03: Grief is a B*tch: Advice on How to Heal from Grief and the Death of Loved Ones
Grief can be one of life’s greatest teachers, but if we don’t deal with our grief it can start to wreak havoc in our lives, which is why Amanda is so passionate about discussing grief and the grieving process.
In this episode, Amanda answers questions about grieving the death of a parent, balancing grief and motherhood, and how to transmute our anxieties about death into momentum to live life to the fullest in every present moment.
In this episode, you will learn about:
Why Amanda is so passionate about the grieving process
Why it is important to not ignore our grief
Steps to heal from the loss of a parent
How to heal from an unexpected loss
Actions for moving through grief
The different stages of grief
Questions to ask yourself when anxieties about death arise
Why grief is one of life’s greatest teachers
Why grief teaches us the importance of the present moment
Episode References:
Resources for find a therapist
Therapy Aid (low cost therapy for essential workers, and a few other qualifying groups)
Check out my Instagram Post for Questions When Interviewing a Therapist
The RTT Hypnotist I’ve used and recommend: Marisa Simeone at Audit Your Life (offers virtual)
Also, the Lively Community Foundation offers free sessions for certain groups of people to work with RTT therapists in training , check if you qualify HERE (I found Marisa through this program)
Free Meditation Resources
Free Resource Corner
Apple Music Playlist: GRIEF IS A B*TCH
I recommend creating your own, but I created this as a jumping off point. Put in some headphones or blast some speakers and let your body move, and let the feelings come as you listen to music.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
9:12 Listener Question 1
23:24 Listener Question 2
35:57 Listener Question 3
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Otter. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher 0:00
Hey, before we get started, I just wanted to give you a heads up that this podcast discusses heavy topics as well as uses explicit language listener discretion is advised.
Welcome to New View Advice, a safe place for you to ask your most vulnerable questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher. And I believe our fears and traumas are often what holds us back from living life to the fullest. Join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever is holding you back from being your best self. Let's get started. Hi, my name is Amanda Durocher. And this is New View Advice. I am so excited to have you joining me here for another episode. If you're new here, this is a podcast where I answer listener questions about life. And we discuss what people are going through in real time. I answer questions about life, relationships, healing, and so much more. So I just want to dive right into today's topic because today's topic is grieving and the loss of loved ones. And I think that this is a topic that there's so much to talk about. And there's so much to say. And I think that we can do multiple episodes on this topic. Death is something that everyone will go through at some point in their life. It's part of the human experience. Unless you die young, you can't go through life and never experience grief. So I think that this is such a pertinent topic. I don't know when you're listening to this episode, but right now it's the middle of April 2021 end, we're still in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic. And the news has covered so much about how many people have died over the past year. But I haven't heard that many conversations about the grieving process. So for every death, there is someone grieving. For every death, there is most likely 10 times that many people grieving that death, and death happens every year. It does not just happen in the pandemic. But I just think that death has been on our minds. I also received some really vulnerable questions about this topic, and I thought it was a great place to dive in today.
Amanda Durocher 2:08
Another more personal reason why I chose to talk about death this week, is because as I record this episode, it is the birthday of a close friend of mine who died in my early 20s. So as I mentioned, in my first episode, his death was the catalyst of my healing journey. I find myself this week reflecting on my own grieving process, which I now realized was a process. But it was also a journey. It took me about three years to fully heal from the death of my friend. And I can't tell you the day I woke up and felt like I was fully healed. And I think that's part of the process. You know, throughout those three years, I went from constantly thinking about him, constantly being triggered, constantly being thrown off balance, to then not thinking about Him every moment of every day, or going through a day and not thinking about him or not needing to call on him. So I'm really passionate about the grieving process, because I think it's an opportunity for us to reevaluate where we're at. And a lot of these questions I received have this idea that the grieving process isn't that long. And that is a myth. I think our society also gives people 12 months, 12 months, we get it and then after that, it's like why are you still talking about that. And the truth is, Grief can take years, I think it often does take years, especially the grief I experienced was a unexpected death. So I think that can take