98: How to Support Survivors of Sexual Assault, Rape, & Sexual Trauma

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Apr 24

This episode focuses on the partners and loved ones of survivors of sexual assault rape, and sexual trauma. Sexual violence impacts more than just the survivor and it is so common for the loved ones to feel overwhelmed, scared, angry, alone, and confused.

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In this episode, I will outline six steps for how to support a loved one who has experienced sexual trauma and also the importance of helping yourself throughout this process. My intention is to support you in learning more about the experience of being a sexual assault survivor and also assist you in navigating this difficult situation.

Recommended Episodes 🎙️

Book Recommendation 📚

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis

Learn More on How to Support Survivors: 💪

Check out the New View Advice Healing Sexual Trauma Hub:

View the Healing Sexual Trauma Hub

Resources for Survivors of Sexual Trauma

Timestamps ⏱️

Introduction: 00:14
Question: 02:06
Outro: 26:27

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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:01]:
Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get started. Hey, beautiful soul. This is Amanda Deroscher, and welcome to New View Advice. If you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers. I believe you have all the answers you seek.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:26]:
You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode. Today's episode focuses on the partners and loved ones of survivors of sexual assault, rape, and sexual trauma. Sexual violence impacts more than just the survivor, and it is so common for the loved ones to feel so overwhelmed, scared, angry, alone, and confused. Nothing can prepare you for the journey you are currently on. In this episode, I will outline 6 steps for how to support a loved one who has experienced sexual trauma and also the importance of helping yourself throughout this process. My intention is to support you in learning more about the experience of being a sexual assault survivor and also assist you in navigating this difficult situation. I wanna mention up here at the front of this episode that you are not expected to know the perfect things to say or do.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:11]:
So much of life is learning how to navigate the uncomfortable and the unfortunate experiences that so many of us have. It's okay to not be perfect. I'm grateful you're here at all and want to support and grow with your loved ones. I think it says a lot about you as a person that you are interested in listening to a whole episode about how to support a loved one who has experienced sexual violence. Thank you for being here. Before we jump into the episode, I wanna mention that I invite you to check out the show notes for this episode at newvioadvice.com/98. I will have more websites and links there on how to support loved ones who have survived sexual violence. And, also, if you are a survivor of sexual violence, I invite you to share this episode with loved ones so they can learn how to better support you throughout your healing journey.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:52]:
If you have any questions after this episode, please email me at contact at nooviaadvice.com. So with that, let's jump on into talking about how to support loved ones who have experienced sexual trauma. Hi, Amanda. Thank you for your podcast. I found you because my girlfriend was sexually assaulted, and I want to help her. She is really struggling, and I have learned a lot by listening to you talk about your experience. I was wondering if you had any advice on how I can help her through this. It feels like one day she'll be okay, but the next, she isn't.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:21]:
I find that I'm terrified that I'll say the wrong thing, but then I feel guilty for not saying anything at all. Is there anything I can do to help her? Thanks. Thank you so much for this question. You You're definitely not alone with this question, and I wanna thank you for asking this. I think this is such a great conversation for us to have. And I wanna say that all your feelings are valid, and I think they're really normal for what you're going through. And I'm so sorry that your girlfriend was sexually assaulted, and I'm so sorry that you're navigating this situation as well. Sexual violence impacts more than just the survivor.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:50]:
And with sexual trauma, like so many traumas, there's a ripple effect, and the event ends up impacting so many people and experiences. So I really just wanna honor your experience as well. I truly am sorry. No one deserves to be sexually assaulted. Nobody deserves to experience sexual trauma, and no one deserves to see their loved ones suffer. So for anybody new here, I guess I should just mention that I was sexually assaulted in my youth and also in my teenage years, so I'm very familiar with the trauma of sexual assault and rape. And it's a really painful experience for those who experienced it and for those who are surrounding the survivor. So this episode, I think, is really important because I think that there's resources out there for rape survivors and sexual trauma survivors, but there's not as much out there for people who are looking to support their loved ones.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:35]:
