141: Lover's Crossroads: Does It Have to Be Love or Independence?
In this episode, I dive into a listener’s question about feeling conflicted between being with someone special and embracing a period of independence.We’ll explore indecision, fear of the unknown, and the pressure to make the “right” choice. I’ll also talk about how many women are sold the idea that independence means being alone, and why committing to your choice is so important.
I also offer many different questions throughout the episode to reflect on to help you to decide what path is most aligned with you and your heart. My intention is to help you to find clarity and a new view on your own crossroads and life.
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Introduction :05
Listener Question: 2:29
Outro: 38:13
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This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool called Castmagic. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:00]:
Welcome to New View Advice with Amanda Durocher. Hello, beautiful soul. Welcome to New View Advice. My name is Amanda Durocher and if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer guidance for the healing journey. I do not believe I have all the answers you seek. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new view and a little help along the way. And to all my long term listeners, thank you for being here.
Amanda Durocher [00:00:23]:
Thank you for continuing to listen and to grow and heal with me. So this week I am calling this episode the Lovers Crossroads. This episode is about do I have to let go of the relationship in order to choose myself and my independence? So today I'm answering a listener question from someone who I view is at a crossroads. They have to make a choice. Do they stay or leave the relationship? And if you relate to this question, it's going to be different for everybody. What the answer is at the end of this episode or as you reflect on it. This is very much aligning with your heart, seeing what your heart is asking of you within this moment. I'm going to share personal stories as I always do, but those are my life experiences.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:07]:
They are not yours. And so this episode is very much about what is your heart asking you to do in this moment? Which unknown is it asking you to embrace? And it's about either way. You have to have the courage, which we talked about last week, to face the unknown. I think when we're at a crossroads, it's about choice. I don't believe that there's a right or wrong choice here. I think sometimes the idea of right and wrong can get us stuck in our head. And so with this, the question isn't what's the right or wrong choice? The question is, what is the most loving choice? What is the loving path for you and for your partner and for your life moving forward? And again, that answer is going to be different for everybody. So my intention for this episode is to help you to gain clarity and to see your situation with a new view.
Amanda Durocher [00:01:52]:
Many times when we feel stuck in indecision, we're not as stuck as we believe we are. It's that we're just playing the same thoughts over and over again, or that we're struggling to open our perspective to different outcomes, different ideas. And before I jump into the listener question, I just wanted to mention that if you haven't already, I invite you to check out newviewadvice. Com on newviewadvice. Com I have more podcast episodes, blog posts, journal prompts, poems, and more content to assist you on the healing journey and to offer a new perspective on healing. So you can check that out after the episode@newviewadvice.com so with that, let's jump on into talking about this lover's crossroads. Okay, so for this question, it's actually two parts. So I'm going to read the listener question and then I'm going to read a follow up email because I followed up with this listener asking if they were still struggling with the situation.
Amanda Durocher [00:02:39]:
So I'm going to read two different parts of this question Dear Amanda, I've been an avid follower of your podcast from the early days and can't begin to express how much it has helped guide my healing life. I've recently found myself in a bit of an emotional rut I can't seem to shake. However, I've been dating this wonderful guy for the last couple years and although our relationship is very stable, we seem to be at an impasse regarding how we want to spend the next few years of our lives. We were both in our twenties and while I was originally trying to find a solution through compromise, I also know deep down that sacrificing my dreams to travel and live elsewhere in the world would bring about resentment or insecurity down the line. We have decided that it makes the most sense to break up, but as the time approaches, I begin questioning everything. Am I making the right choice to follow my own path at this time, or am I making a huge mistake letting go of a really special person? Thank you for the help. And so that first part was written two months ago and then I followed up with the listener to see if they were still struggling with this question and this is what they had to say. If I'm being completely honest, the situation remains much the same.