a little longer. And I only say that because if it's unexpected death, then you start grieving when you find out about that death. So you start the grieving process as that person is alive. And when we experience an unexpected death, you have to go through all your feelings after the person has passed. And also if somebody is dying of cancer, and you know they have a year to live, you can say a lot of those unsaid things where if somebody dies unexpectedly, you're left with all these things you never said. So I want to say to anybody who's in the midst of the grief, midst of the grieving process, I want to let you know, I see you and I see the pain you're in and it's real and it's messy. And I want to tell you, if somebody died in your life a month ago, six months ago, five years ago, 20 years ago, and you're still sad about it, you're still in the grieving process. And that's okay. Don't judge yourself for how long it's been. You are allowed as much time as you need. I want to help you move through it. I want to help you get to the other side of it because there is another side of it, where it's not so painful. Or you can think of your loved one with fondness and love. And that's it. So today I want to spend some time talking about grief and how for me I view grief as a teacher. I think grief shows us how precious life is and how we should share every present moment, I think that if you can be present with your grief, it can transform your life. And I think it can wake you up from this illusion that life is always going to be there. I know how hard the grieving process can be. And I put an emphasis on heart because the grieving process is filled with so many emotions like anger, depression, sadness, sorrow, guilt, all these feelings that we're conditioned to shove under the rug that we're conditioned to shove down. And we're conditioned, really not to have and not to talk about, but grief brings these right to the surface, it makes it really hard to ignore it. I think a lot of people, the grief comes up, and then they shove it down, and they don't give themselves the full time to grieve. But I think that if we do give grief the time, I think if we're present with our grief, it's an amazing teacher. It shows us how strong we are. It shows us how resilient we are. And it shows us how we should cherish every present moment. The death of loved ones reminds us that we shouldn't be so worried about the future. And we shouldn't be living in the past. It's important to live in the present moment because life is a gift. And we need to remember that not every moment is guaranteed, we are not guaranteed the next five years, 10 years, 15 years, 25 years, our partners, our loved ones, our family, our mothers, our friends, our grandparents, whoever it is in your life is not guaranteed any time. So it's so important that when we're with people, and when we're with ourselves, to cherish the present moment, this life we have all been given is a gift. And the more we live in the present moment, the more we can really cherish that gift. It is so often our fears of the future, and our regrets of the past that keep us out of the present moment. But death is an equalizer. Everyone experiences it, everyone dies. And everyone experiences the death of someone at some point. And it reminds us that it's the present moment that matters. So with that said that grief can be such an amazing teacher. It also can wreak havoc on our lives when it goes on dealt with, it can cause physical pains and our body to shut down these emotions. These painful feelings are hard to deal with, they're hard to sit with. And if we don't have the right support systems, we can often check out disassociate, numb and isolate ourselves. So I know how hard the grieving process can be. And I want to offer you some tools and tips today that helped me through these questions I received. So just want to say that I'm at a point that I'm so grateful for the grief, I have experience. But I didn't always feel this way. For a long time, I really wondered why my friend died and why I didn't. And for me, I would classify this as part of the bargaining phase. For those of you who are unfamiliar, there are five well known phases of grief. And these are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. For me, I know that these stages come and go in waves and in no particular order. Even though there are five stages of grief, I would say that there's a million feelings that'll come up there's a million emotions that come up within these stages. These include like sadness, sorrow, depression, anxiety, numbness, rage, anger, overwhelm, panic, guilt, and so many more. So wherever you're at, in your healing journey, wherever you're at with your grief, know that your feelings are valid, and there is no right way to grieve, really want to emphasize there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone's grief looks different. Everyone's unique, and it's a long process. And everybody's relationship is different with who died. I mean, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. So do not judge yourself, and do not judge others for their grieving process. So for today, I'm answering three questions about the death of loved ones, each vary. I think some of the answers overlap a bit too, because all the advice I give to one about grief can really be applied to all but they each have their own unique elements that I want to discuss as well. So let's jump on in.