And I know from personal experience how hard it is. You know? I talked to my partner when preparing this episode, and he really opened up about his experience for a long time. I couldn't hold space for his experience. And, you know, it breaks my heart that something that I experienced had such a big impact on the people I love. I can't say enough how devastating sexual violence is and sexual trauma and all trauma. I mean, it's just so heartbreaking. So I really just wanna honor you, and I think it's so beautiful and loving that you want to help your girlfriend and for anyone else that you wanna help your loved one. Because I think that so many of us don't know how to handle these type of situations.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:14]:
Right? Like I said in the intro, nobody prepares you for this type of experience. So I just wanna honor you and any feelings you may be navigating. I truly understand how hard it is to witness people suffer and feel out of control, overwhelmed, and want to see your loved one be happy again. Right? So I just wanna honor all the feelings you're having as well because, as I said, sexual violence has a ripple effect, and it affects more than just the survivor themselves. These are things I and my partner have learned through my experience as a rape survivor, and I will also include more resources on my website with more tips for supporting sexual violence survivors that you can find at newbieadvice dotcom/98. So here are 6 ways to support sexual violence survivors. 1, it's okay that you don't know what to do. You're not supposed to know what to do, and I want you to know that no one is prepared to handle this type of experience with a loved one, and that is okay.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:13]:
You don't have to know what to do right now. I think this is so important as the first one because I think so many people think they're supposed to know what to do, or they think, oh my gosh. I'm supposed to know the right thing say, or they're so terrified of saying the wrong thing as you mentioned in your question. And it's okay that you feel scared, angry, terrified, confused, overwhelmed. It's okay, and it's okay that you don't know what to do. However you feel is valid. Sexual assault and sexual violence is not just hard on those who experienced as we've talked about it. It's also hard on the loved ones.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:41]:
It's okay that you don't know what to do. The goal here is to be kind to yourself and your loved one because your loved one who experienced sexual violence also does not know what to do. But what you can do is be kind, and if it would be helpful for you, you can look into resources that you can share with your loved one. If If you're listening to this episode, maybe this is something you're already doing. But I wanna note here that it's important to respect the decisions of the survivor. So many people wanna help sexual violence survivors by offering their advice. But the truth is only the survivor knows what is best for themselves. And it can be hard when we think we know what's best for someone we love, but it's important to remember that everyone is navigating uncharted waters here, and they're very rocky waters.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:24]:
And the best thing you can do is be there for your loved one without forcing anything on them. They already had an experience where they felt out of control. Please be kind and loving with your loved one. I mentioned this under you don't know what to do because I think that when we don't know what to do, sometimes we try to overcompensate with offering advice or trying to force what we think somebody should do. And I just invite you to step into that state of mind that it's okay that you don't know what to do and that the best thing to do is to just be there for your loved one. And this leads me into my second way you can support somebody who's survived sexual violence is to be kind, compassionate, and loving. I think the most important thing is to remain kind and loving with someone who has experienced sexual violence. Let this person know you are sorry this happened, that it was not their fault.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:12]:
Let them know that you still love them and you care for them. Truly saying I'm sorry that this happened to you and it was not your fault are really powerful for someone who experienced sexual violence. You don't need to overcomplicate it. So many sexual violence survivors blame themselves, and having somebody reassure them that it was not their fault is truly powerful. In my life, I actually only ever had professionals tell me that I didn't deserve what happened to me and that it wasn't my fault. I think people in my life knew that and they felt that way, but they never told me. They were all too afraid to bring it up, I think. And they were too afraid to say the wrong thing, so many people didn't say anything at all.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:54]:
And because I didn't receive a lot of kindness throughout my healing journey, I really experienced a lot of people ignoring what I was navigating. It was really painful for me. And when I look back, I understand why it was really hard for all the people who survived me, but all I really needed was kindness, compassion, and nonjudgmental spaces, and reminders that it wasn't my fault. And to any survivors of sexual violence who are listening, I am truly sorry for what happened to you, and I'm really sorry that you had this experience. If nobody's told you today, it was not your fault. Please do not blame yourself. You are not responsible for the senseless acts and violence of others. You are beautiful and kind and I want you to know you are braver than you know your willingness to heal.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:39]:
