most shameful secret
You are my most shameful secret,
The one buried deep within
The cemetery of my heart
Where all my heartaches live.
I've been cleaning up the cemetery
Putting the dead to rest.
This is where I found you
Paying for your theft.
Your grave was hidden in the dark
Buried far and out of site.
Designed only to be looked at
When I was embodying the light.
You are my most shameful secret,
The one it's taken the longest to see.
The one I fear the most
Because of what it means.
For you tortured me in ways
I struggle to express.
Now I must clean you up,
No longer burdened by this mess.
I’ve learned to discern
What was truth and what was fiction,
And as I look at you lying here
I see signs of an old addiction
Where I deemed you better than me,
Worthier, Holier and even cliche,
For you were a predator
And I was your prey.
I fell for your your spell
As you gazed into my eyes,
And told me I was beautiful.
And brushed my inner thigh.
Did the stars play a part
In your treacherous story?
Or was it comets crashing
That took away my glory?
Your theft was one unseen,
A secret only I knew was done.
You took my innocent nature
And left me naked and undone.
Are you my most shameful secret
Because of the role I played
In allowing you to write the narrative
In the game where I stayed?
You called me crazy and a liar
And said I made the whole thing up,
And when I tried to fight back
You threatened to shut me up.
No, if I'm truthful and honest,
You remain a secret so shameful,
Because despite the treachery
There is one thing more painful.
It’s the truth that I wanted you to love me
Despite all the harm and blame,
I wanted you to pick me, save me
And take away my pain.
I lived in a world of fantasies
Refusing to see the hell I was in,
Where you tarnished my reputation
And set me up so you could win.
But I'm over this old story,
The one where you're better than me,
Where I forgot my own worth,
And lived as a victim of your trickery.
So I'm cleaning up your grave
And laying you to rest,
Deep within the Earth
No longer in the center of my chest.
I now have a garden
Where this Cemetery used to be,
Filled with flowers and roses
And now brings me such glee.
It used to be so dark here
Now it’s filled with light and love,
It serves as a personal reminder
Of all I have overcome.
Written by Amanda Durocher
4.24.24