Amanda Durocher 9:16
Question one, Dear New View Advice. I'm struggling with the death of my dad. He died over a year ago, but I still think about him every day and have a hard time getting over it. I feel like I'm supposed to have moved on by now. My mom and my brothers seem to be doing better. But I feel stuck in the past. I feel like they don't want to talk about my dad and all I want to do is talk about him. I want to remember him. I want to continue remembering him. Why does it feel like I'm the only one still grieving. I feel lost and confused. Any advice? Thank you so much for your question. I think this is such a relatable question for so many. And thank you for being so honest and right again. I think many people feel like they're the only ones still grieving and struggle with this. I also think that losing a parent is very difficult. And it's also very common. Most people experience the death of a parent, the alternative is you dying first. And most of the time, this isn't the case. I think that although this is very common, we don't talk about it as much as we should as of society, because it is so common. So first, I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent is never easy. This was a traumatic event for you and your family. And I am so sorry. Our parents are such influential figures in our lives, and they affect us in so many ways known and unknown to our awareness. And the death of a parent is a big life event that so many people experience. First, I want to address the part where you say, I feel like I'm supposed to have moved on by now. I disagree. It sounds like you're exactly where you're supposed to be. Less than two years is still not a long time at all, when it comes to grieving and you lost a core figure in your life. So be easy on yourself, there's no need to judge your grieving process. Your feelings are valid, you're moving through a very difficult time, be patient and kind with yourself. As I mentioned earlier, I think that as a society, we don't give people long enough to grieve or we're not like understanding long enough, the grieving process is long. It's hard. And it's shorter for some people, but it's at least a year, I haven't met anybody who grieved in less than a year. And also it's not, we're grieving all the time, if we're continually moving through the emotions as they arise, you might have a fine March and then April could be the anniversary of your father's death or your father's birthday. And then all of a sudden, all these feelings arise in April. It's not linear. grief comes in waves. And I don't want you to think that you should have already moved on. That's just not how it works. You could really be grieving the death of your father for your entire life. I mean, our parents are so influential on us. Also, I want to address how you don't think your mom and your brother are grieving. Still, I don't think that's true, I think they are still grieving. And they're grieving in their own ways. And their grieving process, it sounds like just looks different than yours. Everyone grieves differently, and it looks differently on everyone. And I think that we need to stop judging our own grieving processes, as well as we do stop judging others, we don't know where they are at and how much pain they can handle right now. Also, a very common thing is that grief brings up other grief. So when I was grieving the death of my friend, it also brought up my unresolved grief about my grandmother who died in my teens who was like a second mother to me. And I hadn't finished grieving that. So I had to deal with both of those experiences and those grieving processes at the same time to fully move through my grief to fully heal that wound, of losing loved ones of losing the physical form of losing those hugs and those times together, and realizing that I was gonna have to go through the rest of my life without these people in my present day reality. So grief brings up grief. And I think that we just don't know where people are at. And we don't know how much they can handle today. And we don't know how much they do behind closed doors. And I just wouldn't compare your grieving process to anyone elses. So with that said, I'm going to offer you some advice. But as I always say, sit with it, and see what resonates. I do not know what's best for you, only you know what's best for you. But I'm going to offer you some ideas on how to move through this and how to heal from this immense loss you have experienced. So one to go along with how your family doesn't sound like they want to talk about your dad, I think you need to find a therapist, if you have not already. I mentioned therapy in episode two. But I really think you should get a therapist, you cannot expect your mother and your brother to be your support system through this grief. As they go through their own grief. I think we oftentimes expected the people in our lives to have the emotional capacity and the emotional space to be able to hold and create that space for us when they might not be able to do it. That is why I am such a proponent of therapy. We need to get over ourselves and we need to get support and we need to get help. You need to have somebody in your life who will let you talk about your dad as much as you want in a judgment free zone. Who does not tell you to shut up who does not tell you to stop talking about her tells you that they can't handle it. Because the truth is if your mom or your brother tells you they can't handle it today, they really can't. So that can't be your outlet. You need to get a therapist. You need to get someone or go to group therapy. But you need to find a space where you can talk about your dad. We can talk about this loss you experienced. Your feelings are real and it sounds like you want to feel them and you want to move through them. But the people in your life might not have the emotional capacity to be there for you. And that sucks. But that's also okay. They're doing the best they can to. So what you need to do is find a place where you can talk about your dad freely. For me, the first time I really went to therapy was when my friend died. So for me, it took about four months of being super depressed, drinking way too much. And I decided to finally get professional help, because the people in my life could not support me, my partner and my friends and my family couldn't handle my grief, especially my partner, my friends were grieving as well. And they couldn't be there for me full time, like I needed. So I got this space, where once a week, I could go in, I could just talk about him, I didn't even have to talk about my feelings I just talked about him. That was super helpful. So I really do think that that would help you, I think that you would feel that that need to talk about your dad wouldn't be so much. If you had a place where you could talk about your doubt, I'm guessing you don't have anybody who will let you just talk about him nonstop. So I really think you need to find a therapist. If you go to my Instagram page at New View advice. I posted this week questions that I recommend asking when looking for a therapist. And then also in the show notes from last week, which I'll link this week, I listed some resources for finding a therapist. So one I recommend therapy to my second idea for you is have you delved into any creative outlets, I