Amanda Durocher [00:03:38]:
The date of our breakup has been pushed back a bit as my partner didn't find a job that started until early November, so he decided to come join me for the initial few months of traveling, but he will be leaving in about a month's time and we are faced with the same situation. I would say on the good days I feel confident in my decision to break up as I have many exciting things to look forward to independently and want to focus on that. But in my weaker or sad moments, I'm definitely questioning. I've also spent at most two months outside of a relationship since I was 17. I am now 25, so the prospect of being alone is quite scary and I wonder if I have what it takes to follow through. Thank you so much for this question. And before I jump into this question, I just want to thank you for being a longtime listener. I am so grateful for your support throughout the years.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:21]:
I wasn't sure many people listened from the early days. So I'm really, really grateful to have you here and that you have been healing alongside me for the past couple years. That's super exciting. And I'm just very grateful for your support. So thank you for listening and for writing in this question. I think this is a great question because I don't think you're alone in this. I think many of us have faced these moments, especially when we have been in your situation. Cause I relate to this question of being in relationships since we were young.
Amanda Durocher [00:04:45]:
In your question, I really see an underlying question of am I supposed to have independent years? Are there supposed to be years where I'm not in a relationship? And so we're gonna talk a bit about that today. And like I mentioned in the intro, this really sounds like a crossroads moment. Do you stay in the relationship and find a untraditional path for your relationship, or do you leave the relationship and start new. Start a new chapter, start a new way of being in your life? And I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong choice. I think everybody's choice here will be different. I really view it as each path will have its own lessons, and one is more likely the direct path of your heart. But neither of these are wrong. When we get stuck in indecision, oftentimes we are stuck in fear.
Amanda Durocher [00:05:31]:
And I think this could be a fear of the unknown. You don't know what you don't know, right? So you don't know what path is right for you because you've never done either path before. So for anybody out there who finds themselves in a similar moment, I ask you to take right and wrong off the table and instead view these as A and B. There's path A and there's path B. Which path feels the most aligned? Which path feels the most loving? So for you, as I mentioned, I really see two paths. You either end the relationship like you're currently planning, and come November, you embrace this period of independence. As you said, you have independent activities planned. Or path B is you can continue the relationship.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:16]:
And I know you said you talked about compromise, and I don't know what that looked like. So my belief is that you could continue this relationship and not be in the same place as each other, because I don't think you should give up on the Travel. And you mentioned you are traveling, and I love that you're traveling. But I don't want you to give up on the travel. I don't want you to give up on your desires. You do not have to do that. But you could still, I believe, remain in this relationship and likely find a untraditional path for your relationship. Not all relationships look the same.
Amanda Durocher [00:06:46]:
I am somebody who has an untraditional relationship, and that has served Evan and I to not do everything the way everybody else does it. But I do think there are ways to make this relationship work. Many people have done long distance for periods of times throughout their relationship. And it sounds like you don't indefinitely wanna live abroad. So you could have this time where you get to experience independence. Right. Living on your own while still being in a relationship. I don't know if that's been taken off the table.
Amanda Durocher [00:07:15]:
But for anybody who hasn't considered that, I really believe that could be an option. So, as with many crossroads moments, I think you're coming up against two unknowns. I think that there's two paths, paths A and B, not path right or wrong. So you have path A, which we're gonna talk about first. So I'm gonna make. Path A is that you stay in the relationship, and path B is ending the relationship. So path A, if you decide to stay in the relationship, I think the unknown you are facing is, what if you never have an independent period? What if you never do life quote, unquote, on your own? What does that mean? Will you ever truly know yourself? If you don't have a time of your life where you're by yourself, that may be a fear of yours that this is something that you need. But my question with your indecision is, is it something that your heart is asking you and saying, you need this because there is something that's going to arise during this period by yourself, or is your heart questioning that belief? Is your heart saying, is that true? That's something Evan says to me all the time.
