to be here with you and to offer a new view on whatever you may be going through. sending you all my love. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