think you would really benefit from putting your grief into writing, art or movement. So I think because you have this whole where you want to talk about your dad, I think you could also create this for yourself. So for example, I write a lot of poetry when I'm upset, putting all those feelings into prose, and then reading it either to myself to my therapist or to my partner, I find that that really helps me to fill that hole. If something eating me up, and I can't stop thinking about writing about it helps you to come full circle with it. A lot of times I can work through that emotion that's up by writing poetry. I'm also a screenwriter and my screenplays. So that's movies are another outlet for me. My stories are therapeutic. My stories are about things I have experience. And obviously they're dramatized. But I create worlds and stories based off the people in my life, and based off the feelings I'm going through. And it's a way for me to work through it. And I found that my creativity has helped me immensely along my healing journey. It has helped me to feel like I can take control back and places where I lacked control, it has helped me to move through feelings, it has helped me to see other people's point of views along the way by writing characters where I'm like, Oh, well, that makes sense. So I highly recommend a creative outlet for me it's writing. But I also think art could be a great way for you I use painting sometimes. And I think by yourself some paint, some watercolor, some colored pencils, whatever works best for you just get those feelings on the canvas. It doesn't have to be pretty, it can be abstract, it doesn't have to be anything specific. But just to allow yourself allow your inner child up to just feel and just pain and just allow that paintbrush to express how you're feeling. And another idea I have for you is that you could just do this art for yourself. Or if you wanted, if this feels therapeutic, you could do a piece of artwork for your father, you could bring it to his grave. Or if he doesn't have a grave, you could drop it in the ocean or bury the picture in the woods, art and Mother Earth really can help with this Mother Earth is always trying to support us. So along with writing and art, you could also use movement. So many people express their feelings through dance and movement. This is also movements a great way to get rid of trauma, because trauma gets stuck in our bodies. So dance, move it out. Third idea I have for you is if the creativity doesn't resonate, I encourage you to find a way that feels authentic to you to remember him. So to honor his life and to honor your lives together. And just to honor your life that you're still here. One idea I have is that you could create a spot in your home or in your yard that is just for you to talk to your dad. I know it's not the same as talking to our loved ones who aren't physically here. But I really found throughout my own grieving journey, sitting in meditation, and visualizing talking to my friend immensely helped me. You know, I used to do this all the time, I would visualize my friend in my mind's eye and I would talk to him I would tell him how I felt I would tell him how much I miss him how much I really wish he was still here. If I was angry that day, I would tell him I was angry. I was at him. And I used to think this made me sound crazy, but it really brought me so much comfort. It brought me so much comfort and allowed me to not feel so alone, or that he was so far away. I don't think it's uncommon either. I don't think it's really talked about but I think that talking to our loved ones helps. So if you find it too hard to do through meditation or just sitting and visualizing. Another way you could do this as our recommend writing a letter to your dad and your journal. So write Dear dad and tell him all your feelings. And then I would write yourself a response. What how do you think your dad would respond to you, you know your dad better than anybody probably, you know, or you know him really well. So how would he respond, just allow the pen to flow. Don't judge it allow him you are if you believe in God source or a divine power, whoever you believe in, allow them to write back to you. And to help you move through this, you are not alone allow the support in a fourth thing I have, which is really an additional because I think you really need to cultivate your own individual practices. And that's what these first three are. But I do think that you should communicate with your mom and your brother how you're feeling, and tell them that you would like to set up a safe space to talk about your dad. So if this is setting up something on a holiday or on his birthday, or doing family dinners on Fridays, I don't know where you live together. But you tell them that you want to find a way to honor your dad's life together as a family. And I think you'll find that they're probably more open to that than you think. But just do that in a communicative way. Try to be not so emotional. And just tell them how you're feeling calmly and express what you're looking for. And I don't know your family, they may be open to that idea. And if not, if you have a partner, maybe they would be open to doing something with you to honor your father's memory. And you could do this weekly, monthly yearly, to wrap up my ideas for you our therapy, creativity, creating a spot and trying to meditate or journal on this grief and with your loved one, and also to communicate with your family about a way to honor your father together. But I really think that it's important for you to cultivate a self practice because I think what you're looking for you need to cultivate within. And I think that you're not going to get it from them right now. They're not able to be the support you need right now. So you have to cultivate that within, you need to cultivate that grieving process. You need to cultivate the safety to feel those emotions. And you need to find ways to honor your father on your own. But I do think you can also go full circle and bring in your family. So I just wanted to say before I move on to the next question, I just want to take a moment to acknowledge how you said how you feel lost. I recently heard someone say that we have to be lost before we are found. And I thought that was so beautiful and so true. I know you feel lost and confused and sad and depressed and angry about what happened. But the more you allow yourself to feel these feelings, the more you give yourself the space to be with the pain, the more you will find a new you, you are currently going through a rebirth, your life is different, there is no going back to who you were before your dad died. And it's okay to grieve that old life as well. This episode is all about grief in regards to loss of loved ones. But we go through grieving so many times throughout our lives. We go through grief in so many different ways. And right now, you're not only grieving the loss of your father, but you're grieving the loss of your old life. You are changing and that's okay. You may feel lost. But I promise you, you will find yourself at the end of this. And you'll be stronger, more loving, more resilient, and you will feel more whole at the end of this. I am sending you and your family so much love as you continue to heal. Thank you so much for your question.