Amanda Durocher [00:08:19]:
It's like Evan's slogan about everything ever. Is that true? And it's really been a guiding light for me because the world is filled with false beliefs, and it is filled with large groups of people saying one thing as if it's an absolute, even though it may not be true for everybody. Because for you, I want to discuss the lie that independence and freedom require you to be free of a relationship and free of commitment. I don't think that's necessarily true. I think as women, we're sold the Lie that we need to be independent, that it's sexy to be independent, that life without a man, without commitment, offers us freedom and openness. And in a way, that is true. But I don't think it's as sexy and as easy as we're led to believe. I don't think it's true for everybody.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:06]:
So what I have found in my life is I have also come across this moment, this crossroads moment. Oh, my God. I've been with Evan since I was 19. I've never lived on my own. What does that mean about me? Am I missing something? Will I have regrets down the road that I never embraced full independence? And the truth I've come to is that one, you can be independent within your relationship. You can be interdependent so you can develop dependence on someone while retaining and maintaining your own independence. And I think for some of us, our hearts and our paths are here to grow through relationship. And I think for some of us, this false lie of independence, needing that time alone to figure it out, isn't true.
Amanda Durocher [00:09:58]:
I think for some people, it is true. I think some people will do their most growth by themselves and other will do their most growth in relationship. Because I think that if you take time to be single and by yourself, some people will take that time to be super intentional and they'll grow and they'll read the books and they'll realize their patterns and they'll be able to show up in their next relationship in a new way where other people will become a little selfish. In that era, we'll forget what it's like to compromise, as you talked about. We'll forget what commitment feels like. We'll become a little jaded that they have to do everything themselves. I don't think as humans, we were ever meant to do everything by ourself. It's why we all desire relationships.
Amanda Durocher [00:10:44]:
And that's why with you and this question, the question is, what are you seeking? What are you looking for? What do you think this independence will bring you that you don't already possess within you? Because I know that in my life, I felt trapped in relationship before. I felt like my relationship was not supporting me. I felt like it was like a cage. And that was actually never true. That was a belief within my head. And part of that belief stemmed from looking out in the world and watching movies where women are on their own. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. And I love that I live in a world, especially here in America, where you get to choose.
Amanda Durocher [00:11:24]:
Do you want time by Yourself. Is that how you're going to embrace self love, or are you somebody who will embrace self love through partnership? We'll use that relationship for growth and as a mirror because truthfully, I believe we grow the most in relationship. With that said, I just want to offer that here because I don't think everybody needs this independent time. You know, I, like you, had a high school relationship. So I entered that relationship at 18. And then I haven't been single for more than a few months, since I was 18. And someone may judge that as wrong. Again, I believe every path is different.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:00]:
But I remember I dated my high school boyfriend. That taught me a lot. It was a very abusive relationship. And then I entered a short, little. I don't even know if it's called a relationship after that to sort of get me out of the abusive relationship. And that was, we all make mistakes. We'll just put it that way. And then I was so excited for my independent error.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:20]:
I was ready to be single and just embrace life and myself. And the truth is, I met Evan two months later. And I remember meeting Evan and going, oh, my God, no, I wasn't supposed to meet you now. Because I knew it was different when I met Evan. It was just different than anybody else I've ever met before. Because our relationship was filled with light. It wasn't like a brooding man I was trying to fix. That was the first two.
Amanda Durocher [00:12:46]:
Evan was lightness, he was funny. He made me so happy. And we just, to this day, 14 years later, most of our relationship is laughing. He challenges the way I think he makes me laugh. He loves me, he supports me, and he challenges me. And our relationship has not been rainbows and butterflies. I've shared a lot of stories about our relationship throughout the years, but at the end of the day, he is who has helped me to grow the most. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without him.
Amanda Durocher [00:13:17]:
And there have been times I have debated leaving him and I've debated my independent era. And I always stay because I realized that what I was searching for through that independence, I didn't need to leave love to get it. I wasn't gonna find myself outside of the relationship in a way that I couldn't find myself within the relationship, if that makes sense. Because Evan and I have a loving relationship now. Those two relationships I mentioned before, Evan, which, yes, I was much younger, but we play out patterns at all different ages. But those two relationships, I did have to leave them. They were abusive and they were toxic and they were harming me. They were not loving.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:02]:
There was not love present in those relationships, even though I thought there was. It's different. It's different with Evan, and I mentioned that because you mentioned that you're with somebody special. You're with a wonderful guy, you're with a really special person. Those are the words you use. He's even with you right now. You did leave and go travel, and he went with you. That sounds like two people who want to be together to me.