Also, I promise it does get better. I wasn't sure for a long time. I didn't know anyone else who had ever healed and found peace after sexual violence, But I can say I'm now in a place where I can promise you it is possible. It just takes a hell of a lot of patience, love, care, and compassion for yourself. And before I wrap this up, I just want to say to the people who are loved ones of sexual violence survivors that through your love and compassion, it's important to understand that a survivor is going through a really hard time, as are you, and I wanna honor that as well. And this hard time doesn't do with you. So like I said, your support and your encouragement goes farther than you think. So many of us think that being compassionate isn't enough.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:20]:
It seems more like a passive action than a active action, but all I can say is from my own experience is that compassion from myself and others was the most helpful thing along my journey. You know, especially when I was having a really hard day and I would snap at my partner because I was in the past in my head or having a PTSD flashback, and he would just give me a hug. He wouldn't take it personally. He would just give me a hug, and he wouldn't say anything, but he'd know that it wasn't about him in that moment. And that really made a world of difference for me. The third way you can help sexual violence survivors is to take care of yourself and practice self care. I know that it may sound contradictory, but I think that it's so important for you to take care of you. As I mentioned, sexual violence impacts more than just a survivor, and it's so important for you to take care of yourself as well.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:12]:
I found it so important when I was healing to surround myself with people who were also caring for them selves, it really is not helpful for my healing or for the healing of other survivors. To be around people who are disconnected from themselves or not in a good headspace, it just isn't helpful, so I recommend you take care of yourself as well. And this one may be really hard, but part of this is that it is okay for you to set your own boundaries. And this can be really hard when someone is in pain, but you cannot help anyone if you are not in a good place yourself. So it's really important for you to take care of you too. And, again, if you feel like you need to set a boundary, there are loving and compassionate ways to set that boundary and to remind the survivor, the person you love, that you still love them, but you just have to take care of yourself right now. It's okay. Like I said, if you don't take care of you, you really can't help anybody else.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:02]:
It's incredibly stressful when somebody who is incredibly stressed tries to help me when I'm incredibly stressed. It doesn't help the situation. You know? So it's really important that you find ways to take care of you. And here in this step of taking care of yourself, I invite you to think about and to consider working with a professional yourself. I know that when I was healing from rape, I asked my partner to get a therapist in order to talk about his feelings because I couldn't be that person at the time for him, so I needed him to take care of himself. And when we were both taking care of ourselves, it was a much easier situation for us to navigate. I wouldn't say it was an easy situation to navigate, but when neither of us were taking care of ourselves, it was impossible. But when we were both taking care of ourselves, we were able to navigate this situation as best we could.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:54]:
And again, taking care of yourself, I think it goes back to being kind and loving to yourself too. Honoring your own experience throughout this Because, unfortunately, for the partners and loved ones of sexual assault survivors, you're going to have to find ways to do the honoring of your experience likely without the survivor. As I mentioned with my partner Evan, I was unable to be there for him because I was going through what I would consider hell. And so as I was navigating the trauma, he had to find ways to honor and take care of himself throughout the experience. And so it's just so important for you to be kind to yourself, be loving to yourself, be compassionate with yourself, and to take care of yourself throughout this process. And this leads me into the 4th way you can help sexual violence survivors, and it's learning to process your own feelings about this. So I already touched on this a bit in the taking care of yourself portion of this episode. But when our loved ones experience violence and abuse of any kind, it often triggers difficult emotions within ourselves.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:53]:
Of course, it does. We don't wanna see the people we love suffer. We want them to be happy and to thrive. And it's important for you to find a place to process these emotions and experiences and possible memories that come up for you, whatever it may be, it's important for you to find someone to help you process this or to find different ways to process this experience. Your partner or friend or family member is not the person to process these feelings with. I remember when I was healing, a lot of people would become angry when I shared what happened with them, And their anger was justified, but it wasn't my responsibility to help them process it. And so I repeatedly asked people to find other outlets. I just really couldn't handle knowing how what I survived impacted them.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:33]:
Some people shared with me how hard it was for them, and that's still really hard for me. I understand it, and I understand why they shared it with me, but it would have been more helpful if people understood how hard and self hating this experience was for me. I really needed love and support at the time, and I often struggled to get that because people were dealing with their own difficult emotions. And I think that's a big part of supporting a loved one who's experienced sexual violence is understanding that you do have a lot of hard feelings coming up. You're going to learn how to process them, but it's not the survivor who can help you through this process. And maybe in the past, this person's been able to help you with your hard feelings, so maybe you're gonna have to find someone new. I don't know. But as I mentioned before, I recommend therapy or finding someone who you can work with.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:16]:
I offer 1 on 1 sessions if anybody's interested, but I invite you to find ways to process these feelings. Because as I said, they're very difficult emotions, and most people run from emotions that are this difficult. But in order to help your loved one, you will have to learn how to process the hard feelings you are currently navigating. And I also wanna mention here that if you find yourself feeling angry, I do have a podcast episode on anger that you may find helpful. It's called 52, why feeling anger and rage is important and how to release your anger and rage in a good way. And I also have a book recommendation. It's called allies in healing when the person you love was sexually abused as a child by Laura Davis. I bought this book for my partner when I was healing from being sexually assaulted in my childhood, and he found it helpful because it helped him to not feel alone in what he was experiencing.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:03]:
So here is another great place for me to mention that I think it's so important to note that you are not alone in what you're navigating. I think the partners and loved ones of sexual violence survivors often feel very isolated and alone in what they're navigating. I think there's a lot of shame that can be evolved, even maybe some blame. And it's just a hard situation for everyone. You are not alone. So many people are navigating the same thing you are, and I just want you to know that your experience, again, is valid, and your feelings are real. And I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's such a hard experience on everyone involved.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:37]:
The 5th way you can help sexual violence survivors is to avoid judgment. I hope this isn't you, but I want to mention avoid judgment because it's surprising judgments from my loved ones to be one of the hardest aspects of healing from sexual trauma. I don't mention this to scare you from saying anything. I just wanna emphasize that it's important to be kind and loving as we discussed already after someone experiences sexual trauma. I'm gonna give us few examples from my own life so you can see how I interpreted some of the words that people may not have meant as judgmental, but they felt that way to me as I was healing. So one example is you need to call the police right now or you need to report this immediately. Do not pressure survivors. The decision to report is hard and a personal decision.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:25]:
You may think you know the best course of action, but you do not. Only the survivor knows what is best for them. I am somebody who did not report what happened to me, and this is a decision I live with for many reasons. And it's not an easy choice. And I can still find myself questioning this. But I know truthfully, I do not have a case. My only proof lives in my body, and that's not enough for a court system. But that's something I live with.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:50]:
I have spoken with many women who have gone through the court system, and it was also not an easy choice for them to make. And the process of going through the court system is not easy to say the least, and you can learn more about that in Know My Name by Chanel Miller. It's a memoir about her experience with going through the court system after being sexually assaulted, and I think it's a really educational book and a really helpful book for people learning more about the experience of sexual assault. And here I wanna mention that you can support survivors by helping them learn their options. You can help somebody research. You can help somebody to learn about courses of action or to even support them maybe in visiting a lawyer and talking with somebody about the experience, or you can support them in understanding that if they choose not to press charges, that that is okay. It is okay. It's a personal journey, and it's a hard one, and none of this is easy.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:42]:
So if you feel the need to tell somebody what to do, I invite you to understand that it comes off quite judgmental because the survivor of sexual violence is already navigating a lot of difficult feelings. The second judgment I received many times was, but that happened so long ago. Okay. For this one, I know that people may not think it's judgmental, but it is judgmental. You're judging where I'm at because you think it's been too long for me to feel this way. And many survivors do not process what happened in the aftermath of rape. Many do, but many don't. It can take months or years.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:14]:
It was years. It was actually over a decade in my case that the memories of what happened to me returned. And it took me about 15 years after I was raped in my teens to process the experience of that sexual violence. And the hard part to understand is that as I was navigating it, it felt like it happened yesterday even though it happened 15 years ago, but I had never processed the experience. So though it was a long time ago, it feels really invalidating when somebody thinks I shouldn't be in pain because it happened so long ago. I think many people who listen to this podcast understand that our past can impact our present, and the best thing we can do is be kind and loving with one another as we heal from difficult experiences. A third example of a judgment I received was, oh, you knew the person? Is that really rape? That was a tough one that I received many times. I think people have an idea that rape should happen in an alley with a knife to somebody's throat, but oftentimes, rape happens from people we know or it happens at parties or it happens in settings where our friends are actually present.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:17]:
It's not something that just happens from strangers. It can and it does, but if somebody knows the person who raped them, it is still rape. So please do not ask them that question. I found that one very difficult. I actually disclosed what happened to me when I was 16, and this was the response I was met with. And so I never shared my experience again. It's hard to put in words how fragile people can be after they experience these type of traumas. And it's so important to be kind and loving and to learn about somebody's experience rather than judge it.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:49]:
And, again, I think you know this, but I feel the need to say that. Please understand rape is rape. It doesn't matter who did it. It's rape. The 4th judgment I received is, are you sure? Please just believe survivors. It's hard enough. We are navigating a lot. Just believe us.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:05]:
If we disclose to you, please just believe us. Don't ask us if we're sure. We're sure. The 5th judgment, were you drinking or were you on drugs? So this one, people receive a lot, and it's not helpful for a survivor. This implies blame on their survivor, and this experience is not their fault. It implies blame because you're asking them if their actions led to this decision, and you're asking them if drugs or alcohol was the reason this happened. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if somebody was drinking.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:34]:
It doesn't matter if somebody was doing drugs. Rape is rape. Please just be kind. And I know that when people ask this question, I think they're likely trying to make sense of this experience themselves, but that is something I invite you to do on your own time, not with the survivor because alcohol is not an excuse for rape. Drugs is not an excuse for rape. What women wear is not an excuse for rape. So many survivors blame themselves. It's really important to be as nonjudgmental as possible.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:04]:
Another thing somebody said to me was, well, you shouldn't have been there. Again, this is another way to place blame on a survivor. This experience is hard enough to heal without blame and judgment. It's not somebody's fault for going to a party. It's not somebody's fault in their teen years for sneaking out. That was my experience. I snuck out. Having somebody tell me you shouldn't have been there does not excuse what happened to me.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:27]:
It's not an excuse for rape. Please do not blame me because I was a young naive girl. Another one I received is I don't think that could've happened or I don't understand. This one feels self explanatory, but as someone who has had someone say this to them, I just wanted to mention it here that if somebody discloses to you, again, please believe them. If you don't understand, again, find a place to process that that's not with the survivor of sexual violence. Find someone else to process your experience with. Right? As I mentioned, it can be really confusing, and it's so human to wanna figure out why and how something happened. But, again, I invite you to go through that experience with somebody other than the person who survived the act of sexual violence.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:11]:
The last one I wanted to mention is it's not a big deal. I got this from a professional therapist. So I wanna say here that if you're working with a therapist, please ask when in interviewing if they worked with sexual assault survivors It's incredibly harmful for a professional to invalidate your experience, and it's important to find someone who understands the nuances of sexual trauma. It is a big deal. It is very traumatic. Please reassure that to the survivor. And if you're a survivor, I just wanna reassure you that if it feels like a big deal, it was a big deal. And here I also wanna say, please do not swing to the extreme and tell the survivor it's a huge deal.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:44]:
They know, but they don't need to feel judged about their experience saying it's a big or small deal. Both are judgments. Please just allow them their own experience. Before I jump into my last way you can help sexual violence survivors, I wanna mention that if you've said any of above to someone and now see why maybe it wasn't the best response, it's okay to apologize and admit that you did not respond in the best way at the time and that you now see how they may have interpreted your words. I'm surprised how many people in the world struggle to apologize. I find when somebody says I'm sorry and they truly mean it, so much tension dissipates. It's okay to apologize. It's okay to admit that you don't know what you're doing.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:21]:
As we've talked about, you're not supposed to know how to deal with this situation, and it's okay if you don't get it right. It's so hard for everyone. So I think just continuing to be loving and compassionate and admitting that you don't know what to do is all beautiful courses of action. So my hope with this list is that it helps people to understand why it's so so hard when people judge survivors when they disclose and why it's important to be kind. This leads me into the last way I recommend to help sexual violence survivors, and it's please be patient with the survivor and understand that this is their process. It's really important to be patient and understanding. This process can take years to heal, and it's important to understand that this person may be struggling for quite some time. And I also wanted to note here that it's important to be patient with their process and their decisions.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:07]:
Also remember to be respectful. As we talked about, try not to give unsolicited advice. You You can ask if they want your advice, but try not to just force things at someone. Sexual violence in an experience that feels very out of our control, so it's helpful to create safe spaces for survivors after sexual violence or when a survivor chooses to begin healing. For me, it was 15 years after the fact. So it's important to be kind and loving as we've talked about so much throughout this episode. And please be patient with them emotionally and physically. They may not wanna be touched.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:39]:
They may not wanna talk about it. They may have a lot of hard feelings. It's important to understand that this is, again, new territory for everybody, so nobody knows what they're doing. It's a messy process. I know for me on my healing from sexual assault and rape, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was so hard, and I had so many feelings and so many really, really big feelings. And so many days, if somebody looked at me wrong, I would feel like I wanted to punch them in the face or I'd wanna cry and cower. Or if somebody touched me without my permission, I would freak out.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:10]:
But then the next day, somebody could touch me without my permission, and it would be fine. It's confusing. It's a confusing process to navigate, so just please be patient. And here, before we wrap up, I wanna mention please be patient with yourself. Again, you're not gonna know how to navigate this. I know that my partner didn't know how to navigate this. I know he felt very alone in navigating this experience. He didn't have anybody to talk to about this.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:31]:
He didn't have anybody to offer him advice. He was in uncharted waters. He was in uncharted territory, and he was doing the best he could. And as I was writing this episode, I just felt so much love and compassion for him because he really did do the best he could. And there were times that that was really hard for me to see. But looking back, he was nothing but loving and kind. And, no, he didn't always know the right thing to say, but but he was there for me, and that means the world to me. And I am just so grateful that I had one person who was there for me throughout this entire process.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:02]:
And I know how hard it was for him because I know how hard it was for me, and I can't imagine watching somebody go through what I went through. And that's what he did, so I'm just really grateful for him. So with that, I hope something in this episode was helpful. I'm so sorry for the situation you and your girlfriend are navigating. Thank you so much for this question. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of new view advice. If you have any questions after this episode, I invite you to contact me at contact at Nuvia Advice dotcom and to visit my website at Nuvia Advice dotcom/98 for more resources on how to help loved ones who have survived sexual violence. Thank you for joining me for another episode of Nubia Advice.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:44]:
As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you next time.