Amanda Durocher [listener question] 23:30
Dear New View Advice, my husband unexpectedly died while I was pregnant, I fell apart and was a complete mess for most of my pregnancy. Once my child was born, he has given my life a sense of meaning again, I am no longer as depressed as I was. But I still find myself having complete meltdowns and not being able to be fully present with my child. My mind is always thinking about how unfair life is and how I'm going to raise this child on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in grief and can barely keep my head above water. Any advice for how to grieve for my husband and be a loving mother at the same time? Thank you for this question. This is such a vulnerable question. Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your loss. Wow, I am so sorry for everything that you've been through. I think anyone in your situation would be a mess through their pregnancy. So I don't want you to judge yourself for that. You have gone through something so hard. You have gone through something that most people will never experience. All death is hard, but unexpected deaths. Add an extra layer of trauma from the sheer shock of the incident. That is a shock on the body. And I'm so sorry, you had to go through that. I'm going to guess you and your husband had a lot of plans that also weren't able to come into fruition because of this loss. Pregnancy is our time of planning and creating a stable environment. And you were thrown a fucking curveball and nobody should go through that. So again, I am so sorry for your loss, but I am so how Happy to hear that the birth of your child breathed new meaning into your life. That's such a beautiful gift for your question, there is no perfect way to grieve and to be a mother. But by asking this question, you are already showing how much you care about your child, you are already reaching out for help. And that's wonderful. And you are already a wonderful mother. So I'm going to offer some advice. And again, please take what resonates and leave anything that does not work for you. I do not know a lot about your situation, I do not know about your support system or your finances. So I'm gonna throw some stuff out there, but you take what fits. Okay, one, as I mentioned to the person with the first question, I know I say this over and over again. But I think you need to find a therapist, I think you need to find someone to talk to about your grief. So I think that for you, a great option would be to find a virtual therapist, which I think most therapists are doing virtual right now. And maybe you could find somebody who could talk really early in the morning, or somebody who could do evenings. Or if you have somebody who could watch your child while you did therapy, but I think you need therapy, I will forever promote therapy, you have gone through something that most of the world cannot relate to. And I'm sure you have found that what you've been through make some people uncomfortable, you have experienced an extreme loss at a devastating time. And many people become very uncomfortable with that level of pain you have experienced. So I believe you need a professional to help you through this and to create a safe space for you to read through this immense tragedy. I'm don't know your friends and family. But my guess is they cannot provide you the safe space to grieve for what you lost. Your trauma that you experienced triggers others biggest fears. So that is why it is so important that you find a good therapist. If you start emailing therapists with your story and how you have some time constraints, I promise you, people have hearts, someone will get back to you and somebody will help make this work for you. So one therapy, to I don't know what your support system is like, but you need support. I think a therapist can help support you. But you need support. Also to help you with your child, you are a single mother, you are an unexpected single mother, you thought that you and your husband would be raising your child together. And now you're a single mother. So I really hope you have support. But if not, I want you to communicate with your friends and family about your needs. Because maybe they're helping you but you're not communicating about how much you need, or how you need more from them. They don't know what you've been through. I don't know the pain you've been through, I can sympathize. And I can picture it and I can feel it in my heart. But I have not walked in your shoes and neither have they. So you need to communicate the level of support you need. You need to communicate with your friends and family. And if you don't have friends and family, you need to find help. I don't know your financial situation. But I think getting a nanny or part time help is really important for you. And again, if you're strapped for money, if you're if you're struggling financially, right now, the internet is a beautiful place. It's also a horrible place, but it's a beautiful place, right about what you went through and for anyone out there and I think that you will find someone who's willing to work with you. Like I mentioned in episode one therapists work on a sliding scale, I bet you could find some part time help that would be willing to work on a sliding scale for you and maybe even lower their rates because you're gonna find somebody with a heart, and you need people to support you right now. So ask for that support if you don't have it. And I'm gonna guess that from your question, I don't think you have enough. And this just might be the lack of communication, but I want you to find some more support. Okay, number three, I know this is hard for new mothers, but are you prioritizing