Amanda Durocher [00:14:24]:
What are you running from? That is my question. What are you running from? And what do you think you will get through this independent period? The question isn't should you break up or not? The question is, what are you searching for? What do you desire? What do you need that you don't think you have already? And so often I have found that the answer to that question lies within. It is not actually something we're going to find externally. The answer to that question is inside us. That doesn't mean we don't go out in the world and do a bunch of different things. And that leads me into. I am so glad that you did move. I am so glad that you're traveling and you're living somewhere else in the world.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:03]:
I've found travel to be such a beautiful thing for my growth. I moved across the country when I was 25, from Boston to LA. That was a huge move. And I had a choice point at that point if I was gonna stay with Evan, and Evan did end up moving across the country with me. So. So I believe if you feel called to move, do it. There's often a gift in that move, and I've found that time and time again that there is a gift and that change in the unknown allows inner stuff to surface. It's like stuff that you can bury through routine, can't be buried when we leave our comfort zones.
Amanda Durocher [00:15:36]:
But with that said, what I've also found through moving is that it's not the answer to the prayer because you follow yourself with you. So all the baggage you have at home or where you originally are follows you when you move. Right? So the move doesn't fix you. It just opens you up to new perspectives. Right? That's what we talk about. That's why this podcast is called New View Advice is that what we want to do when we're healing is find ways to open our perspective, because life is not what we think it is. The older I get, the less I know God. What a gift to not know everything.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:11]:
And what moving does is it helps us break out of Comfort and break out of control. And that helps us to open up to a new way of living, to love of others and ourselves. That was a bit of a tangent, but I did want to mention that I am glad you moved. And I think it's beautiful that your partner has spent a couple months with you there. And that's why I really wonder, do you have to break up? Because it does sound like you both love each other and you want to be together. And so I do want you to become clear on what you believe this period of independence will bring you. Because it does sound like you are in a healthy relationship. Because again, best way to learn how to be in relationship is to actually be in a relationship.
Amanda Durocher [00:16:53]:
So I know a lot of people who do a lot of the healing when they're single and by themselves. And there's nothing wrong with that. But the truth is relationships and being with another person with an entirely different viewpoint will teach you so much. And that's why I question the lie that women have to be independent at some point in their life. Because maybe you do, maybe you don't. It's all about choice. It's all about having the choice to choose what's best for you. That's what I believe true freedom is in all areas of your life, having the choice to choose.
Amanda Durocher [00:17:22]:
And with that, I really believe, as I mentioned, that we get to know ourselves really well in partnership. I think partnerships and relationships is how we do grow if we actually commit to our growth in the relationship. Wow, what a way to truly get to know ourselves. Because when we see our triggers, when we see the things that irk us about somebody else, and we take the time to see, is that them or is that me? Is this my inner child or is this something that needs to change? Learning to speak up for ourselves, I would say in relationship, it's where we get to gain our voice. I think that so many of us lived in childhoods where we didn't get to speak up, where we weren't heard. Maybe we lived in a seen, not heard household. Maybe we were told we were wrong. Whatever happened in a relationship, it's where we get to learn how to speak up for ourselves again.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:08]:
It's where we get to learn to lovingly voice our boundaries and to be respected and loved through growth, right? Having somebody witness you as you grow and stumble is such a beautiful gift. And with that, the other thing I want to say about relationship and this idea that you have to do it all alone as a woman, which I really just for some reason Felt the need to bring up today. I just want to say I love having somebody who loves and supports me, and that's what my relationship provides me. Is that always easy? No. Relationships are hard. Again, two people with two entirely different points of view wants and needs. Evan, I love this man, but he has so many opinions, and he's so certain about his view of certain things. And it used to trigger me.
Amanda Durocher [00:18:58]:
I was like, how can you be so sure? But the older I get, the more wise I get, the more I'm like, oh. Evan's certainty is an invitation for me to be certain. Evan's boundaries are an invitation for me to have boundaries. Evan's truth is an invitation for me to connect back to my truth. He's never asked me to take on his beliefs. For a while, I thought we had to believe the same thing about everything. So when we disagree, I used to get really uncomfortable. Evan and I disagree on so many things.
Amanda Durocher [00:19:27]:
We have different views of the world. That's a beautiful gift that we offer each other because we're able to see each other and open our view within our relationship, which then helps us to have more compassion and empathy with others outside of the relationship. If I had closed myself off to love, which is what I was trying to do every time I was trying to run from my relationship, so. So again, this is gonna be different for everybody. But when I would reflect and I would feel trapped in my relationship, it was an inner child within me who felt trapped and did not feel worthy of love and did not feel worthy of support. And every time I wanted to run, I had to be with that inner child. And she often was asking me to vocalize something that I had not vocalized before, A desire I had been burying that I was disconnected from. For example, needing support, needing to receive, needing to feel comfortable resting in my home.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:18]:
I used to feel like I had to work all the time because Evan worked so much. And every single time I voiced my need. Evan heard me. He met me. Doesn't mean everything changed overnight, but we began the first step, which is communication, which is awareness of what I need. We can't read each other's minds, right? A controlling behavior is trying to know what the other person wants without ever asking them, without being like, hey, I love you, but I need this to change. And that's speaking out of love, not fear and not anger. And it's part of growing, is learning how to communicate in partnership.
Amanda Durocher [00:20:59]:
And so with that, that leads me to that. I think, again, you need to make a choice either way. You either need to commit to this relationship and find a untraditional way for this relationship to work. Maybe you guys do distance and you commit to see each other once a month, once every other month. Maybe you find a way to make this work and it's untraditional and it's uniquely yours. Evan and I do that all the time. Our relationship is untraditional. We are not married.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:24]:
We've been together 14 years. We have a lot of different things that people probably don't understand, but it works for us. And time and time again, I realized that we have figured out something that works for us. And I don't have to let the world dictate my decisions in my life. Again, freedom is choice. And so I wanted to mention that again here because say you do commit to this relationship. That would be that your heart is asking you right now to commit to this relationship. You don't have to start future planning and being like, oh, my God, this is my husband.
Amanda Durocher [00:21:55]:
Oh, my gosh, when are we gonna have kids? Right now, the choice may be to commit, and you may learn through that commitment. Because I wanted to share that sometimes our hearts actually ask us to commit to relationships that are not end game. Right? I say a lot of times the saying that my therapist says to me that relationships come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And sometimes we commit to those relationships that are only there for a reason or a season. And recently I had a friendship where I was holding this person at arm's length. I wasn't fully in and I wasn't fully out of the friendship. I could tell there was something off, but the relationship was, like, perfect on paper. And so it kept me keeping this person at arm's length.
Amanda Durocher [00:22:39]:
We were friends, but I wasn't fully open. I was always in this confusion phase. And in a meditation one day, my heart said, fully commit, open. Trust this person. And so I did. And so I thought, oh, my God, this person's gonna be my best friend for the rest of my life. And I opened up to the relationship and it ended really, really poorly. And I was like, heart, are you joking? I wouldn't have been in this amount of pain if I hadn't opened up.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:07]:
And my heart was like, that's the point. You had a lesson to learn here. And you wouldn't have learned it if you kept being wishy washy, if you kept living in the confusion. And what I learned is I had to commit. I had to go all in in order to be transformed, because that's what love does. I opened myself up to love. I took the risk. I did the vulnerable thing.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:31]:
I did the brave thing. I opened up to love. And it didn't end the way I thought it would. But I was transformed. I now clearly see the red flags I had ignored. Not in a self blame way, as in a. Ah. I was living in confusion.
Amanda Durocher [00:23:48]:
Why? Because I had an inner child that needed to be acknowledged. For me, it was an inner middle schooler. For everybody. It's gonna be different ages, but I had an inner child that had a pattern. She kept playing and was really afraid to go all in because she was afraid of getting hurt. But by allowing myself to open up to love, I grew. I grew so fast, right? I learned lessons I'll never repeat again. I got so much clarity because I no longer lived in the crossroads.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:18]:
I no longer lived in the uncommittal area. When we hold people at arm's length, we don't really learn because we don't allow ourselves to see the truth. We don't allow ourselves to get the clarity we're seeking. Sometimes that clarity feels like a smack in the face. Sometimes we get knocked down. But if you listen to this podcast, my hope you have the tools when you get knocked down, because that's life, that's love. That's the journey, baby, is that we are gonna get knocked down our whole lives. Things are gonna happen that we cannot control.