yourself? Are you even on the priority list? So are you giving yourself some time at night during naptime or in the morning, whenever you have 20 minutes to an hour to yourself to grieve. I think that you are having a hard time with your mind. Because you are not giving your mind the time it needs to grieve. So you are having little meltdowns during the day because during those times, my guess is you're probably numbing by numbing it can be like anything you're doing to avoid how you're feeling. This could be eating watching TV, sleeping, drinking, but my guess is you're probably you might be numbing. I don't know for sure. You also I understand don't get a lot of time to yourself. But I think you need to find 15 minutes a day to prioritize yourself. And I know it's going to be hard. I know that for you. I think yoga would do wonders. I'm sensing this experience was really traumatic and it on grounded you. So you had a sense of safety that is no longer there. And I know you're probably thinking, Amanda, I am a new mother, I have no time for yoga, I really think you need to find the time. Even if it's 10 minutes a day with a yoga mat and a video on your cell phone, you are in your head. Because your body is holding the pain and you are ignoring the pain. You're ignoring your body. I think you're literally living outside your body. So a lot of us aren't grounded in our bodies. So we're more in our heads, you need to drop down into your body, you need to breathe into it, you need to feel it. I think it's holding a lot of pain. So you're having trouble doing that. So for you, I really recommend yoga. Okay, number four, my last idea for you would be that I want you to pick a mantra for yourself to repeat yourself when you catch yourself falling into the thought pattern that life is not fair. Because I'm gonna bust a myth for you. Life is unfair. We are sold a lie by society that life is supposed to be fair, the truth is Life is not fair. That is a lie. Now that you know that, what are you going to do about it? When I was grieving, it's when I learned that life really isn't fair. And everybody experiences things that aren't fair. And life was never meant to be fair. So now it's time for you to take control of your life. You're so strong, and you're so resilient. And I want you to know that. And how do I know that because you're still standing today, despite everything you have been through, you are a force of nature, it is no small feat to be standing where you're standing, do not forget that it has taken a lot of strength, you are incredible, be kind to yourself, there is no need to punish yourself. You're an amazing, incredible mother, you are doing the best you can I know that. So I want you to pick a mantra for yourself to repeat yourself. When you catch yourself falling into this old, we're going to call it your old thought pattern. from here forward, I want you to view that as your old thought pattern, I want you to pick a new thought to repeat to yourself when you catch yourself falling into the thought pattern and the cycle of that life is not fair. And those fears you have the future. So some examples I can think of off the top of my head are I've been through tougher days than today. This too shall pass or I am strong, resilient, and an amazing mother, I am striving today, or I woke up today because I still have a purpose. Thank you, God, I'm ready to face the day. Or I'm stronger because of the challenges I face. Today is a good day to have a good day. And I want you to write one that resonates with you. So you could write your own or you could use one of those. And I want you to put it all over your house, I want you to write it on post. It's an index cards, I want you to post on your mirror on your fridge on the door to your room on the door to your child's room. I want you to post it everywhere to remind yourself how it was all going to be okay. You just need to take life right now one step at a time. And this other idea that's coming to mind is that I think that you could possibly do hypnosis, or you can find somebody online. I did RTT hypnosis, and that really helped me with some thought pattern loops I was struggling with I saw a fear around leaving the house, I used to feel so much safer at home, I worked with a hypnotist to help me through that. And I like RTT because you get to your root causes, and you reprogram. And for me that really changed my view of leaving the house, it was pretty incredible. You can do that virtually I did hypnosis virtually. I don't know your thoughts on that. But I think that that could be something that could work for you too. But also for your mind. As I've mentioned in the past, daily meditation and daily journaling. As I mentioned in the previous question, I think the journaling and the meditation practice, visualizing your husband, and the journaling to your husband could really help you as well. And I just want to reiterate that you may feel like you're drowning, but you're doing better than you think the fact that you asked this question tells me that you're going to be okay, you're asking for help when you need it. And that's really the first step. You're not meant to go through this alone, which is why I'm really thinking you need more support. It's never going to get easy and your support isn't going to fix it. But it's going to help you. And maybe you already have a great support system. But I'm sure somebody out there who can relate to this question needs to hear that they need a little bit more support. I think so many of us need more support in our lives. Also, the grief is still going to arise and your grief is going to continue to come in waves. There'll be days when a song comes on and you start crying or walking with your child and you see something that triggers you or you turn on the TV and something reminds you of your husband and you weren't expecting it and you start to cry. As we go through the grieving process. This happens and it's uncontrollable. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel as much as that feeling in the moment. And if you can't break down in that moment, allow yourself time at night or in the morning. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to be angry. Allow yourself to feel depressed some days. You're moving through grief. All these feelings are natural. You're still a good mother if you need a day to yourself. You are still a good mother Do you unexpectedly have a breakdown, you're human, your feelings are valid and real, and they're there to show you what you lost. They're there to remind you that there's still a part of you, that needs to heal. And also you deserve to grieve not just for your husband, but for the life you thought you were going to have. You're allowed to grieve that life You thought you're going to have with your husband, you're grieving the you that no longer exists, the you whose life was upended. So you're just getting your footing in this new life you're living, and that's okay. And I would just once again say, don't be so hard on yourself. Take it one step at a time. This is a really, really hard thing you're going through. I send you so much love, and I hope something is the answer is able to bring you comfort and to help you on the next step of your healing journey. Thank you so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher [Listener Question] 36:02
Dear New View Advice. My grandmother died this past year, she had a long battle with cancer and also contracted COVID. While in the hospital during her final days, her death hit me a lot harder than I expected. She was 95. And I started to believe she would live forever. She seemed so invincible to me. I miss her so much already. grappling with her death has brought up a lot of my own fears and anxieties around death. I really believe she is in a better place and is no longer suffering. But what about me? I know it sounds selfish, but I'm left with all this sadness, as well as fears and anxieties. How do I learn to live with these new anxieties about death? Thank you for such a vulnerable question. First, I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. One of my grandmother's passed away when I was a teenager and she was like a second mother to me. So I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Though your grandmother lived a long life and sounds like she's very loved, it is still really hard to lose anyone we love. So your question to me is how do I learn to live with these new anxieties about death? So I want to quickly say that I think that throughout your grieving process, the tips I gave throughout questions one and two apply to you as well. I think finding a therapist finding a support system, maybe finding group therapy, finding a creative outlet movement, all can help you throughout your grieving process. But for this question, I really want to go into these anxieties you have about death, about how do you learn to live with these new anxieties about death? I don't think you learn to live with these anxieties. I think you start asking yourself about these anxieties. What are your anxieties about death? What are your fears around death? Do you fear the unknown? Do you fear a life of unfulfillment? Do you fear living the life you're currently in? Your grandmother was 95. And I'm not sure how old you are. But I'm gonna guess you're not that old to be worrying about death. But here you are thinking about death. And so to me, this is an opportunity for you to think about the life you're living. I think this experience is a chance for you to learn to live in the present. I think it's interesting that you're already fearing death, and you're already fearing the future, when I think your grandmother's death is a reminder of the importance of the present. I want you to start living in your present day reality and to stop worrying so much about your fear of death. And to do this, I want you to delve into your fears of death. What are you really afraid of? Are you afraid of the unknown? Are you afraid of a life unfulfilled? Are you afraid of dying and you didn't do things you wanted to do? Because these are all things you can change in your present day reality? So start asking yourself about these anxieties. What are they telling you? Because my guess is they are telling you something because life is a gift. And if you're too worried about debt, you're not living in the present moment and you're not appreciating that gift. And I think that your grandmother's life, a way to honor her life is for you to live for you to live your life to the fullest. I know you're sad about your grandmother's death. That's natural. And I know you have fears and anxieties around death. Now. Those are natural as well. But don't let those stop you. Use this opportunity. Use these feelings you have right now as momentum as momentum to change your life as momentum to live the life you want. The more I dove into my grieving process, the more I realized that the life I was living I was unfulfilled. The more I realized that if I died tomorrow, I'd be wildly unhappy with the choices I had made. And instead of being anxious about that, it was time for me to dive into the life I was living to take control of my life. I took that momentum because I had those same fears and anxieties. And I kept asking myself what am I afraid of? What am I really afraid of? And I was really afraid of living this life that I was miserable in. I kept