Amanda Durocher [00:24:50]:
Other people are gonna do things that hurt us. We are going to be betrayed. There are going to be moments where we trusted somebody that maybe we shouldn't. Life isn't about figuring it all out and being so healed that you never get hurt again. I think life is about opening up to love, having the courage to be vulnerable and to pursue the things you want the most in this world and go all in. How do we feel? Alive. Because that's what I'm always talking about these days. We go all in, we commit.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:17]:
We commit to life and we commit to our choices. You mentioned feeling like you were an emotional rut. That's my guess of what's happening here is that you're holding this relationship at arm's length because you know it's going to end, yet you're in it. So you're kind of like one foot in, one foot out, you don't know what you want. That leaves you in that apathetic place. When we live with life at arm's length, we're a little apathetic to it because we're not fully allowing it in and we're not allowing the feelings in because we're uncommittal. I don't think commitment has to be, I will be with you till the day I die. I think commitment is having an intention for your relationship and committing to that.
Amanda Durocher [00:25:56]:
Evan and I commit to growing together, loving each other and choosing each other each day. If that changes in the future, that'll change in the future. But we continue to commit to growing together. And that has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. But I only do that when I commit to the relationship. And so it's important for you to make the choice, no matter what it is. And I share that story about the friendship because I was beating myself up for it for a while. I was like, oh, my God, I am too old for this is what I kept saying.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:30]:
Which is funny because I'm not. You know, things will happen again. I so much life to live still. But I see now that my heart said trust this person so I could see why I was wishy washy. So now I know what that confusion was telling me. Now I know to trust myself. Now I know that, yeah, the relationship did look good on paper, but my body was telling me something else. It wasn't until I leaned fully into the relationship that I was able to have that lesson.
Amanda Durocher [00:26:59]:
Somebody else may be able to say, you know what? I'm gonna choose to trust my body here and now my body's communicating something, and I don't know why that's gonna be somebody else's lesson. For me, it took opening my heart, leaning in to go, oh, my God, that was wrong. I ignored my body because I desired something that wasn't real. But I only saw it when I leaned in, when I committed. And I don't share that story to scare you. I share it to say that if you decide to stay, like I said, Golan, it's terrifying. But allow yourself to fall. I think that's why they call it falling in love.
Amanda Durocher [00:27:31]:
Because when we fully surrender, it is. It's like a free fall, and we don't know where we're gonna land. Are we gonna land on our feet? Are we gonna land in somebody's arms? Are they gonna catch us? Or are we gonna land on our ass and have to pick ourselves back up? But that's what it is to lean into love. And it's exciting and it's terrifying, which is why we live in a world of indifference and people holding each other at arm's length. But what I think this world needs right now is more love, more people brave Enough to say, fuck it, I'm gonna go all in. And so I also believe loving somebody is an act of self love. Because when you open yourself up to love, you're opening up, right? You're no longer guarding your heart, you're opening to love. That's self love.
Amanda Durocher [00:28:10]:
Allowing love in is an act of self love. And it's such a gift of relationship that we get to love someone else and ourselves at the same time. That's why I believe the gift of relationships is learning how to be interdependent, learning how to support one another while also maintaining your independence. And when relationships are forming, often there's a tug of war. And the growth is learning how to navigate that tug of war where both of you feel supported. And it's not gonna be like all of a sudden you're both independent and you support each other, and that's it. It's this continual growth, right? So relationships just offer so much growth, and they're such a beautiful way for us to really get to know ourselves and claim our independence. Okay, now, with all that said, maybe through the first half of this question, you've gotten clear that you need to end your relationship and that the fear isn't something you've never experienced.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:04]:
But instead, maybe the fear is that you fear being alone in a different sense. Maybe the fear is that you've known for a long time that this relationship needs to end. You felt in your heart that it was off. You felt that it's holding you back. You felt that it's stagnant. You felt bored in it, maybe. And you've had all the conversations, you've tried to open up, as you mentioned, you tried to compromise. You have tried everything and it just isn't working.
Amanda Durocher [00:29:33]:
But you feel indecisive because you're afraid of being alone. Or maybe you're afraid of the unknown, or maybe you're afraid of something else, but that the fear isn't the fear of letting love in. It's not the fear of what if you don't have these years of independence? The fear is more tied to trusting that the relationship is supposed to end. That's a different thing. And that could be arising for somebody. I could have just gone on that first half of this episode and you could have just gotten clarity that none of that applies to you and that you know, this relationship needs to end. And again, the questions to ask yourself are, what are your intentions for yourself? I talk about a lot of times, what are your values? I have a values list on my website that I'll link in the show notes. But when we can pick three to four values for our life, it is like a guiding post or like a lightning bolt.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:22]:
And it will help us to always align back to who we are. And everybody has different values. It's one of the most exciting things. Again, freedom. Freedom to choose your values. That's awesome. That's exciting. So the question would be, does your relationship align with your values? Evan and I have different values, but we have some core values that are the same.
Amanda Durocher [00:30:39]:
And that is one of the reasons our relationship has been able to grow and we've been able to continue to be together throughout the years is that we're pretty much aligned on our values. So maybe in your relationship you're not aligned on your values. You know, questions to ask yourself about your relationship is, does this person grow and evolve with you? It sounds like they have, but maybe they haven't. I think it's important to find a partner who you grow with through life. It's not always going to be easy, but it's somebody who you can rely on, somebody who supports you, somebody who loves you, somebody who's able to see your point of view even if you differ. Right. Maybe a part of you knows that this relationship no longer serves you. That's a reality, too.
Amanda Durocher [00:31:21]:
Maybe you already know that. Maybe you made that choice a while ago and you've just been dragging this relationship because you have fear of being alone. That leads me to that. Sometimes I think we can stay in relationships for too long when we see somebody's potential, when we keep waiting for somebody to change, when we keep thinking they'll change, they'll heal, they'll work through this, they'll eventually hear me. It's a way of thinking you can fix somebody. And it's so often unconscious. You know, we always joke about people trying to fix somebody. I found in my life, when I get caught in trying to fix somebody patterns, it's very unconscious.
Amanda Durocher [00:31:58]:
I don't realize that's what I'm doing. It's more that I'm telling myself, oh, I can help them with this, or, oh, maybe I should offer them this. Maybe I can help them. And that's a fix it pattern. There have been many relationships in my life where I feel like all of a sudden my glasses are shattered and I can see the relationship clearly. And I can see that I wasn't seeing this person. I was seeing their potential. I was seeing who I wanted them to be, who I could see they could become, not who they were right now.
Amanda Durocher [00:32:27]:
Sometimes when we hold onto the potential of somebody instead of the truth of somebody, you're not just holding yourself back, you're also holding them back because you're not allowing them to grow by not asking them to grow. And if you've tried to have all the conversations, if you've tried to compromise, if you've suggested distance and they don't want it, maybe it's time to cut the cord, maybe it's time to end the relationship. But I think living in this limbo is harming you at this point. Like you said, you're an emotional rut. You just moved abroad, you should be feeling alive, you should be embracing life, you should be embracing your fears, you should be feeling the change in the growth, not feeling stuck. And I think this relationship and living in this indecision is keeping you stuck. So again, what do you really want? Can this relationship help you get that? Are you running away from something? What do you desire most? Those are questions to ask yourself. So if you do decide to end the relationship because you've seen that you're holding the potential of this person, or that you're just afraid to be alone, but your heart's asking you to, to embrace singlehood right now, or this person is shaming you for your independence, if you're stuck in confusion, if this person is just telling you things you want to hear, but they're not following through on their actions, pay attention to how your body is speaking to you.