asking my What if this is it? Oh my god, this would be horrible. And then I realized only I could change it only I could take control of my life. I don't know your grandmother. But my guess is that she doesn't want you to worry about that. I really believe that the dead want us to know how mazing our present moment is they want us to live in our bodies, they want us to appreciate the lives we have while we have them. Life is precious life is short, we need to cherish every moment, we need to stop being so afraid and start living the life of our dreams. And only we can create that you do not need to fear death none of us do. Because I'll tell you the end of the story, we all die, you do leave this physical form at some point. That is a fact. And that day could be tomorrow or that day could be 90 years from now. You don't know that's part of life. So I want you to start journaling. I want you to start journaling about what are these fears and anxieties around death? And where do they come from? I think with a lot of us, when we start fearing death, our controlling mechanisms come up. We realize we can't control when we die, we can't realize we can't control when others die. And that's terrifying. So many of us are running around trying to control all the time. And this often comes from having childhoods where we were out of control childhoods in volatile environments, childhoods with parents who yelled childhoods with parents who were emotionally unstable childhood with parents who beat us childhoods with parents who sexually abused us childhoods with parents who neglected us childhoods with parents who abandon us. And we walked around as little kids and we tried to guess their every move. And we could not control our parents because we were children. So now we are adults trying to control everyone and everything because we are still scared children inside who wanted to control and want to control because we never want to feel that pain again. But guess what, when we feel grief, that pain comes up again, that pain, and it's different pain, but all pain triggers more pain until we heal it right. So sadness, trigger sadness, if you haven't resolved it, it's just heavier. It's just heavier grief reminder that we're not in control of life, life is in control. Life is a gift that we get to have while we're here. And I believe every day we wake up, we still have a purpose here. And that is something to be grateful for. And that is something to celebrate every day. So I want you to journal about your anxieties and your fears around death. I also want you to start meditating, because your fears and anxieties to me are showing that you are not in the present moment. And I want you to start living in the present moment. And I want you to start meditating. And I want you to pick one area of your life that you want to change. Because if you're fearing death, I'm pretty sure you're unsatisfied with your present moment. So I want you to pick one area of change and do it in honor of your grandmother, and the life she lived. In honor of her you're going to embrace your life even more, you're going to embrace your life to the fullest. We do not live forever. I really believe that grief puts into perspective that it is not worth our time to worry about the future or fret over the past. Grief shows us how valuable the present moment is. Thank you for this question. I'm sending you so much love. Okay, so I still haven't thought of a name for this. So it's still free resource corner. But this week for grief of the free piece of content I wanted to offer is that I have created a music playlist on Apple Music that I'm going to share with you but you don't have to use my playlist. The resource I am offering and the idea I'm offering you is that I think music and dancing and movement transforms our trauma transforms the pain in our body. And grief is such a universal emotion and many artists, singers, songwriters have written songs that really capture these emotions. And I put together a playlist of songs that resonated with me, not every song is about grief, but they touch on the emotions of grief. So not every song it's about the death of someone. But the songs encapsulate the emotions I felt and some of the songs are just songs between me and my friend. And this is just a jumping off platform for you to create your own playlists. Music helps us to get in touch with our feelings. And for many of you, you may be suppressing some of the feelings some of the grief you're experiencing. And I think music and moving to the music can help you get in touch with those feelings. And it can feel like a safe way to feel the feelings just to really get lost in music. So for this week, I'm going to offer you the playlist I created. It's called grief is a bitch and grief is a bitch. It's hard. And I hope that today helped you in some way if you're going through grief in any way. Thank you for joining me for another episode of newbie advice. I know we talked about a lot today, and I would love to hear your thoughts on today's episode and if you found any information here pull on your own grieving process. So feel free to reach out to me via email my website or through Instagram at newviewadvice. I will include links on how to reach me and all the resources mentioned in today's episode in the show notes which can be viewed at www.newviewadvice.com. Also reminder that you can submit a question through my website or you can send me an email. Thank you so much for joining me Amanda Durocher for another episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to be here with you and to offer a new view on whatever you may be going through. See you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