Amanda Durocher [00:33:44]:
You know, I will say in your question, it was interesting that you said on the good days you feel confident in your decision and in the sad days you feel like you have to leave it. I don't know if that's speaking to you and if that's saying something. If on every good day you don't want to be in the relationship, or do you feel good because you feel supported and you feel loved? I don't know the answers. But your body and your heart are communicating with you and they do know what's best for you in your path. And I think that gaining that clarity for yourself will be helpful for you. Because it's information. That's where the growth happens, you know, and self awareness is really helpful. Some people can get stuck in self awareness and they can just intellectualize healing.
Amanda Durocher [00:34:27]:
And that's why I invite you to come back to your body because the intellectualizing will only get you so far. It's the body and the feelings that are going to help transform you and allow you to change in a really new way. And it's often very, very uncomfortable. But change is always a little uncomfortable. Discomfort's not a bad thing. Anytime we're growing, we're going to embrace discomfort. Life isn't about being comfortable. That's why, again, I'm so glad you did move.
Amanda Durocher [00:34:58]:
I'm so glad that you're spending your 20s growing and Lear and I just don't know the answer. And I hope in some way this helped you, but I don't know if this relationship's meant to grow with you or if you're meant to grow outside of this relationship. You know, one more thing is sometimes relationships do hold us back. Sometimes they do keep us stagnant. And sometimes we have to cut the cord. And sometimes we don't fully understand why until after. But in the moment, we know the truth. And so for you, again, it's connecting to your truth.
Amanda Durocher [00:35:29]:
One more story. Amanda can't help it. I had another relationship that I think I've talked about this spring where I knew the moment the relationship was over. Even though neither of us said it, I knew it was over. And every time I thought about reaching back out to that person, I kept hearing my inner voice be like, it's over, it's done. And within a month, it became very clear that it was done and why. But at first, I could only trust the inner knowing in my body that it was over. And it was heartbreaking.
Amanda Durocher [00:35:57]:
I had quite a heartbreaking spring, but also I found new parts of myself. I connected with that inner child. I can't express how much the heartbreak helped me. It was painful. I had to honor it. It took me longer to recover than I would have liked. But since I allowed myself that full recovery, that full grief process, I've come out the other side so much more clear and so much more self loving. And the more self loving I am, the more capacity I have to love others and to show up authentically in relationships, which is such a beautiful gift you can offer somebody else is to show up as you.
Amanda Durocher [00:36:38]:
Because every time you choose you and you choose what's best for you, you invite other people to do the same. And that's such a gift that we can offer each other. The more we stay true to ourselves, the more we invite others to be true to them. Wow, what a beautiful world it would be if we all just remain true to ourselves and loving. The last thing I want to say before I wrap up this question is that if you do decide to end the relationship again, I don't think it's going to be clean and easy. I don't think all of a sudden you're just going to be mis independent as they say, and there's nothing wrong with that. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate with yourself.
Amanda Durocher [00:37:11]:
Allow that grief. As I mentioned that I had relationships end and that grief transformed me. And so for you, I hope that there's ease there and I hope that these new places are able to help you to transform your heartache. I hope you can embrace Mother Earth because she's just always healing. Spending time in nature reminds us who we truly are. And so if you do decide to end this relationship, be kind to yourself. Be loving with yourself and know that it's not meant to be easy. It's uncomfortable.
Amanda Durocher [00:37:39]:
Either choice you make will be uncomfortable, and that's probably a reason why you're hesitating to make it. Because there is not a right choice and there is not an easy choice. Both will have its own challenges. So the question is, which journey are you going to go on, Path A or Path B? So I hope something this answer was helpful. I am sending you so much love and please keep me posted on what you decide. I am rooting for you either way. Again, there is not a right or wrong choice, but I do think the choice itself will bring clarity. So thank you so much for this question.
Amanda Durocher [00:38:11]:
I'm sending you so much love. Thank you so much for joining me for this episode of New View Advice. As always, I am so grateful to be here here with you each week and to discuss different topics. If you have a question you'd like to hear answered on a future episode, you can write in at newviewadvice.com? thank you again for joining me for another episode of Newbie Advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new View. Send you all my love. See you next time.
